Girlfriend says she can no longer trust me intimately. How can we repair her trust?

[Matsuda]

Hello everybody.

Long version:

I've known my girlfriend for over two years now, and we've been together for a year and a few months. We love each other very much, and for the most part everything in our relationship is great. We spend a lot of time together, we have many things in common, and we're good to each other.

However, our relationship has always been strained despite this. We have mainly had conflicts about sex. She felt pressured by me and stressed, and it's now evolved into a strong distrust of anything intimate between us. It's making her very unhappy in our relationship, and we need to fix it.

I should probably state here that this is currently an online long-distance relationship. We are very serious about each other, and have every intention of meeting up in person when we can. We haven't yet due to the huge distance, other commitments such as university, and so on. I'm not posting this thread to discuss that, and am only mentioning it so that you can better understand the events that have led to this problem. I'm not posting this in a cyber relationships or long-distance relationships boards because I feel this is a general trust issue and the circumstances of our relationship are mostly irrelevant.

Since this issue has existed since the beginning of our relationship and escalated throughout it, I think it's probably a good idea to summarise the major points in our relationship, particularly the conflicts. So, here we go.

We first met in Q3, 2008. We were both with other people at the time, but quickly developed feelings for each other despite this. Our partners cheated on us and those relationships soon ended, leaving us both free. Our feelings blossomed into love, but she wasn't ready for another relationship so soon. This hurt me, but I understood and waited patiently.

But then she began to doubt her love for me. She said she felt too distant from me, that she couldn't even remember what I looked or sounded like. We had exchanged photographs before but I guess that wasn't enough, so I sent some more to her along with a voice message. This seemed to remedy the problem, and we started to grow closer again. She loved me.

Even though she still wasn't ready to commit to a relationship with me, there was still intimacy between us and we would sometimes talk about how we'd have sex. Eventually, we even went so far as to have cybersex (in text form) a few times. This was great, but also the start of our problems.

I loved cybersex with her. It made me feel happy with her, emotionally close to her, safe with her, loved by her, and connected to her. It's not that I didn't feel happy with her before that, but it just made everything so perfect between us. I was glad that she wanted to be that close to me, and it made me feel special to her. Unfortunately, she then stopped it after we became a couple. I tried to subtly initiate it several times, but she didn't go for it. I didn't even really think anything much of it then, but after a long while of this it nagged at me and I had to bring it up with her.

So I asked her why we don't ever do that together anymore. She told me she doesn't like it anymore because she couldn't satisfy herself and it therefore did nothing but frustrate her. She said she hoped that just talking about sex would have been enough, but agreed to work out a solution to it with me. We searched the Internet for ideas on how to make it more enjoyable for her, and even asked a friend for suggestions.

The main things we came up with were to involve webcams and microphones, so that we could see and/or hear each other during our cybersex sessions. These are of course good suggestions, but unfortunately I am very shy with these two things. We have webcammed together several times, and even gotten somewhat sexual on webcam. I truly do enjoy seeing her, but am just too shy. It feels very weird going through a camera or microphone, and while that's something I want to improve, at the time I said no. She felt that I was just rejecting all the ideas and got frustrated with trying to solve it.

So our relationship continued, without cybersex. I found it very hard to deal with and very upsetting, especially as she had done it with me several times before without complaint. I felt as though she were less interested in me, and that we were more emotionally distant. I understood her reasons, but couldn't help feeling as though she'd "taken it away". I wanted that level of closeness between us again.

I tried to respect her feelings on the matter, but I wanted it so much that I kept bringing it up with her, thinking that there must be some undiscovered solution that we could find to fix her problems with it. It wasn't intentional at all, but by doing this I made her feel extremely pressured and stressed about it. This made her want it even less, and each time we discussed it it would turn into an argument. Eventually she made me promise to never bring it up again and said that if I did she would break up with me right there and then.

Well, I promised and have kept that promise. Months have passed and I haven't brought it up. Of course I still want it, and I can't change that, but I do respect her feelings and want her to be happy with me. Unfortunately, the damage appears to still remain. She still talks about sex with me occasionally, but it's gotten less and less frequent with time. She shows very little sexual interest and every time I try to initiate anything I just get painfully rejected.

For the last month she's been feeling extremely unhappy. I asked her if there was anything I could do to help her feel better, but she had no ideas. I did my best to be there for her, to be good to her and keep her company, and thought with time she'd feel happy again.

She didn't, however, and yesterday suddenly broke up with me. She told me that she's unhappy because she can't trust me with intimacy, and just can't be with somebody that she doesn't trust sexually. She said she thought it was something she didn't want that she could deal with, but she does want it. She said our relationship is too strained with an unhealthy sex life, no webcamming and no talking. I pleaded with her and begged for her to stay with me, but she said no. I told her that she hadn't even asked me to webcam or talk for a long time but that I'd do it with her regularly from now on. She still said no, and even said she didn't want it anymore. Desperately, I asked her to give me a chance to fix the problem by trying something new: I said we could get help on a relationship forum and that they'd give us ideas to repair her trust. She said no, that she was sick and tired and done trying. She wanted to break up.

I was heartbroken that I'd lost this girl I love so dearly and deeply. But then she told me that there was a chance I could prove to her that she deserves my trust -- but only if we broke up. She said she'd be miserable if we stayed together. With the hope of still somehow fixing it, I agreed to us splitting up, and told her I'd still be her friend and do my best for her. A few hours later, she said she felt horrible and that she loved me and wanted us to get back together. She thought that splitting up would make her feel better and free, but it didn't.

I was of course greatly relieved that she still wanted us to be together. I was so happy to have her back. I didn't want to take advantage of her mixed feelings so I said asked her to be sure she really wants us to get back together and told her she just might need more time apart before she feels better. She said she was certain. After talking some more about happier things, she started talking very sexily with me.

I took this as a sign that she's either beginning to trust me again after realising she still wants us to be together, or was trying to see how she'd feel about it. However, she later told me it was just out of guilt for breaking up with me, even though I'd already told her it was the right thing to do with how she felt and that I'm not angry about it.

So her damaged trust in me remains. We need to fix this. I love her with all of my heart, and I want her to feel happy, safe, and comfortable with me. I want to do anything I can to help her feel better. I never meant to make her feel so pressured or stressed like that.

So I ask you, how can my girlfriend and I work together to repair this damaged trust? We need suggestions and ideas. We both love each other so much and want this to work. You're welcome to also give your thoughts on how we can help me overcome my webcam/microphone shyness, and help her enjoy text cybersex if she'd ever be willing to try it again, but the main and immediate problem is her trust in me. This is what we must fix now.

We posted this on another forum but didn't really get any help there beyond "it takes time and effort" and "cybersex is weird". We know it takes effort from both of us, but what exactly do we do to fix it? What we need are specific ideas and suggestions to repair her damaged trust. What can we do to make her feel comfortable with me again? How does one repair broken trust in this area?

We've talked about the problem and she told me that she fears that if she trusts me with anything intimate again, I will again put pressure and stress on her. I told her that I understand how my actions have hurt her, that I'm certain I will be better for her from now on. I won't pressure her for it and I will be happy to just have her. Despite promising this and explaining how I understand, she still can't trust me. She says it doesn't help and that time won't help either. What else can we do to fix this? If words don't work, how can I prove to her that she can trust me again?

Please help us to repair our relationship.

Summary:

I inadvertently made my girlfriend feel pressured and stressed about sex, and now she cannot trust me intimately. I want to do anything I can to repair this damage, but we don't know what we can do to fix it. Please give us suggestions and advice!

Thank you in advance for your assistance.

[Agape]

I read the short version but I might read the long version later . . . perhaps you could do the opposite of what you did, don't push her, don't force her, give her space . . . is this only an intimate lack of trust? Does she trusts you in other parts of life?

[Matsuda]

is this only an intimate lack of trust? Does she trusts you in other parts of life?

Yes, that's correct. She trusts me in other areas, just not intimately.

[MerryH]

Since you haven't even met her yet, you have to realize that this isn't a real relationship. I'm sure it feels like a big important deal to you, but it's a nonexistent relationship. Nonexistent relationship = nonexistent problems. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you're making way too much of what is essentially a fantasy.

[Matsuda]

Since you haven't even met her yet, you have to realize that this isn't a real relationship. I'm sure it feels like a big important deal to you, but it's a nonexistent relationship. Nonexistent relationship = nonexistent problems. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you're making way too much of what is essentially a fantasy.

That is your opinion and you're entitled to it, but you don't really know anything about our relationship and how we feel about it beyond what's been posted. We already know the limitations of our current relationship, and the importance of meeting up in person. Additionally, she has said that this trust issue that has been created will still be there when we meet in person. It is therefore a very real problem and we would very much appreciate it if you could help with that.

[MerryH]

Look, man, what do you want people to tell you? You can't do the same things one would do in a typical relationship. You can't be physically gentler to make her feel more secure, you can't take her out, you can't cuddle her, nothing. Should I tell you to type in a more trustworthy way, or something?

Pretty much the only thing you can do is to both make a promise to put all this internet silliness behind you when you first meet and start from there.

[MerryH]

I mean, damn. You've not even having sex, yet somehow you still have a problematic "sex life". How can you not see this doesn't make any sense?

[carl1222]

I don't think your problem is trust as much as it is the impossiblilty of a long-term long distance relationship. You have been "together" for more than two years, yet you haven't even met in person yet.

No matter what you try from a technological point of veiw, you can't have a normal relationship in absentia. When you DO finally meet, you may even learn that the essential chemistry is missing ... there are certain things that you can't know without meeeting.

If you truly love this girl and want to be with her, my question is ... why are you here instead of the Air France website?

Carl.

[Ariadne]

I mean, damn. You've not even having sex, yet somehow you still have a problematic "sex life". How can you not see this doesn't make any sense?

It does make sense.

[Boisdevie]

How you can have a relationship when you have not even met? Cybsersex - is that masturbation via the telephone? Get a life. Fine someone who lives in the same city as you.

[Applesauce]

She's probably already having cyber sex with someone else

[Ariadne]

OP came here for advice, not to have his relationship choice criticized by people who don't understand or who disapprove. Bois, you didn't even attempt to address the REAL problem.


OP, it doesn't really sound like you violated her trust at all. If she was cybering with you before you got together, then why would she suddenly become uncomfortable with it when you got together? It sounds like she was never really into it, but she did it to keep you interested while she sorted out her feelings over her previous relationship. But that's neither here nor there. You're in love with her now so I assume (perhaps wrongly but I hope not) that you're willing and able to have a relationship with her without that. If she's not into it, you can't force her to be into it. If what she wants is mics and cam... well you'll just have to get over your shyness. My boyfriend and I are having a very similar problem, only the roles are reversed. I prefer cybering to webcams and mics (because I have the same phobia of them as you) while he thinks (hasn't said it but I can tell) that cybering is just kind of weird and he prefers to see and hear me. You guys might need to come to a compromise on the matter--sometimes cyber for you and sometimes cam for her.

That is, after she gets that stick out of her ass lol Until then don't mention it... except very VERY subtly. You want her to think about it so drop little one-liners in passing then quickly move on. I'm sure one night she'll just be so horny that she won't be able to resist something. If and when that happens, suggest mics/cam to her so she knows you're now willing to compromise (if you are)

But if that doesn't happen, then you'll just have to deal with it. Or dump her... but I hope you won't so you can come back here and prove to all these naysayers that online relationships CAN work >.>

[Boisdevie]

Bois, you didn't even attempt to address the REAL problem.

The real problem is the fact that this guy believes that he has a relationship with a person he has never actually met in person. I have a real girlfriend who I have physically met. We go to bed - in the same bed. This guy does not. And you think that is 'normal?

[Ariadne]

The real problem is the fact that this guy believes that he has a relationship with a person he has never actually met in person. I have a real girlfriend who I have physically met. We go to bed - in the same bed. This guy does not. And you think that is 'normal?

ysojudgemental? Frankly I don't give a shit what kind of relationship you have. And yes I do think it's normal nowadays. Kindly remove your head from your ass and realize that your way isn't the only way.

[thien]

I think this relationship is going beyond what cybernetics and internet can do for you. I agree with many of the posts above that says that a romantic relationship is not a relationship until you physically make a bond with them. Internet is a great tool to meet people and to get to know them, and to like them; but it is by no means a substitute for the real world. The physical aspect of a relationship is just as important as the emotional/spiritual one. I think that for you to really move on in your relationship, you or her should make the initiative and physically meet each other. Chances are, if you have been dating a person over the internet for over 2 years, then you have talked about everything you can think of five times over. However, meeting each other does not guarantee that you will find what you like. The next real step is to transcend the fantasy land, which is the internet, and take the chance to love each other in the real world. I don't think you should consider sexual stuff until really meet her and physically interact comfortably with each other. Talking/cybering and real sex is 2 different things.

Basically, internet relationship is a relationship built upon a non-existent foundation, even though you really like each other. I'm not telling you all this in a hypothetical standpoint, but have experienced something similar to you.