My closure - may be it will help you

[TomerT]

Hi all,
I see there are a lot of "dumped" people here, that looking for their answers and trying to understand what they did wrong. I hope this may help you.

About 1.5 months ago I was brutally dumped by my gf. She was always saying me that I am love of her life, "a knight in shining armour", the best thing that happened to her, her soul-mate, gorgeuos...blah blah blah...
In short - she left to vacation, after few weeks came back pregnant with her X. I didn't know anything about this, came to meet her at airport and couldn't even approach her. Few hours later I was asked by her mother not to initiate any contact with her, cause her new/old bf (whatever) completely controlling her and very jealous. We talked only once, may be 5 mins - she called me hiding from the toilet, saying she is sorry (I still don't understand what about exactly she is sorry), she is confused, doesn't know how it happened, it wasn't planned, she thinking about abortion, if I may consider to take her back....the funny thing that I really considered to take her back if I could see real regret and taking responsibility (she told me it was "Lord will", family pushed her, my fault...whoever, but only not hers)...
Nevermind..since then she tried to call me few times, but I ignored her calls. So we didn't talk ~37 days and last time she tried to call me was 28 days ago. Of course, I was dying to talk with her and understand what happened and to have some answers, but I expected her to come to me and look into my face and not to hide behind the phone and disconnect when it's not convinient. Anyway, I made a lot of research trying to understand what did I do wrong, what happened in order to make my own closure (since from her, most likely, I will never receive genuine answers even if I will see her one day).
So the article below
[URL="http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/10_beliefs.pdf"]http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/10_beliefs.pdf[/URL]
I think answered my all questions. I really strarted to feel reliefed and even not angry at her anymore, cause most likely she is a "sick" person and this is just no right to be angry at them... pity - may be...

Also, it made me understand something about myself and my patterns. I saw red flags, but ignored them...So it probably, partially my fault either. I am paying for my mistakes and weak character, that I didn't break up with her when I had a chance and a reason (and I had plenty...but the same day she was in my bed and the problems "were solved"...till another time). I learnt a lot from this, hope you may also.

[YouAreBeautiful]

Good lessons. Never ignore red flags!

[Agape]

Well Tomer. . . if you have improved then this unfortunate situation was 'worth' it

btw, nice find - dating stuff for a specific personality type

[TomerT]

Well Agape, I consider your reply as a compliment to my progress...
In anyway, my point is also that there are a lot of "normal" people, that they don't even know they have this problem (my gf for example, wehre mentioned a lot PMS for her mood swings)...
BPD for example usually observed and diagnosed by others and not by the person who have it.
There are many other "tangent" disorders....

what I also learnt about myself is that I have "knight in the shiny armour" syndrome (you can google it) and most likely underestimated self-esteem.
I will try to avoid this kind of patterns mistakes in the future...
The problem is that this experience will negatively effect my next relationship. It is sad, cause may be I will be lucky and meet normal girl,
BUT when she will say me "honey, I love you so much.." I will think "Yeah, right...heard this before"... and this is sad...by my scepticism I can hurt someone and ruin to myself....
This is something I still do not know how to fix.

Regarding my x-gf (sometimes I start asking myself if she ever was existing..NC helps a lil bit) - I don't feel angry at her any more...pity - may be...
on the other hand, may be even not pity, cause she created this reality for herself by her own hands...even if she can not realize and admit it.

Thank you all..

[Iliveinoblivion]

Tomert. To read the article from the link was the answer to all of my questions, questions I´ve had for 14 years. I posted my story here ("I never had any closure" I think it is) looking for some insight into, why someone would make plans to share her life with me and then cutting herself off totally without the slightest notice, warning or signal. Reading about BPD was very, very helpful for my own experience. It really explained why she turned her back completely without me understanding anything at all. It really convinced me I have to stop looking at the past still. Even though I tell myself I´m over her and moved on, true is that I was still trying to get in touch with her so she can write me a goodbye note after all these years, probably thinking I needed it for closure. Now I know it´s not going to happen and it´s not because of me, it´s because there´s people with this kind of disorders and, we have to look after ourselves accordingly.
Thanks to this article, I´m more and more convinced to leave it behind for good. Thank you again!

[TomerT]

Am really happy, that it could help others...