Getting Over Someone's Past

[ProblemKing6]

Hello. I am in serious need of help. My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year, and our entire relationship I have struggled with her past.

In her past, she used to smoke pot. This was for only about 2 years or up until we met. When we started dating she stopped completely and hasn't done it since. In the beginning I use to fear of her using behind my back, but since then I have forgot that worry, now I am at a point that I find much worst.

I hate her past. I hate it, I despise it, and yet I love her. So everytime I think about it it hurts me inside. I have no reason for hating it, I just do. It just evokes and emotion in me that makes me sick and sad and angry. I feel all this when I think about it.


How is it I can forget it? Or get over it? In a world with drugs all in the media its hard to not be reminded of all she did in the past. And its hard to not think of it and let it hurt me that hard.

I love her. And I want to make things work. But I can't feel love when I look at her in the past. I've tried for over a year to see her now. She her as who she is and not who she was.

But how do I get over it when simply looking at the ground and seeing a cigarette butt sparks a huge flame in my mind of hurt?

Please. Any advice.

[Agape]

Love her for what she is and what she means to you right now. . . if you can't get over her history then you have no future with her

Also think about this, it's her past which made her who she is today - you might change one aspect but that's not her, that's another person, that's a fantasy . . . can't you at least forgive her for it? do you love her more than your hate for her past?

And apparently she's stopped for over a year - instead of hating that, celebrate her accomplishment instead.

[spg]

Man, it's not like she was a heroin addict supporting her habit by turning tricks!

I think you might be looking for a reason to mistrust her... frankly I don't see how smoking pot is any worse that smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol (aside from legality if you live somewhere where it's illegal). All my exes have smoked pot to some degree - as long as they didn't let it affect their personality or the relationship, I never had a problem with it.

Perhaps you need to consider that your insecurities may stem from something in your past.. perhaps a female family member who abused drugs or alcohol is causing these feelings in your current relationship?

The fact is, your girlfriend stopped smoking in order to date you. That is a huge sign of her commitment and you are not doing the right thing by her if you continue to hold it against her.

[vashti]

Seriously? I thought you were going to say she had sex with the whole football team in high school, or something!

Is there anyone in the states over the age of 18 who hasn't tried smoking weed? Jeez, even the doctors I know have done it.

[LostOne]

you have problems if you can't get over that you don't deserve her future then.. grow up she stopped and weed doesn't make you a lesser person

[MerryH]

Pot? That's it? Haven't you ever smoked pot? I don't expect everyone to be cool with drug use, but you're making way too big of a deal about some weed. Educate yourself about what weed is, and I don't think you'll find it so terrifying.

And you're not supposed to make judgments about her past. You're being kind of crazy with the whole "I can't even look at a cigarette butt without giving in to a rage of fury." Stop that.

[Radarsonar]

What exactly bothers you about it? Is it the 'drugs' stigma or is it something specific about the consequences her use of it have had on her psychicological or physical health?

[Lovable]

Her past is her PAST, it's in the PAST!! She doesn't do it anymore & really smoking pot isn't a HUGE thing in the grand scheme of things that could have happened.

Don't you have a past? Were you a perfect angel when you were younger before you met her?

If you can't get over it, then it's best to let her go now before you destroy your relationship with her.

[Bella82]

When I read this, it seems like her past is a scapegoat for something else -- especially as she quit doing all of this for you. What is the real issue, are you worried that she quit for you and not for herself? Regardless of the reason, she did it -- and that's a huge commitment.

Maybe you should take a deeper look at your relationship and see if there isn't anything else that is bothering you.