Eek, being dumped hurts..

[Boscher]

Hey people,

Well everything was seemingly going great. Much like a Hollywood movie when the idealistic couple are living it up in the countryside with the dog and the sun out. Yesterday things abruptly ended.

Me and my girl were so into each other. We’d share so many admittedly mushy or goofy things, kiss each others noses, snuggle together, act like monkey’s and just completely be ourselves and not worry about censoring anything as there was just such a degree of comfort.

I learnt a lot about myself that I never knew was there. She took the courage to come to my place yesterday and tell me face to face, that she does not feel any chemistry toward me anymore. I have been suffering from separation anxiety lately when she went to University and have been very needy and clingy. She’s totally independent and strong minded. I am soppy, emotional with a huge heart and contrast to her in those ways. She does not like to talk about issues, she would rather bottle it up.

It feels like I’ve been stabbed in the chest. The pain when she told me, really was paralyzing and devastating. Perhaps embarrassingly I am 24, and this was my first relationship. I fell for this girl hard, and at first it seemed mutual. She seems to have just got bored of me.

I have to accept it… I cannot salvage something that isn’t reciprocal from her end. It breaks my heart because I am still so heavily invested and involuntarily in love. I want her to be happy ultimately, but above all else I want her to be happy with me.

I know I must suppress my feelings and get on with life – but it feels unnatural. I am trying my best to control my waterworks and compose myself but its ever so challenging. I already am ceasing contact, focusing on the other things I have in life and trying not to dwell. Sadly the anxiety has now adversely affected my eating, sleeping and just general mood in a life changing way already.

Ugh, reading back this sounds like such a generic sob story, I’m sorry – But it’s just nice to chat with others who are in similar situations I suppose.

[sapha1]

i feel your pain its so hard, maybe the time apart will make her realise what she wants , shell be stubborn at first and stick to her decision but if u wer to spend time together in few months time , if its ment she'll feel the love and connextion she had for you again and it will start to become very difficult for her , im going through the same with the one i love and a month apart i was on the edge of doing something silly , but it came to a night that we had to work together and he said all his feelings just suddenly hit him .

for a girl i suggest u give her time , cut communication as it really gets to girls if u ignore them if in a week she doesnt reply just send her a message saying u just thought about her , you love her and u hope everythings ok , but from then on wait till she contacts you.

i hope things work out , no point in me telling u to move on because i no myself you cnt and some times its simplier to do things your way and go with your heart, "always follow your heart not your head,you change your mind about things every day your heart always stays the same" keep that in mind because eventually her heart and mind will agree

xx

[hope555]

WOWWW!!! Your story DOES sound EXACTLY like mine!! HAHA...you weren't kidding when you said it!! Except with the genders switched..lol. My ex bf was also my first relationship and I was also 24! Just like you, I loved him (actually for no good reason). Just like you guys, we acted like monkeys...sooooo much fun...just got along sooo well! lol. And just like you, one day he came over, started acted differently and then broke up. You know most of my story from the previous post anyway!

I still wake up a LOT of the time missing him A LOT!! In our relationship, he was the colder, logical one..I was the soppy, big-hearted one that accomodated him to no limit. I always thought it was a good thing that we were opposites...but now I'm starting to see that it might not be when we're such POLAR opposites..lol. I don't understand how you go from having the time of your life with someone, to losing that feeling for them. He liked me SOOO much at first...how does that just go away when nothing has changed? How does he not miss cuddling me and sharing his life with me when I miss that EVERYDAY? How does he BY CHOICE give me up when we had such great chemistry? I guess these are all the questions we ask ourselves, but never really have any answers.

I completely understand what you're feeling, and I think you're doing AMAZINGLY well. VERY impressive. You accepted it, you're already in no contact, and trying to move on. I learnt this the hard way...but my advice is, miss her as much as you want in your head...but don't ever go crawling back to her, trying to rekindle old feelings. Maintain your pride, know that you were a great bf to her..and she's losing out. Its ok to hurt sometimes...but act strong, brave and independent despite of how much this hurts, because thats what people (including your ex) will respect! Don't bottle up your feelings though...open up to us here, or to a few close best friends of yours. But NOT to her. I made the HUGE mistake of beiing stubborn and trying to force my ex to change his mind for TWO months after the breakup by completely opening up to him (granted, that for some of this time, he stilll had feelings for me because he would say so)...but in retrospect, I should've just cut him off as soon as he told me he wanted to break up ..next time I know! Remember, the reason why something so wonderful ended is not important....know what you had was true, and be grateful for the experience, but don't linger on it..be ready for the next experience.

All these words are very therapeutic for me...because I'm actually saying them not just to you, but to myself too. Every now and then I'll get weak and text him to say hi....he always replies...but I feel horrible after that I gave him that power of telling him "i'm still thinking of you, thats why I said hi." Good luck...feel free to talk to me or any of the other posters on here...and keep us updated!!! *HUGS*

[Boscher]

Thank you Hope, in some sick way - it's nice that others are suffering from this problem and it's not just me. Okay, that sounds wrong but you know what I mean. I am not the only emotional mess on these boards

I'd love to follow your recovery. If you want to ping me your email or skype we can chat sometime.

Take care of yourself, you are doing great by even getting this far.

I haven't cried in a good few hours - hooray! I know, I know - men shouldn't cry, but **** it sometimes I need to release.

I will keep this updated.

[Agape]

That's okay . . . let it out . . . this forum could be your emotional safety blanket.

Good job with cutting contacts and keeping yourself busy

[Boscher]

Well she text me last night to say she's really worried about me and that she misses me..

I think it's more of a sympathy *friend* thing. I'd be stupid to get up hope about rekindling the relationship - but it's incredibly hard not to reply. I guess you always like to think your can salvage it.. but I know realistically it's slim to none not going to happen.

I want to send her a letter confirming closure, how much I loved her and telling her not to contact me, but I am not sure it's better than nothing. I kind of want her to feel guilty in some strange way, she hurt me so I want her to feel the hurt also..

I'm probably going to continue no comms - she broke my heart, she can deal with herself. The more I talk with her, the more my emotions and feelings get stirred in my heart and the more I can't fix my mental state. I'm going cold turkey. I have also removed any mutual friends, as they trigger me to think of her - which just makes me think of the breakup and distress.

But what I wouldn't give to rewind time 5 months and be snuggling with her infront of the fire watching an Arnie movie.

[BeingAlpha]

Well she text me last night to say she's really worried about me and that she misses me..

I think it's more of a sympathy *friend* thing. I'd be stupid to get up hope about rekindling the relationship - but it's incredibly hard not to reply. I guess you always like to think your can salvage it.. but I know realistically it's slim to none not going to happen.

I want to send her a letter confirming closure, how much I loved her and telling her not to contact me, but I am not sure it's better than nothing. I kind of want her to feel guilty in some strange way, she hurt me so I want her to feel the hurt also..

I'm probably going to continue no comms - she broke my heart, she can deal with herself. The more I talk with her, the more my emotions and feelings get stirred in my heart and the more I can't fix my mental state. I'm going cold turkey. I have also removed any mutual friends, as they trigger me to think of her - which just makes me think of the breakup and distress.

But what I wouldn't give to rewind time 5 months and be snuggling with her infront of the fire watching an Arnie movie.

The best response is no response -- why? leaves the person thinking you are indifferent, also if you send some sort of letter etc..and don't get the response you want -- it will be 10 times worse. When people (us) try to test their partners -- like "I'll ignore her or give her the silent treatment to see if she will try to make me feel better etc.." you end up feeling worse because you never get back EXACTLY what you had envisioned.

If you REALLY want to send the letter -- send it for yourself, not to make her feel guilty or pity (which are feelings that cause people to run further away btw)...imagine that you will not get a response of any kind and be okay with that before you do something like this.

You will be okay -- if its a pretty recent breakup just take some time -- clear your head.

[hope555]

I agree with the wise beingalpha..lol. I don't think a letter is the worst idea, if done correctly. You need to phrase it so that you can express yourself, but also sound that you accept her decision and will move on. Don't beg her or try to make her change her mind. It sucks keeping residual feelings inside...sometimes its better to have them out to the person that led you to have these feelings. I don't know if thats correct advice, but I don't believe in mind games or pretending to not care about her so that it'll make her miss you and come back. I personally believe in expressing yourself for who you are and be content with the fact that you have these feelings out, whether your ex responds to them or not. But also know when to stop bothering them with your feelings. Don't get upset if she doesn't respond. Additionally, don't get elated if she does respond and says she misses you. She broke your heart, and right now, missing you is not enough to get soft for her again. I personally believe that once a person has broken your heart, they have to physically do something significantly life-changing to pursue you, as oppossed to just saying via an email msg "I miss you". Thats probably why so few couples ever get back together because one party can't completely trust the other one in case they break their heart again. Again, these are just idealistic advice I give...but in reality, I am far from following it..lol. There's nothing wrong with making mistakes in a breakup...just protect your heart because it has just started to heal. *HUGS*

[Sonrisa]

i would like to have regular updates on the new love connection. we haven't have those in a while.

[hope555]

oh PS: snuggling by the fire with a movie was by FAR my most favourite thing to do, and one that I miss a ridiculous amount since the breakup....

[Boscher]

i would like to have regular updates on the new love connection. we haven't have those in a while.

I think you have the wrong thread darling. I do not have a new love connection.

On the upside - today I never contacted her. I think I am getting the hang of this. Blanking her isn't easy but I understand its purpose.

[Cyberpunk85]

It's hard to get these things right the first time. Humans learn the best from their mistakes. After a few bitter relationships, you'll start to get the hang of not being clingy.

[YouAreBeautiful]

First relationships are like this. This is the second related post I've commented on today about break up sin first relationships. It takes time to heal. It feels like being stabbed in the chest. It will feel that way for months. Usually less than a year, but usually takes months to get over it. You simply have to keep away and live your life. I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. Especially someone who reserved a relationship for the right person. First relationships rarely work out unfortunately. People become more guarded down the line with their hearts. Now you know why =( Good luck in healing.