Thinking about marriage at 18

[benny]

I'm 18, and me and my girlfriend have been together for two years. Just as we were getting together, I organised a gap year to Argentina, and I've had to leave her behind for four months. We've found it difficult to talk, and it's felt less like a proper relationship (I know I shouldn't be pointing fingers, but I do think it's been mainly her who hasn't put in the effort to communicate and things). We're definitely getting back together when I get back, and until recently, I was sure that everything would be back to normal. But the other day, she told me she thought it was really weird that I sometimes talked about things like where we'd live together in the future, and jokingly talked about kid's names and things. She used to talk about this stuff too, but when she said "I think it's weird that you talk about those things" it made me think that maybe she's stopped thinking of us as a permanent couple. I asked why, and she said "I've had other boyfriends, and I know how bad things can go". Am I reading too much into this? Is it weird to think about marriage at 18? I love her so much, and to me, love means that you DO want to spend the rest of your life with them. I'm not saying nothing bad can happen, but the idea of marriage makes me happy, and it makes her think I'm weird. What do you think?

[girl68]

You're way, way way too young to get married. I didn't even read your post either. You are just simply much too young.

[Nimrod44]

While it's not unusual to think about marriage at 18 it IS too young to go through with it IMO. Both of you have a lot of growing up to do, with or without one another. There is no need to rush such an important decision.

Loving someone doesn't always mean you will or should spend the rest of your lives together. Relationships of all kinds change, grow and sometimes break. That's life and one of the many lessons you have yet to learn. The loss of a love is a very important lesson that every one of us goes through. It can teach you about yourself and what's really critical to have in a partner and life in general.

[benny]

I realise that. I also know that it's naive to think we WILL be married. But I don't see the sense in planning on breaking up. Surely we should be planning our lives together, and if things go wrong, we'll deal with it then? Or is it better to think of it the way she is? That we won't think about the far future, because we'll only be disappointed if we do break up? I'd rather be optimistic about things, and face problems only if they actually arise. But I really don't want to talk to her about this stuff now. Not while we're not physically together. I'm afraid she's losing interest (since she used to be fine about talking about things like that) and I don't want to seem clingy. Just to clear up, I'm not actually going to get engaged until I'm ready to set up a home, and provide financial stability. Which could be up to ten years from now.

[xxazurexx]

She aint thinking 'long term' and who can blame her...I' thinking she's very young too.

And if you are talking marriage etc and because you are trying to tie her down out of fear of losing her, then you are thinking marriage for all the WRONG reasons.

[Nimrod44]

I realise that. I also know that it's naive to think we WILL be married. But I don't see the sense in planning on breaking up. Surely we should be planning our lives together, and if things go wrong, we'll deal with it then? Or is it better to think of it the way she is? That we won't think about the far future, because we'll only be disappointed if we do break up? I'd rather be optimistic about things, and face problems only if they actually arise. But I really don't want to talk to her about this stuff now. Not while we're not physically together. I'm afraid she's losing interest (since she used to be fine about talking about things like that) and I don't want to seem clingy. Just to clear up, I'm not actually going to get engaged until I'm ready to set up a home, and provide financial stability. Which could be up to ten years from now.

Please don't start "planning our lives together" at this age. If she senses that you are thinking in these terms I don't blame her for backing off. Both of you should be enjoying life, having fun, learning and growing in all sorts of ways. Don't start clinging to one person now. Also, different relationships show you ways to deal with a variety of problems.

It's great that you aren't considering any engagement until you could provide financially. 10 years .. maybe. That's a great unknown for you now. 5, 10, 15 years from now you could have very different goals in life and abilities to plan and pay for them. Who you may want to share those goals with may be different also.

Relax and don't put this gal in a box. You will lose her that way.

[benny]

Alright. Thanks guys. Even though everyone disagreed with me, it was helpful to hear what you think. Although i won't be cancelling my plans to go to the same uni as her. And my plan is still to grow up with her, not away from her. I'm trying to be realistic and optimistic here. It just made me freak out to think that she didn't love me as much as i loved her. She's probably just more sensible than me.

[all alone]

Dude, your 18.. staying stuff like that would freak most ppl up. Even if you have been dating a while, way too early.

[spiritofjosh]

Take a look at what percentage couples get divorced. Even people over 30 get divorced often even when they still love each other. Things can change at the blink of an eye, what may seem perfect now may be a nightmare a year later. Especially around your age.

[Kaius]

I married when I was very "young". I was 23, and as much as I tried to avoid divorce, it was inevitable. After 12 years of growing up, you realize that you are not the person you were back then, and neither was your mate.
People's perspectives and interests change over time, and there is a HUGE change between 20s and 30s. You don't really stabilize your maturity as a man until you are 30 or so. That's why you divorce is so common for
people who marry so young. In the old days, of course people married when they were teenagers, because they only live till 40! These days, there is so much more to see and learn.....and grow into the person you
are supposed to be. Why rush into marriage? There is no way to predict how you will become, so why risk the heartache? Oh, by the way, my divorce costed me $500,000.

[YouAreBeautiful]

I totally disagree with the person who posted without reading what you said in your post. One of the problems with "modern" relationships is that we open our hearts in our first relationships completely to the other person. We let our feelings out completely unbridled to the other person. As we move on we become more inhibited, hold ourselves back, and loose some of that openness and purity. Getting married at a young age could work out great. If a guy is making the proposition I think there is a higher chance for success. Many times the problem seems ot be that the man was dragged into the early marriage unwillingly due to baby or some other cause. If the man wants to commit that cuts major potential for an unhappy marriage IMO. However the girl seems confused. She may have talked to friends or family who said what yo uare saying is weird and is simply repeating them. One of the other problems with being young. This is the type of guy we women wish for in later years. I think it's great that you want to get married, however make sure the woman is %100 into it and it sounds like she isn't at this point in time. Don't try to force it.

[humili]

You will regret if you choose to marry so young! that is for sure!