...about the ex. woohoo.

[Legato]

I'm 23 and recently got dumped by my gf of about 1 year.

We loved each other from the start and she would say things like " You're my best boyfriend, lover, etc." and "I think we'll be together for a long time." Upon our initial break up about 5 months ago due to fighting a lot she had said something along the lines of "I don't love you like I did when we first started dating," and "There's no starting over, you can't get those feeling back." I believed her because I had never been in a heavy relationship like this before and she had. In the beginning, I was still unsure if I wanted her for a long time but I never didn't want to be her boyfriend.

So we tried not talking but it didn't work so we kept on like we were. (fighting and all) Things went OK for a while but the last few months have been pretty rocky. She graduated from college and got a job 30 minutes away. I believe the stress of graduating and getting a job and adjusting to the real world had stressed her out a lot. I tried to be there for her but I felt I just couldn't make her happy anymore. Her spark was gone and I let it fade away because I was unsure if it would ever come back. I feel like I didn't try hard enough or didn't pick up on her signals. (basically have to be telepathic with her sometimes)

So one day, I figured that i should try to make this work and asked her to "officially" get back together instead doing the whole on and off thing. I gave her a weekend to think about it and she sent me a text saying that "I think we should move on." I respected that and tried no contact but one day I couldn't handle it and started panicking and calling and texting and doing everything I should not have done.

We started no contact but after the 3rd day, I was informed of a family problem (they're 6 1/2 hours away) to which I just broke down since I had been so depressed lately. it was too much so I called her and tried to get her to comfort me. Honestly, I needed someone to talk to and I didn't want to be distracted by her so I could help my family through the mess they were in. She tried to comfort me but I didn't feel any better about us. So I went home for 5 days and while I was heading back to school she called. (we hadn't talked for the 5 days) We had a nice convo for about 10 minutes in which we kinda made plans for her birthday to get lunch in about 2 weeks.

So other than a drunk text and failed conversation this weekend we had no contact. She called me today to tell me about her new car before she went to work. Good 5 minute convo and I gave her a little time to figure out what she wanted to do for her birthday. I have learned a lot from this relationship. About how they work and stuff.

Sorry for the long story but I wanted to give out the info.

I guess my questions are these:
Can you "reignite" the spark? Can you start over?
Should i do something for her birthday?
Can I salvage this relationship?
Is she feeling this way from all the stress?

[IncognitoSir]

I guess my questions are these:
Can you "reignite" the spark? Can you start over? Sure, but only if both people give it their all and really want it. (Not you doing all the work)
Should i do something for her birthday? Honestly, no, you need to focus on moving on. At this rate, you'll never fully get over her and ruin all your future relationships.
Can I salvage this relationship? The relationship is over, so no, it's not salvageable.
Is she feeling this way from all the stress? MAybe, did you ask her, if she wont tell you, all the more reason to MOVE ON man!

Since this is your first serious relationship, I understand you think the world is going to end now. It's not. I'm coming up on a year anniversary of breaking up with my first love. She ripped my heart out and dragged it thru the mud. Yet, here I am, stronger and smarter than ever. Hell, I just spoke with her a few days ago, no bad blood, but I would NEVER take her back. She doesn't deserve me. Take this as a life lesson man. It wasn't meant to last forever. There will be more in your future, make sure you don't let this chick hold you back from your future.

[Legato]

Thanks a lot. That might be the second time I've heard that.

I've read a couple of getting back together books and thought I would hold out hope. I really just need to know but I'm gonna give it a while. I think you may be right though. i need to move on. Thanks again.

[cmacattack1]

No contact is not a thing you use for a week. It's something you have to institute for a long time for yourself. What book were you reading (or messages you were receiving?) because the one I read told me that the longer you have it the better it is.

What did you learn from your relationship? I see you said "We were doing fine for a while (fighting and all)?" I know we all have this accepted view of relationships, from what we see, what we hear, maybe what our parents were like that fighting does happen. But it shouldn't. Okay, so there is passion there with fighting and passion is great. But fighting shouldn't be a normal thing and our goals should be to minimize the fighting as much as possible. I think you should have a little more analysis into your relationship. And maybe bounce a few ideas against some neutral parties (i.e. here on the forum).

I certainly know how you feel. When I first got dumped, I was in straight panic mode and through all sorts of attention at her. And it was purely panic, purely in my sole interest and in a way, it made it feel like we were still together. But we weren't and she had to re-dump me again (although she did respond to me). Letting go was tough, after I got dumped the second time, I instituted no contact and thought I could win her back from a book called "How to get your ex-girlfriend back". While we were still talking, she was seeing somebody else and I found out they were dating when I broke no contact. The point is while she may talk to you, and may even call you, she is still keeping her options open. And it hurts when you find that out, dagger right in your chest.

We all have issues, we all have problems, and you just have to realize that they don't want to be that person to fall back on anymore when they dump you (even if they play the part) because they are confused too. You just have to focus on how to get through each day without them and it's dark now but it will get easier. And yeah, I still haven't been serious with anybody and it's been a year but I have found happiness on my own without her and I think you should try and find happiness on your own as well. When you don't need to rely on somebody to hold the key to your happiness, the independence you feel is an amazing feeling.

Can a relationship rekindle? Yes, but not anytime soon. You need some time on your own to let the hurt fade (on both ends, not just you) and maybe you guys will still have that in the future. Unfortunately, if she's not ready, it won't happen. How do you know that? You don't and you can't guess it. That's why it's easier to find somebody new. Fresh start, more experience, better decision making on your part. You never know when you may run into them in the future and what can happen, but until then, try not to focus on them.

Should you remember her birthday? Let me tell you a story. My ex's birthday fell about 6-7 months after we broke up, and I sent her a text after 6-7 months of no contact just to wish a happy birthday. It was fine, fair enough. Then a few months after that, I was going to be in town and I figured we could meet up and catch up. She was all about it at first and then completely blew me off. I still happened to run into her anyway and it was a real awkward situation. She's been dating somebody the whole time we have been broken up, so maybe it was weird for her. Anyway, I believe the point of my story is that while I convinced myself that I was doing it to be nice, part of me did hope she would try and talk to me. Same with the call and the attempt to meet up. One thing leads to another and next thing you know you are falling back into old habits. And I think I really do want her to be happy even if it's not with me and I want to be friendly and with friends with her, but it's just not very likely. Depending on the people, depending on the situation, it's all very unpredictable. And I still think about her and still haven't been with anybody seriously since. If you really want to move forward, make sure you are ready before you make any attempt at contact. And if her birthday is any time soon, you probably aren't going to be ready.

Should I salvage this? No, this relationship is broken, you should view it as something that is lost. Not a bad thing, there is alot of hurt and alot of problems and issues lying beneath the surface. What you want to do is have a fresh start, a new relationship if anything. And the only way you can achieve that is if you both became different people and THEN wanted to give it a shot. Is that likely? No it isn't. But if you are concentrating on working on yourself to make yourself not only a better boyfriend for the future, but a better son, brother, friend, etc., you maximize those odds even if you don't end up with her. And that's if she has really changed as well, she very well could not. In that case you couldn't work out logically anyway. Give it some space, work on you, and see where you are in the future.

Is this stress the reason? It's a factor, but it shouldn't be the say-all. If it was, she isn't a stable person to have a serious future with. If the going gets tough, and this is her reaction? Nope, not exactly a keeper is she? Could it contribute and amplify your problems? Yes. Not to mention you aren't at the top of her priority list if her school and job are coming ahead of you. Which isn't exactly a bad thing, you want a girl that can stand on her own two feet. At least I do. It is a tough time in transition, and she may not be willing to build her life and future around you, especially if you are getting in the way of that (Does she have to find a job where you do, where you guys live, etc.). Chances are that your issues are more about what's getting in the way, and the only that can heal that is time.

Good luck with everything man, and instead of talking to her about your problems, try and vent on here. That way you won't say anything you shouldn't have said. I know it's no consolation, but you have to utilize every tool at your disposal as long as it isn't putting baggage on her. She wants to be with somebody that is attractive, which isn't you if you are moping around and having serious problems to talk to her with. She wants to be with somebody that is stable and can provide for her, in the same vein as the attractive part. Find happiness on your own and when she sees you again, it's a whole new you, eh?

[Legato]

Wow...haha. You are the man. Thanks a lot. I guess this forum thing really is a good idea.

I read the ex2 system. it seemed to make sense but I need to give me and her some more time. It just makes me anxious but also makes me feel better so I am able to concentrate on school and stuff.

I sent her the "break up acceptance" e-mail but not to try and get back with her. Just said I agreed with it because I guess I really do agree with it. I just need to have patience. Not for her, for me. Thanks again. Great advice on these forums.

[cmacattack1]

Good man, my problem with those kinds of letters and emails is that sometimes I wish I said it just a little differently. And it bugs you and you feel the need to clarify it. But they are going to take it their own way no matter what and it could be used against you with the evidence.

I don't exactly agree with the book on all parts but it does have some good guidelines. The hardest part is keeping no contact and it's extremely difficult to fake not caring about her for a good period of time, let's say a year. You have to genuinely focus on yourself and do things that are good for you and keeping you busy, making you feel more confident and, at least for me, establishing some self worth. Going to gym and working out (which I do 6 days a week since we broken up), doing better in school and focusing on your future (I've focused on taking online classes to get into pharmacy school), doing better at your job (gotten full time status with benefits, some certifications, a couple raises), and spending more time with your friends. Staying focusing and getting by every day is the hard part but like I said it does get easier.

And you are going to think about the relationship alot. Keep bouncing ideas and if you have any questions or something to think about, post it on here. There is nobody to say that we are right (or the books you read) but maybe it can give you a little bit different of a perspective. I've come to a decent level of comfort with my current situation and a decent understanding of our relationship and how I can improve upon that. You can't control what she does, but you can certainly control what you do. This break up is an opportunity for a newer, better you. It would truly be a shame to waste it and to end up like "every other guy" that doesn't change.

[Petit Papillon]

Books about couples getting back together ,are for couples where two people want it ,just had some issues and they both want to work it out. You can't fix a relationship if it's only you who wants to fix it ,because relationship (and fixing it) takes TWO. Seems that she already let it go so I wouldn't hope for anything . Learn from this relationship , learn from the mistakes,because they will sure appear in your next relationship. But by then, you should already know how to fix it before it's too late. You should also learn more about yourself, you have to find what unresolved problems you have within yourself ,that could cause problems in your future relationship.
Last time I've read really good book about relationships and marriage. It's called "Getting the love you want: A guide for couples" by Harville Hendrix .

[Legato]

You guys really help put things into perspective for me. Thanks a lot. She just called and invited me to lunch. I don't think she has gotten the letter yet though. haha. I'm just going to tell her about it and act normal. This is very contradictory as to what has been happening the last 2 weeks. I still can't tell if I'm setting myself up for another let down or not. I'm going to have to go by the book (ex2 system) on this one and just act like I used to when I was happy. Thanks again guys.

[Petit Papillon]

You welcome and good luck on moving on

[Legato]

Well the lunch went pretty well. No fighting or talking about the relationship. Except I had to tell her about the message I sent her through facebook so it wouldn't be awkward when she read it. She could not stop talking about her new car so I went along with it. While eating we just chit chatted about random stuff. However, I couldn't really tell if she was excited to see me or show off her new car. I think it was both. But I think the fact that she chose to go to lunch with me to her favorite place instead of her best friend might say something. Don't know, I'm probably over analyzing but whatever. Yeah, it went well.

[Legato]

Anyone think she is still interested? I just want to know it there's a chance.

[LissaP]

There's always another chance. You just have to go about it the right way. You dont want to smother the person. You'd rather have them coming back to you. I saw a blog site that had some great information you might be able to use. One article was titled what things can i do to get my ex girlfriend back. i think the site was relationship recovery-how to win my ex back. Do a search and see if you can find some useful information.

[VincenzoG91]

Breakups always happen for a reason. Or sometimes several reasons. Anyway, getting back together isn't a good idea unless those reasons for the breakup get resolved.

[Legato]

Well tonight was supposed to be the big date night for her birthday but I've noticed she is very reluctant about it. I texted her last night saying that we would go eat sushi then maybe have a drink afterwards. No response. She does this all the time and I don't want to handle it anymore. I thought I would try and win her back but I think it will only lead to more pain and heartbreak. I think it may be time to move on...

[Boisdevie]

I think it may be time to move on...

Got it in 1. Move on.