Do you think she is coming back?

[michaelking]

My girlfriend of 5 years left me about a week ago, which she by the way has done many times, but always manages to make her way back eventually, but this time I can't be sure if that will be the case. We've been having some serious relationship issues for the past year and a half, and it's mainly my fault. There's one thing that is holding her back from me, that of which I would rather not talk about, but I am sure that some will assume correctly. Well, we've been talking on the phone for the past two days (A week after she left), the first night she talked to me, she wouldn't stop telling me how miserable she felt without me, she missed the way I held her, I'm the love of her life, and that she cannot live without me, but there is just that one thing that is keeping her away (I did tell her that I feel the exact way about her too). She also told me that she would be coming back only if I addressed that one issue in particular. The second night we spoke over the phone, we talked briefly, and she wouldn't stop asking me if I was messing around with anyone else, asking me where I had been, whom I had been hanging out with, and to promise her that I wouldn't be with anyone else while she was away, that of which I did promise not to do, and I intend to keep that promise. We also talked about me going to treatment, which is what she wants, and is what I'm going to do, and she told me that, that's all she's nervous about, and to just give her some time to regain her comfort level. I am going to treatment for that issue because I do want this work out, I love her, and I regret the way I've hurt been hurting her. We still talk about marriage and we still reminiscence about the past. It makes me feel depressed but hopeful at the same time. From a woman's perspective, does this sound like she really does love me and will come back? If any men have any expertise when it comes to women, please provide your input also. Please no trolling. By the way, if anyone is curious, I am aware of where she goes each time she takes off, which is to a female friends house, her safe haven, I guess you could call it that. I do feel remorseful for what I have done and I do want to change, and hopefully my first day of treatment will go well. Any answers would be greatly appreciated.

[cmacattack1]

It's tough to really make a call on this if you aren't completely open and honest about the issues you have. I, for one, was a pretty heavy drinker myself, but treatment could be for all sorts of addictions. Not to say you aren't responsible, you are in complete control of your actions, but you have to stop beating yourself up. Kicking yourself while you are down isn't the kind of motivation to help yourself with your issues. And you have to help yourself, she or anybody else isn't going to do that for you. I say that because I would act like a victim to my problems, but all this talk and not actually doing anything gets you absolutely nowhere.

As for your girlfriend, okay. She has broken up with you many times before. And your response to this was "Okay, she has always found her way back to me before." What does everybody else see in this situation? You are in a vindictive cycle. You are to the point where you see that breaking up is part of a normal relationship. And she sees this as a way to get herself what she wants. It is not, break ups are supposed to be the END of the relationship. To break up but still keep contact with you is actually selfish and quite frankly bullshit.

Okay, I understand you love this girl. Right now you don't want to be with anybody else. You are emotionally high, she is too, and nothing good can really be resolved of this. The same problems exist and getting back together is just another prelude to a future break up. And you are scared, afraid she might not come back. And she very well may not. However, this is an opportunity for you to break the cycle and really fix shit that is going on with you and it's an opportunity for her to fix shit as well in her life. If things were on track and in line, you guys wouldn't be these horrible emotional messes at the moment.

You feel guilty for the things you have done, and you feel like it's mostly your fault. She does have a role to play in this too however. And guess what, even if you fix everything on your end, if she doesn't fix anything either, you guys will probably still not make it in the future. You both have to become different people to have any real shot at this relationship. The people you are currently broke up because the people you are currently aren't working. And to want to fix your problems to have a relationship with her is only temporary motivation. Because if she doesn't come back, you are going to fall back on your old habit and what makes you the work in progress you are today.

You have to make you your number one right now, not her. She has no right to break up with you, and check in with you, tell her she misses you and then tells you not to be with anybody else. Who is she to dictate your life? She does have the power right now as she is the one that dumped you and you are in the mode of chasing to "win" her back. You are more likely to get her back by NOT talking to her and being her cushion while she is out doing her own thing. She may miss you, she may be hanging with her friends but guess what? She is single. And I know that she is very capable of convincing herself that if she were to meet somebody, she is fully capable of pursuing something with that person.

Is that likely? No. Will she still miss you? Yes. But you guys aren't making any progress when you guys are broken up but still talking and still missing each other and being unable to live without each other. Is she the only girl in the world for you? Logically, no. There are many people that can be your "one", you just want her to be your one right now. I'm telling you though, the minute you tell her you need time on your own and that she has to respect that, is the minute she will go nuts and then throw herself back at you. The time you tell her "Listen, you wanted to break up with me and this is what it is like. I have to be on my own to get myself reestablished and I need my space." She is going to go apeshit wondering if you are with other people and what you are doing.

I'm not telling you this so you can trick her into being back with you, or to drive her nuts with some kind of savage revenge, I'm telling you this because you have to fix you for you right now. The only thing that you are in control of is your actions and you have to do this to make you a better person for you, for your family, for your friends, and for her if she is your girlfriend in the future or a new girlfriend and that does not happen overnight. In all honest, the minute she throws herself back at you, I would actually say no. You need this time on your own to make progress, and to always have her there, you aren't going to change. I was faced with the concept of breaking up many times, and when did I make my actual progress and growing up? When she left me, when she wasn't coming back immediately, and when I stopped trying to chase her down and win her back. And to be honest, it was the best thing ever to happen to me. Do I miss her, over a year later? Yes, I miss who she was. But I know that she has some growing up to do and your ex is no exception.

Sorry if I was a bit blunt or harsh. It's been a while since I've been on this forum.

[Iliveinoblivion]

I think you´re lucky if she´s asking you on the phone where you went or what you did and with who. If she wasn´t interested anymore, maybe she wouldn´t care about it unless she´s looking for a reason to fight but you would know that better. You have to choose between having her love or be honest about the subject you don´t want to talk about. R U thinking about going on your whole life with her without adressing that issue? Think also why she needs to know. Sometimes, we have to give if we want to receive. Take care.

[SelflessnHumble]

There's one thing that is holding her back from me, that of which I would rather not talk about.
We also talked about me going to treatment, which is what she wants, and is what I'm going to do

Either way if it is drugs or alcohol, identifying you have a problem is a good thing. 2nd, wanting treatment
and going to treatment are two different things. By your writing it doesn't sound like you will go. I hope you do.
It isn't right to put someone through this kind of emotions stress and torment.

she wouldn't stop telling me how miserable she felt without me, she missed the way I held her, I'm the love of her life, and that she cannot live without me, but there is just that one thing that is keeping her away (I did tell her that I feel the exact way about her too). She also told me that she would be coming back only if I addressed that one issue in particular. The second night we spoke over the phone, we talked briefly, and she wouldn't stop asking me if I was messing around with anyone else, asking me where I had been, whom I had been hanging out with, and to promise her that I wouldn't be with anyone else while she was away, that of which I did promise not to do, and I intend to keep that promise.

Of course she loves you.
Her jealousy puzzles me (about where you've been)
Have you cheated either now, or before? Did you ever see someone else when you two were broken up?

I am going to treatment for that issue because I do want this work out, I love her, and I regret the way I've hurt been hurting her. We still talk about marriage and we still reminiscence about the past. It makes me feel depressed but hopeful at the same time. Does this sound like she really does love me and will come back? If any men have any expertise when it comes to women, please provide your input also. Please no trolling. By the way, if anyone is curious, I am aware of where she goes each time she takes off, which is to a female friends house, her safe haven, I guess you could call it that. I do feel remorseful for what I have done and I do want to change, and hopefully my first day of treatment will go well. Any answers would be greatly appreciated.

Don't regret the way you've hurt her.
Own up to hit and tell her, and show her and involve her.
Why are you talking about treatment? Just go.
I'm not wondering where she is going, but this kinda tells me something how your mind thinks...
I mean all you can do is to trust someone and go by their word.

5 Years is enough time to realize what you've done to her and this relationship AND
to realize what you need to do: Go to treatment.

No one should have to endure the abuse she has had to endure so the fact
she has stayed with you either says she loves you OR is tamed to the abuse you dish out.

Plain and simple (and not for her) but for yourself:
You need to stop abusing the drugs or alcohol and start changing your life
for the better. Realize your mistakes, tell her how sorry you are, then show her by
never taking her for granted again. If you do -you cannot use alcohol/substance abuse as a crutch/excuse.

It's either your will and determination that wins OR it's the junk.
It always has and will always be your choice. She deserves better from you.