Need Help badly!!!!!!

[lm683]

I will meet with him for dinner tonight. However , I am sitting in a coffee shop thinking should I tell him that I want to be friends right now?

Some Facts:
1. I am 35, no kids. He is 45 with 2 young kids, 4 and 7.
2. I met him about half month ago online. We were very happy we found each other at first. We have great communication. He is very intelligent, I like that a lot. He speaks 2 languages, have lived in these 2 countries. So do I.
3. He told me a lot of his past. He still loves 2 women from his past. He wouldn't hang up on either of them. It bothers me.
4. I am not sure how well I will interact with his kids. I've never met them yet.
5. He has limited time for me. Tonight will be the only time he sees me this week.
6. He had a lot of sexual encounter in the past, It is Ok, so did I. However, i suspect he will not be able to fall in love again.

It is a young relationship, I should feel happy but I feel heavy now. I don't know how to love a guy who loves 2 women from his past. Only because they left him, I was trying to tell him that his feeling toward them is not love any more. They don't love him just have power over him. He was offended by my comments.

I want to end the relationship, but I also think it might be too early to call it off. But I feel very annoyed when thinking about his obsession to these 2 women, and I have no experience with kids, it causes a lot of anxiety too.

Please tell me what to do.

[MerryH]

Too early to call it off? No such thing. If you don't think it will work out with him, it's better to end it sooner rather than later when you're much more emotionally attached.

And yeah, still being in love with two women from his past isn't a good starting point for a relationship. At least he was open about that before you two got too serious.

[Danni85]

Half a month? So it's only been going on for 2 weeks between you two?

I don't see what the dilemma is here. He has wayyyy too much baggage and it's not like you can be in love with him after 2 weeks is it?

Just walk away.

[Poetic_Partner]

If you don't see a relationship, then simply tell him so. He's been around enough that he should be able to handle it maturely, and if not then tough-poopies for him.

However, I would reexamine some of your comments.


"...3. He told me a lot of his past. He still loves 2 women from his past. He wouldn't hang up on either of them. It bothers me...."
"...I feel very annoyed when thinking about his obsession to these 2 women..."

Nothing in the first statement says "obsession" to me. He met someone, it didn't work out, and he's retained feelings for them. That's EXACTLY what you're asking of him after only one date ("I want to be friends right now"). Now, if he truly is obsessed with them, then BIG RED FLAG WITH CLAXON HORNS - back away quickly. Sure, if it bothers you then don't put him through that grief, but if he simply retains feelings for them then he's not at fault.


"...4. I am not sure how well I will interact with his kids. I've never met them yet...."

IMHO, then you should wait till you've interacted with them a bit before making a decision to either stay or leave. You can make this clear by simply saying "I'd like to get to know you better but am unsure how I feel about children."


"...5. He has limited time for me. Tonight will be the only time he sees me this week...."

Well, that depends on what you need. If you don't have anyone waiting in the wings, then why not schedule a couple more dates with him while keeping an eye out for someone with more time?


"...6. He had a lot of sexual encounter in the past, It is Ok, so did I. However, i suspect he will not be able to fall in love again...."

This one just confuses me. Has he given you reason to think he's become jaded? You've already said he still "loves" two of his old flames. If anything, he sounds like the sort who has lots of love to give.


To be honest, I'm sensing a bit of neediness from you here. After one date, you're worried about him refusing to tell old flames "I have no time", him being so busy he can only see you once a week, and he has kids who presumably will command his attention. What all three have in common is that he can't drop everything in a snap for you. If what I say is true, he will likely not suit your desires and needs. If I'm mis-reading, then I see no reason to give up on him so early.

-PP

[YouAreBeautiful]

At 35 he will definitely be able to fall in love again. As I said in another post, the heart is stronger than the mind! As much as you may think you will never fall in love again, ti is possible. He is seeing you, that shows growth already. You can prove him wrong, just keep going. Don't give up on the relationship after this. It will take him a while to realize this. Don't push it the relationship is still young. He needs time is all.

[lm683]

Thanks for your responses.
To Poetic_Partner:" but if he simply retains feelings for them then he's not at fault."
I used the word "obsession" because he said he wouldn't know what to do if the women showed up, implied the huge possibility that he would go out with them if they show up.

I suspect he will not love again, because he married twice (not these 2 women), but he didn't love his wives. He had a lot of relationships, but only loved 2 times. I wouldn't think I am that a special woman that he would love me easily.

By the way, last night he caught up in a heavy traffic on the way of picking me up. After nearly 2 hours without hearing from him, I was a little bit worried, so I called him. The phone went through but he didn't pick it up. I　was upset angry also very worried. I thought he might have an accident, passed out or dead. Minutes later, he called back, he was just on the phone with his kids for a long while. I was pissed because he didn't let me know just let me sit for 2 hours wondering, worrying. Then I got over the negative emotion, we had a good night . Am I not reasonable as he said? or does he treat me like shit as I feel?

[Poetic_Partner]

LM,

If you put it that way, then he seems to have not completely grown up - his heart seems to flitter about.

If that's the case, then feel free to have fun with his company, but don't expect him to be good relationship material.

As to the no-call when he was stuck in traffic, you are right to have expected a call if at all possible of him. If he's absent minded, he may have gotten lost in his phone call, but more likely he just kept putting it off.

-PP

[Charisma]

I'd be wary of this. I know that I like getting a lot of attention, and that I can get jealous and possessive easily- even without reason. So a guy that doesn't just have 2 kids, but also a busy life and feelings for 2 other women would send me running.

2 hours without calling when he's supposed to pick you up?!?! That seems pretty extreme, even tho I'm not one for fussing over phonecalls, but it was a planned thing and he was supposed to meet you!

[VincenzoG91]

3. He told me a lot of his past. He still loves 2 women from his past. He wouldn't hang up on either of them. It bothers me.

If he said "love", that should be a deal-breaker right there. Counting his two kids, that would be four people that he cares about more than you. Now, if he said something else, and you are interpreting that as "love," talk to him first to find out where he stands.

[lm683]

About these two women:
One is from his high school that He had a crush on. He cheated his first wife with this girl. Then the high school girl left, he still loves her.
The other is his former gf who broke up with him in a sad way. He was trying to contact her 10 years ago, she refused to talk to him.
Remember he is 45 years old, these 2 women are from prehistorical era, is it obsession?

[swoopo]

two much baggage