how do i get him to realize he needs help?

[cohen_girl]

So, my recently ex boyfriend is kind of scaring me. He tells me that he's not normal and incapable of feeling pain because he won't let himself feel emotions and can take punches well. He said he's got "the basics of a stone cold killer".

When we were in a relationship together he would never argue with me (because he believes relationships shouldn't have arguements in them, whereas I believe that arguements implement needed communication and are bound to happen since no two people are the same). However, he would get mad for really small things elsewhere, the cashier told him that his $2 bill wasn't legitamite currency so he blew up at him, we went to a community festival and a girl came up to us and asked where she could find drugs and he yelled "this is why i don't go into public anymore!", small things like that happen and it will ruin his entire day. He's got horrible roadrage and constantly talks about how stupid other people are.

He had a troubled past and was abused as a child, he was also in and out of jail as a teen/early 20's, and I know that has a huge impact on him now.

I don't think it's healthy to repress all your emotions. I'm afriad that one day he's just going to snap and actually kill someone. He used to be really sweet and respectful and he seemed happy, he told me some about his past and I thought it was good because it seemed like he was determined to not make the same mistakes with his kids as his father did with him, and through his run-ins with the law he'd finally learned his lesson. Now I fear that it was all an act, that the only thing he's learned is how to hide how emotionally unstable and tortured he is. The stuff he says now just sounds crazy.

I know he needs to talk to a therapist or something. When I suggested it back when we were together he said that he'd been to one before and it didn't work for him so he didn't want to waste his money, but I think that maybe he just didn't give it a chance or he had the wrong one.

I don't know how to convince him that he needs help and if he doesn't get it he may be headed for disaster. Maybe I can't convince him and there's nothing more that i can do for him, but any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[MerryH]

Maybe I can't convince him and there's nothing more that i can do for him

Yeah, this is most likely the case. I guess it's kind of like how rehab won't work for junkies unless they actually want to get clean. The beauty of having an ex-boyfriend is that you no longer have to deal with their issues. It's sweet that you still care about his well-being, but it's not your responsibility to help him be a better person. I think the absolute most you could/should do is maybe write him a letter saying that you think he needs help, but it's really probably better if you stay out of his personal life.

[cohen_girl]

Yeah, you probably have a point. I think part of the promlem is his "personal life" is being shut away from any sort of support system. He stays in and plays videogames because of his "need to kill" and all of his friends (are on xbox) are bitter and angry too, they spend time cursing at each other for hours and implie that one another are gay and about once a week he goes out to dinner with the father that used to mericilessly beat him all throughout his childhood and adolecense (his father stopped hitting him when he was around 19, and now tries to make up for it by buying him dinner). He only does so not because he forgives his father or wants a relationship with him, but because if he does so he gets to stay on the will, and he believes he is entitled to that inheritence for his torturous upbringing. I look at his life and just feel so horrible. It's not that I'm trying to get him back or meddle, but they way he is now and the things he says are either extremely depressive or make it sound like he will someday become a killer. I know that therapy won't work if he's not dedicated to change, so there's only so much I can do for him. He still talks to me (despite the fact that I dumped him), I just don't know how to get him to realize that there's help out there for him if only he would accept it. I decided a few days ago not to contact him and get my thoughts together as to what to say to him, try and make one last attempt to get him to seek help, and then if he still doesn't see I will know there's nothing more I can do and just walk away. I hate to feel like I'm abandoning him, but I can't dedicate my time to worrying about someone that doesn't want my help.

[s3r10u5am]

He doesn't seem to want your help. he's given up. And maybe you're right, he didn't go to a shrink or not the right one anyway. Just be more encouraging when you talk, try and get him to socialize more, the games are making him violent. I like videogames a lot and I could easily play for hours on end. But I do know that there's a limit to those things and I try to balance my life and go out and meet people and not let that stuff get to me. And I've played with so many guys online full of rage and it was freaky.

He needs to be able to talk to someone, find a way to express all that anger. Is there any chance he would want to take up boxing or drumming? I myself am a drummer, and I volunteer on weekends to give lessons at a local hospital, they teach people drums there as a way to get rid of stress. Hitting a punching bag or something will also get that stress out in a way. Though he'd have to couple it with talking to someone that's a professional or someone he trusts and can open up to and let out what he feels. Though obviously a professional tends to give more sound advice. Sometimes no matter how much people change, the past keeps coming back at them and there's nothing you can do about it. Just haunts them.

Find him a free therapist if possible, or he can go online, there's a website called justanswer.com and you can talk to a professional from any field at a price. He doesn't have to go somewhere and sit in a chair that makes him uncomfortable, just post on that site and someone that feels that they can help him will write back. Well I used the site once before and got some good advice from a therapist. I think I paid 20$ but it depends on stuff.