I need honest opinions

[Glarey]

I put this in the male advice forum, but no one is answering. So, perhaps ya'll can help!

This is my first time to post. I just need some advice. I'll try to make it as short as possible and just relay the facts.

I was with a man for 3 years. We got engaged. We broke up two and a half years ago. We spent the last 2 and a half years trying to figure out how to treat each other. We stayed in contact most of that time. Which was torture. About a year ago, I decided out weird relationship needed to stop. We need to mature and have a normal friendship and not fight like we were. We didn't speak for about 6 mths(my choice) after that we become good friends. We've been friends ever since. Only talking on friend terms. I've done my best not to be emotional or romantic.

We have talked about still being attracted to each other, etc. However, our friendship has had weird spurts. This time, mostly on his part. About two weeks ago he started to ignore me. He didn't answer my texts or calls. (we normally talk 4 times a week) I finally said it hurt my feelings that he was ignoring me, because I knew him well enough to know that's what he was doing. I didn't appreciate it, and friends don't do that to friends.

He told me that he was sorry he hurt my feelings, I just had understand what would happen if we got really close again. I was dumb founded. First off, where the hell did that come from? And secondly, we have been close for a while. He said I'd flip out on him like I have in the past and would fall in love with him again.

What he doesn't know is that I've loved him this whole time. I just decided a friendship was what I wanted, and pushed the feelings aside. So, I was really concerned about where this was coming from. I asked him when he was gonna give me slack for all the BS from the past. He said "You don't get over shell shock in a month" That was a curious statement. First off, that denotes a MAJOR hurt. Which I haven't hurt him in WELL over a year. Not on that scale. Minor misunderstandings, but nothing major.

My thoughts? He was feeling something again for me. He sees the change in me and is super scared that he'd want me again. I know I hurt him REALLY badly when we were together...but I haven't done anything in a long time, on purpose. I've watched myself and made sure I've been kind, compassionate and mature.

He says he wants to be my friend. He says he WANTS to talk to me...but doesn't want us to get too close? What is that? I'm very confused. Can a male give me an idea of what this means? (Keep in mind....we live in different states now...so sex is out of the question.)

[RockNRoll]

It seems like you have a really complicated history and it makes difficult for anyone else to understand what is going on. I do feel for you, so I'll try to give some ideas. Sorry if I am wrong.

You never really moved on, did you? He might feel it. You have been talking every other day, you say you became really close again and attracted to each other. It is not just friendship. Maybe he realised it and ignored you to stop it developing into a romance? He might want to be your friend, but is trying to set boundaries. I would say that you move from one extreme (6 month no contact) to another (talking every day and being close).

If you can overcome your romantic feeling to him and really want to be only a friend without any hopes and hints for a romance, then I would advice find a balance in how much you talk and how close you are. Or you could have one tough talk about getting together again, because it seems like an underlying question. Is any of you dating someone at the moment, by the way? And you either do try to be a couple again or decide once and for all to be just friends and act that way.

[carl1222]

RockNRoll is spot on except that I'm not so sure (with all your history) that it is possible to "decide once and for all to be just friends." As long as you still have strong feelings for the guy, it will continue to affect the friendship in a very negative way and you will always have these conflicts.

For whatever reason (you don't really talk about it much in your post), he does not want to get back together as a romantic couple. You, on the other hand, are settling for a friendship when you want more. One-sided romantic relationships NEVER work as friendships.

Time to move on.

Carl.

[sweetkissesforu]

It seems like you have a really complicated history and it makes difficult for anyone else to understand what is going on. I do feel for you, so I'll try to give some ideas. Sorry if I am wrong.

You never really moved on, did you? He might feel it. You have been talking every other day, you say you became really close again and attracted to each other. It is not just friendship. Maybe he realised it and ignored you to stop it developing into a romance? He might want to be your friend, but is trying to set boundaries. I would say that you move from one extreme (6 month no contact) to another (talking every day and being close).

If you can overcome your romantic feeling to him and really want to be only a friend without any hopes and hints for a romance, then I would advice find a balance in how much you talk and how close you are. Or you could have one tough talk about getting together again, because it seems like an underlying question. Is any of you dating someone at the moment, by the way? And you either do try to be a couple again or decide once and for all to be just friends and act that way.

I agree could not have said it better

[DearDorthy]

Why may I ask did things end in the first place? You were not treating eachother well ?

[xxazurexx]

I can't understand why he'd not want to get involved again and is trying not to get involved?

Was it a bad break up? How were things when you two were a couple?

[Glarey]

Why may I ask did things end in the first place? You were not treating eachother well ?

We ended things because we were young and fought a lot. I was super insecure and would pick fights alot. We were engaged and broke that off. Well, he told me when we first met(we were friends first) that he never wanted to get married. So, the fact that he proposed to me..and had every intention of marrying me...was kind of a big deal. I think he's scared of putting himself in a situation where I could, potentially "crush" him again.

I can't understand why he'd not want to get involved again and is trying not to get involved?

Was it a bad break up? How were things when you two were a couple?

Things were excellent until after we got engaged. We had a great relationship. We were, essentially, best friends who happened to be in love too. It's like after we got engaged...everything changed and got weird. It sort of just crumbled after that. I was 17 when we got together.....that's very young to have such a serious relationship. I wasn't mature enough for what we had. However, now I'm just shy of 23...and well, I'm a totally different person. So, it's kind of a weird situation.