I need help winning my ex-fiance' back from her current bf a year later!!

[DBatista9]

Ok, here it goes....About 3 years ago, at age 26, around 12/07...I met a gorgeous, bright, intelligent, fun-loving girl at work. A few weeks later we really hit it off at our company's annual exclusive Holiday party and we started dating exclusively. I cant describe how strong the feelings were for the both of us, but we just clicked and met each other at vulnerable times in each other's lives . This girl that I met was definitly THE ONE. We both FELT it. Our love was unique and unparalleled and was something that I'll dare to say for the both of us would never be duplicated again either w/ past relationships or even future relationships! We had several ups & and very little downs for the 1st 6-8 months of our relationship. I guess you would call it the "Honeymoon period" as a lot of relationships start of as. This brought us into the fall of '08 and suddenly I noticed she started getting a little more vocal and demanding about the fact that she wants a real committment and wants to start planning a future w/ me etc and then a few weeks later as the Holidays were approaching she pretty much told me for her X-mas present, she wants me to buy her an engagement ring! Keep in mind I had been only w/ her at that point for about 8 -9 months and most guys in that situation would've probably saw a big red flag when a girl starts getting demanding and starts asking for a ring in less than a year of dating them!! Despite that fact, I was really in love w/ this girl and started looking around for affordable rings and even let her take me to show me what she likes! ...I finally found a relatively affordable ring that she would probably like. Keep in mind this was about the second week in December, when suddenly she calls me up all excited and says she just came home from her local jewelry store and said she saw the ring of her dreams!! and that NO other ring would be the same as the one she saw and that she just had to have that ONE! I tried to return the ring I had bought and found out that they didnt accept returns and I knew I couldn't give her that one knwoing that there's another one she wants instead. The next day I went to the jewelry store and looked at the ring. I then tried to work out a payment plan for it and they couldn't work w/ me and said it has to be paid almost in full at the time of purchase which I was no where close to being even able to consider. I then talked to her and tried to be as straight forward and blunt as possible and told her that she needs to recalibrate her ring expectations for this X-mas b/c what she wants is very expensive and then all hell broke loose b/ween us....We nearly broke up because of it and it definitly spoiled our holidays . I was very surprised at her reaction and how non-understanding she was about money being a huge factor into this. Maybe the different backgrounds that we were brought up in have a lot to do her perspective. She comes from a very "priviledged upper-class" background and Im from an average blue-collar, nothing fancy kind of background.
We managed to get through the holidays and remain together, which brought us into January, when one day my phone rings and it's her mother. She said that she spoke w/ the jeweler that had the ring and she was willing to suddenly significantly drop the price and that she herself would chip in if money was a big issue and that I could pay for X amount and she would pay for X amount and that the important thing was for her daughter to get what she wanted, which was the exact ring she saw! I sensed a bit of urgency and demand in her statements as well as if to say, u have no excuse now to not buy this ring for my daughter!! Deep down I was pretty torn and need a day or so to think it over, because something just didn't seem right about this and I was wondering to myself.."Why are they being so pushy about this?" I loved her daughter very much and could def see myself getting married to her, but however, the time just didnt feel right and I wasn't in the quite to right place in my life at that point to so do, so I was very confused as to what to do. It was almost as if her mother was saying to me if you dont buy the ring in the next few weeks and if you don't pop the question to my daughter soon, that she would pull her away to break us up for good! Sounds kind of ridiculous, but her mother still has a lot of control over her daughter and her decisions and seems to have the power to get her daughter to turn on me if she had to. Her mom then resorted to another trick up her sleeve and tried to use psychological warfare to get me to feel "guilty" and how I was in the wrong for not proposing to her daughter already. It did seemingly work at the time though, b/c I reluctantly agreed to allow her to chip in for that ring so that her daughter could get it by Valentine's Day. Deep down however, something still didnt feel right about this and it felt too soon and that the timing wasn't right. Despite that and the reservations I had, I went ahead and went through w/ the proposal on Valentine's Day like was planned. I gave her one of the most unbelievable proposals that I could think of, like a scene out of a romance movie..... I picked her up, took her out to a nice dinner at a fancy Italian Restaurant on a nice Pier overlooking a world famous river and after dinner took her for a walk on the pier at night and after some casual conversation, then dropped to a knee and gave her the ring! I saw the joy light up on her face and she must've said yes about 20 times! We were engaged....But the best was still yet to come. I got us a room for the night across the river at a nice hotel we had been to before that was becoming our special place and I even took off from work the day before to decorate the room w/ balloons & flowers & rose pedals and even some little girl toys, as recommended by her mother, like a Cinderella Castle etc. I even spoke w/ the owner of that hotel. He even let me have an upgrade to the Presidential Suite for a regular room rate! I gave her a night she'll never EVER forget. I'd love to hear how her new BF plans to top that for her!! Anyways, it seemed we were on the same page w/ the wedding timing being at least a year or two but apparently we weren't because a about a month later we start going around and looking at wedding venues and her questions that were asked to the wedding planners were as if she was planning the wedding for that year, that summer of 09..So after weeks of going back and forth, she then got her parents involved again to almost strong arm me into doing the wedding that year! They even agreed to pay for most of the wedding and even a house for us, just as long as we get married asap! Again my gut feeling came back to me from a few months earlier..."Why were they being so pushy about their daughter being married??"" "Why dont they respect my take on this...afterall...it's my life too?!?!?!" Since this was strarting to get ridiculous that her parents have to stick their beaks into everything about this and aren't letting the both of us come up w/ our own decisions, I then tried to reason w/ her and said "let's talk this over just us two in person"....she then responds, "No....you come over and talk to me and my family again!!" This time I was at least going to bring an alibi that shared my point of view, so I brought my own mother, since she wants to get parents involved in this now....The next day we go over and I could sense unsincere welcome at the start from her and her mom towards me and my mom. I could just feel something not being right and the tension was there......Me and my mother pretty much spelled out to them they both were being very pushy about this and then all hell broke loose!! Her mother went on a verbal tirade and said some shocking, unclassful things towards me and my mother. She just exploded and out of respect to her and her house, I left and did not shout back at her in retaliation for the disgusting things she was saying! Her mother went as far as to even call me a "Piece of S**T"! All b/c I voiced to her how I felt about the situation and was being honest......She even said that they were dishonored in their home by us!! It was as if they thought they were a step above us in their own minds! Her mother then attempts to give me an apology on my voicemail a few days later, but I can tell it wasnt sincere.
I was very conflicted, but ultimately I chose not to return the mother's phone call b/c of the state of mind I was still in that week in the aftermath of what she said. I was still furious and would've exploded in response to the things she said....however, like I said, a sincere apology from my fiance' would've made me drop the issue at the time and resolve this as best we could. It would've shown that they have some sort of respect for me and my family at least. The apology never came! In fact we went weeks w/out even speaking to each other...I wanted an apology from her all that time and she wanted one from me 1st! It was a case of 2 stubborn people butting heads and waiting for the other one to make the 1st move. During that time, my birthday came and as a test, I wanted to see if she would at least contact me to say Happy BDay regardless of what was happening b/ween us. She didnt even acknoledge or call at all for my BDay. I started getting the impressing that maybe her Mom was turning her daughter against me now. I tried to finally send an email expressing how I felt and that I would like to speak to her...Didn't get a response from that either....Finally she called we a couple weeks later on a Sunday and said for us to get together and talk. When I met up w/ her and finally spoke after about 6-7 weeks, that girl was not the same girl that I had gotten engaged to and fell in love w/ the previous year. Instead of the bright, sharp, fun-loving girl i had fell in love w/, she was very snippy, nasty, disrespectful, not interested in hearing my point of view or what i had to say at all. Seemed like a different girl that was brainwashed by her Mom for the last few weeks and her Mom probably came up w/ so many reasons how this is ALL me and my family's fault, etc. That was one of the last times I saw or spoke to her.
Maybe about a couple months later, I hear that she started dating somebody around late summer '09, a cousin of a co-worker of hers. It seems that she was so upset that her co-worker fixed her up w/ her cousin to help get her mind off me since she was on the rebound. me on the other hand, I took some valuable time to myself and tried to work on me before I thought about dating someone else again. I mostly tried to work on my financial problems and my confidence, which just took a hard hit just a few months earlier. However, I heard about her dating this new person and it just enraged me!! I wanted to bump into these two together one night and knock this guy out cold right in front of her, that's how furious I was.... How could she find a replacement for me so relatively quickly?? and Did I drive this girl straight into this guys arms?? Is the only reason this guy had a chance w/ my ex-fiance is b/c things didnt work out w/ us to begin w/?? To enrage me more, I hear this guy is pre-med, meaning he will eventually be a Dr. and probably be making some good $$. I guess how convenient for her and her family!!! I guess the money situation w/ me was too much of a gamble b/c there were a lot of question marks....But w/ Mr. Pre-Med it is a virtual sure thing that he will have some good $$ in the near future. I felt a bit hurt & betrayed after finding that fact out to be truthful w/ you. After finding that out, and after a last attempt at sending a nice bouquet of Autumn colored flowers for her and even an Im sorry note attached w/ it forher BDay in Sept. and no response back at all, not even a negative one(again probably her Mom's doing)....
I finally took my friends advice to try to forget her and move on once and for all and start getting in the dating mix again. So I have tried to forget about her and I briefly dated a couple girls over the last year, but nothing very serious and I find myself comparing each person I'm w/ to my ex-fiancee' seeing how they measure up and in what ways do they exceed her, etc. It seems no matter what, underneath it all, after everything and all the negative feedback i've gotten from her over the last year since we broke up, and the things her Mother did & said and her interference w/ our relationship and all & that I still love this girl and KNOWS there's a chance to patch things up w/ her and WIN her back and get things back to the way they were when we were at our peak! I still feel passion and fire for her a year later and I need to know how to get her back from this other relationship she's developed w/ this M.D. to be! I can't let this guy win! I'm a very competitive person by nature so that probably has a lot to do why I'm viewing this as a challenge, but bottom line is He has what was once mine and I want her back! Sometimes you dont realize what you have untill it's gone! Love is really worth fighting for and in this case, I have no choice!! I'm about to loose her forever if I don't act now! The question is....after knowing the history and the facts of the situation, where do I start in trying to get her back?? I havent had a conversation w/ he for over a year and I have been getting nothing but a cold shut out from her in the last year since we split up.....If I cant get her back, at the very least I want proper closure and to be able to be civil w/ her and part as friends...Can that even be possible at this point?? What I really need to know is...IS THERE ANY CHANCE TO PATCH THIS UP EVEN AFTER ALL THIS TIME AND EVEN IF SHE'S BEEN DATING SOMEONE ELSE FOR THE LAST YEAR??? IF SO.....WHERE DO I START????? HOW DO I IT?? I'VE PRETTY MUCH LOST CONTACT W/ HER AT THIS POINT....She is no longer w/ the same company anymore.....All i have is an old phone number, email address that I'm gonna assume that she still has, but if she doesn't, then all I got is her old house address which I'm gonna assume she still lives at.... Please help.....I Need to get my past love back or esle I'll regret it for the rest of my life! I know the deck seemed stacked against me, but somehow I feel I can overcome these odds. I know there's a way to get through to her....it's just a question of HOW????????????? Thanks

[girl68]

no way I'm reading that. break it up and maybe shorten it a bit.

[DBatista9]

Ok.....GOOD POINT.....HERE IS THE MODIFIED SHORT VERSION::

1)I FELL IN LOVE W/ A GREAT GIRL THAT I WORKED W/ ABOUT 3 YEARS AGO AND ALL WAS GREAT THE 1ST 6-8 MONTHS W/ PLENTY OF UPS AND VERY FEW DOWNS. THE "HONEYMOON" PERIOD. OUR LOVE WAS UNIQUE AND UNPARALLELED!

2) AFTER ABOUT THE 8 MONTH MARK, SHE BECAME MORE VOCAL AND DEMANDING ABOUT WANTING A BIGGER COMMITTMENT AND PLANNING A FUTURE, ETC... AS THE HOLIDAYS FAST APPROACHED SHE EVEN TOLD ME SHE EXPECTED AN ENGAGEMENT RING FROM ME FOR X-MAS AND EVEN TOOK ME OUT W/ HER TO SHOW ME WHAT SHE LIKED. EVERYTHING WAS VERY PRICEY FOR A GUY THAT JUST SWITCHED CAREERS DUE TO THE BAD HOUSING MARKET & ECONOMY AND MY CURRENT NEW JOB'S PAY WAS VERY MODEST TO SAY THE LEAST. SHE DIDNT CARE AND JUST WANTED A NICE RING!! I ALSO STARTED NOTICING HER MOTHER GETTING VERY INVOLVED AND STICKING HER BEAK MORE AND MORE INTO HER DAUGHTER'S AFFAIRS AND SHE EVEN PULLED ME ASIDE A FEW TIMES TO FLAT OUT ASK WHEN I WAS READY TO PROPOSE TO HER DAUGHTER!! SHOULD'VE BEEN A BIG RED FLAG RIGHT THERE, BUT I LOVED HER DAUGHTER VERY DEEPLY AND TRIED TO FIGURE OUT THE QUICKEST WAY TO GET A RING DESPITE THE MONEY PROBLEMS I WAS GOING THROUGH!

3) ENDED UP BUYING THE EXACT RING SHE WANTED AFTER A LITTLE HELP FROM HER MOTHER, WHO PITCHED IN xx AMOUNT SO I COULD BUY THE EXACT RING HER DAUGHTER WANTED. I THOUGHT THE MOTHER WAS STARTING TO GET VERY VERY PUSHY ABOUT THE SITUATION AND SOMETHING DEEP DOWN DID NOT FEEL RIGHT....BUT I STILL GOT THE RING AND PROPOSED TO HER ON VALENTINE'S DAY '09 AND GAVE HER A NIGHT SHE WILL NEVER EVER FORGET! NICE DINNER AT A 5 STAR ITALIAN RESTAURANT ON THE WATER W/ A GREAT VIEW...A WALK ON THE PIER OVER LOOKING THE WATER AT NIGHT...THEN I DROPED TO A KNEE AND GAVE HER THE RING AND SHE SAID YES ABOUT 20 TIMES AND WAS SO EXCITED! AFTERWARDS I EVEN HAD A ROOM SET ASIDE FOR US THAT WAS DECORATED W/ FLOWERS, ROSE PEDALS, BALLOONS AND EVEN LITTLE GIRL TOYS AS SUGGEST FROM HER MOM, WHO ONCE AGAIN HAD TO GET INVOLVED W/ "MY PROPOSAL" TO "HER DAUGHTER". I EVEN SPOKE W/ THE OWNER OF THE HOTEL EARLIER THAT WEEK AND TOLD HIM I PLAN TO PROPOSE AND HE EVEN HAD OUR ROOM UPGRADED TO THE EXPENSIVE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE W/ A GREAT VIEW OF THE RIVER! LIKE, I SAID, I GAVE HER A NIGHT SHE'LL NEVER FORGET, NO MATTER WHO SHE ENDS UP W/! I'D LOVE TO SEE HER CURRENT BF TRY TO TOP THAT!! SO WE WERE ENGAGED AFTER ABOUT 13 MONTHS OF DATING...APPARENTLY THE MOTHER DOESN'T BELIEVE IN DATING FOR MORE THAN A YEAR W/OUT SOMEBODY PROPOSING TO HER DAUGHTER PRIOR TO THE 1 YEAR MARK! SO MY PROPOSAL AS GREAT AS IT WAS....WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH B/C IT WASN'T PRIOR TO THE 1 YEAR MARK!!

4)FOR SEVERAL WEEKS AFTER THE ENGAGEMENT, WE WERE BOTH RIDING ON A HIGH AND SEEMINGLY ON THE SAME PAGE IN TERMS OF THE TIMING OF THE WEDDING, WHICH WAS SUPPOSSED TO BE AT LEAST 1 YEAR AND A HALF TO 2 YEARS TO HAVE AN ADEQUATE ENOUGH TIME TO SAVE MONEY, WORK A SECOND JOB EVEN TO MAKE MORE MONEY AND TRY TO FAST TRACK MY CURRENT CAREER TO GET PROMOTED FASTER & FIX MY CREDIT ETC...I HAD SOME FINANCIAL HOLES I NEEDED TO DIG OUT OF BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED. THE QUICKER WE CHOSE TO GET MARRIED, THE MORE DIFFICULT IT WOULD'VE BEEN FOR ME TO CLIMB OUT OF MY DEBTS. THEY DIDNT CARE ABOUT THAT FACT. ALL THEY CARED ABOUT WAS HAVING A WEDDING ASAP, WHICH WAS AS SOON AS SUMMER '09, W/IN 6 MONTHS! NO REGARDS FOR HOW I FELT OR MY STANCE ON THE SITUATION. THE PARENTS AGAIN EVEN STEPPED IN AGAIN AND AGREED TO PAY FOR MOST OF THE WEDDING COSTS INCLUDING A HOUSE FOR US AFTERWARDS.. NOW, I'VE NEVER ACCEPTED HANDOUTS AT ALL IN MY LIFE AND SOMETHING THIS BIG DOES NOT COME W/OUT SOME KIND OF CATCH TO IT. I APPRECIATED THE OFFER AND SAID I CANT LET HER FAMILY PAY FOR EVERYTHING AND THAT I, MYSELF, AFTER MONTHS OF HARD WORK SAVING MONEY, AND MY FAMILY AS WELL, WHO WEREN'T IN GREAT FINANCIAL SHAPE AT THE TIME EITHER, WE WOULD BOTH PITCH IN ABOUT 50& OF THE COSTS THIS WAY IT EVENS OUT! A LOT PROBABLY HAD TO DO W/ THE DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS WE BOTH CAME FROM. SHE CAME FROM AN UPSCALE "PRIVILEDGED" BACKGROUND AND I CAME FROM A MODEST, HARD-NOSED, BLUE COLLAR BACKGROUND WHERE YOU WORK FOR WHAT U WANT IN LIFE AND DON'T EXPECT HANDOUTS! SHE WAS ALSO AN ONLY CHILD AND HER FAMILY OBVIOUSLY GAVE HER EVERYTHING SHE EVER WANTED AS LONG AS SHE ASKED! LET'S SAY THAT SHE AND HER FAMILY ARE NOT USED TO NOT GETTING WHAT THEY WANT! CONROL FREAKS! I, ON THE OTHER HAND, ALWAYS STRIVE TO GET WHAT I WANT, BUT CAN DEAL AND 'COMPRISE' WHEN THINGS DONT TURN OUT THE EXACT WAY I WANTED THEM. I'M A LOT MORE FLEXIBLE! THEY WANTED TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING TO JUST BE ABLE TO SAY THAT THEY HAVE CONTROL OVER US. THE MOTHER HAD COMPLETE CONTROL OVER HER DAUGHTER'S LIFE AND WAS TRYING TO DO THE SAME TO ME AS WELL AND I WAS BEING RESILIENT TO HER SINCE I AM MY OWN PERSON. THEY DIDNT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THAT! SO AFTER WEEKS OF GOING BACK AND FORTH ABOUT THE DATE OF THE WEDDING AND SHE EVEN TRIED TO STRONGARM ME BY HAVING HER AND HER PARENTS SIT AND SPEAK TO ME AND TRY TO MANIPULATE ME INTO AGREEING TO WHAT THEY WANTED, I STILL REFUSED B/C NOW IT WAS STARTING TO GET FRUSTRATING THAT HER PARENTS HAVE TO BE INVOLVED IN EVERY LITTLE DETAIL ABOUT OUR WEDDING & LIVES IN GENERAL! WE HAD A HUGE BLOWOUT ONE SUNDAY IN MAY AT THEIR HOUSE WHERE ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE B/C I FLAT OUT TOLD HER AND HER MOM THAT I DIDNT APPRECIATE HOW PUSHY THEY WERE BEING ABOUT THIS AND THAT IT WAS BECOMING VERY STRESSFUL B/C THEY WANTED TO HAVE THIS DONE SO SOON! I DIDNT SAY THAT I DIDNT WANT TO DO THIS AT ALL, JUST NOT W/IN THE NEXT 2 MONTHS AND PREFERABLY NEXT SUMMER 2010, WHICH WAS ONLY A YEAR AWAY! THEY TOOK THAT AS A SIGN OF DISHONOR AND DISRESPECT IN THEIR HOME AND HER MOTHER STARTED SHOUTING OBSCENITIES TO ME ! SHE COMPLETELY EXPLODED AND BECAME A LUNATIC! I WAS SHOCKED AT THE DEGRADING THINGS THAT CAME OUT OF HER MOUTH! REGARDLESS, IN STEAD OF EXPLODING RIGHT BACK AT HER AND MATCHING INSULTS TO HER, I SHOWED A LITTLE MORE CLASS AND OUT OF RESPECT TO MY "MOTHERINLAW" TO BE AND HER HOUSE, I LEFT AND DID NOT SAY ANYTHING IN RETALIATION! WE DID NOT SPEAK FOR SEVERAL WEEKS AFTERWARDS AND THAT SEEMED TO BE THE BEGINNING OF THE END FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP. I STRONGLY FELT I WAS OWED A HUGE APOLOGY BUT NOT FROM THE MOTHER SO MUCH, BUT FROM MY FIANCE' FOR LETTING HER MOTHER SPEAK TO ME THE WAY SHE DID W/ NO RESPECT AT ALL! IT WOULD'VE SHOWED THAT AT LEAST MY FIANCEE' HAD SOME TYPE OF RESPECT FOR ME AND SHE WOULD STICK UP FOR ME EVEN TO HER OWN MOTHER! THE APOLOGY NEVER CAME. ALL THAT CAME WAS AN UNSINCERE APOLOOGY ON MY VOICEMAIL A FEW DAYS LATER BY THE MOTHER WHO DIDNT SEEM TO BE SORRY ABOUT WHAT WAS SAID, JUST WAS SORRY IT CAME OUT THEN AND THERE B/C NOW IT WILL DELAY THE WEDDING PLANNING PROCESS TO STRAIGHTEN THIS OUT. AGAIN, ALL ABOUT THEMSELVES! AFTER ABOUT 6-7 WEEKS, WE FINALLY AGREED TO GET TOGETHER AND TALK, JUST ME AND MY FIANCEE BUT SHE HAD A VERY BAD ATTITUDE AND WASN'T HEARING MY POINT OF VIEW OF THINGS AND THOUGHT HER AND HER FAMILY WERE 100% ON EVERYTHING AND WE WERE 100% WRONG ON WHAT HAPPENED AND THAT I SHOULD'VE CHASED AFTER HER AND APOLOGIZED!! SEEMS SHE HAD BEEN TOTALLED BRAINWASHED BY HER MOTHER AND HER MOTHER TOLD HER THINGS ABOUT ME SO SAVE FACE W/ HER DAUGHTER AND MAKE ME OUT TO BE THE BAD GUY! OUR RELATIONSHIP ENEDED THAT ONE WEEKEND IN THE SUMMER IN THE PARK W/ HER DRIVING OFF AND UPSET AGAIN, NOW THAT I DIDNT RETURN HER MOTHER'S PHONE CALL AFTERWARDS AND THAT IT SHOWED THAT I DIDNT CARE ABOUT HER. IT WASN'T PROPER CLOSURE TO THE SITUATION AT ALL!

5)IT WAS A BIT CRUSHING, BUT I STARTED TRYING TO MOVE ON WHEN A FEW WEEKS LATER TOWARDS THE END OF THE SUMMER I NOW HEAR THAT SHE HAS STARTED DATING SOMEBODY ELSE, A COUSIN OF A COWORKER. IT SEEMS SHE WAS SO UPSET AFTER OUR "BREAK-UP", THAT HER COWORKER FIXED HER UP W/ HER COUSIN TO HELP HER TAKE HER MIND OFF ME AND I'M SURE THE COWORKER TOLD THE COUSIN THAT SHE WAS ON THE REBOUND, SO HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THAT AND SLIPPED INTO HER LIFE JUST AT THE RIGHT TIME. I HEARD THIS, AND I BECAME ENRAGED AND FURIOUS AND PROBABLY WOULD'VE WALKED UP TO THIS GUY AND KNOCKED HIM OUT COLD RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER IF I EVER SAW THEM TOGETHER AT THE TIME! THE FEELINGS FOR HER WERE STRONGER THAN I EVEN KNEW AT THE TIME I DATED HER. I MADE ONE LAST ATTEMPT AT SENDING HER FLOWERS DELIVERED TO HER WORK W/ BEAUTIFUL AUTUMN COLORS W/ AN IM SORRY NOTE TO SEE HOW SHE WOULD RESPOND. I GOT ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSE AT ALL, NOT EVEN A NEGATIVE ONE TO TELL ME TO NOT SEND HER FLOWERS OR TO TAKE THEM BACK! ALL I HEARD FROM THE FLOWER SHOP THAT DELIVERED IT, WAS THAT HER MOTHER HAD CALLED THEM TELLING THEM TO TAKE THE FLOWERS BACK, BUT WHEN THEY TRIED TO COME BACK, THE FLOWERS WERENT THERE ANYMORE. VERY STRANGE! AFTER GETTING NO FEEDBACK, I STARTED MOVING ON AND GOT BACK IN THE DATING SCENE....

I HAVE DATED 2 DIFFERENT GIRLS OVER THE LAST YEAR, BUT REALLY NOTHING TOO SERIOUS...MORE OF A GOOD FRIENDS W/ BENEFITS TYPE OF ARRANGEMENT, BUT DEEP DOWN THERE ARE STILL STRONG FEELINGS STILL BURNING FOR MY EX AND A FEW MONTHS AGO, I HEAR THAT SHE GOT FIRED FROM OUR COMPANY AND MY FEELINGS AGAIN RESURFACED! I NOW REALIZED THAT ANY RECONCILATION EVER W/ HER WOULD BE EXTREMELY TOUGHER NOW THAN EVER B/C I DONT HAVE A WAY TO REALLY CONTACT HER NOW, UNLESS I GO TO HER LAST KNOWN ADDRESS AND TRY TO SPEAK TO HER OR I TRY TO WRITE A LETTER OR EMAIL. SHE IS STILL W/ THE SAME GUY A YEAR LATER, IN FACT I FOUND OUT THAT HE IS PRE-MED.....HMMM...HOW CONVENIENT FOR HER AND HER FAMILY, MEANING HE WILL EVENTUALLY BE MAKING A GOOD AMOUNT OF $$$ WHERE ME ON THE OTHER HAND, IT WAS TOO MUCH OF A GAMBLE W/ ME FINANCIALLY SINCE I HAD A LOT OF QUESTION MARKS TO MY FINANCES AT THE TIME! I FELT SO BETRAYED WHEN I FOUND THAT OUT AND ENRAGED BEING THAT SHE TOLD ME SEVERAL TIMES DURING OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT MONEY DOESNT REALLY MATTER AND THAT SHE KNOWS I WILL BE SUCCESSFULL ONE DAY AND OUR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER CAN OVERSHADOW IT ALL....IT SEEMS SHE IS PROVEN TO BE A LITTLE HYPOCRITICAL NOW! NOW, I'M FINNALLY GETTING ON THE RIGHT TRACK NOW, BUT IT'S GONNA TAKE MORE TIME TO FIX THE DEBTS THAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CLIMB OUT OF FOR YEARS....IM STARTING TO REACH A LEVEL OF SUCCESS IN MY OWN RIGHT AT WORK AND EVEN HAVE BEEN GETTING VERY ATTRACTIVE JOBS OVERS IN WORST CASE THAT IT DOESN'T WORK OUT W/ MY CURRENT JOB W/ BETTER PAY.....HOWEVER, IT WILL NOT QUITE BE M.D. PAY, BUT RESPECTABLE IN ITS OWN RIGHT! I'M A VERY COMPETITVE PERSON BY NATURE AND I NOW SEE THIS AS A PERSONAL CHALLENGE IN WINNING MY EX BACK FROM HER CURRENT A YEAR LATER....HOW DO I DO IT??? WHERE DO I START??? I CANT LET THIS GUY WIN ! IF I DON'T ACT NOW, I'M GOING TO RISK LOOSING HER FOREVER!! PLEASE HELP.....I KNOW IT'S AN UPHILL CLIMB, BUT I'M READY TO TAKE ON THAT CHALLENGE AND IF I CAN GET HER TO LISTEN TO REASON, I THINK I CAN GET THROUGH TO HER. I HAVE TO KNOW IF SHE STILL HAVE SOME HIDDEN FEELINGS FOR ME THE WAY I STILL DO FOR HER AFTER ALL THIS TIME! LOVE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR AND IN THIS CASE, I HAVE NO CHOICE!!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Beat up her current bf.

[Poetic_Partner]

Whoa - almost as long, AND NOW YOU'RE YELLING!

I'll comment on the title and leave it at that.

Unless the new bf is abusive, move on. If the new bf is abusive, talk to her but don't expect her to come back to you.

-PP

[girl68]

I don't understand why you want her back. Nothing has since changed. Her mother is and always will be THAT woman who is controlling and overbearing your ex will still is and always will be her little puppet. If you take her back you can expect everything to be the exact same. I know this because my friend is your ex. Comes from money, spoiled little brat and is controlled at every single little step along the way. If you couldn't get through it then... you won't get through it NOW.

Keep moving on.

[DBatista9]

I'll know how to play my cards this time around.....I'll know better how to tame the mother and keep her out of our business....There's more than one way to tame a lion! ;o) It is possible to turn the tables on someone that is manipulating and controling and actually not as complex as you would think.....All i know is that her feelings for me were real and so were mine and untill her mother's interference, there was no stopping us....I didnt know how to handle such a controlling mother then, but now I do.....I just know deep down that this relationship she's developed can't be as quality for her as mine was w/ her w/ the exception of the fact that this guy is pre-med and Im in Sales....A pretty shallow reason for her to be w/ this person, just for the money security....other than that....I can beat this guy! Like I said, I view this as a personal challenge that I'M not gonna LOSE!! You want something in life, you go back after it....Especially a past love! I just need to know where & how to start??? I can't afford to make the wrong choices, at least at first..... Should I try calling/e-mailing/ textting at first and go from there?? And if so, what should I say to even get a response since there's no guarantee that she'll even respond back

[girl68]

Sorry man but you sound like an idiot. I don't beleive for 1 second you know how to tame this lion. She has money, you got none when it's money vs. not chances are not good for you man. I have a very rich friend just like your ex. Guess what momma did? Paid my friends ex to dump her. It worked. Momma won't stop until daughter lives up to the very high, insanely high expectations and marrying below her isn't one of them. Not only is this an uphill battle should you proceed it will lead you to much hurt, confusion and frustration likely resulting in another loss.

And to sit around bragging about how fantasic your pressured proposal was is just pathetic. I'm sorry to say but Mr. moneyhead (her new bf) will almost certainly "top" you if he's got everything you say he's got. After a year, who the hell are you to judge how poor her relationship is. You just think your god's greatest gift to her or something? Feelings CAN develop, feelings CAN replace old feelings. Just saying you don't even know her anymore, she could be remarkably happy. (and her mother might be too)

Sorry man, but your posts come off as disrespectful. If you love her as much as you claim, let her be. You've done your grand gesture and she never came back.

I agree if you want something go after it but don't STEAL it away.

[DBatista9]

Let me ask you this, Girl68......How does passionately stating going after someone you once cared about very much, make me an idiot???? I'm sorry you feel that way, but money doesn't make this guy any better than me! It's not an idiotic outlook, it's a just a fact! He just strolled in this girl's life at the right time......Pretty shallow reason to want to stay w/ someone. And "Who the hell are you to judge how poor her relationship is??" .... I was her fiancee' at one point and I'll even dare say I know things about her that her current BF doesn't!! This guy is living in my shadow in regards to her.....it's a fact. She's trying to recreate w/ this person what she had w/ me, except I'm not quite sold that it's as good as she is making at to be. Like I said, i know her, she knows how to make things appear a certain way, but they really aren't as glamorous as they appear to be. And finally......."If you want something go after it but don't steal it away" need you forget she was mine 100% to begin w/ and the only reason this goon she's w/ now even had a remote chance w/ her is b/c he had a co-worker cousin in the know after our break up and fixed them up.....he would've never met this girl if wasn't for his cousin and probably wouldn't of even had to cajones to strike up a conversation w/ her originally b/c he looks like a real dork.... This girl was all mine to begin w/....Now I'm back to reclaim what was mine and he's not gonna stand in my way...... If it makes you feel better to tell me I can't do this and tell me I have no chance, then you obviously don't know me very well b/c if anything...that only fuels my fire. Anyone that has ever put a limitation on me and told me I can't do something, more times than not I've proven them wrong!! So....my question in COUNTER is this....Who the hell are YOU to tell me I can't pull this off?? You barely even know me...... Finally....how do my posts come off as disrespectful???? I'm just stating the facts & history of the relationship!

[girl68]

Oh dear, true colours shining through...

I didn't say he's better 'cause he's rich. I'm saying that relationship is better because mother approves of him (becasue he's rich) is that "right" not really but it is what it is.

He's lasted over a year, it sure doesn't sound like no shadow to me. You're totally high on yourself man. How the hell do you know that he's not a totally awesome, sweet, romantic, affectionate, funny guy (who just happens to be rich?) Also how are you so deeply involed in their relationship that you know things about her he doesn't? HMMM how do you know she hasn't shared these things with him?

Lastly, boy that girl was never 100% YOURS (as if she's property). She's obviously fine with her decision to have left you. I love the "RECLAIM WHAT'S MINE!" And I hate to fuel your fire or whateverthehellusay but ummm yeah I don't really give 4 shits if you go after her, I'm just saying your pride is about to drain and spew all over the streets fighting this one.

I will answer your question: your posts seemdisrespectful for one you're attempting to claim a woman as 100% yours (god, oh my.) and 2 you have absolute no respect for her decision. You already tried (remember the flowers?) and you failed to get her back. She's now in a monogomous long term relationship and you don't give a flying donkeys ass and are suggesting you try your luck as a homewrecker. That's why.

Oh, and you still didn't answer my question- how are you going to tame this mother-in-law-would-have-been?

I guess: GO FOR IT MAN! GOODLUCK (homewrecker.)

[DBatista9]

Look.....let's tone this down a notch here. I did not come on here to start verbally sparring w/ you. Believe me, if u want to play that way....Boy can I PLAY! I do not want to do that though. This started w/ you saying I'm an idiot when you don't even know me. I basically was pouring out a window into my past and something that still hits home w/ me and you make a mockery of it. Who's the one being disrespectful??? Firstly to rebutt some of your statements, saying that my true colours are starting to come through and all......Anybody that I ever really spoken to about this whole situation tells me I did very little wrong and that she and her family didn't really appreciate and respect my take on things and that as soon as I showed that i was not going to be an easy puppet material for them like their daughter was, they suddenly didnt approve of me. Like I said, absolute control freaks who do not let her daughter live her own life and have trained her to come to them about every little problem in her life instead of being an adult and trying to find the solution on her own based on their upbringing and values (of which I was starrting to question btw) Her mom is so into her business, it's just beyond pathetic, it's sad for a 27 year old girl to be a clone of her Mother b/c she trained her to be exactly that way. She & her Mom, btw, have very little respect for their father. I have seen it myself. He has very little say in alot of things in that house and I almost felt bad for him and there were times during our relationship that I pondered to myself...."Why are they so cruel to him and why is he shut out of their lives for the most part? & I hope to God this isn't going to be a preview of what life being married to her will be like in about 10-20 years from now!". They both have very little respect for any significant male figures in their lives is what I was starting to see! Also, which I found a little odd....There isn't much contact b/ween the father's side of the family w/ the Mother and I heard that they did not really like her once they got to really know her and found out what a conniving, manipulative woman she really was. Now, with that said and remembering the fact that the daughter has been almost brainwashed to be exactly like the mother, what makes you think that wasn't going to start happening towards me and my family in the near future???? It was already starting at the engagement stage and we weren't even married yet! Now I never claimed I was perfect.....I have made mistakes, I've f*cked up....but I acknowledge the mistake, learn from it and try not to do it again....They never even acknowledge a mistake and ,in their own minds, think their views and concepts are always correct and the rest of the world has to revolve around their views.....Come to think of it, any fight or quarrell that I had w/ my ex, prior to the big fight at the end of course, any fight we had....I had to be the one to apologize and swallow my pride, just to keep things moving along since she was so freaking stubborn to listen to my point of view! I guess that's probably one of the many reasons why she got FIRED from our company over the summer from what I hear. Let's just say she left behind a legacy at work, and it isn't a pretty one!! Very very stubborn on how her job should be done btw! Nobody really felt sorry for her for getting fired! I actually sensed a bit of rejoicement from former employees that worked for and w/ her!! And the consensus from them all came out to the same answer as to why they felt that way.....SHE HAD NO APPRECIATION OR RESPECT FOR THEM!
Now I agree w/ one thing you said, that Yes....he's better (for her daughter) in the Mom's eyes b/c he's going to be an M.D. making 6 figures for sure! That's probably what she's thinking and do you know what that's called....one of a worst deadliest sins that exist in this world, btw....GREED!!!! Another reason why he's "better" for her and has hung in there this year is b/c he has allowed himself to become the puppet for the mother that she was starving for. From what I hear, she is up to her old tricks once again, this time w/ him, but the difference is that he's seemingly allowing her to pull the strings behind the stage! I'm sure any fights or quarrels that have come up, they was there to help iron it out just as long as he cooperates w/ how she wants him to treat her daughter! I have my sources.

A couple of final points I'll make as well is that, yeah it may seem like she left me....but the fact is.....she left me only after I put my foot down to her Mom and her controlling behavior and after the weeks of no contact w/ her, and God knows what the Mother told her to turn her against me and to help her save face in front of her daughter! I proved to them, that I wasn't going to put up w/ the bullsh*t controlling behavior! It was only then....that she was talked into leaving (by her Mother of course). I made a huge point to her & her Mom prior to her driving away that day! So, in a lot of ways, I showed that I could walk away from them 1st! Also...I'm sorry if it seems like I consider her "property" w/ my previous statements. I did not mean for it to come out the way it sounded. I am very respectful & very good to any girl I've ever been w/. I go all out alot of times and try to make them feel as special as possible w/ where I take them out to, even if it was a little out of my price range...As long as they felt great & special at the end of the night, that's all that mattered to me. That is priceless. I understand emotion is far greater in value than the dollar! I also had respect for her decision to decide to remain idle and silent during all this time since I last sent flowers a year ago and what has it gotten me?? If anything it allowed her to grow more distant than ever from me. While I admit I waited a bit too long after the breakup to send flowers, which was my fault....however when she didnt respond, I shouldn't have stopped at that...I actually should turned it up and notch and really try to go after her. Who's to say that she wasn't testing me to see how easily I was going to give up and what lengths I would've went through at try to reconcile w/ her?? That probably was a test on her part. there's no way her feelings were extinguished that quickly after such a deep, close relationship for a year and a half w/ me! I should've been more persistent in going back after her

Finally, to answer your question, I plan on "taming" the lion several different ways....but to start out to sit down w/ the mother and have a genuine face to face talk and lay alot of cards on the table and apologize for my wrongdoings in the whole blowout that happened and why I didnt contact her back, why i didnt speak to her daughter for several weeks, etc....and then from there see what she says and if she has an apology for her wrongdoings as well....Also, if all goes well from there, express how much I cared for and still do care for her daughter and if she really is genuinely happy at the moment and also the differences in me now vs. a year and a half ago and what improvements I've made and what my goals are and how I'm going to reach them...etc.... That'll be a start and I'll see where that goes.

And btw the way there's a HUGE difference b/ween being a homewrecker and going after and FIGHTING for LOVE! I'm a fighter!! That's just how I am! I cant sit idlely by any more and watch this man move in on her any longer! Time to be a MAN and step to the plate and to stop being the NICE guy and "respecting" her decision.

[girl68]

I'll note a few things:
1) Girls that come from money come with a boatshit load of problems I know my friend comes and regularly shares the very same issues
2) You don't seem the least bit alaramed that your ex doesn't seem to give a flying rats ass and sided whole heartedly with her mother, girls that deep don't change- it's kinda stupid to even WANT her back after her spoiled rotten, disrespectful familyhood. And yes, that's what married life would look like if you marry her. See how she DID NOT change when shit hit the fan?
3) Mothers like her don't just chill out 'cause you talked to her. In fact, I think it will fuel her fire ESPECIALLY now that she's got a rich boy vying for her attention.
4) don't assume I agree with all this money over love shit because I don't I'm just saying that it doesn't change, people with money have different outlooks and given that she didn't change before your chances are hella slim they're gonna change now.
lastly: I don't think there's ANY difference between a homewrecker and whatever the hell you call it. You don't have a reason to believe she isn't happy with him.

Honestly, at the end whatever, you're gonna do what you're gonna do. But I also suspect you're in for a big disappointment when she alwasy goes and sides with her mother, her money will always be held over your head in certain ways, you will never be an equal partner in the relationship. Dunno, but those seem like the cons overweigh the "but I love her".

[DBatista9]

Honestly, you have not been the 1st person to tell me exactly that and that there was a reason why things didnt work out and that in a lot of ways it was a blessing in disguise to me that we didn't go through w/ the wedding. While I did find out even after the break up that there were very strong feelings that I didn't even know I had at the time I was w/ her....I wasn't nearly as vocal about my feelings as she was at the time we were together...She almost overdid the saying "I love you" to me but there's an old saying that actions speak louder than words, and her actions proved that her love lacked true depth to it b/c when the going got tough....You're right, she did side w/ her Mom when she was suppossed to side w/ the man she "loves". Her Mother was wrong w/ the things she said and did, yet she still did stick up for HER and not ME....You're right that should've been a HUGE sign to me and in some ways I did catch that at the time but refused to truly believe it thinking that she would come to her senses at some point and apologize to me. That is the main reason why i didnt reach out to her sooner after the huge fight than I did. I wanted to see at what point was she actually going to admit a wrongdoing or shortcoming on her part and say I'm sorry. It never happened! That was a test there and fast forward to after breaking up and immediately getting involved in another relationship also showed me alot too. HER LOVE FOR ME DIDN'T NEARLY HAVE THE SAME DEPTH TO IT AS MY LOVE FOR HER!
Despite realizing that, there's a big part of me that still tells myself that there's a way to fix this and be happy and to go after her and don't stop untill you get her back.....Then there's a side of me that wants to listen to a lot of the advice that I've been given in the aftermath, "that you're better off w/out her and her family and that it would've been a certain recipe for disaster had you gone through w/ the wedding under their rules and you would've felt very degraded a lot b/c of the difference in the economic backgrounds b/ween our two families". Also to move on once and for all and don't look back. She is now the problem of this guy now and he'll definitly be in for more than he bargained for, etc.....And also that the right person that views you as equal and likes you for you will walk into your life and you'll know it. I did meet one potential candidate over the summer that I regretfully didn't really follow up w/ at my friends wedding. At the time I was kind of dating another girl and although I felt strong attraction to this gorgeous, bright, nice, classy, down to earth, funny, intelligent girl that I had briefly met, I didn't really follow through and try to get to know better and get a phone number etc. out of respect & feelings for the person I was dating at the time. Well, fast forward a few months later and things didn't really work out w/ this girl i was dating, although we are still friends. She has a lot to fix in her life and knows it and needs to get past her personal obstacles before she can have a major relationship w/ anyone. I respected that, but nonetheless, here I am still single once again......There's a side of me that's telling me that there's something about this mystery girl I met at our mutual friends wedding over the summer that will really attract me to her and to try to go after her. My only real shot at this point at meeting her now and having any type of chance is through our mutual friend, the one who was getting married. My friend did say she was single and that she is a very nice girl and a real sweetheart and I she thought I would really like her too and that she's a teacher and real down to earth and not from a upscale, elitist background. She thought she would be a decent match for me actually. I regrettfully passed up on pursuing her at the time b/c of my new relationship i had started at the time w/ this other girl. I hope it's not too late to reach out to my friend to try to help me meet up w/ her. Something tells me that this girl is something special. I should probably listen more to the side of me that is telling me to let go of my past for good and to move on and try to go after this new girl that I met from the summer wedding!! I am at such a major crossraods as to what I want to do. Either go back after my ex full blown or go after this new girl that seems to have some good quailities in her own right......I know I need to make a decision, and after reading alot of the feedback today, it seems the later choice is probably the better way to go! Go for the new girl!

[girl68]

Alas...yes, keep telling yourself that. (I'm not being sarcastic.)

[twinrexes]

Wow, what a story! Yes, I read the whole thing.

And yes, girl68 is right, marriage to this woman would have looked a lot like her parents marriage. She would have treated you the same way she and her mother treat her father.

Your lucky to be out of it and you probably already know it.

Trying to win her back wasn't about her. It was about you feeling wronged and wanting to right it. It was about you being competitive and wanting to win, not the other guy. It was about you feeling like someone moved in on your territory.

All normal alpha male behavior. But it has to do with you wanting to overcome imbalances, right wrongs, and come out on top. It's not about love and it's certainly not about HER. She was immature and has a lot she needs to work on.

You're the catch not her.

Just quit analyzing the whole thing to death, you'll drive yourself bonkers. I wasted to much of my life wanting to fix relationships that didn't work just because I wanted to FIX something that broke and not, in the final analysis, because the relationship was "meant to be".

Sounds like you're doing something really healthy by going after the mystery woman! Yay!