Cheating Wife... what to do?

[Crosby]

My wife and I have been dating for 4.5 years and we've been married since June. We have been happy more times then sad. About a month ago I really started to pull away from her and "ignore" her (those are her words). I really hated my job (new management) and she was really busy at work so i was unable to talk to her about it. Instead of talking to her I turned to my "vice" which are video games and gambling. She said that I ignored her when I would play video games but they made me happy. We are both really busy with our grad classes and we only see each other two of the five week nights but we see each other every weekend. This went on for a little while and then one night we got into an arguement and she told me that she had kissed a co-worker. I was very jealous but I forgave her and I changed. I stopped doing anything that took time away from her and she was starting to really enjoy our time together. The next day I made her talk to the guy and tell him that it was all over. Before she left she told me that it was more than just one kiss that they had been playing soccer together and going out to eat. Also she told me that it was more than just a little kiss it was an actual make out but that was it.

I was changing the best I could but she was still giving minimal effort. A little over a week after the first conversation I noticed that two of our condoms were missing. I went to her work and confronted her about it. She told me that she had sex with her co-worker that morning after I left for work. She also told me that she had continued the relationship with him and that she loves him. She doesn't know if she loves him more than me but she does lust after him. When she gets home we have a conversation and decide to get a divorce. When we actually start to talk about spliting things up and leaving each other forever she gets really sad and decides that she wants to work things out. This goes back and forth for a few hours and I finally tell her that I have to stay somewhere else tonight so she has time to think. I stay in a hotel and I get a call from her saying that she wants to talk.

She comes to the hotel room and tells me that she was planning on telling me that she wanted a divorce but after seeing me she wants to work things out. She ends up staying at the hotel with me but I couldn't even cuddle with her for longer than 5 minutes because I kept thinking about her and him. The next morning we start talking and she still wants to work things out. She promises that she will change this time. She wasn't thinking about actually losing me and she doesn't want that to happen. I tell her that she has to talk to the co-worker and tell him that everything is over. She says that she will but when I tell her that she should tell him that it was a mistake she says that she can't. She claims that she doesn't want to bring up the past with him. I don't think that she thinks that it was a mistake. I asked her and she wouldn't answer the question.

Before you help me decide what to do remember that I love this woman. I have been through everything with this woman. I forgave her the first time and I am willing to forgive her this time. My question is, should I give her another chance? Will I ever be able to trust her again? If she did it once will she do it again when times get hard? What should my next move be? Thank you for reading this and I hope you all have a wonderful day.

[madotnw_nihs]

I think if you decide to be with her, you have to accept that she will do it again and that you can live with not trusting her again. If you can live with those conditions, I say go for it. I am not being sarcastic as I know some people can be happy that way. You don't strike me as that kind of person though. She doesn't even think that it was a mistake. I don't know, it's not something i can live with. I am forgiving type of person, but with cheating on this level.

Take Care

[VincenzoG91]

Yeah, the fact that she doesn't even think she made a mistake should be a huge warning sign to you. She didn't mind lying or cheating, she just didn't like the consequences of getting caught in a lie. I think that you should divorce her, because this is practically a textbook case for why people get divorced.

If you decide to forgive her and continue the marriage, it's going to be really hard on you. She will be more likely to cheat in the future, knowing that you will forgive her. Or you may struggle to truly forgive her, periodically wrestling with feelings of betrayal or even just throwing this back in her face each time you have an argument about anything. And even if you manage to forgive her and she manages to stop sleeping with co-workers or other folks, you will have lingering doubts for years and years to come. All of this might work together in a negative feedback loop, with your distrust causing her to feel resentment and start cheating again.

[xxazurexx]

Living with the aftermath of cheating is hard.....been there, done that.

To forgive is easier than to trust again. And I never regained my trust....

And I was right not to. Because 4 years later he cheated again.

[Illusional]

take my advice with a grain of salt...

first off, i think that by what you have told me, it's both of your faults for being weak. your vice is games and gambling and her vice is other men's penises. so with that out of the way, obviously she wasn't fine with your playing more attention to your ps3 and your chip count so she feel into her vice. do you honestly feel that playing games and gambling was cheating on her?? f*ck no, i wouldn't. however women think differently and by you ignoring her feelings and emotions, she doesn't feel like she has cheated because she too, has her own vices... it might be sexually, but in her mind, it's different. this is why she doesn't feel guilty, as you don't feel guilty wasting your time with games, or your money with gambling.

ok, if she'll cheat on you?? i dunno... none of these people on this forum knows.... not even your wife knows, but i will tell you this. it will have a huge impact on how you treat her. i will tell you this though, it's honestly up to you if you want to, or can forgive her. in the back of your mind, are you strong enough to say f*ck the past and look at her full heartedly again? if not, then you're not going to give her the attention that she needs, and she will leave you in one way or another. the bottom line right now IS do you want to be with her, and if so, can YOU let go of her past?

in my case, i have done so... it's hard... but in my case it wasn't worth it because i then reverted. but how strong do you consider yourself?


raverboy

[JMP105]

Dude. I don't care if you've been together for 4.5 years. She has completely disrespected you, betrayed you, and then doesn't even seem the slightest bit remorseful about it.

Once a cheater is always a cheater, they just get better at hiding it. I say you should take a few weeks WITHOUT her (I mean no email, no phone, no visits), and see how you feel. Really think for yourself if you could get over this and if you could ever trust her again. Then you will have made up your mind if you want to try and reconcile things.

Also realize ... these weeks without her, she's probably going to be ****ing this other dude.

[BeingAlpha]

First no one has said to you that we feel awful for you so i will...this truly sucks.

Other people have said it but I am going to elaborate on how this will be hard on you.

1) everytime she gets a text message you are going to wonder

2) if her phone rings...you are gonna wonder who it is and why she leaves the room.

3) changing a contact name in a cell phone is easy...she will never put his name in

4) you gave her orders to end it and say it was a mistake...she didnt offer it. Do you know many women that like to take orders? In a messed up way she will resent you...really messed up.

5) everytime you are intimate with her you are going to be reminded that some other guy was with your wife.

No one here is qualified to give you advice on stay or go...nor would any of us feel comfortable doing so.

We will do our best to support you though. Hang in brother

[Applesauce]

leave her. If the situation were reversed and it was you who cheated, you better believe she would have left your ass. This isn't about you loving her or being a better person by forgiving her. This is about you having respect for yourself. You deserve better than to be with someone who betrayed you, lied to you about it, and doesn't have the respect to end things with the other guy

[IncognitoSir]

Uh uh, you gotta let her go man. Which I can see is going to be hard, but from the sounds of it, she's "ready" to cheat on you again. Of course it was a mistake, I'm sorry you have to do this man, but you gotta end it, or your life will be miserable forever.

[Boisdevie]

D i v o r c e

[RdHrshyKss]

by staying you will become her doormat, her bitch...she knows this (you practically already are her bitch), hence the reason she was unwilling to do what you asked of her with this other guy. she is in control of this relationship and i don't think you will ever be able to find a balance...you will always be the weak one in her eyes because you forgave her for doing what she did. it's best that you end it now, rather than try to work things out and get cheated on again.

[Take2]

Yeah, save yourself some time and heartache and walk away now. If you give her another chance, when she doesn't feel the first time was a mistake? You are just going to have to have this whole rigamarole over again in another 6 months or a year when you catch her again.

I'd also say she doesn't even care to keep it a secret if she takes 2 condoms from your bedside table drawer. She is putting the responsibility of ending it on you, or she will cheerfully continue to reap the benefits of having you while doing whatever strikes her fancy, if you prefer. I would choose door A and get out now!

[RdHrshyKss]

i didn't even think about the whole condom taking thing. this woman is selfish as hell and will use you if you are willing to let her. staying with her is not a good choice. be a man, say enough is enough, and get the hell out of there.

[VincenzoG91]

If you're not going to divorce her, you better buy more condoms. You don't want to get stuck raising some other guy's kid, do you?

[damn2010]

She still seems to be in a confused loop about what to do. Trapped by her love for you and her lust to experience something different out there.

If you want to work things out, you need couples therapy and she needs individual therapy. She obviously cheated because there was a lack of attention on your part, but that doesn't mean cheating is the right response to that problem.

Forgiveness is one topic, then reestablishing trust is the next, she needs to work as hard as you do.