Girlfriend broke up with me after a great 3 years

[therobby3]

Yea I understand that I shouldn't care, although I of course do. I know I must move on, its just that I spent so much time, money, and so much of my heart invested in her that I seems like a waist to just let it go like it never happened. I guess even after a month its still hard for me to fully believe that's its over. =\

A huge thing that is bugging me right now is how do you ever tell if the other person truly loves you or you are in a good relationship? I had what would appear the best relationship out of anyone I know. She was so in love with me. Yet she ultimately leavels despite it being an awesome 3 years. How does one ever trully know? =[

[mmiller5373]

I feel the same way. I pretty much bankrupted myself being with her lol.

I think it's an easy answer to know if it's love, if they leave then it wasn't love for them. Or they don't know what love is. It's selfish.

[twinrexes]

Yea, having a God girlfriend and relationship is the best thing to have to look forward to each day. That's a huge part of why it sucks so bad to be broken up, you don't have that much to look forward to. =\
.

Don't expect to be "all better" after only a month. You were together for 3 years. (Some people don't even stay married that long.)

Bit by bit it WILL get easier, I promise you. I've been through many breakups. One in particular where I was afraid to fall asleep at night because I didn't want to go through that awful experience of waking up in the morning thinking everything was "normal" and then have that rude realization that everything had been shot to hell.

But here I am, 20 years past that breakup, married with children. No I never got back with that guy but I did eventually dust myself off and try again. And again, and again until I got it right.

You sound much better adjusted than I was in those days, lol, so I'm sure your learning curve won't be nearly as long or steep. Just have faith and confidence in yourself and surround yourself with good, supportive friends. If you don't have 'em, go out and get 'em. We tend to let those things slip when we're happily coupled.

[therobby3]

mmiller
Yea I understand that once you break up then it must not have been the love you thought it was, but what I mean is before you break up? I was in a great relationship for 3 years, she was the one with the crush on me before we even went out also. She initiated things at first too. There was no doubt that she loved me in the relationship, so I don't understand. Say at best, I get in another relationship that is amazing just like the one I got out of.. How do I know, even when things are best, that she loves me like she says? It'd seem the only way you'd ever know is if they leave, by which that time it is of course too late. Although even when we broke up she said, "I honestly love you but I must move focus on school and jobs pursuing my dream.". So she said she loved me, I guess just not enough? That doesn't make sense to me... =[

@twinrex
Yes, it is getting SLIGHTLY better sometimes. But by slightly I mean ever so small. I'm finding out that I get to get the heck out of the house at all costs, as I feel by far worst when I'm in my house. I hear ya BIG TIME on the sleeping part... Everyday I wake up I try as hard as I can not to wake up.. Morning is by far the worst time for me. That feeling of waking up and everything is normal, then is quickly slams you in the face that your no longer going to be with them for the rest of forever... Big time horrible feeling that is for sure...


I wish I knew how bad she missed me. It's just weird because everything between us since we VERY FIRST started going out was so mutual. If I kissed her on the head she would kiss me back. If she wanted to hang out with me I wanted to hang out with her. If she was missing me really bad I would be missing her. We'd always be on the same page about how we felt. So because of that there's that big part of me that thinks "Maybe part of her wants to get back with me.".. Because just days before the breakup she was telling me how much she missed me and loved me and wanted to hang out the coming weekend. So it seems rather strange to me.

[Teddy057]

"I wish I knew how bad she missed me. It's just weird because everything between us since we VERY FIRST started going out was so mutual. If I kissed her on the head she would kiss me back. If she wanted to hang out with me I wanted to hang out with her. If she was missing me really bad I would be missing her. We'd always be on the same page about how we felt. So because of that there's that big part of me that thinks "Maybe part of her wants to get back with me.".. Because just days before the breakup she was telling me how much she missed me and loved me and wanted to hang out the coming weekend. So it seems rather strange to me. "

You're over analyzing it way too much again, just stop. It's done, it's over, and there's no sign of it ever happening again. If you need closure that bad, call her up and tell her to explain it to you in a way you can understand. But, if you do that, be prepared to be emotionally shit on. Take the past 3 years as a learning experience, and that's it. Be grateful that you have a pretty good understanding of how a relationship should be, and leave it at that.

Don't wander around questioning what went wrong, because guess what? It doesn't matter, you didn't do anything wrong. Some things just aren't meant to be, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is one of those cases. If you two really meant that much to one another, you wouldn't be in this circumstance, right? So, maybe it's best this way. Just try and be realistic with yourself.

[therobby3]

Yea... I know I shouldn't be thinking about it but it's not that eas.y. It's like telling someone to stop thinking about their best friend after their best friend passes away. Eventually I will be able to stop thinking about it, but right now and for the past month I can't. I can't just forget about the last 3 years that easy.

[dan2k7]

Yea... I know I shouldn't be thinking about it but it's not that eas.y. It's like telling someone to stop thinking about their best friend after their best friend passes away. Eventually I will be able to stop thinking about it, but right now and for the past month I can't. I can't just forget about the last 3 years that easy.

I know how you are feeling. I have just came out of a 3 year relationship with my ex and trying to adjust to single life is difficult after being so used to company and the routine. In some ways it sounds daft but consider yourself lucky that you didn't have more ties and committments with this girl. My ex and I have a 2 year old little boy together, no matter how much pain we are sharing at the moment unfortunately neither one of us can just cut and run completely. From this point of view be grateful that you may never have to hear or see this girl again and at least you can have complete closure no matter how badly you want her back.

[Gratedwasabi]

College changes people. I know it's a cliche response but it's true. A lot of people get to college and suddenly there are tons of people, all this stuff going on, etc etc. It might not have affected you but it seems like it did her (probably moreso because of the distance.) It's hard and it's not fair and it sucks.. but you need to move on. You need to move on completely. Don't "move on" while just hoping she contacts you. Make a decision in stone that even if she were to try and contact you you'd ignore it. MOVE. ON. It's for the best. It hurts for a long while but it helps to really make that decision that "hey, she doesn't want to be with me? Fine. I'm done with her. Period."

It hurts to hear but whatever you think you had, you didn't. Every relationship you lose unwillingly looks better in hindsight; every single one.

You'll survive. Don't let some chick that doesn't know a good thing when it smacks her in the face for 3 years bring you down. You can and will do better. Period.

[BeingAlpha]

I think the main thing right now is accept that you will never get the answers that you want to all of your questions. She may have crappy reasons, she may have no reason at all -- and she doesn't have to have any. Love isn't logical -- neither are feelings. You need to get over that.

The only way to move on is to just accept that its over, accept that you don't agree with it, but accept that she has just as much choice as you in the matter and her choice is to not be with you anymore.

People change a lot between the ages of 20-26 you are really just starting to understand who you are, who you want to be, and what you want out of life. You are only 22 -- you might think you have it all figured out but you don't...and to your girlfriend's point (and someone else up there in the string). She wants to experience life: have the freedom to do that without having to answer to anyone for anything she does. I never really understood the notion of having to find myself until at the age of 25 I really had no idea where i was going. For me the experience of traveling, being alone, doing things by yourself for a change is something that I would never take away from anyone...there is a lot of learning to be had from just jumping on a plane with a bag and no plan. Rolling from city to city with no one you need to check in with and no one you need to answer to (meaning you can hook up with whomever you want, stay out with whomever you want etc).

You can sit there imagining in your mind that your ex-gf is in bed with some other guy -- doing all the crazy stuff she used to do to you but what purpose does that serve? And what right do you have to be angry at her for doing it? What if she feels like she hasn't had sex with enough guys yet? The thing you need to learn is that she made a choice - its not the choice you would have made but it was HER choice.

I won't say what the others have said that she will never come back to you - -she very well might. She might come back and still be completely confused. My ex is doing that -- we broke up about 3 months ago -- I sent her a few texts and emails in sheer panic mode (which you are in right now)...and then stopped. She replied to all of them -- then one day when I stopped contacting her she IM'd me. Eventually we met for lunch and well things happened (the chemistry is still there)...but she is still confused, not sure if we are to be together or be apart. My plan is to move on with my life -- make decisions for me, not based on the "possibility" that we could get back together, that she will have worked through her commitment issues etc.. that could take YEARS...

Best advice I have for you -- just let it go...and if she does contact you -- don't make it too easy for her to come back (this is very very hard)...people don't fight for or value the things that come to easily...its not really playing games but its just not being too eager. Remember this girl hurt you: how do you know she wouldn't just do it again?

I was too eager when my ex came back around...don't make the same mistake. For now I am moving on; dating other girls, taking time to myself, hitting the gym aggressively (every time I feel sad I go to the gym which is open 24 hours incidentally) -- I may even take some classes .. doesn't matter I am bettering myself. I also urge you to figure out what went wrong in the relationship -- were you too needy etc..

Good luck -- it gets better, the less time you spend dwelling the better though.

[mmiller5373]

Let me know if you need someone to talk to... this forum is great, it's helped out a lot. I use yahoo messenger.

[carlosaugustine]

Hey man,

I once had a long distance relationship in college with a girl who lived in California---I lived in Chicago. I have first hand knowledge of how unbelievably painful it is to get blindsided with a break up by someone who alleged they love you with all their heart.

It was incredibly difficult for me to get over this girl-it took a few years. Of course, that doesn't help you, but just realize that I can totally understand what happened.

But, there is help for you and you do not have to go through this like a helpless puppy dog waiting for possible signs that your ex still loves you.

Yet....

For right now, I think it is a good idea for you to accept and agree to the break up. This does not mean that you are giving up. It is a tactic you can use to actually get your ex to start to miss you again. But there's more you can do if you still love her...

Send her a short note saying something like this:

"Just thought I'd drop a line to say hi. I hope all is well. Things are going pretty good for me here and I'm more enthused than ever about college and (xyz). Wish I had time to tell you about the most amazing thing that happened to me the other day, but I gotta run to a meeting about (xyz)....

Best,
Robby"

Now, remember you better have something amazing that happened the other day. You can't just have her call and ask what was so amazing and have you be left saying, "uh um I dunno."

The idea is that you want to perk her interest in what you are doing without telling her what you are doing.

The point is that you don't want to be put in her ancient history book just yet, especially if you still love her.

In case you don't know, there's a guy who helps revive broken relationships when only one person wants to get back together, that being you of course. He provides coaching to people that are experiencing a difficult time with break up.

Look at my profile for the link to find out how to get access to a free video where this guy explains how to begin to take action to get back together with your girlfriend.

All the best and I'm definitely on your side!

Carlos

[mmiller5373]

I wouldn't try to follow any of those "get your ex back" schemes. Trust me, bro. I tried so hard for the past few months to do what those articles said, and in the long run, you only hurt yourself by thinking it may work. Because when it doesn't work, you've wasted your time trying to fix something and you've only prolonged you grieving.

Your ex walked away. You didn't. It's her choice and the only thing you can do is accept it and let her live her life. She may realize it one day that she made a mistake. Who knows. Could be a week from now, could be a year from now, but you can't focus on that. You can't go on living your life thinking that she'll come back, because, there is a possibility that you may never hear from her again. Just remain NC, even though you're thinking about her all the time. I know you probably just want to reach out to her and tell her you still care. That you'll wait for her. But that's the worst thing for you to do. Make her see that you care enough about her to let her go. She wanted space, so give it to her. Continue to live your life and work on yourself.

I know it's tough, man. You can read so many things about how to move on, and hell, you can even dish out advice to other people going through breakups, but you still can't help but think of her throughout your days and nights. You'll go through phases. One day you may be okay, the next it feels like your world is crashing down on you. It's all part of the moving on process.

Not a single day goes by that I don't think about my ex. She's my last thought at night and first thought in the morning, even though I know she's with another guy now.

[carlosaugustine]

I know what you are saying mmiller, and I agree with you. There is definitely no magic bullet or secret potion to get your ex back. Every case is different. But there are at least some things you can TRY besides moping about getting sad and angry and sad and angry over and over again.

Sure, someone's secret get your ex back formula didn't work for you, but that does not mean these kinds of things never work.
If they didn't, people would stop using them.

It's very very very depressing to find out 2 or 3 years later that your ex was very confused at the time and knew she made a mistake but felt ashamed or too prideful to call and say she was sorry. So she never called. And you did nothing to try to get her to come back except get angry and sad?

The worst part is that you find out that your ex was sorry and made a mistake when she finally calls 2 or 3 years later to see how you are. Sadly, you are married or engaged to someone else. Hearing the love of your life say goodbye for the absolute last time is heart breaking.

Imagine for a moment if she just needed some time and a little bit of prodding.

This is why you should give this a final last best shot....You are thinking about it all the time anyway. Why not do something constructive about it?

Want to move on with your life, but wonder "what if" every day? For years?

I wish I could roll back the clock sometimes, but you can never go back no matter how bad you want to. Take action while you can, because later, it will not be an option.

[therobby3]

Thanks for all the replies guys. Like I said, I understand I must move on, but really the only thing I can do is to make the best out of everyday and let time do it's healing I suppose. The big thing that confuses me is about the whole love thing. I've been in relationships before where the other person doesn't quite feel the same way, and it's fairly obvious when it's that way, though it's hard to admit. I never had to question that with her however, I was certain she loved me. I remember when we used to just go in her room, and lay and stair into each others eyes for literally hours, just smiling and being happy. I mean, I know what it's like to not be loved, but there was no question here that she loved me. Now, it's just all seems weird. It's crazy to think we were head over heals for each other and hung out everyday for 3 years, then BOOM it's over in a few days. Just weird now I guess. =/ I don't understand how people can throw away somebody so caring and so much a part of their life that makes them so happy and they have so much fun with just like it was nothing. But I guess their's more to relationships than love? I dunno. =[

@carlo
Yes, I ended up buying one of the online video segment things of how to get your ex back since it was so convincing and anything that would give me a chance was worth it. All in all, the summary of what they say seems to be "don't call". I did wait 2 weeks and contacted her but nothing good came out of it really. So I have decided it would be best to unfortunately let it hurt me, but do nothing as it's pretty much all her choice from here. I have thought of what you said plenty of times though, but I think it's best if I don't give myself anymore false hope from here. =/


Overall though, her breaking up with me pretty much dropped a nuke on my trust with relationships and pissed on the ashes. So that's going to be incredibly hard to get back with anyone in a relationship, period.

[BeingAlpha]

therobby3 you will be alright man - you are seriously young. Like I said people don't do rational things, even rational people don't do rational things -- emotions are kind of crazy and unpredictable. I know exactly what it is like to get bored and just want to move on -- and then regretted it. The first girl I ever truly loved I dated her for 5 years and truly treated her badly -- I was nice to her most of the time but she needed me more than I needed her and when we graduated from college she said to me "you have never asked me to move to NYC with you." I didn't even have a good response -- she was pursuing her dreams I was pursuing mine and while I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want to be with my HS sweetheart / girl I dated in college. I wanted to sleep with a lot more girls -- flat out, not bs, no lies. I wanted a hotter girl -- and yes the girls I have dated have gotten progressively hotter and I've accomplished my goals. Now - many many many years later I can truly appreciate how amazing GIRL 1 was and how awesome of a wife and mother she would make...but shes married, has kids and I would never bother her...we have both since moved on. I didn't say I loved her anymore -- what I did say is I can appreciate her now. Maybe some day your ex will appreciate you -- maybe...

I am sorry you haven't gotten the answers you want and can't accept that there maybe is just NO answer -- but you have to. As soon as you do that you will get better -- I promise. Stop questioning it because you won't get the answers -- even if she spoke to you -- you would not get straight answers... it's okay though. The ONLY thing you can control now is your actions and how you react to things -- you cannot and could never have controlled her actions, feelings etc...