Live in boyfriend taking advantage of me?

[AngelDollFace]

First off I am hoping to only get mature- honest answers here. I don't need to hear "your bf is awful" etc etc. I am not here for that. I need a sounding board and I am not the kind of person who tells people about my relationship problems.

Me- 31
BF- 34

When I was a young adult my mother told me I was too hard on people- friends and relationships- that I set my bar too high and expected too much. She told me this when I was angry with a female friend one day for something (i don't remember what). I think I took that to heart because now I am always afraid of being mean or saying no. I am not the kind of girl most people would expect that from- I am the office manager where I work- I am attractive (i am told) and loving-

My question:
Basically I fell in love at the beginning of the year after a very, very bad 2 year relationship (abuse and cheating). <- A relationship with someone else.

I met my current bf and he was very nice and loving and told me all the right things- talked about marriage and kids and took me out on the best first date I've had in my life.

After a month he started staying with me a lot at my place. He had just moved to my state from another state when I met him and hadn't settled in yet so he was temporarily staying with his dad. He started staying over after that and he did it because I wanted it too. He didn't force it. We were both unemployed when we met but I had saved and was paying my bills. I think his parents helped him a little. Because I started out paying the rent (my place) it continued to be that way... now we both work. I make about 40% more than he does but all he has is a car payment. I pay all of the bills- which is about 1k a month total. I pay for all of our dates 95% of the time and I was okay with that but he doesn't help around the house at all. He is very messy and doesn't do dishes, make the bed or anything- really a sloppy person. I do everything including raise my 8 yr old daughter. I walk his dog, I do all of the household repairs- he is a maintenance man with a home building license but he never fixes stuff -tells me it's an apartment so I should call maintenance. I don't like to call maintenance so I do all the dirty repairs- garbage disposal repair, toilet issues, unclogging sinks- all of it. He sometimes takes out the trash but only when it's falling on the floor because it's so full or because it starts to smell horrendous. And even then it takes him 5 days more than it should. I cook all the meals and buy all the food. I do all the shopping and I help him carry the groceries in. I never ask him to do it alone even though I kind of think he should (three flights of stairs). I walk his dog during the week before and after work and I do the laundry.

Sometimes he complains that the he doesn't have clean clothes or that the dog hasn't gone out yet on saturday mornings because I get up at 9 and he sleeps till noon- he expects I will have walked his dog before then. His dog has peed on my floor like 50 times. He waits too long to take his dog out and usually I clean it up... I even paid for expensive carpet cleaning. It's a small dog so it's a small mess but it's still disgusting.

I know it sounds so terrible and it really hurts even typing this out. I think I know on a very real level that this relationship isn't fair and that he must not really love me, but he holds me like he loves me, kisses me like he loves me, he is great with my daughter, we have very loving sex and he is a very generous and considerate lover. Now he has delayed getting married because he says he is coming to terms still with the fact that I am divorced and have a kid and have had experiences already that will be new and fresh to him. He constantly tells me I am beautiful though and that I am his future wife (daily). He isn't saving for a ring. I am always afraid he doesn't have enough money to save but he keeps buying things like a pool table and a snow board- expensive motorcycle repairs. He tells me he does it for us so we have things to do together. It's always easier to think of the bad than the good when you're upset- but there really are a lot of good qualities about him. He'd never cheat on me- ever.

I need help in such a desperate way. I need sound advice. The few people I've talked to said, 'he sounds like a loser' but it isn't cut and dry like that. There are real feelings here and I truly love him and I think he loves me- I don't know if it's a maturity issue or what on his part. I think he really thinks he is a good boyfriend. He and I talked about relationship roles early on and he wanted a housewife who raised the kids and he wanted to be the one earning the living but he can't afford to earn our living but still seems to expect me to work 40 hours a week, do everything and raise my daughter. I mentioned a few things about this to my mom recently and she said, "Angel you're beautiful, smart, funny and very successful you could have anyone you want- a man who can afford to take care of his family and will dote on you and treat you like a princess." But it doesn't seem that simple to me. My first husband didn't love me and cheated (10 years) my second serious relationship was with an unattractive man who I was deeply in love with who let me pay for everything also and treated me like hell- was violent and physically hurt me a few times even. Now the stuff with this guy is happening. I feel like I must not deserve better. Every time I go into a relationship the man says he wants marriage and that I am the one (i haven't had a ton of relationships) but they all take that back after a few months and don't want to marry me (including my ex husband). I want to be a wife and I want more children. I feel bad about myself- almost like nobody will ever want to marry me and spend a life with me.

I am so full of hurt and I am so confused. If my boyfriend who treated me so well at first lets me pay for everything, won't get the ring (even though I think he really will marry me someday), doesn't help me with chores or repairs does that mean he doesn't really love me?

I am afraid of putting him out of my house too because I feel responsible for him. He is too poor to pay rent on his own- could probably survive with a room mate for sure though. I feel so guilty when I think of it.

Tonight he called me from work to ask me to get a six pack of beer for his friend who he wants to invite over after work- it was 9pm when he called and my daughter was in her pajamas and almost ready for bed- but I couldn't say no- what the heck is wrong with me? Why can't I say no? I wanted to say no but I couldn't.

Whatever advice any one can offer please do. I am hurting and confused and I don't know if the problem is that I expect a man who will do everything 100% correctly or if the problem is that I am not respecting myself by being with this guy. Like I said... I was told I expected too much a long time ago and at this point I don't know the difference.

Thank you for reading this. Really- thank you.

[Confused81]

Hmmmmm..... sounds alot like one of my exes (except mine did cheat).....

In all honesty I don't believe there is anything wrong in expecting alot and being hard on people... Although there should be a balance between that and love and respect. I have been told my whole life also that I am too hard on people. And I know I can be, I expect alot from the people in my life and I do get cranky when it doesn't happen.... I am constantly told I am too hard on my 7yo daughter. But when I look at her and see that she has never ever had a tantrum, never demands anything, has perfect manners and every adult that comes into contact with her remarks about how well behaved she is, it's worth it. That's not to say I don't show her love and affection though!!

I think everyone deserves to be with someone who respects them, loves them and genuinely cares for them. Have you spoken to him and let him know what you expect from him?? If he really loves you like he says he does then you should be able to talk to him about this and tell him what you expect. If you have already let him know what you think then maybe he just doesn't repsect you and your relationship as much as he needs to?

IMO while you are both working the house chores should be split 50/50, without having a fight everyday to get him to do it!!
If you were the housewife that he would like you to be then once you stopped working he could expect the chores to be done and dinner on the table each day.

[RockNRoll]

I would advice you to look for good attitude and behaviour, that will make you feel loved and cared about. Not words.
You are responsible ONLY for your daughter, NOT your man. Tell him to move out and don't feel guilty about it. He is a big boy, he'll earn some money and find a flat mate or two.

[Boisdevie]

I think he is taking you for granted. He should do his share of the work.

[Mish]

what the heck is wrong with me? Why can't I say no?

I think the main problem here is that you have a very long list of problems, without much action to address any of the issues. What use is collecting a long list of problems if you will not do anything to fix them?

I think you should start from the early grievance and then work through them one at a time (that means putting up with others while one is in progress). For example you can start with the unfair rent payments, maybe you can first politely state your case on the unfairness of the rent situation and see what his response is. If it's positive and he starts to contribute equally then don't rush in to the next issue, but wait a little to see how things develop. If he puts up a resistance then you will have to decide how to move forward, if solving these issues are important to you then you may need a more hardline approach which may include deadlines for progress. When you think these things through you need to be ready for all potential outcomes though, including potential separation if he decides to continue taking advantage of you.

[Saya]

I think he is taking you for granted...
Does he appreciate the things that you do for him?
You said that your bf want a housewife? I think it meas that he doesn't want to help you around the house like cleaning/cooking etc... but then your not his wife yet so he should at least help you out with house work etc...
Your bf should be the one who should take the dog for a walk since it is his dog and he should look after/take care... not you and you can't and shouldn't do everything for him...
I live with my bf and a cat and he work at home, but he does help me out with cleaning and cooking and he appreciate a lot with what I do for him and he thank me all the time.

[manlystanly]

Clearly you are being taken advantage of. You know you are being taken advantage of. You should tell him you need to have a serious conversation with him and tell him everything you told us. You seem to me like someone who wants and needs to be loved so you allow yourself to be used. Of course he's nice to you and tells you what you want to hear, thats the easy part. And I'm not saying he doesn't mean those things he tells you but he is definitely taking advantage of you. Relationships aren't an even 50/50 split, they have ups and downs, its just the natural ebb and flow of things, but clearly he isn't reciprocating what you do for him on any level. Something for you to consider-how would you feel if this was 20 years down the road and you saw your daughter in a relationship like this? What would your advice be to her? Follow that same advice for yourself, its impossible to always do whats in our own best interest, but I've found that if I ask myself "what would I want my kids to do in this situation?" I usually have the right answer for the problem.

[all alone]

As stupid as it sounds, some people just really never learned to provide and clean after themselves. Mom and dad always did everything for them, so they don't realize what someone really has to do in terms of chores and responsibility. You try and confront them, they will freak out about it and deny it 'til their grave. Odds are, they probably have been already at some point in their life.

[julygirl]

the best advice in a nutshell i could possibly give you, is please stop living with him, until the day he marries you, THEN live with him. I would predict if you continue down this path, he will stay for a time, he is pretty comfortable there, also im sure he does love and care about you, BUT the dangerous part is that he has no challenge, no need to be the man and step it up, so he will if you continue down this path, I believe he will sit back and enjoy all the benefits of playhing house with you and your daughter, and then at some point probably in about a year, he will move on.
if you really love him adn want a chance at making it in the long run with him, have a talk with him adn explain that you love him but your not able to live with him anymore...that will have to wait for wife status. there is nothing wrong with readjusting ourselves in a relationship, things come up, things change, sometimes we realize things later on. If he really loves you he will move out, start dating you again like a man, and treating you with some tlc.

i get the idea you fear you'll lose him if you dont do everything under teh sun for him. I believe it will work the other way around, it will make him grow bored, unappreciative, and he will move on..so try to step back so he can man it up a little

there are men who even if you try to do all that stuff for them, they wouldnt feel right allowing you to do all of it. apparently he doesnt feel badly sitting back allowing you to do it all...but it will work against your relationship, it wont last long that way, i dont think

[twinrexes]

I agree with julygirl.

He needs to move out and he needs to start courting you again. As the courtship goes along, you communicate with him about what you need. If he's not willing to meet you halfway and do his share now, then he probably never will be. Yes, it could be the case that his own mother never made him lift a finger around his home and he hasn't got a clue how to pull his own weight. So that might explain where he's coming from but it's no excuse for continuing like that.

You took your mother's words too much to heart. But just like his upbringing is no excuse for his current behavior, neither is yours. You don't have to let others walk all over you for the rest of your life because of something your mom told you when you were a teen. You don't have to be so nice ;-0 My gosh, you even thank us profusely for reading your post when that's pretty much why we're here, lol, to read posts and offer help, lol.

What resonates most with me is what was said about how you'd council your daughter. What would you want her to do with a guy like that? Because believe me, she's taking it all in and learning by watching how you allow yourself to be treated.