Is he over reacting, or am I in the wrong?

[warriormaiden]

For the past 3 or 4 months now me and this guy have been hanging out romantically.

I've known about him for a year, but we've just now began to really hang out. Things were beginning to heat up, but I told him that I wasn't ready to be in a relationship any time soon, and that I would prefer to be lovers. And I explained my definition of it to him. Basically, be there for each other mentally, emotionally, and sexually. Without all the drama and chaos and STRINGS of being in a committed relationship. Be there with each other, then at the end, walk away and return back to our lives. And I did this because we live in different cities. 2 and a half hours away from each other. I usually see him on the weekends when he comes down to visit with friends, and sometimes I don't even see him then. That way, if he met someone he wouldn't be attached to me, and blah blah blah. Plus, I'm not emotionally ready to give my heart up right now.

So anyway.

This weekend I spent Saturday with my ex. And it did go physical.

Well I told Tom about it, and he just kind've flipped out!

He didn't want me touching him, he didn't want me trying to soothe him. And I just kept asking, why does this make such a big deal, since we were NOT dating, and he kept saying 'It just does."

Then he started in on how it would feel if he went and slept with another girl, and when I replied that it wouldn't bother me because we are FREE PEOPLE, he went on in to his whole emo routine about how he couldn't get laid even if he wanted to, and yadda yadda!

So now I feel like a total bitch, and he won't talk to me.

Did I do something wrong?

[crazygirl]

Ex's are always a painful topic for a start, maybe if it had been someone random and not your ex it wouldn't have been as bad. Plus it seems that you are the one who decided to keep things casual, maybe he has deeper feeling for you than that, and does want to officially date, but didn't want to lose you by pushing too hard? Was it clear that you could be with other people, and that you weren't exclusive? Seems as though you hurt him pretty badly anyway.

[Confused81]

Basically, be there for each other mentally, emotionally, and sexually. Without all the drama and chaos and STRINGS of being in a committed relationship.

What do you think a relationship is?? It sounds like all you want is a friend with benefits. The Mentally and Emotionally thing comes with being in a relationship.

You say you want to be there with him mentally and emotionally and then get upset with him when he's emotional with you and letting you know his true feelings. I think your sending him very mixed messages and you should probably stop seeing him if you don't want to commit to him because all you are doing is hurting him. That's not fair on him.

[Applesauce]

I agree you're sending him mixed messages but still, he overreacted. I'm surprised he wasn't hooking up with other girls. I know I would

[girl68]

To you this relationship is an "open" one you want every benefit of a relationship but want other options that's what that sounded like to me.

Honestly, I don't think you should have told him. And yes he did over react. I think he thought he could take it, thinking you wouldn't actually get your freak on with an ex and you did and he couldn't handle it. So you're both kind of screwed. He obviously isn't ready for this type of relationship and you should cut him loose. You however are free to do as you please.

You should also explain your version of this relationship better. Say that you want an OPEN relationship. By being emotionally there, for most that consitutues a heck of a lot more...

[warriormaiden]

Maybe I should have made it a bit clearer. But friends with benefits just sound so.......sterile. I wanted it to be more emotion than that. I remember at the beginning, I asked him why he wanted me so, because he would talk about "us" almost every time we were together and his answer was: "You are sexy, and sensual and passionate." Basically, I turned him on. Not because I had a great personality, and he just really liked hanging out with me, and found me fun to be with. No.
I baked his potato.
So that right there was a sign for ME that he wasn't looking for anything deeper. And I thought that's what he wanted.