Need advice

[Carrie13]

Hi,

I've been with a man for almost 10 mos now, he is going through a very ugly divorce for about a year and has lost everything you can think of. Family, House, job etc.
I stuck by his side the entire time, listened, helped him out in hope he gets back on his feet. So far he is still where he was 10 months ago. Nothing changed and the drama is just overwhelming for me. I slowly start to feel sorry for him ( maybe i have this entire time?)
Now, I have met a man who is very stable, we have talked a lot about life etc. and I start to compare him. He made me see what i have and what i could have!? I know we all meet for a reason, I just can't figure out what my position is anymore.
I'm not some young girl either and I would like to enjoy life with someone who gives me what i give him.

Help!

[Applesauce]

I'm sorry but I fail to see what the dilemma is. Do you want to be with someone you feel sorry for or someone that makes you appreciate life?

[Carrie13]

I'm sorry but I fail to see what the dilemma is

The dilemma is, that I don't know if I should continue with this relationship and hope it will get better or if I should move on. I don't want hurt him more than he already is.
Does that make sense?

[Applesauce]

see above. Maybe the answer will become more clear to you

[crazygirl]

But if he is not moving on or changing his life at all, then I think that you should move on and be with someone who makes you happy. What if you stayed with him and nothing changed, and because of that you missed out on something really special? Sometimes these things just don't work out, but you can't stay with him just because you feel sorry for him and don't want to hurt him.

[damn2010]

Were you with him while he was married????

[Carrie13]

Were you with him while he was married????

No, I met him while he was already in the middle of his divorce-drama. I always had a feeling that he may not be ready for a new relationship, but he claimed he was and he is over it and I believed it. He was married for 12 years and she left him.

[WICKED THOUGHTS]

You got pm.

[twinrexes]

I know you don't want to hurt him and you feel sorry for him but that's no reason to stay. It sounds like he's not ready ands won't be for quite a while. Not after what he's been through and it still going through. And who knows when the drama will end? This could go on and on and meanwhile you're not getting any younger.

Do yourself a favor and choose a guy who's a viable option for you, not one you keep wishing and hoping will work out. That's possibly a way for you to avoid a real commitment? I know I used to get myself into no-win situations because on some level I didn't think I could handle a "real" relationship.
Something to think about anyway.

[Confused81]

Did his wife leaving him have anything to do with him not being motivated, or sitting around feeling sorry for himself or anything like that?? If they were together for 12 years and she just left him maybe she spent that 12 years wondering if he will get his act together... Just a thought. There's always two sides to every story and he may have told you them breaking up was to do with this or that but you never can be too sure unless you knew them as a couple.

If your 10months into the relationship now and your still wondering whats going on with him then there's a fair bet you will always be feeling that way.

It's not nice to hurt someone but in some situations you just need to put yourself first, do what makes you happy. It's not like you've got a house and kids together or anything so it's easier to leave than for alot of other people. realistically how many relationships actually last the distance anyway. You've spent the last 10 months getting to know him, you've decided he's may not be the one that will make you happy so maybe it's best to leave it at that than go any further.

[Carrie13]

Did his wife leaving him have anything to do with him not being motivated, or sitting around feeling sorry for himself or anything like that?? If they were together for 12 years and she just left him maybe she spent that 12 years wondering if he will get his act together... Just a thought. There's always two sides to every story and he may have told you them breaking up was to do with this or that but you never can be too sure unless you knew them as a couple.

If your 10months into the relationship now and your still wondering whats going on with him then there's a fair bet you will always be feeling that way.

It's not nice to hurt someone but in some situations you just need to put yourself first, do what makes you happy. It's not like you've got a house and kids together or anything so it's easier to leave than for alot of other people. realistically how many relationships actually last the distance anyway. You've spent the last 10 months getting to know him, you've decided he's may not be the one that will make you happy so maybe it's best to leave it at that than go any further.

Very good observation!! Indeed, he told me he was never aware of anyting wrong during the marriage. It came as a shock to him that she wanted a divorce. I did not know them as a couple so i only know his side of the story. There are some things that do not really make sense in this divorce and even after asking him several times, I don't think he answers truthfully. It takes 2 to make a marriage and 2 to break a marriage - only in his eyes, he is the innocent one. I left it at that, decided that it may not be my buisness. Yet i made it my buisness. I thought about this and all the answers here most of the day and must say, that i really have forgotten one very important person during the 10 months - Me. We women tend to be nurturing and caring, but there is a time where it needs to be returned. And I am tired of being an emotional garbage can.
Thanks so much for all your answers and showing you care.I think i know which direction i have to go now. :0)
Carrie

[Confused81]

Glad to be of service. :o) good luck.

[Mybrandnewlook]

I agree with Twinrexes, that sometimes being in relationship with someone who can't really be there for you is a way to keep from taking the risk of actual involvement. Maybe instead of just making a choice between men, or even whether to stay in the relationship, it would be worth considering why you got into the relationship in the first place, how long you got what you wanted out of it (if ever), and when you stopped getting what you wanted out of it (if ever). I had to ask those questions of myself after my last break up, and I'm glad I did.

[Carrie13]

@mybrandnewlook, exactly... It took me months to realize, that i only put into this relationship and get nothing back. But I had hope ( don't we all ) that it would turn
into something I can build on since we got along so well, over time I found out what was really going on and that he is in such a bad situation. And it really got worse after his last court date.
I'm slowly starting to withdraw from it, very slowly - but I know I have to. I do not do him a favor by supporting his needs and wants, he needs to get stable again on his own. Now when i look back at the past months I could just kick my butt - I even considered moving in with me since he has no 'home'. living with a roomate. Thank God, that will never happen now.
I felt sorry for him - not a good thing in a relationship.

[pink princess]

Sometimes these things just don't work out, but you can't stay with him just because you feel sorry for him and don't want to hurt him.