why does she hate me?

[lousyhero]

My girlfriend and I have recently been getting into fights regularly.....when we are both drunk. She is living with me in my apartment....for free. She is planning on moving out of state soon, and we talked about it and wanted to stay together, visit each other, and in 6 months when I finish college I would move to where she is.

When I met her she told me she never dated anyone longer than a month, she never had feelings enough to stay with anyone any longer, and her friends told me she never desired a relationship, but after meeting me she was so happy to have me as her boyfriend. She used to tell me all the time that she wants to marry me, even though she has never before believed in marriage.

Last spring she went to Europe for the summer, and her plan was to move out of state after that. After two weeks apart, she decided that she wanted to come back to me after her vacation and wait to move until I finish college. For a few months I have been getting a lot less affection from her, and sex went from every day to once a week. I asked her about it, and she said that she doesn't mean to confuse or hurt me, but she is just really stressed about moving, money, what to do with her cat when she moves, and other things. It wasn't until after she told me she needs to move sooner than I graduate that we started getting into drunk fights, and I think it's because I am not handling her moving away very well, and instead of talking to her about it I keep it inside, then start stupid drama when we are drunk.

Last week I told her that and we talked more, and she told me that she loves me so much that she always wants me in her life, and she told her dad that the day after we met. A few days later, out of nowhere, she asked me if I ever cheated on her, and of course I have not. The next night when we went out together, she asked me what I would do if she cheated on me, so I now I am confused and wondering what she is trying to get at, seems like she is trying to build the guts to confess to me.

Later in the night she said it's because she had a dream that I cheated on her and it really worried her, that's why she asked if I did, and then it made her think of what she would do if I did, which led to her asking me what I would do if she cheated. Later on that night, we got into another stupid drunk fight, and she told me that she hasn't been in love with me for a long time, and she has only continued to be with me because she felt sorry for me. I was hurt and mad, told her to get her stuff and move out, she said she was calling a friend to pick her up and beat me up, I started taking her stuff out of the bathroom so she could start packing it, she punched me in the mouth, then grabbed my neck and started choking me, saying that if I touch her stuff again she will kill me.

The cops arrived, a neighbor called from the noise, and we told our stories. They asked me if I wanted to press charges and I told them I didn't, but they said it's not up to me, and they have to arrest her. She went to jail, and there was an automatic restraining order placed on her. I left to go out of town a few days later to visit family for thanksgiving. I was mad, but knew she needed clothes and work clothes before I left, and called one of her friends to pick some up.

She came by and said all my girlfriend wanted was her keys, which I gave to her but told her the apartment key was already removed, and I didn't think it would be a good idea for her to come by while I was out of town. The day I left for my trip, her lawyer called me and said that she would need some things, I told him I gave some of her clothes to her friend, but if she needed more I could get her more, and I even went to his office to drop off more of her clothes and things, so she wouldn't be screwed for the week I was gone.

I have been worried sick about her, and tried calling her friend to see if she was ok and if she had somewhere to stay besides a hotel which she stayed at the for at least the first night after she was released from jail. Her friends all tell me that they don't know if she is ok and haven't really talked to her, one only said that she was sad. I have been looking at her facebook page each day to see if there is any activity, maybe suggesting she is staying at a friends house, but have found out nothing.

Yesterday I checked it, and she un-friended me on facebook.. After her choking me I have still tried to help her and look out for her and shown that I care about her and am worried, and I have received no sign of remorse from her. I know she can't contact me due to the restraining order, but she could at least pass on a message to me through one of her friends.

I feel horrible for the fight and the fact she went to jail, I never wanted that, and I don't want her to get into any trouble, but as far as I know she has no remorse for what she did to me, and now wants nothing to do with me.

I know I need to let her go, but it is extremely hard. Most of her stuff is still at my apartment and I need to find a way to get it all to her through her friends, but I don't think she has anywhere to put any of it. It is also hard because we have been together 1 year, and we have become very close in the past year.

I believe her when she would say that I am her best friend and that nobody has ever treated her as well as I have. I consider her my best friend too. It hurts that she is acting like she hates me and doesn't even want to keep the close friendship we have developed. It hurts that she can just forget and throw away everything we have had together.

I know it was a long post, thank you for your time and any input.

[smackie9]

Abuse is abuse. It was a good thing the police did get involved because next time she may have used a knife on you. Her act of violence is very serious. She has a drinking problem and anger issues. You are not the cause of what had happened, nor should you feel guilty about her going to jail. You may have not wanted that but she really needed that. Hopefully it will be a wake up call for her to get help. If she doesn't, I pity the poor sap that dates her next. Let it go, you are better off moving on as quickly as possible.

[lousyhero]

Thanks. I know I need to let her go, but it is extremely hard. Most of her stuff is still at my apartment and I need to find a way to get it all to her through her friends, but I don't think she has anywhere to put any of it. It is also hard because we have been together 1 year, and we have become very close in the past year. I believe her when she would say that I am her best friend and that nobody has ever treated her as well as I have. I consider her my best friend too. It hurts that she is acting like she hates me and doesn't even want to keep the close friendship we have developed. It hurts that she can just forget and throw away everything we have had together.

[MerryH]

Box up all her stuff, call her lawyer and ask where you can drop it off, then forget about her. You've both got some huge issues that need to be worked out apart from each other. Your drinking is effecting your life negatively, and you're willing to forgive someone who threatened to kill you. You should really examine these things about yourself and figure out how to change them. You have to take better care of yourself, and you can't do that with her around. She's toxic.