Women and depression

[Legato]

hi this is a question for the ladies. What are some things that a guy can do make a girl feel better when they are depressed? in my situation, it's my ex gf. Right now I am her friend and she calls me sometimes. last time she called, she had gotten robbed and was really upset. i tried to console her over the phone but nothing that I said would help. The next day she apologized and I forgave her and asked her to do something towards the end of the week. This is what bothers me...she said "I'll have to see how I feel then." I am almost certain that she is talking about her job because it really does stress her out and she claims that it depresses her. (and she was getting ready to go to work.) But this is her career (nurse) and I want to know how to make her feel better. Flowers? Gifts? Space? I don't know.

[sweetkissesforu]

flowers and 2 ears thats all

[damn2010]

I'm actually in the same boat as you Legato. My recent g/f actually I believe dumped me MAINLY because of her depression, she's suffered with it for years along with other medical ailments. We were together about 2-3 months. I strove to understand it better but it can be difficult, especially depending on how they get through it. I believe she is used to "pushing away" people when she gets depressed with words like "I just want you to be happy and enjoy life" and just ultimately likes being alone. This was a girl I would sit a whole weekend with IN bed! I don't care, I was happy, but to her she felt guilty because she couldn't "do anything". They begin to feel like a burden.

Unfortunately, I've found that depressed people (especially the ones with a long history of it and laundry list of therapy, medication, etc.) are among the most unreliable and their inner circle is typically just their direct family and super close friends who have never given up on them.

The best you can do is have NO expectation. Don't expect to meet up with them because their mood swings are one way or the other. Also don't expect to get back with them anytime soon. I feel that the best possible way to help is just to BE THERE and BE RELIABLE. You can be sweet and give encouragement, but every one has a way of dealing with that stuff.

I could actually use some advice on this as well.

[vashti]

If her career depresses her, she should try looking into another type of nursing. There are tons of different kinds of nurses.

If she's depressed because she was robbed, well.... who could blame her? Don't try to make her act as though it never happened, and don't try sucking up any of her energy to make YOU feel better. She was violated, and is right to be unhappy about it, and if you can't take her emotional response, then tell her you will give her a couple of days to absorb what happened.

[Legato]

Thanks guys. I have been expecting things from her only to be let down time and time again. She's not medicated, I have just noticed her not being happy. I think it's a fairly recent thing because she just graduated and just got the job and is living on her own for the first time. It kills me because I will never know what she is feeling (since i'm not a nurse) and so I'm not a reliable person to talk to about her problems.

I just don't know what to say to make her feel better. I can't say that I understand it. I can't say that I know how it feels. I can't give suggestions on how to make it better. I guess I can't really make her happy...and that's all I wanted for me to be happy.

[MerryH]

I guess I can't really make her happy...and that's all I wanted for her to be happy.

There, I fixed that for you.

But honestly, she probably doesn't want you to do anything to make her feel better. She just wants to vent. Just listen and ask if there's anything you can do to make her feel better. She'll most likely say no.

Also, if the only time she contacts you is to vent about her problems and be non-committal about seeing you, that's not really fair, is it?

[vashti]

If she's a new nurse, she will likely be suffering from anxiety and SEVERE job-related stress for 6-12 months on the new job. If you want to help her feel better, treat her to a foot massage or pedicure after she has been working. We are on our feet for 12.5 hours a day, so our feet need a lot of TLC. And be sure she is wearing GOOD shoes.

[trouble_sleepin]

Honestly, all women want to do when they're upset is 1) VENT - vent 'til your ears fall off. Trust me, I'm surrounded by women on a daily basis. And 2) get distracted - at some point, she'll most likely not even want to discuss what happened and that's okay. At this point, you'll want to try to encourage her to do the things that make her the happiest. Watch her favorites movies with her, tell her a funny joke, take her out for dancing or drinks, do whatever she likes to do. Also work in her favorite foods. You can always cheer women up with food. Not the healthiest alternative, I'll admit, but hey, it can have a good effect!

Also, if her depression is also job-related, reassure her. Nursing is a VERY stressful field. There are many different options for her. She can go into a different specialty or she could even go back to school if she'd like. It's never too late to go into something you really love.

[trouble_sleepin]

I'm actually in the same boat as you Legato. My recent g/f actually I believe dumped me MAINLY because of her depression, she's suffered with it for years along with other medical ailments. We were together about 2-3 months. I strove to understand it better but it can be difficult, especially depending on how they get through it. I believe she is used to "pushing away" people when she gets depressed with words like "I just want you to be happy and enjoy life" and just ultimately likes being alone. This was a girl I would sit a whole weekend with IN bed! I don't care, I was happy, but to her she felt guilty because she couldn't "do anything". They begin to feel like a burden.

Unfortunately, I've found that depressed people (especially the ones with a long history of it and laundry list of therapy, medication, etc.) are among the most unreliable and their inner circle is typically just their direct family and super close friends who have never given up on them.

The best you can do is have NO expectation. Don't expect to meet up with them because their mood swings are one way or the other. Also don't expect to get back with them anytime soon. I feel that the best possible way to help is just to BE THERE and BE RELIABLE. You can be sweet and give encouragement, but every one has a way of dealing with that stuff.

I could actually use some advice on this as well.

Unfortunately, no matter what you do, women can sometimes stay depressed. It sounds to me that she felt really guilty because she couldn't get out of her depression and she felt as if she were probably dragging you down with her. I don't think she "liked to be alone" as much as she probably felt as if she didn't deserve to ask people for help. I have a close friend who's currently in this situation. The best thing to do, if ever faced with this problem again, is know that this is depression is also related to some serious low self-esteem.
It's actually a dangerous cycle to have low self-confidence. I'm trying to get out of my own personal problem with this. You can't do or say anything that will really make that kind of frutration and depression go away for her. It's a self-healing process. I think in order for her to have gotten out of that depression, she could've tried to see more positive aspects of herself and her life, instead of settling on the negative and dwelling in her feelings of despair. It's a very sweet thing you did, though, to sit with her and try to be patient with her. But in your situation, I believe she needed to gain some inner strength for herself in order to get out of her depression.

Of course, that's just my perspective. It just sounds a lot like what I've been going through for most of my life... I hope I could have clarified some things for you. Best of luck with everything!

[Nimrod44]

Thanks guys. I have been expecting things from her only to be let down time and time again. She's not medicated, I have just noticed her not being happy. I think it's a fairly recent thing because she just graduated and just got the job and is living on her own for the first time. It kills me because I will never know what she is feeling (since i'm not a nurse) and so I'm not a reliable person to talk to about her problems.

I just don't know what to say to make her feel better. I can't say that I understand it. I can't say that I know how it feels. I can't give suggestions on how to make it better. I guess I can't really make her happy...and that's all I wanted for me to be happy.

Working in the medical profession can be very difficult. The hours are often long and tiring. Doctors, families and patients can be demanding. If you work with critically ill patients it's especially difficult and depressing. You may be taught to care for a restore the health of people but sometimes even with the best you can do it's not the case.

Now add on top of that several of the top stressors in life: new job, new place to live, being robbed, loss of old school friends .. no wonder she feels down. Just when she probably thought the world would be all terrific with this new life she had her emotions take a tumble. Not unexpected.

If she has any family history of clinical depression or previous episodes she may need medication. As a nurse she should know this but it's a tough thing to admit.

As a friend it's tough to deal with. There's only so much you can do. Trying to make her feel better or telling her to think about other things isn't the way to go. Talking and letting her vent can help. Maybe there is a mentor at work she can discuss things with to ease the transition into the work world. Suggesting meds and/or a therapist is another good thing if what you do isn't helping.

[Legato]

Sometimes she seems happy though. I don't want to come out and say that she needs professional help or pills. I just want her to talk to me and vent when she has problems.

[Nimrod44]

Sometimes she seems happy though. I don't want to come out and say that she needs professional help or pills. I just want her to talk to me and vent when she has problems.

That is the first way to go. Keep an eye on her and observe her mood patterns. If she starts to have more happy days and less sad ones this is a good sign. If she swings back and forth or stays down for long periods of time it may signal the time for additional help. At that point she would need a professional evaluation.

[ecojeanne]

my opinion is; don't feed the depression by giving it attention. if it becomes a 'thing' then it becomes an excuse. that's just something i've learned

[damn2010]

Unfortunately, no matter what you do, women can sometimes stay depressed. It sounds to me that she felt really guilty because she couldn't get out of her depression and she felt as if she were probably dragging you down with her. I don't think she "liked to be alone" as much as she probably felt as if she didn't deserve to ask people for help. I have a close friend who's currently in this situation. The best thing to do, if ever faced with this problem again, is know that this is depression is also related to some serious low self-esteem.
It's actually a dangerous cycle to have low self-confidence. I'm trying to get out of my own personal problem with this. You can't do or say anything that will really make that kind of frutration and depression go away for her. It's a self-healing process. I think in order for her to have gotten out of that depression, she could've tried to see more positive aspects of herself and her life, instead of settling on the negative and dwelling in her feelings of despair. It's a very sweet thing you did, though, to sit with her and try to be patient with her. But in your situation, I believe she needed to gain some inner strength for herself in order to get out of her depression.

Of course, that's just my perspective. It just sounds a lot like what I've been going through for most of my life... I hope I could have clarified some things for you. Best of luck with everything!

Not to hijack Legato's thread but thanks for the advice. I do see what you're saying and that often it's more important for them to feel happy with themselves first before they can with anyone else.

My girl unfortunately has recently had a lot of work issues where she was harassed (for busting them on fraud),roommate difficulties, and then trying to maintain a relationship with me and I think it was just best for her to just "close up shop" and heal. I was hit extremely hard because I've been there for this girl and was falling for her. I know at times I was a little anxious and excited and perhaps moved some things too quickly but we got along extremely well but I think she felt was "restricting" her from healing because she was too worried about me rather than herself.

She had told me before she broke up with me that her thinking was going back downhill thanks to the work thing. I just am trying to keep some space so she can get back to her old self and I want to try and get her back. I really believe in her heart that she just couldn't deal with everything at once and I unfortunately was factored into the "stress" part of her life.

[ecojeanne]

so damn ^^ it's about getting her back so that she will feed your self esteem again....just a thought to consider