I have a problem..

[tiffanysb]

I have been talking to this girl for nearly 2 months..
She has this problem where shes scared to fall for people because of past experiences, and she told me shes holding back from falling for me..
I tried asking her to become exclusive because i just cant bare the fact that she might be with another guy, but she said no.
She told me she wants me to be there for her because she has a lot of problems in her life..
We act like a couple when we're alone, but only 2-3 other people know about us because she wanted to keep it confidential.
She told me once we graduate later this year we can go into a relationship.
I want to be there for her because of her past and all that she has gone through, but is it worth the pain that she causes me on a weekly basis?

[66mustanggt]

hey man what about you? and your feeling..sounds like she,s selfish...she talks about her past and the pain?.. and you have to pay for it..PLEASE...you want this girl? do this...give her some space..don,t be there at her beck and call...if she wants to hang out...say your busy...show her that you have a life with out her..she does not respect you feeling...you can PM anytime

[tiffanysb]

hey man what about you? and your feeling..sounds like she,s selfish...she talks about her past and the pain?.. and you have to pay for it..PLEASE...you want this girl? do this...give her some space..don,t be there at her beck and call...if she wants to hang out...say your busy...show her that you have a life with out her..she does not respect you feeling...you can PM anytime

Would this cause her to come to me?
I dont want to lose her..

[smackie9]

Like I always say we desire most what we can't have. Reality check here, you can't have her. There isn't anything you can do or say to make this situation to go the way you want it. She is messing with you. If a girl wants you bad enough she will not give a rat's ass what happened to her in her past. She would not let anything get in her way. She is using you for the attention you are willing to give her. She doesn't want anyone to know or see you together as a couple because she is embarrassed of you publicly. The things she tells you is BS. There will be no relationship waiting for you after graduation. Thing about it....why does this all have to wait after graduation? She feeding you a line dude. You are blind my friend. There's a reason why your head and heart hurts so bad.....because it's telling you this whole thing is bad for you, it's all wrong. Your emotions are in conflict. You can keep clawing at the cliff's edge all you want, you are going down.

[tiffanysb]

That was rough, but thanks for the reply.
I do think about everything you told me, and i have tried to end it with her before, but she came back to me.
For the record i'm an attractive guy, theres nothing to be embarrassed of, she was the one to approach me to begin with.
She just seems to have major trust issues because she fell in love with a guy and they ended it during the beginning of this summer.
She told me she is still in love with this guy, he hurt her so much she doesnt want to let anyone in because of the fear of being hurt again.
Does this change anything? Do you still have the same opinion on this situation?

[smackie9]

Well she's in the same position as you. She desires most what she can't have....him. So think about it. The way you feel about her is the same way she feels about him. She doesn't want to let go just as much as you don't want to let go of her. Basically you are the rebound guy.....a distraction from her loss of him. So that's why she comes back to you.....she gets lonely and feels insecure. Now that you cleared up the embarrassment part for me, I will have to say that it seems she doesn't want him to find out she is seeing someone for it may ruin her chances (if possible) that he comes back to her. She's in no way in any mental condition to have a serious relationship and she knows it.

Sorry but she is with you for the wrong reasons.

[tiffanysb]

Well she's in the same position as you. She desires most what she can't have....him. So think about it. The way you feel about her is the same way she feels about him. She doesn't want to let go just as much as you don't want to let go of her. Basically you are the rebound guy.....a distraction from her loss of him. So that's why she comes back to you.....she gets lonely and feels insecure. Now that you cleared up the embarrassment part for me, I will have to say that it seems she doesn't want him to find out she is seeing someone for it may ruin her chances (if possible) that he comes back to her. She's in no way in any mental condition to have a serious relationship and she knows it.

Sorry but she is with you for the wrong reasons.

Thanks again for the reply, this one made me feel better.
She came to my crying yesterday because she just hung out with her ex.
Right now hes in a relationship with another girl, and this girl makes him happy.
I dont think there are any chances of them getting back together and she knows it.

[smackie9]

She may know it but she still has hope.......she's not willing to let go. The more you stay with her and be her shoulder to cry on , the more in the friends zone you will be. She needs to find herself a female best friend to help her work through this. That means you need to tell her that you can't be with her until she gets over him. If you want this to change you are going to have to let her go for now. You being with her is making her realize what's she's been missing with him. It's doing more harm to your chances than you thing. Remember nice guys finish last.

If you stay with her and be her support system, there will be a day when she shocks you and tells you she met someone else. You are going to be worse off more than ever.

[tiffanysb]

She may know it but she still has hope.......she's not willing to let go. The more you stay with her and be her shoulder to cry on , the more in the friends zone you will be. She needs to find herself a female best friend to help her work through this. That means you need to tell her that you can't be with her until she gets over him. If you want this to change you are going to have to let her go for now. You being with her is making her realize what's she's been missing with him. It's doing more harm to your chances than you thing. Remember nice guys finish last.

If you stay with her and be her support system, there will be a day when she shocks you and tells you she met someone else. You are going to be worse off more than ever.

Like i said before, the way we act now is not like friends. The way we text, the way we are when we're together. Always kissing, holding hands, getting close. She doesnt see me as such a friend and i dont see her as one either. When she has problems i try to make her feel better because i hate to see her feeling down. I think she wants to be with me like shes told me before but she cant because she still has feelings for her ex.. I'v never been in love so i dont understand this as much. Do you think shes bullshitting me? I honestly think shes not the type of person to lie.

[smackie9]

Look things are not right with what's going on is because you are doing everything wrong. I found an article that explains all that. So here's a dose of reality:

So, you met someone new and by all appearances, she is everything you're looking for in a woman. She seems to be the embodiment of all the qualities that you like and have none of the ones that you don't. Best of all, it appears that she is equally interested in you and completely gung-ho to start a relationship. As you are getting better acquainted, she mentions that she has recently ended a relationship that was fairly serious. Now, what to do? Let me tell you simply, run away!

If you don't heed my advice, you are setting yourself up to be her rebound guy. You may think that she is so amazing that you're willing to step into this position for the chance to be with her, but you are making a huge mistake. She will use you as the balm that she is looking to heal her heart with and when she realizes that you can't be that (nobody can), she will leave you. When she does, you will be left with a broken heart of your own. You really loved her, or at least were on your way to loving her, and you tried to convince yourself that the feeling was mutual. You probably knew that it wasn't if you were really honest, but you wanted to believe it so you did.

She may not be a cruel person, she probably isn't cold and calculating, out trying to hurt you. There is a good chance that she believes she is ready to be in the relationship alongside you, but she is only fooling herself. She is trying to prove to herself that she can move on and that whoever left her or caused her to leave, didn't really matter enough to hurt her. She is an independent woman, she tells herself, she doesn't need him in order to be happy. This is possibly true, she doesn't need him, but since she's already had him, she has formed an attachment that has created a temporary need of sorts.

In her kind nature, she may stay with you for a time, putting off the inevitable parting of ways that she knows you are headed for, because she really doesn't want to hurt you. Don't trick yourself into believing that you can really help her to get over him and then have her as your very own. There are several reasons that this will never happen, but primarily it is that rebound guys are often the exact opposite of the one that caused the pain she is experiencing.

This is a self-preservation mechanism kicking in to assure her that she will not ever be with another person that would do what "he" did. As time goes by and she does begin to get over the past break-up, she will begin to realize that you aren't the sort that she is usually attracted to. This will put her in a bit of a bind. She is beginning to realize what she's done and may feel some loyalty to you as you were there for her when she needed you, but at the same time, she knows that she won't be able to stay with you forever. So, now she is spending her time trying to figure out how to let you go easily.

The rebound guy doesn't ever win in the end. If you are looking for a short relationship that will leave you unfulfilled and heartbroken, stick with her and you will surely get this. But if, on the other hand, you are looking for someone that you can fall in love with and who is free to love you back, you will run the opposite direction as the newly single woman, perfect though she may seem. Don't be her rebound guy no matter what. If she really is the perfect girl for you, she will take the time to become a healthy woman again and then be ready for a smart man like you, who recognized her need for time and gave it to her. If she isn't the perfect one for you, you have just saved yourself a bit of time and a lot of pain.

[smackie9]

All I'm trying to say is that since she's still healing from her last relationship, you need to give her space to get over him. Just tell her you can't continue until she's completely over him. Sure she may find some other dude to help her heal, the thing is he's not going to win her. She will be looking for you.

[smackie9]

You may think you are doing a great thing, but look where it's getting you, it's not working. So what if she's kissing you and holding hands. She's lonely for her BF and you are filling that void. Dude she may not be intentionally using you but she is. OK I think I've said my part, whatever happens is up to you.

[cloudfa]

she's no good. you're causing yourself pain by being with her. just be alone for a while and you will find the most perfect girl who makes you happy forever