I cant make her go...

[originalsince85]

Hey all...

I'd like to start by apologizing for the length of this post but thanking you if you read through it all...

I really didn't ever see this day coming (no pun intended!). I feel it's taken some guts for me to post this as a guy!

I've slept with 7 women, and never had any trouble pleasing the previous 6. In fact the compliments I've received are really quite flattering. I have found the love of my life...and I am planning to propose on Christmas Day! We love each other deeply, and pretty much since we met have felt agreed on wanting to get married and spending our lives together. Everything is pretty much perfect, no relationship I've been in compares! It's like it's 'meant to be', if there is such a thing.

There's only one area I'm struggling with...

When it comes to sex, I have always enjoyed vocal partners, and I have good stamina which has helped when some girls can take a fair bit longer than others! My girlfriend is very quiet in bed... i can deal with that however... I can tell when she likes something, problem is, doesn't matter how much I do it, how much I mix it up, how long i go for, how quick i am, how horny i am, how loud i am, how quiet i am... i just cant seem to make her go.

She says she loves the sex, she really enjoys it...I should mention at this point she's a virgin, so it's not like she has anything to compare to. Thankfully I have received plenty of compliments in the bedroom to know I am OK in this area. Anyway... I don't know what to do, I just wonder if it's a matter of time and her getting more comfortable and used to it all. She said she's never had an orgasm.

I love this girl to bits, and it really bothers me I can't seem to ring her bell! I've tried the slow to the fast, the caressing and caring to the rough and ready... i don't need to go into too much detail...

I've tried talking to her and telling her it's ok to express herself and do whatever she likes, just go with the flow and enjoy herself, let it all out! She said to me she never gets really excited about anything though and maybe that's part of it.

She's not the kind of girl who gets horny and tells me she wants me. Hey you know what, maybe she isn't attracted to me?

Maybe she loves me to death...but doesnt find me attractive, and therefore no matter what i do....it doesnt work for her?

I think twice she has said I'm good looking but not direct compliment... not getting compliments is also something new to me, but totally fine, doesnt bother me.

I just dont know what to think....and this is really important to me! I never thought I would have this kind of 'problem'!

help? ...can anyone even relate to this?

[VincenzoG91]

A lot of women are unable to have orgasms from vaginal intercourse. Have you tried oral sex?

[originalsince85]

Thanks for the reply! Yes, I've tried oral, she really enjoys it, but never actually gets there... No matter how long it goes on for.

Feel totally lost, I've tried asking what she enjoys in particular but she says she loves it all?! The good thing is she doesn't mind asking me to do the things she does enjoy in bed.

[MrCoffee]

Is she responsive at all sexually? Does she 'enjoy her own company' to be circumspect? If so, does she seem relaxed when you're together intimately? And if so, are you spending lots (and I mean LOTS) of time on foreplay for her building up to penetration? Have you both talked about likes/dislikes and the like prior to being intimate with one another?

Whilst my own circumstance is different to your own (thread elsewhere on this forum), I can relate in a way.

[originalsince85]

Thanks Mr Coffee.

She is responsive in the fact I hear her breathing heavier when she is enjoying something, and she will squeeze me harder. Other than that....she is pretty quiet and her facial expressions or otherwise dont show much. She doesnt masturbate and I dont think she ever has, she's totally relaxed about being naked with me, doing thigns with me, and talking about it.

I have tried the soft rock romance music in the background, the lighted candles around the room, the kissing, caressing, teasing, etc.

I'm wondering if it's just taking her a while to find her groove sexually...

[MrCoffee]

I'm wondering if it's just taking her a while to find her groove sexually...

If she's still quite young then possibly; I was my wife's first and only boyfriend prior to our getting married, and leaving aside our own personal circusmstance, it took a great deal of time for her to be relaxed enough with herself to orgasm. Annoyingly the more someone is anxious about it, the less likely it is to happen for her. At the risk of being blunt, is her failure (so far!) to orgasm bothering her especially or is it an ego thing for yourself?

And although it's difficult for someone to tell them they should be masturbating, it'd help matters spending some time alone letting her mind wandering and masturbating to whatever feels/comes into her mind. Masturbation is possibly the best way to learn about and understand her own sexual response. After all most of guys have our own response understood down pat pretty damned early on by doing just that.

[sweetkissesforu]

try her on top and new positions talk dirty it shows her how much u want her

[originalsince85]

Mr Coffee, i appreciate your input, and it's great to hear someone elses experiences! Kinda felt like i was standing alone there for a minute, but you probably know where I'm coming from.

She is young - only 20, and obviously hasn't been sexual in anyway prior to me!

In all honesty it's more of an ego thing for me i think! It kinda sucks I can't make my girl go, and she's the special one, the one it should be amazing with!! She doesnt ever compain about not orgasming and i dont think shes fussed in all honesty. But perhaps because shes never experienced it she doesnt realise what she's missing out on! lol!

The masturbation thing i think is interesting too, I could suggest it to her but like you say not an easy subject to approach and i really dont think shes the kinda gal that would even want to!

i think perhaps just finding a groove for the two of us togther and her especially feeling more relaxed. i think although we enjoy the sex a lot and are very open and relaxed with each other...i think she still feels concious that she may not be doing everything right etc because i have more experience than her... shes actually apologised to me several times during sex if she isnt doing it right...of course i've put a stop to that because i love her to bits and she isnt doing anything wrong!

anyway, thanks for the input dude

peace xx

[VincenzoG91]

Relaxation is important. Some women claim they can only have orgasms when they are high. Maybe she could take a long, hot bath, or you could give her a massage.

[qwertz]

Can she make herself cum when she masturbates?

Eta: just read your last reply!

[MrCoffee]

@originalsince85:

No you're not alone, and from my own experience (& therapy!) you're beau's experience is remarkably common - certainly was with mine where I'd had a couple of prior girlfriends I'd slept with and she'd had no previous experience. Getting her to stop thinking I was comparing her reactions and techniques with my previous partners took some time, even when I truthfully told she was doing great (the first time she gave me an orgasm was mindblowingly special *because* it was her).

I agree the masturbation thing won't be easy to bring up. If it is too much of a problem, there are a few other things you could try. One of the ones I read about that worked for us was getting hold of a couple of books by Nancy Friday (Women On Top and Men In Love, I think). They're collections of real people's fantasies as opposed to the overwrought writings of many erotica fiction authors. My (now) wife read both of these and was suitably 'inspired'. With the fantasies being confessed and written by real people they come across as a) very honest and not contrived/manufactured, and b) incredibly potent. The books ultimately served to raise her sexual temperature, to quote the great Alan Moore. It's not to say that this might work for your significant other, but something along similar lines might. She does sound sexually responsive, from what you write, so it's not that she has a serious problem with being turned on and sexual.

And it's not a bad thing to want to be a good lover and give your partner an orgasm. By the sounds of it you just need to be patient, spend some time on understanding what ideas and stimuli work for her and you will get there. And hopefully feel closer for having done so. Best of British!

[Raven_Skye]

I too think that it's important for her to try masturbation.. honestly, it's much easier to relax and let it (orgasm) happen if you know how it's going to feel and what it's like.. I can't believe anyone of 20 years old hasn't done that already, that does make me think that maybe she's not a very sexual person.. there are those people where sex is not a big part of their life, if that's the case for her I can't help you more I'm afraid, I've never gotten that.

[sweetkissesforu]

Mr Coffee, i appreciate your input, and it's great to hear someone elses experiences! Kinda felt like i was standing alone there for a minute, but you probably know where I'm coming from.



The masturbation thing i think is interesting too, I could suggest it to her but like you say not an easy subject to approach and i really dont think shes the kinda gal that would even want to!

Why dont you mutual masterbate that can teach you both

[kopite]

I've never met a virgin who has gone from a virgin to a filthy overnight. It takes some 'experience' before the girl fully develops her inner dirty side. Give it some time.

[Gratedwasabi]

I've never met a virgin who has gone from a virgin to a filthy overnight. It takes some 'experience' before the girl fully develops her inner dirty side. Give it some time.

Also having some experience with virgins, this is very true. It takes them a while (sometimes a long while, think a year+) to really start feeling comfortable with sex and getting into it; and for women an orgasm is 100% mental. Doesn't matter how good you're doing it if she's not there mentally, which is likely because she's nervous/worried she's not doing it right/wondering if you're enjoying it/blah blah. Just takes time, I wouldn't be concerned at all. I know it's not the most fun in the world but finding something she particularly likes and sticking with that consistently over a period of time is actually a very good way to speed up the process. She starts to feel more comfortable and relaxed with it, rather then switching up and being exposed to all these different, new, scary things.

I dated a virgin for a while who I was able to get off every time through missionary but she got terribly embarrassed with anything else and wouldn't even get close.