Atheist wants to marry Christian girlfriend. She'll only agree if he finds God.

[notsoholyroller]

To elaborate, I am a long-time atheist who has fallen in love with a devout Christian girl, and despite our vast differences, we are completely retarded for each other and get along amazingly well. I previously had no intention of ever getting married or having kids, but everything has turned upside-down from this relationship.


Here is the issue: I approached her about the idea of getting married and she responded that she could not marry anyone who did not share her belief in God. When our children begin to ask existential questions, she does not want to have opposing beliefs. She says she loves me and would not leave me if we could not marry but we would not have children. She ultimately wants a large family and I cannot be her boyfriend for years and years without being able to meet the standard of her ideal mate and not being able to facilitate her desire for children.


This just breaks my heart because I want to be the man she wants me to be, but I have a solid disbelief in the metaphysical. I studied a handful of religions in college and I can't find much truth to mysticism and it would take flying whales or something for me to believe in God. Something crazy and irrational motivated my lips to say that I would try to find God and tomorrow I'm going to church for the first time in ages.


I don't really know what I'm asking. I just need to hear some feedback on the situation. I want her more than anything in the world but if this is silly and I need to back out of this, please let me know with good reasons. I'm clearly not thinking rationally.


TL;DR: I'm an atheist. She's Christian. I want to marry her but she wants me to believe in God first. Don't know what to do. Need feedback.

[Gratedwasabi]

Wow. This is a toughie. Yikes.

Well.. are you a very anti-religion type of person? Meaning does it bother you that she's devoutly faithful? If her concern is that she wants to raise her children with her religion, take them to church, etc.., are those things you'd not have a problem with? And would even be willing to go to church, too, as long as she doesn't bug you about not being of her faith? And you wouldn't have a problem with her raising her kids to be religious? If you're comfortable with all of those things, tell her that. It's not a sin, not in Christianity, to marry someone who doesn't share your belief (as a matter of fact, it's actually kind of encouraged so they can slowly suck you over to the darkside, hahaha. Seriously, it's not at all frowned upon.)

Obviously pretending to be something you're not isn't a healthy option but hey, tell her she's welcome to try and sway you as much as you want and if your kids want to be Christian and believe in God then they can do that; they would have free will.

[notsoholyroller]

I've explained to her in detail that I don't have a problem with religious people or their practices, as long as it doesn't infringe upon the boundaries of others and they don't promote harmful ideas. If she wants to raise our kids the way she was raised, that's fine, but if the children ask me what my beliefs are, I will tell them the truth. She doesn't nag me about not being a Christian. Actually, she never mentioned any of this during our two years together until I approached her about marriage and I'm actually a little resentful of that. I feel that this was something that should have been mentioned a long time ago, but we're both in the military and she didn't think the relationship would continue to grow up to this point. As I mentioned, I'm going to church for the first time in about 6 years and I feel pretty weird about it. I don't really know why I'm doing this except to make her happy.

I'm trying to stay with her and also attend church in some strange, desperate hope that I'll have a religious epiphany and I can then marry her. None of this seems in the least bit sane but my heart is not allowing me to act rationally. Should I continue, hoping that she'll change her mind? Could I realistically just be her boyfriend for the rest of my life? Am I being an idiot?

[Mish]

Well, it looks like she won't marry anyone who doesn't believe in God. So what if you could meet her half way, what if you believed in God without buying into the whole Religiogous mumbo jumbo? What that work for you? Would that work for her? If yes, then just go with it, how hard can it be to believe in an invisible force?

[Gratedwasabi]

I'm not sure what the right answer is, notso. I'm Agnostic and I would never allow myself to be carried to church every week (I refuse to go into a church unless it's for a wedding or something) and wouldn't let me children be raised with a belief/environment that I believe is unhealthy (that is hateful and spiteful religions that have been the cause of more wars and death in our world then anything else.)

Now, it doesn't sound like you're quite as anti-religion as I so I'm really not sure what to tell you. I don't think it's realistic to expect her to be boyfriend/girlfriend with no kids forever when it clearly sounds like she wants kids. I'm not sure it's something you can work out. Sounds like either you conform or you're screwed.

[notsoholyroller]

I'm not sure what the right answer is, notso. I'm Agnostic and I would never allow myself to be carried to church every week (I refuse to go into a church unless it's for a wedding or something) and wouldn't let me children be raised with a belief/environment that I believe is unhealthy (that is hateful and spiteful religions that have been the cause of more wars and death in our world then anything else.)

Now, it doesn't sound like you're quite as anti-religion as I so I'm really not sure what to tell you. I don't think it's realistic to expect her to be boyfriend/girlfriend with no kids forever when it clearly sounds like she wants kids. I'm not sure it's something you can work out. Sounds like either you conform or you're screwed.

I'm not very fond of religion as an institution, but people are going to believe what they want to believe and I've come to terms with that. She said she would stay with me if we weren't to be married and that if she's not meant to have kids, she's not meant to have kids. I'm not sure I can believe that it wouldn't eventually tear her up later in life that she never had children.

[sweetkissesforu]

Wow. This is a toughie. Yikes.

Well.. are you a very anti-religion type of person? Meaning does it bother you that she's devoutly faithful? If her concern is that she wants to raise her children with her religion, take them to church, etc.., are those things you'd not have a problem with? And would even be willing to go to church, too, as long as she doesn't bug you about not being of her faith? And you wouldn't have a problem with her raising her kids to be religious? If you're comfortable with all of those things, tell her that. It's not a sin, not in Christianity, to marry someone who doesn't share your belief (as a matter of fact, it's actually kind of encouraged so they can slowly suck you over to the darkside, hahaha. Seriously, it's not at all frowned upon.)

Obviously pretending to be something you're not isn't a healthy option but hey, tell her she's welcome to try and sway you as much as you want and if your kids want to be Christian and believe in God then they can do that; they would have free will.

I agree with you it happens all the time some very happy unions

[nomas]

yeah, it sounds like you're both very strong in your convictions and, based on what you've provided, it sounds like you're in a situation where something's gotta give; and nothing's gonna. like you said, short of you having a miraculous experience that will change your beliefs (doubtful scenario) these differences are too strong for there to be a good future in the relationship. you will be tempted to find many excuses to overlook this issue, considering lying to her and yourself, trying to convince yourself that this is not a big deal and you can get through it, but I think in the long run it will catch up to you. You seem to be too adamant about your beliefs (which are also my beliefs, btw, and i think you should be sincere about them as you are being). It seems like she is also. Unless you can sit down and come to a compromise which you will both be REALISTICALLY be okay with, it doesn't seem like you can be together..at this point.

Again, I stress "REALISTIC" because you have to be careful of yourselves letting the heart get the better of your rationalization and fooling yourselves into accepting terms which you will truly NOT be able to be comfortable with in the long run.

[MerryH]

I think you should go to your girlfriend's church this weekend. Don't approach it like you're wanting to convert or be saved or something, but go see what it's like. See if this is something you can even deal with having in your hypothetical future family. Go as far as speaking with a church leader in private after the service. Ask for their thoughts about converting in order to get married. It'll either reassure you or make you run the other way.

Also, ask your girlfriend what she and/or her church believe with regards to non-Christians. It's not that nice. In my experience, they sort of speak down about you. I mean, you're basically what's wrong with the world. (Bear in mind that I'm referring to a very tolerant, accepting, non-crazy sect.) As a non-Christian, that's about the only thing that bothers me about my loved ones being Christians. It's kind of difficult to accept the fact that some of the most important people in my life think I'm what's wrong with the world, even though they never ever mention it and are totally wonderful about our differences. So this is one issue that might come up even if you both respect each others' beliefs - they're just going to clash. That's the way it is.

[Zabrinah]

I like what MerryH had to say and I definitely agree with that comment.

It is kind of unfortunate that you have both fallen in love, and have just NOW reached that impasse. There is an episode of True Life on MTV (it is free to watch on their website) about inter-religion couples and the struggles they face. They tend to fight a lot.

A friend once gave me a metaphor for what it is like to be in a relationship and be very devoted to God at the same time. Here is something that might be very interesting to know about:


Imagine a triangle. At the very top point, there is God. On one of the side points, is your girlfriend, and on the end is you. So, as she gets closer to God, she gets closer to the top, and incidentally farther away from you. Let's say you were Christian as well, and also developing a relationship with God. Then, you would be getting closer to the top of the triangle, and incidentally closer to her as she got to the top (this metaphor really becomes clear once you actually envision or look at a triangle).

I hope that made sense and gave you some insight. Once my friend told it to me, it really cleared up some things in my life.


***
Author of the blog: How NOT to Fall in Love

[Gratedwasabi]

I also like Merry's idea of going to speak to one of the Church's leaders after the service (usually the pastor or whomever they have is more then happy to speak privately) and kind of spill out your situation. Usually pastors and such are much more open to people of different/non-religions as it is kind of their job to "guide those whom need guiding" and you fall under that category :p
Maybe he'll have some words of wisdom or a suggestion, hopefully beyond "why don't you start coming to our services every week."

[ammi00]

My first question is: are you sure you're an atheist and you know exactly what that means?
The idea of going to their Church is a good one, after all you have nothing to lose. BUT I believe it's ignorant and selfish from your girlfriend's part to practically impose you her beliefs. It isn't quite nice to do that to your partner. You have all the rights in the world to believe (or not) in whatever you want and your beliefs (and ultimately your actions) shouldn't be limited by all kind of conditions.
What do you do if after you get married, she'll start coming up with more pretensions?

[hello1]

I can understand why she would want a religious husband, she wants a religious family. Can you give her that? no not really, you can lie and pretend you believe in God but also do you really want to raise your children with a religion when your an atheist? You two are not suited together, this is going to cause huge problems in the future and she will never be happy with you not believing. If my boyfriend said He would not marry me till I believed then I would properly have to end it, I would not want to raise a family in something I did not believe.

[doppelgaenger]

I'll give you my insight as an atheist and how I would deal with this kind of situation.

To elaborate, I am a long-time atheist who has fallen in love with a devout Christian girl, and despite our vast differences, we are completely retarded for each other and get along amazingly well. I previously had no intention of ever getting married or having kids, but everything has turned upside-down from this relationship.

I applaud you. Credit is certainly due here.

Here is the issue: I approached her about the idea of getting married and she responded that she could not marry anyone who did not share her belief in God.

But so what? At first you didn't even want to get married or have kids. You changed your personal goals in order to make her happy and be with her. To have a successful relationship means to compromise and her stubborn attitude demonstrates she's not willing to have that.

When our children begin to ask existential questions, she does not want to have opposing beliefs.

In other words, she wants to indoctrinate her children into her own beliefs. I think she has this attitude because she knows that Christianity is full of all kinds of shit and introducing any kind of opposing view early on might subject them to cynical/critical attitudes toward religious themes. What is better for your hypothetical children: assimilating/indoctrinating them into their mother's lifestyle/beliefs to make her happy, or giving them an unbiased education/upbringing and letting them decide for themselves? This is a discussion you should have with her.

She says she loves me and would not leave me if we could not marry but we would not have children. She ultimately wants a large family and I cannot be her boyfriend for years and years without being able to meet the standard of her ideal mate and not being able to facilitate her desire for children.

Like I said earlier, you're just going to have to compromise. If you really want to have your way with her, study the bible a little yourself. There are all kinds of passages you can use against her; everything from women not having any rights/must obey their husband, to no sex before marriage. In my opinion, she's living a contradictory style Christian life.

This just breaks my heart because I want to be the man she wants me to be, but I have a solid disbelief in the metaphysical. I studied a handful of religions in college and I can't find much truth to mysticism and it would take flying whales or something for me to believe in God. Something crazy and irrational motivated my lips to say that I would try to find God and tomorrow I'm going to church for the first time in ages.

I know how you feel. I was raised by my grandpa who was an ordained lutheran pastor, with a master degree in history/theology. I studied for thirteen years at private Lutheran schools, I've studied the bible thoroughly and in multiple languages, as well as other religions. I don't believe in any of that hooey, lol. You've been pretty good by remaining nonjudgmental. She on the other hand has not - contradiction in itself; out of context, there are passages in the bible that teach the readers not to judge others.

[VincenzoG91]

Organized religion is about control. Sheep need a shepherd. Spirituality doesn't necessarily have anything to do with organized religion. Find out if your girlfriend needs you to be a church-going organized religion kind of guy, or if she could live with you just being a guy who believes in God but doesn't go to church. The distinction is important, because that will you tell if she is always going to try to control and change you, or if she is capable of compromise. Cause if this is just about control, then run while you can.

Now, if she's okay with you being spiritual but not church-going, you should dig deep into your atheism. I've been an atheist for a really long time, pretty much since I found out about Santa Claus. My deep-down gut instinct is that there is no God or gods or anything, just us. But people are so afraid of the utter finality of death that they have been telling themselves elaborate and comforting stories about reincarnation or afterlife since day one. And other people have exploited those fears to take control of them. That said, it really sucks being an atheist at a funeral, because you are forced to confront that finality without any possible comfort. And in general, people of faith do seem happier than atheists, on average. So what do you gain by being an atheist, and what do you lose? Weigh those things carefully, and if you just don't think that you will find faith, leave this woman and find someone more suitable.