Atheist wants to marry Christian girlfriend. She'll only agree if he finds God.

[Boisdevie]

One way or another this is not gonna work - who's gonna compromise? You. OK, if you really want to try to find God go ahead but I don't think you will.
OH, and I"m an atheist who does not belive the 'sky fairy' exists

[Junket]

You'll just resent her when the honeymoon phase fizzles, and once she realizes that you didn't mean anything you said, she'll resent you too.

[liamchico]

Wow. I have thought a lot about htis issue as well.
The main problem is that you cannot simply become religious because you WANT to. True belief does not work like that. There's something called Pascal's Wager, it's worth looking up if you're interested. Just because you want to believe doesn't mean you do. (the same way religion works... just because you wish there were a god does not mean there is...)
She must realize this, right? Blackmailing you into "finding God" will not make you religious, will not 'save your soul', will not make you a better person on the inside. It will merely make you PRETEND, simply for her benefit. It would be an act, and you would both grow very bitter over time.
What you can do is tell her that you promise to keep an open mind, and more importantly, always respect her beliefs. If that is not enough for her... I'm sorry, but she clearly does not respect YOUR beliefs. Personally I would never want a relationship with someone that black-and-white about your characteristics. If she won't love you or who you truly are, just end it. It's for the best.

[Boisdevie]

Run away run away

[Sonrisa]

Run away run away

why so negative?

[Radarsonar]

As Christian faith is a form of retardedness I'd steer well clear. Can you think of any way this is not going to end in shambles?

Also, there are a depressing amount of born-agains already, do society a favour and don't add to the number...

[julygirl]

Dear Notso..

you never know what you might find...if you keep your mind open, you just might surrprise yourself

[notsoholyroller]

In other words, she wants to indoctrinate her children into her own beliefs. I think she has this attitude because she knows that Christianity is full of all kinds of shit and introducing any kind of opposing view early on might subject them to cynical/critical attitudes toward religious themes. What is better for your hypothetical children: assimilating/indoctrinating them into their mother's lifestyle/beliefs to make her happy, or giving them an unbiased education/upbringing and letting them decide for themselves? This is a discussion you should have with her.

A cursory examination of this would lead the observer to assume that it's about indoctrination. I think it's a little less sinister than this and more about raising her kids in a family that is as close-knit as her own. She has a great support system. I envy that and I can understand that desire because my own family is mostly broken and there is a void there. I agree with you that children should be exposed to different perspectives and I don't think she would shelter them. She just doesn't want any sort of rift between the parents.

Like I said earlier, you're just going to have to compromise. If you really want to have your way with her, study the bible a little yourself. There are all kinds of passages you can use against her; everything from women not having any rights/must obey their husband, to no sex before marriage. In my opinion, she's living a contradictory style Christian life.

I have already compromised as much as I am comfortable with. I attended church on Sunday. Why I picked Lutheran is anyone's guess. I felt incredibly out of place. I should have researched my denominations a little better. The issue here is that she is not willing to compromise. But I can't fault her for having standards. They are that valuable to her. I will continue to go to church because I said I would. That is the decision that I made. She didn't force my hand.

She on the other hand has not - contradiction in itself; out of context, there are passages in the bible that teach the readers not to judge others.

I know she doesn't judge me for my lack of faith. She is with me and she loves me. She just can't compromise on her standard. This is all really tragic.

[notsoholyroller]

As Christian faith is a form of retardedness I'd steer well clear. Can you think of any way this is not going to end in shambles?

Also, there are a depressing amount of born-agains already, do society a favour and don't add to the number...

I can't, with an open-mind dismiss all of Christianity as trash. It is a source of values for many and a lot of the philosophies have validity in my opinion. I've come to the conclusion that because I love her truly and completely, I will stay with her despite the fact that it will probably end in heartbreak. I value our love and my time with her above all else and if and when the time comes where we need to part ways, I will let her go without any grudge or regret. It will sting, but I will take the hit. I don't consider that end a disaster. Tragic, yes. But it is devoid of malice and the purest expression of my love for her.

[notsoholyroller]

Wow. I have thought a lot about htis issue as well.
The main problem is that you cannot simply become religious because you WANT to. True belief does not work like that. There's something called Pascal's Wager, it's worth looking up if you're interested. Just because you want to believe doesn't mean you do. (the same way religion works... just because you wish there were a god does not mean there is...)
She must realize this, right? Blackmailing you into "finding God" will not make you religious, will not 'save your soul', will not make you a better person on the inside. It will merely make you PRETEND, simply for her benefit. It would be an act, and you would both grow very bitter over time.
What you can do is tell her that you promise to keep an open mind, and more importantly, always respect her beliefs. If that is not enough for her... I'm sorry, but she clearly does not respect YOUR beliefs. Personally I would never want a relationship with someone that black-and-white about your characteristics. If she won't love you or who you truly are, just end it. It's for the best.

She isn't blackmailing me. I initiated the conversation about taking the next step in the relationship. I wasn't expecting such an impasse. I was initially angry that after two years she failed to mention her stipulation about marriage. I could hold it against her, but that wouldn't solve anything. I can't be bitter about this because I know now that I can't place any blame just because she has standards and integrity.

[notsoholyroller]

Organized religion is about control. Sheep need a shepherd. Spirituality doesn't necessarily have anything to do with organized religion. Find out if your girlfriend needs you to be a church-going organized religion kind of guy, or if she could live with you just being a guy who believes in God but doesn't go to church. The distinction is important, because that will you tell if she is always going to try to control and change you, or if she is capable of compromise. Cause if this is just about control, then run while you can.

Now, if she's okay with you being spiritual but not church-going, you should dig deep into your atheism. I've been an atheist for a really long time, pretty much since I found out about Santa Claus. My deep-down gut instinct is that there is no God or gods or anything, just us. But people are so afraid of the utter finality of death that they have been telling themselves elaborate and comforting stories about reincarnation or afterlife since day one. And other people have exploited those fears to take control of them. That said, it really sucks being an atheist at a funeral, because you are forced to confront that finality without any possible comfort. And in general, people of faith do seem happier than atheists, on average. So what do you gain by being an atheist, and what do you lose? Weigh those things carefully, and if you just don't think that you will find faith, leave this woman and find someone more suitable.

I agree with everything you said. I have no fondness for religious institution and I'm pretty entrenched in my atheism. However, I value my love for her above all else. With that, I'll suffer through it and let her go if I need to without any grudge.

[red_sparrow]

LOL.

the solution is simple: LIE.
it's what i've had to do with my family for 22 years of my life. there is no shame in just admitting that you've 'found God.' Big deal. I'm sure your GF won't find your account on atheism.com

[bluesummer]

I could never marry someone who wanted to feed my children's minds with something I completely disagree with. I mean, if anything she should meet you halfway and not raise them as a Christian OR an atheist. Let them choose on their own.

I can't believe this issue only came up between you now. The first thing I asked my husband when we started dating was whether or not he was religious. I would have dumped him immediately if he was, simply because I know I couldn't have a relationship with someone who was. Love doesn't conquer all, whatever the movies tell you.

[lovesjoyajm]

Doppel is full of insight, as usual. You should take what she believes and turn it against her. That will make her decide to be an atheist, AND love you more. Win-win!

Being open-minded can only get you so far (for both of you); even if you want to be with her more than anything in the world, you can't just "decide" to believe in God. You can profess faith, and want to believe in her religion to make her happy, but don't you think she would see through it if you told her, "Ok, I believe in God now - let's get married"? If you believe in the way of life proscribed by her religion and can live by it, then I think you have a chance. If it goes against the core of your ideology, I think the relationship is doomed.

[twinrexes]

I'm married to a devout Christian. I'm Jewish but wasn't raised with any religious indoctrination at all. No concept of God.

It was enough for my husband to know that I believe there is something greater than ourselves, that I have a spiritual side. And since I had no plans for children, we didn't see a problem with getting married. Well, at age 45, I found out I was pregnant, surprise, surprise. And we now have a beautiful little boy who will be five in March.

I was happy to leave our son's religious upbringing to my husband. They go to Church together every Sunday and I stay home. No pressure.

I talk with my little one about God when he asks, but I explain that Daddy is the expert and can answer his questions better. And I agree with a previous poster that folks who are believers are generally happier. The finality of death terrifies me. I'd rather my son be offered the security of belief, and be able to "opt out" later if he so chooses.