Flirting with ex-girlfriend who has new boyfriend?

[Everestil]

Hi everyone,

You may have seen my post in love advice "Getting back with previous girlfriend who has a new boyfriend"..
I have shorten the text down,because it was too long for the viewers to read :-P

So basically: My ex-girlfriend has a new boyfriend for 1 month.. Our relationship lasted 2 years and has ended 2 years ago..
She really wants to be friends and I told her that it's too hard for me and that I would like to be friends when I want to be friends for 100% and really want to see her.. I told her this because a few months ago when I told her I was completely over her, all of her irritations towards me in our relationship got away.. I wished her goodluck (also with her relationship) and told her I would be calling her if I wanted to be friends.. Since we got in contact again, she always contacted me and could take "no" for an answer when I told her I wanted to stop the contact.. She we decided to not meet, but that a little bit of chitchat on msn messenger wouldn't hurt, but as soon as I come online she begins talking to me, so that is why I said it also, no contact.. I don't want to be the guy to which she comes to to tell everything because her current boyfriend doesn't have time or anything.. Or she comes to me for the things she misses in her current relationship.. Have I made the right decision here?

To make a really long post short: I don't want that, I want her for all the things that she does! You can read the post in love advice for some more explanation and maybe give some advice there aswell..

But how can I be flirty with her when we meet again and when should we meet again? Is flirty good because she is in a realtionship or will it put her defense mechanism up?
By flirting I mean a little teasing, bringing her down and then up again, slighty playful touching her..

You may ask why I want to do it and that it is wrong because she is dating and normally it would be.. But she's just the one for me and I know that if we could get back togehter it would be awesome and I guess she has been missing me too and I could see it in her eyes.. She even started crying when I was talking about my feelings and said how difficult it was for me.. And oh the boyfriend is (read: was) a friend of mine, so yeah **** him!

[dan2k7]

If your overall desire is to win her back I would personally maintain minimum contact with her and keep busy. If she does still care for you as much as you think she will only seriously want you back if she fears you are moving on in your life and meeting new people etc. Continuing to flirt with her will do you no favours as it only indicates that you are still a back up for her if this other guy doesn't work out.

[Everestil]

Ok, thanks for your input on this! Well the previous week when I told her I went out a lot and was meeting new people, she felt strange about it she told me because of the fact that I normally don't do that.. Not in our relationship anyway..
But lets say that in a month or 2 I contact her with the question of meeting again because I now feel like we can be friends and there are no hard or strange feelings.. Is this a good thing or just wait till they breakup?
That's the reason why I also said that I will contact her if I feel the urge I really want to meet her and not just when it isn't strange anymore, so maybe in a week I will feel fine, but that doesn't mean that I want to see her..

I thought that when their honeymoon period is over, I could sweep in and become the neutral friend and just build up a good relationship as friends and when things go bad with them try to support her and show her that I am better as her current boyfriend?
Really don't know what to do and certainly don't know when to do it..
So when should I make contact with her again?

Already thanks for your input!

[dan2k7]

Like I said I personally wouldn't do any of the trying to squeeze in when things are going bad so to speak. If she cares enough for you she will make serious steps to come back and try and win you over. I am not just talking occasional text here and there, she is only testing to see if you are still a back up for her. Honestly friend, no contact and lots of getting out there is the best thing to do. Even if she does text/ring, don't be in a rush to reply, take a day or so and if she asks why, just say you are busy meeting new people etc. Doing things this way tests how much you mean to her, if she fails the test so to speak you know you would have only wasted your time and effort trying to get back with her

[Radarsonar]

Yeah the last thing you wanna do is show her you still care and want to get back together. Keep her off-balance, and keep contact to an absolute minimum. Don't call her yourself, if you meet her just say hello and move on.

This may sound a bit cruel but it's the principle of self-preservation. Don't set yourself up so you can get hurt. After all, who's to see she won't be pining after someone else after you're back together?

[Everestil]

Indeed that's true, and going out really helped me to move over her, but the thing is that each time I see her or just smell her parfum, there is something inside of me that just connects and she also said that there is a connection..
But I said that I would text her if I was OK with everything and wanted to meet and I think that she will never text me if I don't text her first.. So basically she will never text me, even if she desperatly want to meet, or am I wrong with this?
And will she eventually text me, even if I didn't have called her in 2-3 months?

In the past, she always contacted me after a while, even if I said that I required some time, but this lays way deeper and she also knows it, so I am having doubts..
And first I said that she may call me when she wants to meet, but then I am saying that I will always be there for her when SHE needs me and not the way around.. So that's why I said that I should take the first step when I really want to see her.. But now I think that this will stop her from texting me, or am I really wrong about this?

Really appreciate your help so far, dan2k7!

[Radarsonar]

Before anything can happen she must break up with her current boyfriend at least.

Saying you'll always be there for her when she needs you is bad btw, it sets you up to get taken advantage of.

[Everestil]

Before anything can happen she must break up with her current boyfriend at least.

Saying you'll always be there for her when she needs you is bad btw, it sets you up to get taken advantage of.

Indeed I know this, and that's why I said that I will contact her and don't want her to do it first..
Just in the moment I forgot it so I tried to correct my mistake..

So You would avoid contact during their relationship?
So no friends to let her see that we still have a connection and I am good fun and easy to talk to and stuff like that?
Just no contact for the rest of their relationship? Because I don't want to become the guys who she talks to when her current boyfriend doesn't have the time or doesn't understand these things..
And what if their honeymoon stage is over? Could I then sweep in? And just act normal like friends?

Also thanks for your input!

[Radarsonar]

Indeed I know this, and that's why I said that I will contact her and don't want her to do it first..
Just in the moment I forgot it so I tried to correct my mistake..

So You would avoid contact during their relationship?
So no friends to let her see that we still have a connection and I am good fun and easy to talk to and stuff like that?
Just no contact for the rest of their relationship? Because I don't want to become the guys who she talks to when her current boyfriend doesn't have the time or doesn't understand these things..
And what if their honeymoon stage is over? Could I then sweep in? And just act normal like friends?

Also thanks for your input!

Yeah that would be my advice in a nutshell. If you contact her now you'll either be the friend she whines to about her boyfriend or you'll be the secret lover because she's bored with her relationship. Either way you won't become her steady boyfriend, even if they do break up eventually. Also, from a moral standpoint, messing up relationships is not a very nice thing to do.

On the other hand, if you keep contact limited as long as she's together with him she'll keep her respect for you and might long for you even more. After the break up you should not sweep in instantly but give her time to get over the relationship. If you start ****ing her while she's still emotionally vulnerable she'll resent you for it.

And the best advice of all: don't get your hopes up! Don't wait too long for her and don't ruin any chances you might have with someone else just because of "she might want me back...". Good luck

[Everestil]

Yeah that would be my advice in a nutshell. If you contact her now you'll either be the friend she whines to about her boyfriend or you'll be the secret lover because she's bored with her relationship. Either way you won't become her steady boyfriend, even if they do break up eventually. Also, from a moral standpoint, messing up relationships is not a very nice thing to do.

On the other hand, if you keep contact limited as long as she's together with him she'll keep her respect for you and might long for you even more. After the break up you should not sweep in instantly but give her time to get over the relationship. If you start ****ing her while she's still emotionally vulnerable she'll resent you for it.

And the best advice of all: don't get your hopes up! Don't wait too long for her and don't ruin any chances you might have with someone else just because of "she might want me back...". Good luck

Yeah I think that is indeed the best advice that you can give someone! I am meeting new people and really enjoy this and there is also 1 person that I really want to know a little bit better, so I am also open for her when we really connect.. So the thoughts of my ex wouldn't come between us, but I think that if I keep seeing my ex that my feelings will go further and futher because of the time we spent togheter and that I will ruin my chances with the other girl because of my feelings towards my ex-girlfriend.

This is the also the reason why I asked her to not stay in contact for a while.. When I start the contact again, she knows that I am over her and that I really moved on and am ok with her and her new boyfriend.. And she will respect that and she is not limited in the things that she will say or do because she will have the feeling that I have moved on and really don't have to have her in my life... We will begin with a clean slate and not take our friendship for granted and that now I'm ready for it for 100%


I think I will combine the 2 statements.. I will not have contact with her for let's say 2 months or maybe more, depends on how I am feeling and how my personal life is going with someone else.. I will just start talking to her in a friendly way and asking her how she has been (not mentioning her ex-boyfriend or should I best do it to let her know that I am ok with this?).. She will probably ask to meet because of my birthday that is this month and she said this weekend that she was going to buy me something silly because I bought her a pacifier for the joke.. I will shedule this in a week from that point because I have lots of other stuff to do.. We will have a great time and laugh and we will probably have a great connection.. After this I will not contact her and see when she contacts me back and I will be cool about it and reply the day after.. Just keep the contact minimal, and if she asks for a date, I will meet her when I have the time.. I just want to give her the message that I don't need her, but it's cool to have her in my life.. Should I also ask her out for an occasion or just let her ask me out, never the way around?

And yeah I will try not to get my hopes up.. You see, when we had that little talk the previous days, my whole look on things changed and it made me realise that we just needed to talk more and be honest! I regret that we didn't talk this serious about the things that were happening then, but everything seemed perfect and when it went away, she always told me that these irritations would go away from their own.. I know her really well and I could see in her eyes that she also realised this and that things would have been different if we had this talk a little earlier, but she has a new boyfriend now and she doesn't want to give that up and see where things are going she told me.. And maybe we would fit anymore as a couple and I mostly agreed on that! These talks have clearly lifted the air about everything and now we can begin on a clean slate and yeah I think, I know that one day we will be back togheter, but I don't want to give up other things in my life for this.. So I still will be meeting new people and who knows...

Your help is much appreciated, Radarsonar!
I hope that this method of mine is something you can agree to that is a good method of reconnecting and leaving everything open between us?

Cheers from Belgium ;-)