lame question

[Vander]

So I apologize in advance for the lameness of this question and my situation, but I just need some good advice and figure there are a lot of people out there more experienced than I.

So here's the deal -- I recently fell for a girl in a different city (we'll call her GIRL A). She's beautiful, funny, amazing, charming, and genuinely makes me happy -- we could be best friends. We've been on a few extraordinary dates, but she's wrestling with some feelings / hurts from her ex boyfriend. They dated for a really long time, and from what she tells me, even though they've been broken up for over a year, she's not sure if she's ready for a new relationship. I told her that was fine as I can be patient and give her space that she needs. We took a little break from talking to each other, and then we reconnected a few weeks later and things seemed to be going well, but then her ex boyfriend came back to town and she seems uncomfortable and distant as a result. Even though I think she really likes me (we hold hands, and have a blast when we're together), I get the feeling like she's still working through those feelings and just doesn't know how to tell me. So I just told her that I really liked her, wanted to see her again, but would let her initiate that if she is interested in the future. She's an amazing woman with outstanding character and I really want the best for her even if that's not me.

Since then (as in like a couple days after the conversation with GIRL A), I've hung out a few times with a girl in the city in which I live (let's call her GIRL B). She's also beautiful, charming, etc., but is very different from GIRL A as well. I'm a self proclaimed Christian, even though I have numerous faults and am easily a hypocrite to my own faith -- which is something I wrestle with quite a bit. Whereas the budding relationship I mentioned above with GIRL A is intentionally innocent and beautiful in it's own way (i.e. holding hands is all the physicality i need), this new woman is more experienced. We've only hung out a couple times casually, and one night we made out and had some light, mutual petting (clothes on). It probably could have gone farther, but I'm glad it didn't... as i'll explain in a bit.

All of this has happened while I've still been "talking" to GIRL A. I know i'm not "in a relationship" per se with either of these girls, but I've never been one to cheat, and I have just felt so ashamed for leading someone on without knowing what it is that i want. I know a lot of people play the field and date around, but the fact that I told someone that I liked them and would be patient with them, and then made out with a new girl a week later just makes me feel like a scumbag.

In addition to all of this, I'm trying to work through my own beliefs. I always wanted to remain abstinent till marriage, but have already failed that. Recently I've been trying to work on this aspect of my life and keep myself more focused on building a strong relationship than a sexual one, and I think in my heart I don't want to have sex with anyone (oral or otherwise), but obviously my male body sometimes has a mind of its own. Thus, I'm glad it didn't go any further with GIRL B than it did. GIRL A shares my beliefs and I know that if we ended up in a relationship it would be pure, but as of right now I have no idea what she wants, and no foreseeable timeline as to when she'll know.

And please don't hear me say that GIRL B is a bad person. I think she's wonderful, and certainly not a * * * * , but we haven't talked about our beliefs or anything -- as I'm sure many of you have experienced, it's been much more flirtatious in nature from the start (we met at a bar).

My dilemma (aside from over thinking this whole situation) is that I honestly think I would like to be with GIRL A. However, she knows how I feel and honestly may just not be interested in a relationship. As I mentioned, I'm willing to wait, but at some point you have to move on. I don't want to give up on her yet (especially because I told her I wouldn't unless she asked me to), but also don't want to wait around forever.

Furthermore, I just feel awful for leading on GIRL B. I like her too, but its certainly a different type of like. It could lead to something more substantial as well, but I don't want it to become a sexual relationship. I think she'd be fine with that, but we would just need to have some conversations we haven't had yet about what we believe, want, etc. And I don't want to be that guy that makes out with someone and never calls back.

Again, I am NOT in a relationship with either woman. My mind is telling me to feel guilty and ashamed of making out with a girl while I'm still talking to another girl... even though there's no relationship. Part of me feels like I should just confess everything to both women and apologize for making advances towards GIRL B, and another part of me is saying that this isn't as big a situation as I'm making it out to be, and to just keep GIRL B at arms length until I better understand where things are at with GIRL A... but that kind of feels douchebaggish (sp?) to me.

Anyways, suffice to say I've probably thought about this too much, but it's good to just get it out there. If anyone has any good advice I'd love to hear it. Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.

[smackie9]

Keep your belief in God, be the best good and honest person you can be, ditch the religion so you don't wreck your life constantly living with guilt....it's not healthy. If you want to follow Christian belief you have to put in 100% and totally change your life and ONLY date girls with a strong Christain faith. You are only half assing it so I really don't see the point of you being a part of it. Just my two cents.

Secondly, you are wasting your time with girl A. If you are not able to make her forget about the ex, you are not doing it for her. She's just stringing along so she can use you as a buffer from her hurt and loneliness. You are a rebound guy....get out!

As for girl B, tell her there will be no sex until marriage if you want to continue to date her....which is something you NEED to explain to anyone who you date because, lets be face it....there's very few who follow this belief and wouldn't be happy if they invested their time waiting for that next step in a relationship only to be told there won't be one. Sexual compatability is an important part of keeping a marriage sucessful....you can't live on love alone. You could end up with someone that's up tight and frigid....good luck enjoying that for 30 40 years.


If you want to keep this no sex thing, I recommend you go on Christain dating sites so it will elimniate the question of ones beliefs. Or find a nice girl to date at church.

[Vander]

Smackie -- thanks for the response.

I think you're right about Girl A. I think I just need to tell her that I'm moving on. If she changes her mind i'm sure she'll let me know, but i don't want to wait around for that unless she gives me a doable timeline.

In regards to my beliefs, you're right. I haven't been doing it very well at all, and it's something I want to change. It hasn't been easy, and obviously i nearly fell back into the same old things just the other night. And I hope my desire to not have sex doesn't come off as me being on a high horse, cause I have no right to talk like that (after all, i initiated things the other night). I have no idea where Girl B stands on sex and faith, but I guess we need to have that talk before we go forward (since we're not even "dating" each other). Also, I think you're right about the guilt thing too, cause I definitely feel guilty about "playing" 2 girls at once... even though i'm sure a lot of people out there have done a lot worse. it just makes me feel like a terrible person out for my own selfish desires.

anyways, as i mentioned, i've been a terrible hypocrite, which is something i want change. im kind of fed up with a double life or double standards that i used to partake in, and just want to do it right. Girl A is definitely along the lines of the nice girl from Church that shares my belief. That's where i met her after all. But maybe i need to just drop them both until i get things straightened out. Thanks again for the insight... and no, i don't hate you for being honest! =)

[Zaza]

i think you're over analyzing the situation a bit. you said it yourself that you're not in a relationship with either woman, right? thus, neither needs to know that information. however, at some point you've gotta make a decision. i think Girl A is either hanging on to you like a loose thread... just enjoying something to play with, but then again there's a chance she might like you and just be struggling to understand new feelings. happens to the best of women sometimes. regardless, i wouldn't get your hopes up. if you told her you'd like to see her again, call her up at some point and just ask her where she stands on seeing you again. don't pressure her, but be firm about where you stand and that you need direction... and let her know that no direction means "bye bye"

as for Girl B, it sounds to me like she's just second fiddle to you right now... perhaps a way to release your frustration with Girl A. Good thing you didn't get in too deep (no pun intended). I'm no girl, so I can't tell you if you should just cut off contact with her or have a convo with her. Then again, you might just find out you want to give her a shot. But if you're serious about holding yourself to a new standard, you've gotta come clean about that and be careful. if she can't accept that or is hesitant about it, it's not going to work, and as you said, you don't want to fall into your same old games. if she's too much of a temptation let her down easy.

just my thoughts

[smackie9]

I have a question. Why do you feel you have to try and follow strict Christian beliefs? It's one thing to be raised Christian, but it another to drop a life you have always known, leash up and follow someone elses rules which totally changes every aspect of your life.

[cloudfa]

ok take this with a grain of salt but you gotta treat potential lovers as bidders. they are at the auction bidding for your love and the one who gives the highest bid wins. holding hands is great but in my opinion that is still the friend zone.

you got it pretty good bro just remember to feel no guilt towards either of the girls. if one girl knows and gets upset for you bein friends with the other then you know who is the best one for you.

[Vander]

Zaza -- thanks for the post. good to hear other peoples perspective / affirmation

Smackie -- good question. you're right, i was raised Christian and for most of my life didn't really think anything of it. my beliefs were really just an extension of my parents. however, growing up i grew to accept these beliefs for myself and truly believe in them. it's not about the strictness at all, and when you said give up the religion you hit the nail on the head. my faith / belief isn't dependent on how "good" i am or how well i follow some rules, but rather is simply an outpouring of the appreciation i have for God and what he has done for me in my life. that's my experience anyways.

in terms of not wanting to have sex anymore, i just feel like it's not the type of thing i should do. i think about getting married someday, and ultimately that's the one relationship i really want to make count and make work. additionally, i want to try to live my life the way i believe God would want me to live it, and i don't believe he wants me to have sex without attachments. it's not about "taking away the fun," i think in the long run it's probably the better choice. but obviously, i'm still wrestling with my own beliefs, and working out what that means.

i've definitely been on both sides of the fence, and though i've always believed in God, I haven't always lived for him if that makes sense. just want to do it better in the future for me, not for anyone else. really it's not about the rules.

as a separate question, i'd like to know if it sounds like i'm cheating or am a toolbag... or, as Zaza said, if im just over thinking everything.