Completely hung up on ex who has new girlfriend..insight PLEASE!!!

[missnw]

I would like to get anyones opinion both guys and girls please! Give me some insight!

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me about 6 months ago. His reason for breaking up with me was because he couldn't trust me. This was apparently because he went through my phone and found text messages from an old guy friend who I had recently seen at a wedding. The messages were innapropriate (hitting on me) and obviously I didn't write back, which he could clearly tell because he went through my entire phone. He played it off like "he had had enough" he has had some weird trust issues and gone through my phone before and gotten jealous about text messages from guy friends and whatnot. We were both crying and I felt completely out of control and did the total wrong thing and wrote him a desperate email the next day (wrong move, and way too soon). We hung out twice after this, hooked up once, but I knew things were over. After that I tried to play it cool and not contact him, hoping he'd come back, obviously he did not.

The next couple months he contacted me a few times, just small talk mostly. I was trying so hard to get over him and cut him off so I'd never write him first but I'd write him back for the most part if he contacted me. For awhile (3-4 months after break-up) he was texting me pretty often, not really trying to make an effort to see me, but it seemed like he was trying to see what was going on in my life, how I was, etc. Finally, at like 4 months after he asked if I wanted to go to happy hour and catch up. He initated it, picked the day, asked where I wanted to go, and set it up.

The day of the happy hour (less than a month ago) he got completely rattled right before we were supposed to meet. I think it was because we hadn't actually seen each other in 4 months. He tried to back out of it, even though he was the one that set it up. His excuse was that "he was seeing someone lately, it wasn't too serious yet but he didn't want her to be insecure about meeting up with me, and he knew I wouldn't have liked it if the roles were reversed."

I called him out and said I know you're just freaked out just come over! He did. We went to happy hour, it was great, tried to keep it short and simple but he ordered more food, beers, etc we ened up staying there for like 3 hours. Neither of us brought up the new lady.

The next day he text me and told me it was great to see me. The contact has slowly dwindled. I ran into him twice recently and he was with this new girl. it was a group setting so I said hi to him, but was not introduced to her. Last week they became Facebook official and i noticed they have trip planned together! It's the worst feeling I've felt in my whole life.

I blamed myself for the break-up and felt so guily those messages hurt his feelings. Now, in hindsight, I feel like that was just an out for him. I think he was sketchier than i thought and possibly even talking to this girl at that time? I LOVE him soo much and the time we shared together good and bad. I think about him every single day and what I could have done differently. My hunch is he fell out of love with me and was looking for an out...I just feel like I don't even know him after all this time, if he couldn't even be honest with me about it and had to look for an excuse. This new girlfriend is gorgeous and I'm totally haunted by the image of them together. Is it a rebound? did he leave me for her? I know we could be great together...he is the one I want and I know he's moved on and i've accepted the break-up...I've noticed being his girlfriend (and ex girlfriend) he never completely cuts contact with the exes. I want him back and I can't stop thinkging about it. Its not because hes unavailable, its because he has made me the happiest (and the sadest now i guess) I've ever been and I think he's right for me. What do I do? Is there any hope? Is he completely over me? The thing is when I'm completely over someone i won't even give them the time of day to write/call them back. he answers/responds to every form of contact i've tried...is it just friends then?? I'm still hung up on him after 6 months and I've done allthe normal coping things. insight please!

[Boisdevie]

Let go. Move on. Find another BF - preferably somebody normal.

[twinrexes]

The qualities we find least attractive in others are the ones we're least proud of in ourselves. He can't be around people he feels aren't trustworthy because he's not to be trusted himself! He doesn't cut ties with exes. So of COURSE any evidence he can find of conversations with guys from your past will make him feel threatened. Was he with this other woman before you split? Maybe, maybe not. Would she be happy that he stays in touch with you? Doubt it. Is it healthier to break ties completely after a breakup? Yes, for at least a few months to a year, before you can really call yourselves friends. He probably stays in touch because he doesn't feel comfortable in a close, committed relationship and is always keeping other options open in case he feels the need to run.

I dated a guy many years ago who accused me of cheating with an ex (I didn't). It all made more sense to me about a year or so post-breakup. I heard he was sleeping with three different women who who all found out about each other, because he was stupid enough to choose women from the same social circle. No wonder the guy thought I was a cheater, look at what HE was capable of!

This guy did you a favor breaking up with you and that gorgeous lady he's with now is in for the same treatment you got (if she's really that hot, he'll be that much more jealous and insecure).

[carlosaugustine]

Hi Miss NW,

Before you get into how to get this guy to come back to you, perhaps you might want to consider a few points. Please recognize that I don't know you and only can make some inferences based on what you have written. So, you might want to consider this:

-Why are you guilty that the messages hurt your ex's feelings? Are you sure that you were not hanging out with the old guy friend at the wedding? You certainly had to know that the old guy friend was obnoxious and you probably should not have been hanging out with an ass like that in the first place. Or, if you weren't hanging out with him, why did he have your phone number and what would have prompted him to send obscene texts?

These are just a few questions you might want to ask yourself. You may be acting in a manner with other men that is not appropriate and you do not realize it.

[missnw]

Thank you guys, I am still having a hard time but this helps! Carlos, I do understand what you're saying...I wouldn't say I provoked innapropriate text messages but I could have done more to discourage them maybe? I was completely devoted to him though. but since he had gone through my phone numerous times because he thought he had a reason to after seeing something the first time, he basically said he couldn't put it up with it anymore. I definately learned my lesson to not be flirty whatsoever with guy friends. I am just confused about if I completely blew it by this..or if this was just an out. I am not waiting around for him, obviously he has a girlfriend but i literally can't stop thinking about him. To me it would be worth it to not talk to any guy friends that he was insecure with...I would do anything to prove I'm trustworthy, but now its too late.

I could see myself marrying this guy...and although I am heartbroken, I do want to be friends. He is an amazing person and I'd rather have in my life as a friend that not at all. SO beacuse we have been broken up for barely 6 months, and I'm guessing this new girlfriend has been around for 2 or 3 how do you make that friend transition without making him think I'm trying to screw up his new relationship? I'm just confused because I have no idea what he thinks of me. I don't even know if he knows that I'm completely heartbroken (I guess I probably don't want him too) beause he made it seem like I hurt him. Thanks to Facebook I can see that him and his new girl's relationship is moving quicker than ours did in the beginning (maybe its because we met in college) I don't know what that means or why I'm analyzing it but I guess I just want to know taht he thinks of me highly? I would hope he has good memories from our relationship although i noticed he deleted pics of us from Facebook yesterday I know I can't change the past, but I keep thinking that during the time he was texting me pretty often (2 months ago) I should have been a little more eager? Like maybe I missed a chance to reconnect? I was trying to be strong and not give him too much of my time....I know I can't dwell on this...I'm just hoping he enjoys dating other people but then maybe realizes I was good a girlfriend...I know I can't control other people or what may happen in the future but if we're never going to be together again, it just kills me that he may have ill feelings toward me or thinking a sketchy/untrustworthy girl. and we were SOOO close, why couldn't he tell me there were other feelings contributing to the break-up if there were?