Did I lose him for good?

[radrluv]

Hi there...new to the forum, & seeking some insight...maybe even some reassurance.

For the last 2 months, I had been dating the most wonderful guy. We met through the online personals & hit it off right away...I'd go as far to say that he was almost perfect. He treated me more wonderfully than anyone ever had in the past, and a little a month after we started dating we made pretty clear to eachother that we made eachother happy & didn't want to lose one another. There were no professions of undying love, but were told eachother that we made the other peaceful & blissful...and the time we spent together was just that. I think there were probably 4...maybe 5 days over 2 months that we didn't talk to eachother.

The cloud that was always looming over our blossoming relationship was that he is a First Lieutennant in the Air Force as well as a combat aviator & intelligence officer, and from the very start told me that in December he would be going on his 2nd deployment overseas, this time to Afghanistan. So right from the beginning, I knew that his time here with me in the States was limited. A few weeks before he had to leave when we had a discussion about our feelings towards one another, I had told him that I had cared enough that if I was the one he wanted when he came back in 4, possibly 6, months, that I didn't have a problem waiting. I'd been in long-distance relationships before, so 4 months was nothing to me. His response to me was that he was worried about my missing out on something better while he was gone.

On our last night together, we had a romantic dinner downtown, and he took me to the officer's club on base to meet some of his friends, and then went back downtown with his friends to see some of his favorite haunts. When we returned to his place that night, in bed he proceeded to blindside me. We started the discussion again about my waiting for him. He started off by telling me that he didn't know how he felt about me...that he didn't know what I was to him yet. He said that he liked me, but that he wasn't in love with me...he said that I happened so quickly he wasn't sure yet what he was looking for whern he started seeing me, and that I seemed to feel so much more strongly than he did. He also said that he had been thinking about 2 years into the future, when he would be due to be reassigned to a new base, and said that I seemed so firmly entrenched in my life here that he didn't think I'd want to leave, and foresaw nothing to a bad end to us because of that. Of course I protested, telling him that I didn't know what was going to happen in 2 years, and that the only reason I'd been in the same place my whole life was because I never had an opportunity or reason to leave. I also told him that I didn't understand why he wasn't content to just relax a bit & let things happen...to me, he sounded like he was over-analyzing just a bit. I should know, because I do it s well. He then dropped a bomb on telling me that I wasn't the only person in his thoughts...namely that there was still an inclination to date other girls, even though I was the only person that he'd been seeing for the past 2 months.

What happened immeadiately following, was that my sweet guy who had treated me like a queen, suddenly refused to discuss the matter any further. I was so confused. The following morning, I was in oceans of tears. And while he was holding me in a physical effort to console me, he refused to talk. He told me that he would let me know that he got to Afghanistan okay & that he would keep in contact with me through Facebook, and just kept saying that he was sorry for everything. I was so beside myself that he was making everything so final that I grabbed my bags & walked out the door without saying goodbye, he being right on my heels. He stood at his front door & watched me as I got into my Jeep, sayt & cried for a moment, then pulled out of his driveway & left. He just stood & stared the entire time.

I tried for the next two days to rationalize what had happened. I didn't understand how he could introduce me to his friends--whop had known about me since we started dating, talk about taking trips when he got back from overseas, tell me that he cared about me, didn't want to lose me, that I made him happy, & even think ahead 2 years into the future...and then just end everything so blatantly. The next day I wrote him a rather lengthy e-mail, telling me that if he wanted me to let him go during the duration of his deployment, then I would accept that...I cared too much about him to try to force a commitment out him that he wasn't ready for, especially when he was going to be in such a stressful position overseas. I asked him to please stay in contact with me like he promised. The next day while I was at lunch, I got a text message from him as he was getting ready to leave, saying "Getting ready to go...take care of yourself". And then he was gone.

So here we are...I'm over the shock for the most part, now that it's been a week to the day that he ended things, but now I'm frustrated. I know now that in most normal situations, when a guy says that he doesn't know how he feels about you, it's because men have trouble articulating their feelings & need some space to sort them out. I accept that. We remain friends on Facebook. I sent him one more e-mail lst Thursday, when he actually got to his destination, to let him know that I was finally at a spot where I was feeling okay again...namely because I worried that he may have been feeling bad. Also, I had a need to reach out & communicate with him. He didn't respond. Not only that, but I can see him commenting to his other friends on FB all over the place as well as posting pictures of his new location in Afghanistan.

His lack of communication with me is already under my skin, although common sense tells me that he's probably deliberatelty not responding to me because he may be worried that I'm still hurting & not want to cause further drama, or he's hurt himself & not responding to me if the easiest way to help himself get over things. My friends keep telling me not to write to him anymore & to give him a few weeks to start missing me, & that he may have a change of heart over ending things with me. They keep saying the fact that he said goodbye right before he left indicates that he still cares, not mention that he still has a link to communicate with me on Facebook. I would suspect that if truly wanted things done, he would have severed that tie as well. I kind of suspect that maybe he wants to keep tabs on me while he's away, just to see if I actually do meet someone else. I distinctly remember that a friend of mine wanted to set me up with her son's footbal coach when I started dating him & was unsure myself...he never let that go during the 2 months we were together, even when I had totally forgotten about it.

So after all this, I guess I'm looking for opinions. I hate going on Facebook, seeing him active and not communicating with me, even though YES, I know he's only been overseas for a few days. A friend even suggested dropping him off my friends list completely in order to save myself some aggravation, but I can't bear the thought of it. I can't help but worry about him being there, and want to know he's okay. I know the smart thing to do is be patient and give him some time...let him miss me. I want this man back in my life...I think I may even love him. The fact that he was thinking 2 years ahead in the future...that *shocked* me. I never had any idea he was thinking that far ahead into a future with me. I know the smart thing to do is carry on with my life...which is what I'm doing...I'm just scared deep down that someway, somehow, he'll forget about me. I'm banking on the belief that if you love someone, let them go, if they come back, it was meant to be. I want him in my life so badly...even if he's thousands on miles away for 4 months. I just wish I knew if he's genuinely done with me, or if I give it time, I'll be hearing from again.

[sadlady]

Hi radrluv.Poor you,you have been through a very tough time. i would like to offer an insight as I have just (8 weeks ago) gone through a very similar situation.I was with my lovely ex for 13 months and, like you and your bf, we had tentatively talked about the future,taking trips etc.We were very happy going out together and he really did care about me an awful lot.But I pushed things and insisted on talking about the future one night.Basically, I pushed him into ending the relationship as he didn't feel ready to commit to me.He kept saying "I dont want to break up with you" but he did.We cried, held each other, said how much we would miss each other etc...and here is what you should NOT do-we stayed in very regular contact, texting numerous times every day,meeting up a couple of times a week.We would say how sad we were,how much we missed each other, he said he may have made a mistake....Now, 8 weeks on,the texts are less frequent and, for the first time since the break up I havent seen him this weekend . I truly wish that I had taken my friends' advice and broken contact for a little while.I really believe that, if I had, the shock of no contact with me would have made him realise without doubt that the break up was a mistake.Instead, I allowed him to sort of get used to having me around less and less.If I were you, I would keep in contact with your bf but only once a week or something.He needs to know that you care about him but dont push him into withdrawing from you completely.I truly believe that, in both situations, our bfs panicked,feeling they were being pushed into a corner.The difference is, I handled it badly, but you dont have to.Take care and keep in touch xxx

[radrluv]

Oh, thank you....honestly, this is probably the most heartbreaking breakup I've had...all of my other relationships have ended either because that person cheated or was just an all-around jerk...I had honestly expected our last night together to end with "see you later" as opposed to my sobbing my eyes out on his shoulder. I like to think that he went straight away into stoic solider mode when I was in such an emotional state...it was probably the only way he could deal with me.

I told myself that I'm not going to write him again until Christmas, which is in 2 weeks. I just wish that he would at least say hello to me. I can't slight him for not letting me know that he made it to Afghanistan like he said he would...he travelled quiet freqently when he was here & always forgot to let me know he got to his destination okay...busy guy.

[sadlady]

This sounds SO like my own situation! The guy clearly cares about you but men can be very tunnel visioned! He doesn't want to feel guilty about you missing out on some other guy (who you clearly have zero interest in meeting!) while he makes up his mind about what he wants in the future! I heard those exact words from my guy! One (of many!) mistakes I made was thinking he would forget about mr if I didn't stay in contact. I can see now how stupid that was, nobody forgets someone they care about that easily! O don't think no contact is ever the way to go to be honest but when you do contact him tell him you miss him but font sound miserable, that would just exacerbate his feelings of guilt and push him away. You want him to realise he's been a fool, and make him WANT you back

[twinrexes]

OK, this guy is a First Lieutennant in the Air Force as well as a combat aviator & intelligence officer. Huge responsibilities. And now he's on active duty in Afghanistan. He dated you for only eight weeks. I think that when the reality of deployment set in, and you started to talk about waiting for him, something snapped for him. I'm guessing that he started thinking more clearly about what kind of chance this relationship has, and didn't feel it was good. Doesn't want you to wait because he's not that sure of things himself (two months isn't very long to get to know someone). And maybe just wants to keep his life as unfettered and uncomplicated as possible right now. Can't say I blame him. Stop watching his every move on Facebook, that's just a great way to torture yourself. Let him go, move on, and maybe even meet that coach you were going to get fixed up with. If you're still feeling strongly in 4 months, look him up.

[radrluv]

I agree with you on every count...the "day after", when I wrote him & told him that I was accepting his wishes & that I would let him go during the duration of his deployment, every single thing you just mentioned was right there on my mind. We grew very close in a very short amount of time, and yes, we were still finding things out about eachother at the time this happened. I guess when you talk to someone almost every single day & then it suddenly stops, it's a tough withdrawal. I'm *much* better than I was a week ago when this happened. This is the first time I'd ever gotten involved with someone who was active military, especially with his rank...admittedly, I guess that somewhere I was kind of hoping that the idea of having someone who cared about him waiting for him back at home would give him a brighter outlook, but I failed to realize that it can make someone's time overseas all the more painful.

I guess my only regret is that maybe we should have taken the time to talk about things more than we actually did. He told me that he's had 2 girlfriends in the past year who dumped him because of his work...I wouldn't at all be surprised if one of those girlfriends was someone he dated while he was on his first deployment in Iraq last year, who may have either cheated on him, dumped him, or both while he was away. In all honesty, I suspect that his feelings about me may have been stronger than he indicated, especially when he was looking down the road 2 years from now of a possibility of a future with me in it...I don't know it to be fact, but I wonder if this may have been a defense mechanism for him. I've learned this about him because he has the same outlook on being career military...volunteer before you're volun-"told", kill them before they kill you....ending things with me while he's away could have been a way to save himself extra grief, therefore, as you said, keeping himself unfettered & uncomplicated while he's away.

All I can do is be patient & move on with my life...dating other men right now defiinitely isn't an option for me. My only interests right now are being with my girlfriends & focusing on the holidays. Right now the vultures are circling...when people around me became aware that I wasn't seeing this man anymore, supposed male acquaintences immeadiately started playing the "lean on me" card...of which, sorry, I've been around the block a few times and I don't fall for that crap. Some guys have already been quick to say that even though we're not seeing eachother anymore, that I "belong" to a guy who's fighting overseas & therefore it's hands off...like I've got a disease or something. While I get it, I'm unattached now...how can I still "belong" to him? That's nuts.

Anyways, thanks so much for your input. Much appreciated.

[tempuser]

Your situation is very unique. A man going into combat is probably not the best to get attached to, unless of course you were attached for a long time prior. Two months though?

No doubt he is focused on Afghanistan and staying alive. I would bet that with different timing you both would have had a chance.

Don't blame yourself, blame the timing and the context.

[radrluv]

Oh, thank you...no, I agree. I know in my gut that if we had met sooner...say *after* his deployment...this definitely wouldn't be happening right now. I'm be happy as a clam, and my man with it.

With his being Air Force, he actually doesn't get into the fighting like the Army, Marines, or the Reserve guys do. The plane he flies isn't even sexy...lol...it's a big RJ that doesn't even have guns on it. He told me that there's actually 6 pistols in the plane itself, all of which aren't loaded. When he goes out on missions, it's always with protection from actual fighter planes. At least this is the reassurance that he gave me before he left that he would be okay. Doesn't stop me from being worried.

Thanks for your kind words.