Ex's constantly changing interests and goals / Interest in me

[NG85]

This is sort of a two-part post. My ex and I had a pretty clean split about 2 months ago, but there was a possibility of reconciliation - But that became a problem when I found out she got a new boyfriend almost immediately after the break-up.

I went NC with my ex for a month, and throughout this time she contacted me a few times, but I'd put off actually talking to her, preferring to wait until the month of NC was up and I had worked on moving on and not being an emotional wreck.

Once I began talking to her again, she told me about all these plans she had for the future. She had always been complacent with herself and her surroundings, but now that we split it seems like she wants to move to a new city every day, or get a different hairstyle, or go to such and such a school, and then changing what she wants her major to be every week. She seems very passionate about these ideas at the time, but since she changes her mind about everything so much she can never commit to anything. I also noticed that a lot of these changes seem to be reactionary to me, and it's almost like she's doing the opposite of what I liked about her, or doing things not in her nature to spite me.

Likewise, her new boyfriend is almost the exact opposite of me, and it seems like he's an influence on her ideas. I had read that when an ex gets a new partner right after a break-up, it's a sign that they're having problems moving on and need that push, and having a new partner that's the opposite in every way of the old partner is a sure sign of this. Their relationship also seems to be moving 10 times faster than ours did, and it seems to be reaching the same stage of maturity where they're already talking about moving in with one another.

My ex and I were together for over 2 years and were a huge part of one another's lives, with her needing more than I needed her, it seemed (During one period of about a year, I was literally the only person she had in her life when she moved to a new town).

So here are my questions:

1) It was strange that she seemingly moved on so quickly. Is all of this indecisiveness and the fact that she has a new boyfriend mean that she was very hurt and still thinking about me and needed that extra push to get over it?

2) She also told me her parents still talk about me every day, she still brings me up in conversations, and she still wears jewelry and clothes I bought her when she goes out (I, on the other hand, got rid of anything she bought me or vaguely reminded me of her). She's also invited me over to hang out quite a bit (Never accepted, though). Does this mean that she still might have feelings for me?

3) I've been working on moving on, by working on myself both mentally and physically, and enjoying the single life by going out, having fun, and meeting new girls. We've talked on webcam and she's said multiple times how good I look with my new wardrobe and the weight I've lost, and that she's really impressed by how I've improved my career in the past 2 months. I'm hooked on the idea of seeing her and trying to work things out in the next month or two. Based on all of this information, do you think she's still interested and that I have a chance, or should I just give it up and move on completely?

[Georgia]

Real sorry. stay strong.

[Boisdevie]

She is using you and likes the attention she gets from you. The fact that she had a new BF almost as soon as you guys split up makes me think your hopes of a relationship are doomed. No contact is just that - no contact. Stop dreaming and find yourself a new girlfriend.

[cmacattack1]

Yup, no contact is not just a tactic to win her over. You can't just say "I'll do it for one month and start up again". I mean you can but you are missing the whole point of it. No contact is for YOU. It's for you to move forward without relapsing on old emotions, old wounds, and falling back into the same habits and behaviors that led to your break up with your last girlfriend in the first place. I don't see how you could describe your break up as "clean" when she is contacting you so much. This is not clean at all.

I think it's proof in the pudding, based on the fact that she is contacting you this much, that she is not over you, she hasn't moved on, so on and so forth. Just because she has a new boyfriend does not mean she is over you. He is catching her when she falls, more like a cushion if anything, so she isn't alone and has to actually face her issues, feelings and make sense of what went wrong. I feel that it's such a mistake to be with somebody else right out of a serious relationship because you are in no position to be with somebody new and cannot possibly build something substantial when you haven't even figured out anything on your own. I don't know who wanted to break up with who in your situation, but if it was her dumping you, does it make very much sense to keep in touch with you? No, not at all.

People always believe they have to do something radical, change something up, shake up their life after a break up. To prove to their ex or whoever that they are different, better, passionate, etc. I always believe that proving something proves nothing at all. If you have to jump up in down in front of you ex and say "Hey, HEY, look at me, I'm different, I'm changed!", how much have they really changed? Not very likely at all. She talks about all this different plans and different pursuits, but she isn't committing to just one. If anything, it should show how confused she is. This is not a good situation for her to be in, and this is not a good situation for you to think that reconciliation is a great idea at this moment.

I'll tell you why: the two people, they people that you were in your relationship, failed for a reason. Who you were were not the right people for that relationship. To think that you could get back together after one or two months and that things could work out for the long haul, for the better is incredibly foolish and naive. You think that you have come so far, but your change has only really just begun. You've done all these things to SHOW HER that you've changed, but have you really become a whole new person? No, you haven't. Have you sat down and asked yourself "Why did we fail? What did I do that wasn't right? What has she done?" Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of "insanity".

When you start doing these things for YOU and not to prove her anything, when you have her out of your life and can really focus on things and put them into perspective is when you really will make some progress. And even if you have come a long way and changed alot, guess what? You guys wouldn't work out anyway because SHE hasn't changed. Unfortunately, you have to both grow up from who you were and based on what you have said, she hasn't. You guys would 100 percent break up in the future if you got back together today. That is a promise.

You are being kept around for her own benefit, do not think for a second she is thinking about just you and how you feel in this. She likes having you around when she needs it and having her boyfriend around for what she needs from him. You are only worth as much as you allow yourself to be treated as, and what she is doing to you and to him is not right. I would request you tell her that you actually want some space from her since this is what she wanted (or if this break up was your idea, that you need this for you). If she can't respect that, it's pretty obvious her intentions are strictly self serving. You do not need her or anyone to be happy, you need to find happiness and to be content with who you are before you have somebody in your life to expand upon that happiness. To want and to need somebody are two very different things. And you haven't gotten there yet. You've only followed tricks or rules or whatever you have read to help you cope with your loss.

No matter what happens, everything will be alright. And it's funny how the more you want to get away from them, the more they chase you afterward. But I'm telling you that one or two months is not a long time at all and you guys both have a long way to go. She needs to stand on her own two feet, and so do you. You both haven't yet.

[NG85]

Thanks for the insight, cmacattack1, you hit on some points I know to be true, but haven't fully accepted yet. Towards the last few months of the relationship, the complacent attitude I had really began to take hold. When we first began dating I was well-groomed, dressed well, and I was thin. Towards the end I was pretty lax on showering, I would wear the same clothes for a week, and I gained about 20 or 30 pounds. I figured that since I already had her I didn't have to really impress her anymore, so I let myself go. My attitude also changed, and I got really arrogant and wasn't respecting myself or anybody for that matter. My ex wanted me to change, but rather than encourage me through positive reinforcement, she ended up nagging at me constantly, which pushed me away and made me WANT to be a slob. We lost a lot of respect for one another based on our attitudes, and she brought up the idea of taking a break, which I agreed to (It had been in the back of my mind for a while).

Now that I don't have her nagging at me anymore and I can devote 100% of my thinking to myself, rather than a lot of it on US, I was finally able to step back and realize that all this time I really did want to get in shape and turn my life around - It's just that the way she was encouraging me to do so was really negative. I really lost myself, and the way I acted in the end was not in my nature at all. In about a month's time, on my new diet and exercise routine, I've lost almost 15 pounds, I'm in better health, my stress levels are way down, and I feel very confident - And people have told me I look good, which is something I haven't heard in a while. It's something I'm glad I've done, and it definitely helped me cope a lot better by helping my mental attitude and allowing me to let out aggression. I've also been able to focus on myself more and my attitude, which is something I couldn't do when I was thinking for two.

I spoke to a friend who is a psychologist about my ex's behavior, and he said that, in short, my ex isn't happy. No matter how well she says she's doing, a happy person wouldn't change their minds about important factors in their future constantly. Since the break up she lost a lot of stability, and she's just treading water and not really knowing what she wants. The last time we spoke was when she contacted me over the weekend, and the conversation was basically her talking about another city she wants to live in, and another school she wants to go to, and another subject she wants to major in. I really gave her the cold shoulder, and ended the conversation early. On the one hand I want to pretend I'm supportive, but on the other hand I have to really bite my tongue to keep from chastising her.

Her new boyfriend is another thing completely. I've considered finding a new girl, but I wanted to wait a while to determine if this desire was out of desperation. I'm beginning to like the feeling of being single, and I don't want to rush into anything with a new person quite yet. My ex, on the other hand, just completely latched onto this new guy. When we speak she brings him up a lot, almost like she's bragging, and from what I can tell they're going REALLY fast. She also tells me they have plans booked for 5-6 months down the road - Whenever I get into a new relationship I always assume the worst and rarely make plans more than a few weeks into the future. She thinks it's genuine, and maybe it is, but I have the feeling it's going to dissolve really quickly and she'll be really hurt.

I think the ultimate deciding factor on whether or not to seriously consider taking her back is if I can meet up with her again in person. We've spoken on the phone, through AIM, and on webcam a few times since the break up, but none of these can really substitute being with a person in real life - There's always this electronic shield protecting you. The next time I could possibly see her in person will be in about 2-3 months, which I think will give me a lot of time to reflect on everything. And if we do meet up and nothing's changed then, long story short, it's beating a dead horse.

[NG85]

I also can't believe I forgot to mention that her new boyfriend is long-distance, a few thousand miles and a costly plane ticket away. It seems like after the break-up she REALLY attached herself to anyone who showed attention, and in this case the winner of her attention was in another time zone. They can't be together constantly, but I'd imagine it's an absolute pain to travel to see one another, and for such a budding relationship I'd figure the hassle would outweigh the good. I'd figure most people would consider traveling like that for someone they've been dating for months or years, but to start dating someone who lives that far away in the beginning, well, I think it has disaster written all over it - More proof she doesn't know what she wants.

[sweetkissesforu]

Long distant relationships dont work

[Boisdevie]

Who cares if her current BF is miles away. Move on. No contact is NO CONTACT = It is over, finished. Get the idea? Move on. Fine somebody new.