What to do about my ex

[quart]

SHORT VERSION

My ex and i had a solid relationship for a year. We are long distance but planning on me moving to his location for an internship this summer, and we both have no problems moving on a more permanete basis later on. A month ago we got into a stupid arguement, and didnt talk for a couple days. When he was finally ready to talk he says he wants to break up and he is moving to australia for work. When less than a week before he is giving me his CC #, wants to take me to look for internships in his city, says how we need to see each other more. I've been up twice to see him in the past month, after the first time he ignored me for 3wks except for calling me twice(a week apart) and texting me once. Both times he called were while i was at work so i couldnt talk. But he wouldnt communicate with me about find a time for us to talk. And I told him over and over if we didnt I was coming back up. So if he didnt want me to come he had THREE WEEKS to talk to me.

Both times when I to see him, everything seemed normal, he still did all the sweet little things he always does (paragragh 2 and 3). The first time i was too scared to bring up the relationship status, the second time I did and he confirmed that we was moving and we needed to break up (paragraph 3). I feel like a lot of it has to do with him being not ready to get married (im not either), and feels like if I went with him to australia it would seal the deal and he might feel trapped. The thing is, its a really good opportunity for me and my career as well. I'm trying to figure out if there is still a chance for us, or if im being blind by thinking there is. And if there is a chance and he is just being stubborn, how I should go about opening him up. We decided to not talk for a month and then be friends or see where we are in a month, his idea. Idk what to think. When we do talk I want to know how to approach him about trying to make it work without pressuring him.

END OF SHORT VERSION



I need help figuring out whats going on with my ex. We met online, he's 28 and i'm 21, we've been together for over a year. We are long distance as well, he lives in canada, I live in texas. Good part is my parents work for the airlines so I fly free, and go up to see him for a couple days once or twice a month. He has a GREAT job, is financially stable and has his life completely together, but he is also taking classes to enter a new field. I'm finishing up my degree and will be done next Dec. Neither of us has had any problem with moving once I graduate. He always takes me out to family events, company events, out with this friends, and he's come down to stay with my family. I've had doubts throughout the relationship about whether it will work, but thats my own fault and my own insecurities, he's always fought so hard to keep me and reassure me that eveything will be ok and how much he cares about me.

About a month ago when I want to see him, everything was great but when i got home we got into a stupid arguement and we didnt talk for a couple days and when he is finally ready to talk he says he wants to break up and that he is moving to australia for work. I was in complete shock because he has never ever wanted to break up, I thought we'd talk it out and everything would be ok. So I flew up there 2 days later and he surprised me and picked me up at the airport even tho he said he wouldnt. There was some tension, but he still was doing all the sweet little caring things he always does. Like, calling me pet names, not being able to keep his hands off me, its freezing there so before we went outside he's saying I need a hat and i'm saying no its ok i'll be fine but he insists i need one and he'll get me one of his. Just little stuff like that, that he does to take care of me. We didnt really have much time since I was there for less than 24hrs and I was too scared to bring anything up. But I left feeling positive, and he promised we'd talk.

But then the next day went back to ignoring me. I wrote him some emails and texted him once or twice a day, saying goodnight, or good luck at your hockey game, stuff like that. Finally he called me but at a time he knew I would be working, and then went back to ignoring me for a week and then called me again while i was at work. The next week I went back up there, and I told him for 3 weeks that i was coming, that we needed to talk, if he didnt want me to come then we needed to talk, which is what I told him the first time but he would never call me. So I know he wanted me to come or he wouldve just talked to me on the phone.

This time things were even better than the first time. Still doing little things like buying me a candy bar when he ran out to the store, singing me love songs, calling me pet names, wanting massages etc. To me it seems like if he didnt have feelings for me he would be giving me a cold shoulder, not being all lovey and cutesy. This time I did get the courage to talk, and apparently he really is moving to australia, and still thinks we should break up. He says its a really good opportunity, which it is, and he's "28 and has never lived overseas and he prob wont ever be able to again unless he does it now" blah blah. Fine, I get it, I agree with him but I don't understand why he wants to break up. We always go a month or so w/o seeing each other, he leaves in Jan I can come visit for 2 wks in march and them move there with him in may and do my internship there over the summer. Its not really a longer time span to go w/o each other than we normally do, and I dont get why he'd want to throw away a years relationship that we've both worked so hard for and made sacrifices for when we're only like 5 months away from finally being able to live in the same place.

I mean 5 days before he said he wanted to break up and move, he was saying how much we need to see each other more, and giving me his credit card # so I could get wifi in the airport, and saying that while im up there he wants to take me to places to find out about internships so i can move there. and then BAM 5 days later, lets break up and i'm moving to another country. He is NOT good at expressing himself emotionally, he basically likes to pretend he doesnt have emotions. But I KNOW he loves me, unless im just retarded and thers another reason for him doing all the things he does for me even when he "wants" to break up. And continuing a serious year relationship with a girl in another country if he didnt. And he's managed to tell me he loves me a couple times which I know was excruiating for him. He wont tell me but i'm sure he's been through a bad break up and doesnt like being vulnerable and having someone else have so much control over his emotions scares him.


But I feel like he is making a HUGE mistake and I don't how or if I can get him to reconsider trying to make it work. All of his friends are recently married or engaged and one of his friends is also going to australia for the job and is having a shot gun wedding so that his fiance can go with him. And I know my bf isnt ready for that, which i'm not either so i feel like maybe its that he is scared for me to go with him because its a huge step and i think he feels it might seal the deal and he'd feel trapped. He says he has not taken opportunities in the past because of relationships, and some of his friends cant go because of they have wives/gfs that wont go with them. so he wants to do this cause it is his last chance and he doesnt want strings attached. But he has always told me being with me is the happiest he has ever been in a relationship, and he's never been in love before, and i'm everything he wants, and how he gets depressed when he is single. When we met i wasnt looking for a relationship, i was focusing on school and my career, he was looking for a serious relationship. So i don't understand what has changed, if he is just scared and has forgotten how miserable he was before me.

The thing is going there would be good for my career too, so its a win win, i'm not blindly following him there. We agreed that we'd not talk for a month and then a little before he leaves we'll talk. But i've asked if he thinks he'll want to take it slow and in jan see if maybe in march he'll want me to come visit and then go from there and see if he wants me to come in may. But he says no, its not fair to me to wait around for him. Idk if thats BS tho. who knows. i guess he doesnt get thats what people do for people they love. Anyways, when we talk in a couple weeks I want to bring up us staying in touch and me possibly coming in march but im terrified, and dont know how to approach the subject. So what do you guys think? Does he still have feelings for me? Is he scared? is he feeding me BS? I tried to cover everything to avoid needing to give additional details, but if you have questions let me know!

THANKS SOOOOO SOOO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP!

[Boisdevie]

I'm really sorry but not all of us here have the time to read all of that. Can you post us the much shorter version please?

[RockNRoll]

We agreed that we'd not talk for a month and then a little before he leaves we'll talk.

I don't think it's a good approach. Was it his idea?
Is there any time frame for his work in Australia or is it a permanent position?

You called him an "ex" already. That's an answer, I am afraid. You are not supposed to follow your ex around the world. He broke up with you. You made it difficult for him to follow this through, by visiting him. He might be a nice guy and feels something for you, so he was nice, caring and probably confused himself, at times when you arrived. But the other times he was trying to go "no contact". He made his decision. If he believed in staying with you, he wouldn't let you think about breaking up. There are things that stop him from breaking up, but that's normal - those things were keeping you together.

It's better for you to accept what he is saying, without wondering "why". But if you want ideas about his reason: It's been a year already, going long distant for another half a year, plus life changing choice now - staying together will make you both more committed and he expects that in this case you will see your relationship developing further. There can be no guarantee, but he feels like you should have one, if you follow him to another country. Basically he doesn't want to lead you on and give you false promise.
He is right, it is not fair to you to wait for his decisions.

[quart]

[QUOTE=RockNRoll;654687]I don't think it's a good approach. Was it his idea?
Is there any time frame for his work in Australia or is it a permanent position?

His position is definetely not permanent, maybe a year or two. He is studying to get his cfa which if for finance (right now he is an engineer), he'll have his cfa in a year and a half. Once he gets it he will definetely be moving to somewhere thats a financial center. And it was his idea to give it a month. I asked him if he knew he wouldnt want to be with me ever again, and he said he didnt know what he wanted, that if he was unhappy in australia that he'd figure out what to do then.

My issue is that if he didnt love me and knew he didnt want to be with me, then it would be easier to let it go. But I feel like he is letting his ego and stubborness get in the way of making it work. And I can't give up on something I believe so strongly in unless I know theres nothing worth fighting for. I'm trying to figure out if i'm being blind thinking that theres still a chance, but if there is a chance how to get him to stop pushing me away without suffocating him. I want to give him space to figure stuff out, but I don't want him to completely cut me out of his life in the mean time.

[quart]

I'm really sorry but not all of us here have the time to read all of that. Can you post us the much shorter version please?

haha ok sure, i'm terrible at short version though

[RockNRoll]

I don't think it's a good idea to leave this talk till the last moment. Give him time, but maybe not as long.

If my explanation is correct (maybe not), he cares about you and wants to make it better for you. He could have kept you around and see what happens till May, but he is being a good guy now. Plus he doesn't want you to make commitment with internship, as he is not sure how things will develop. In this case you need to tell him, that you are ok to carry on if there is at least a tiny chance. It will be a bit desparate and selfless. Point out things, that are good for you in this situation in a long run (like internship).

You can try and see what happens. But be sure what you want yourself and what is better for you. Get ready to any outcome.

If he breaks up with, especially if it's hard for him and he has feelings for you, he thinks that it's better for you. You should trust him on this. You are into him, etc, and it would hurt to lose him, but you deserve to be with someone who is sure, that he wants to be with you. That's what you need to find out.

[quart]

yah, I hope he just needs some time to realize that he needs me. Honestly him breaking up with me is made me really realize how much I love him. I have insecurity issues, i'm my own worst enemy and I for a long time I wouldnt let myself believe i loved him because I didnt want to get hurt, I couldnt believe that i could really be that happy cause nothing in life has been easy for me so basicallly I was just waiting for all this to shatter. But faced with losing him woke me up and made me realize how stupid I was being. And i cant really get into all the details of how we met, but there is absolutely no denying it was fate, and I cant believe that this is what fate had in store for me.

Trust me I know i'm being desperate, i've never swallowed my pride like this before, but i believe in this relationship so much nothing is out of bounds. I let someone go when i was younger because I couldnt swallow my pride and it basically took me until i met this guy to get over the last one (4 years). I hope that I can convince him to let me come so that we can try living in the same city. And if it doesnt work out then its 3 months that he wasted, i'll go home and he can go back to his australian adventure. There are a lot of issues with dating long distance esp in diff countries and esp when you've never lived near each other, which is the case for us. Idk how we could both manage to hold out for a year if it wasnt REALLY really special. So it seems like a waste, not to mention stupid to throw that committment away w/o even exploring not being long distance. I just dont want him to make a huge mistake like that because I dont think that I could ever take him back if he put me through that much pain.

[quart]

I just want guys insight on why they might act that way

[BackUpOrGetStng]

He is trying to let you down easy. If you really want him to realize what he will be missing, end it for him. Call him and tell him that you don't think it's a good idea to see each other anymore. If he doesn't answer, send a text.

[cuttingcrew]

okham's razor - just forget about him completely. cut him out of your life completely.

[quart]

okham's razor - just forget about him completely. cut him out of your life completely.

Ugh. I wish I could.

[quart]

He is trying to let you down easy. If you really want him to realize what he will be missing, end it for him. Call him and tell him that you don't think it's a good idea to see each other anymore. If he doesn't answer, send a text.

well we've already broken up, and we arent going to see each other any more at this point. We've agreed not to talk for a month, and maybe be friends or reevaluate at that point. I'm afraid to contact him and say like... you're right we should break up, its best blah blah blah. because I'm afraid that will make the situation worse... Right now i feel like i should just wait for the month to be up, hopefully in the mean time he'll start to miss me and maybe reach out... or at least be more open to making it work.