Am I emotionally abusive?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I read some of your past posts, and I don't understand why leaving her is not an option. I don't understand why you didn't leave months ago. Maybe I missed the thread where you explained why you can't, could give me a quick rundown?

Your wife just sounds like a control freak and a bitch, and you've always been reasonable in your interactions that I've observed, so I that's all I have to go on to assess your character and her behavior doesn't seem appropriate. Her behavior is selfish and seemingly baseless, and I don't think it's worth it for you to put anymore effort into the marriage. You gain nothing from this union, while she gets everything she needs, minus emotional support(which she doesn't deserve). Anyway, I'm really curious as to why you can't leave her, because that's really the only thing you can do if you want to be happy. Your happiness is of no concern to her, and if you can't leave her, you need to avoid her. Sleep in separate rooms, don't eat together, don't spend time with her; treat her like she doesn't exist. You're still letting her have all the control and you don't benefit at all from it. You need to stonewall her, and treat her like you're moving on already. When she asks what's wrong, tell her, " You won't let me fall back in love with you, and I don't think you want me to, so I'm trying to move on from you."

[vanityfair]

I don't know enough about what your wife has done to trigger the entry above, but it sounds like she has a part in driving you away from herself.

"This has got to be so horrible for her child to live with." I agree with this comment.

This kids concept of a normal relationship must be fairly skewed by now. I realize no relationship is perfect and it could have been worse. But it sounds like both of you and your spouse are miserable. Having had an emotional affair shows that you've already given up on her. Obviously you're already onto the idea that there's gotta be a more compatible person for you out there.

Does she have a job? Can she support herself and her kid without you? Are you emotionally close to the kid? Does the kid consider you a dad? Does the kid have an involved biological dad? From the kids perspective, it might be much more healthier and peaceful to live in a house where the air isn't so thick and she doesn't have to walk on eggshells not to irritate either one of you. I can imagine the issues this kid is likely to develop as a teenager, which in turn is likely to put more of a strain on your relationship.

I think it's about time you physically move on, just as you've already done so emotionally. Of course, it's easier said than done.

[vanityfair]

I just saw the remark above about the daughter. if she's considered her daughter, not theirs, then it simplifies the dilemma I posted above.

[RdHrshyKss]

i remember reading a post about how his daughter uses their crappy relationship situation to her advantage sometimes...the negativity in their relationship has already affected her i'm afraid.

his wife definitely has issues that she isn't interested in acknowledging for whatever reason...she'd rather point fingers at incog and blame everyone else but herself for her problems. she's very selfish and is in denial about their situation. she tolerates this type of environment more than he does and is way less inclined to put forth much of an effort herself. i think her logic is that if incog is so unhappy, he should do something to fix it...not that she should really have to do anything herself because she's satisfied (for the most part).

incog is religious and takes "till death do us part" very seriously. divorce is not an option for him unless adultery is involved, which neither of them will do (physically)...so it looks like this relationship will continue in its vicious cycle forever?

[Incognito]

As much as I like to be "right" or have people on my side I have to give credit where credit is due and acknowledge errors/misrepresentations. Her daughter used to pit us against each other but stopped once I set them both straight in that regard. We also don't typically let our relationship problems spill over into the regular day to day activities. I suppose that when I don't say anything to anyone when I get home, or I don't eat dinner with them that she notices that, but there is never any arguing around her.

She does try to work on intimacy, as she sees it anyway. Her way of doing that is asking me to sit next to her and watch tv or sitting next to me if we watch a movie. She even told me once that sometimes her laying next to me in bed is a quasi-attempt to make a pass at me. Yeah, I said the same thing you all probably are, but this is what she claims so I can't exactly not let her get any credit. She has also asked to hold hands when we are at the mall, but sometimes I am so disgusted that I'll only do it for a few minutes or not at all.

(you've got mail)

And yes, rdhrsykss is right, I take my vows seriously as long as I can humanly stand to. An olympic runner is not perfect, but he will do his best to complete the race. I've been trying to do the same thing, but have been getting tired as of late. Am I saying that I won't/can't fail, not at all. I can't preemptively just leave and start anew with someone else. I could leave, but that doesn't exactly put me in a better position. That just makes it more likely that I'll cheat. Maybe some can see the rock and hard place that I'm stuck between now.

[sweetkissesforu]

Well that didn't really answer my question, but before you pass judgement perhaps you should read some of my earlier threads that outline her behavior more fully. All I asked was if my actions/inactions can be deemed "abusive". This is mainly directed at the members here who know what is going on beyond the short synopsis that I gave above.

I have read your past threads and i think that both you and your wife have not worked on this relationship
in the phsycial or the emotional sense have you tried to do things that you enjoyed before together every
marriage needs work so it can thrive you do relize that this not communication will effect her daughters relationships in the future and my best advice if you or her can not work at it for what ever reason then divorce because this relationship is unhealthy for you her and the girl what does this marriage have going for it nothing

[BackUpOrGetStng]

No, I don't see the rock and hard place. You have already failed, by having an emotional affair. You leaving and starting anew, is not preemptive at this point, it's just smart. Neither of you makes the other happy, nor do either of you want to. Your wife is using you, plain and simple, and she always has, you're just too blind to see it.

[misombra]

have you tried maybe setting up an hour to watch an interesting show that might spark some conversation? just hang out together?

i don't think this is an abusive relationship, but you're definitely in a cycle of emotional unavailability. i think it'll take a while to get out of it, if you're going to. intimacy is a lot of things. it's being considerate. holding her hand. talking about life or topics of your interest. the foundation will definitely have to come back if you're going to reclaim this one.

as for the "i love you but i'm not in love with you" comment. that was a fatal error. a wife does not want to hear this. she's probably done a lot in her mind to believe she's deserving of her husband to be in love with her. the comment was a major turn off. hard to forget. you'll have to work to prove that that is not the case, if it isn't. if it is, then i don't blame her for not having sex with you. if you said it, and your actions reinforce it, then you're not getting any.

[Incognito]

No, I don't see the rock and hard place. You have already failed, by having an emotional affair. You leaving and starting anew, is not preemptive at this point, it's just smart. Neither of you makes the other happy, nor do either of you want to. Your wife is using you, plain and simple, and she always has, you're just too blind to see it.

Don't think that I haven't considered that very distinct possibility, so cool it with the "too blind to see it comments". Are you familiar with principles? I am a very principled person (as best I can anyway). I don't disrespect others and then demand respect. I don't show bias and then demand equality from others. What anyone else does or doesn't do has nothing to do with what I myself ultimately do. That is all on me. Therefore, I will not cheat (premeditatedly). If she does, then that is on her and I'll drop her like a hefty bag, but for me to do something that despicable just to get what I want is hard for me to swallow. There again I am not saying that in a moment of weakness if all circumstances were right, the stars lined up, whatever, that I wouldn't have sex with another woman (she'd have to be really special though).

So, my rock is that I am married, but won't cheat. My hard place is the fact that even if I left I still can't sleep with anyone else. This only makes sense to a principled and morally conscious person.

[Incognito]

have you tried maybe setting up an hour to watch an interesting show that might spark some conversation? just hang out together?

i don't think this is an abusive relationship, but you're definitely in a cycle of emotional unavailability. i think it'll take a while to get out of it, if you're going to. intimacy is a lot of things. it's being considerate. holding her hand. talking about life or topics of your interest. the foundation will definitely have to come back if you're going to reclaim this one.

as for the "i love you but i'm not in love with you" comment. that was a fatal error. a wife does not want to hear this. she's probably done a lot in her mind to believe she's deserving of her husband to be in love with her. the comment was a major turn off. hard to forget. you'll have to work to prove that that is not the case, if it isn't. if it is, then i don't blame her for not having sex with you. if you said it, and your actions reinforce it, then you're not getting any.

Well I guess I won't be getting any for a while, but its not like that is a change. I have been dealing with no sex since we got married. It boggled my mind at first, caused me much stress, and resulted in many sleepless nights with a raging hard on. Then I found out that sex toys are made for men (Yes, I had no idea back then. I thought that a sex toy was defined as a dildo), and it made life a lot more bearable. I remember sleeping naked for almost two years (which resulted in sex about two or three times), and then I got really disgusted and started sleeping clothed. She had the audacity to ask why I started wearing clothes to bed. I had to bite my lip so hard not to shout obscenities. I think that issue resulted in A LOT of resentment which started to erode my feelings. That coupled with her [past] ridiculous anger issues just about killed any feelings for her.

I do try to be considerate, but I try to be considerate to everyone. No we don't watch "special" shows, nor do we just hang out. As stated before time alone is rare.

As far as "my fatal error" I was thinking about that today. I already know that if proving anything to the contrary involves me jumping through some kind of hoops to "regain her trust" or whatever that it isn't going to happen. I'm sorry, but f*ck that. I've tried being extra nice, extra sensitive, extra whatever, but things go good for a week or two the BAM some asinine butt f*cking nonsense comes that results in my kindness/sensitivity being used as a portal to bring maximum hurt to me. I cannot take overt anger, and have stated such. It wasn't what I was raised around, and isn't how I've ever dealt with troubling issues.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

When did I tell you to cheat? I just said that you've already cheated emotionally on her, so your delusion of sticking things out through thick an thin doesn't hold water.

Serve her with separation papers and then you can leave and do whatever the hell you want. Now all you have is a rock, so what's your excuse for staying?


And let me add, you most certainly ARE blind, and at this point you deserve whatever anger and hurt you get from staying in this relationship because you refuse to do anything to make your life better.

[Incognito]

^^^ Fair enough. I can respect that you cannot see things from my perspective and therefore disagree with my options or how I am handling it.

[MerryH]

Is marriage counseling not an option for some reason?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I do see things from your perspective. You're married and won't cheat on your wife, great...except that you already admitted to cheating on her. Do you not consider divorcing your wife an option unless she cheats on you?

[sweetkissesforu]

Don't think that I haven't considered that very distinct possibility, so cool it with the "too blind to see it comments". Are you familiar with principles? I am a very principled person (as best I can anyway). I don't disrespect others and then demand respect. I don't show bias and then demand equality from others. What anyone else does or doesn't do has nothing to do with what I myself ultimately do. That is all on me. Therefore, I will not cheat (premeditatedly). If she does, then that is on her and I'll drop her like a hefty bag, but for me to do something that despicable just to get what I want is hard for me to swallow. There again I am not saying that in a moment of weakness if all circumstances were right, the stars lined up, whatever, that I wouldn't have sex with another woman (she'd have to be really special though).

So, my rock is that I am married, but won't cheat. My hard place is the fact that even if I left I still can't sleep with anyone else. This only makes sense to a principled and morally conscious person.

Your living by your own rules are you an anal person rules are ment to be broken and as stated before i feel this is a unhealthy marriage