This is quite long so I apologize but hopefully someone can help! Thanks in advance for taking the time to read/reply it means so much.
Basically, I've known my current GF for 5 years but we've only been dating for over a year, except we've been very close for those 5 years. Anyways, last year (july of 2009) she broke up with her boyfriend because she had feelings for me, and I had feelings for her. Well, I've never been in a serious relationship before so I sort of freaked out. For the first time in my life I had a serious issue with anxiety. It happened as soon as she broke up with her boyfriend and we started dating. I of course had deep feelings for her but my anxiety(which turned into depression) was masking those feelings. I kept on searching for answers as to why I felt all this anxiety. I came to the conclusion that I didn't actually love her and I ended up breaking up with her, only it took 2 months to finally actually break up with her. During those 2 months, I've had ups and downs. Whenever I was up and feeling OK around her, I'd all of the sudden get a bout of anxiety/depression because I was in a pattern. Whenever I felt good, in the back of my head I knew the anxiety would come back and ruin everything. Everytime I felt anxious/depressed I'd tell her about it and it would turn into this huge thing with crying and general feeling like complete ass on both parts. This went on for 2 months until I had enough and ended it. It really destroyed her.
We only broke up for 1 month though and here's why. I basically was fine after we broke up, it was such a giant relief and I was able to put my life back together and was completely OK. I never went 1 day without thinking about her though, and after a few weeks, I started to REALLY miss her. I missed everything about her. At the expense of sounding like a complete wuss lol I'll say that I missed her voice, her touch, her scent, her family, her dog and cat EVERYTHING. Then I started kicking myself in the ass because I knew that I still did love her. I just was searching for an excuse to leave her because in reality I was actually SCARED of being in a relationship.
We got back together near the end of october of 2009. Everything was great, I felt reborn. I felt we were different people, grown up, mature. I even on a few occasions found myself thinking about us actually getting married and having kids together and it actually made me feel GOOD. Everything in life was great. I had my girl, I had a good job, my friends and family were there etc..
Fast forward to july 20th 2010. We had got into a big fight about something(forgot what it was, but it was one those fights that lasts a few hours and couples always get once in a while) well whenever we fight like that, it takes us about a week or so to feel normal again because it sort of lingers around for a while. Well a week passed, and it was on the evening of july 27th 2010 that it hit me. Out of nowhere, I had a huge anxiety attack. That scared the hell out of me. What was happening? Was the same sort of events unfolding AGAIN?! Are we going to go through hell again costing our relationship with eachother AGAIN?! This thought consumed me, I felt the same feelings as I did the previous year. These feelings lasted for a while. I finally calmed after a couple weeks but things still didn't seem right. It felt like things were different even though I didn't tell her what I was going through. I never told her because that would've been the nail in the coffin for us. It would've been the EXACT same thing all over again.
Fast forward to september. I got a new co-op job for 4 months in a different city that I didn't like. I took the job only because I couldn't find a job position that I wanted to be in and the start date for co-op was fast approaching and I just took what I could get. Big mistake. I hate my job. Everything about it I hated. I also had a bad vibe from the house I was living in which didn't help the matter. I seriously thought this was a test or something. A test of my will. I knew in my heart I loved her to pieces and that if I broke up with her again, thatd be pretty much it, I'd lose her forever. I knew that if I broke up with her again, then in a month or so I'd go back to missing her because it wasn't really her that was the issue, it was me.
I tried my best to keep my anxiety/depression to myself but it got worse whenever she wanted to become intimate. I did the whole oh I'm tired routine (which I was, anxiety takes a lot out of you) but I knew I couldn't do it forever. Sometimes I'd force myself to do it but it wasn't good and I couldn't finish off if you know what I mean.