How insensitive is too insensitive?

[taken4granted]

This is my first time posting on a relationship forum and I really hope I can find at the very least some words of encouragement from people in similar situations.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now. We've had a lot of ups and a lot of downs. I'm both blessed and cursed by being able to forgive and forget easily, and I've gotten over most of our issues and disagreements. But the thing that I can't seem to forget is how insensitive my boyfriend is to my feelings. I won't lie, I'm a deeply emotional person (I blame it on astrology and heredity) and I'll admit my emotional expectations are higher than most males can dish out. However, it seems that no matter how much I voice my feelings and communicate my issues with my boyfriend, he keeps doing the same things over and over to bring down our relationship. We don't fight about many different things, but we fight about the same issues constantly, with no solution. All I get at the end of an argument is "I'm sorry. I'm trying to be a better boyfriend." After a year and no signs of change, I'm quickly losing hope. It's not a secret that my boyfriend is completely incapable of communicating, whether it's something as superficial as making plans for dinner, or something deeper. He never has anything to say and can't put any of his feelings into words. I know that most guys have this problem, but I figured if he can't say it, maybe he can show it. I'm still waiting for either.

I've also noticed that even after a year, he still doesn't understand that everything he does affects me. For instance, he and I were going to attend a hockey game next week but since he has to work the day of the game and wouldn't make it home in time, we decided that we wouldn't go. Today he tells me that he is going to the game with his friend because his friend bought tickets. I really wanted to go to that game, and I was bummed out that we couldn't. But he ignored that, didn't think of my feelings at all, and is now going out with his friend. He has a bad habit of putting his friends before me in everything. I understand he's known some of them for as long as I've been alive, but if they have been there for 20+ years, they're going to be there even if he can't see them as much as when he was single. I've tried in many ways to tell him that romantic relationships are much more work than friendships, but he apparently doesn't understand that. It's like he lives and breathes for the approval of his friends while throwing my opinions and emotional needs out the window.

I guess what I'm wondering is if this is a common occurrence. I've only been in a handful of relationships in my life and I've had many a problem, but not blatant insensitivity like I'm experiencing now. I'm running out of ways to express my concern for his inability to communicate his feelings and understand my issues with how he acts. I almost feel greedy complaining about this stuff because things could be way worse and he could be a cheater or abusive. But I'm constantly put down by things that he does and it's starting to affect other aspects of my life. Is there hope? How do you teach someone to communicate and care about another person?

[utahguy058]

Hello there. This is a tough situation and one that I myself have been in and is terribly tough. I am going to try to give you the best advice and most hope I can give you. Your boyfriend is probably not trying to hurt you or let you down. He is obviously wired a certain way, just as you are. I happen to be very sensitive and a communicater, but have been with plenty of people who are not and it is very frustrating. Different minds operated different. So there are two very tough things that you can do that I think can go a long way. 1st You have to come to some kind of acceptance that this is who your boyfriend is. That he isn't going to wake up one day and be a super sensitive great communicator. So you should work on accepting him for this flaw in him. Second it is miraculous how much a man can respond to simply being his girlfriend. Try your hardest not to nag him but to love him and show him how you care and compliment him and I guarantee after awhile you will begin to get back all his love in different ways. When you nag it shuts him down and pushes him away. Try your hardest to love him and show him in many ways and be nice and kind and supportive, I believe you will be amazed at how fast he will respond positive to this. And just remember also, sometimes we have to accept that we can't handle a certain style a person is. It doesn't make them bad, just makes them not for us. Hope this helps and know that there is hope and the power is in you.

[damn2010]

The hockey thing is a stupid, insensitive jerk move. You don't tell someone you'll go with them, then don't go, then turn around and go with your friend? That's disrespectful. You really need to put your foot down on that one.

Now, I see two things. First off your "forgive and forget" attitude is a POSITIVE thing that guys like...to a point! It means that you are at least able to look over something, forgive the person, and move on. Too often do some people hold onto that stuff and it becomes a problem. However, when that attitude is taken advantage of (like in your current relationship), it becomes a bad thing and obviously you are holding a lot of it in.

Secondly, you have to realize this may be your guy's behavior. Like it was said before, he is just "wired" that way and it can be a great struggle to change that. You two are in the "comfort zone", where he can do almost whatever he wants and he doesn't care because he knows you will tolerate it. Which you are and like you said, what happens if that turns to cheating? The best is to sit him and hit him with some hard facts (like the hockey game thing and other examples) and tell him you're getting tired of his insensitivity to your feelings because it is disrespectful. And don't make it into an argument but an open discussion. Tell him it's important to be calm and communicate like adults instead of yelling or anything like that.

You might have to either just ACCEPT that he is this way and either learn to tolerate it or take the road to work with him on it. And worse comes to wear if his insensitivity is bothering you THIS much, then you might need to move on to someone who is more considerate toward your feelings.

[Ryan Heitzman]

I think too insensitive is simly someone does not care about your feelings. But of course I'm pretty sensitive.

[red_sparrow]

i am in a less severe situation than you but i too sometimes feel emotionally neglected.

are you a Pisces, by any chance? I am Pisces / Aquarius, but i have the emotionality of a Pisces. its not good being this emotional, but i know people who have no emotions at all, and i'd rather be this than that

[red_sparrow]

This is my first time posting on a relationship forum and I really hope I can find at the very least some words of encouragement from people in similar situations.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now. We've had a lot of ups and a lot of downs. I'm both blessed and cursed by being able to forgive and forget easily, and I've gotten over most of our issues and disagreements. But the thing that I can't seem to forget is how insensitive my boyfriend is to my feelings. I won't lie, I'm a deeply emotional person (I blame it on astrology and heredity) and I'll admit my emotional expectations are higher than most males can dish out. However, it seems that no matter how much I voice my feelings and communicate my issues with my boyfriend, he keeps doing the same things over and over to bring down our relationship. We don't fight about many different things, but we fight about the same issues constantly, with no solution. All I get at the end of an argument is "I'm sorry. I'm trying to be a better boyfriend." After a year and no signs of change, I'm quickly losing hope. It's not a secret that my boyfriend is completely incapable of communicating, whether it's something as superficial as making plans for dinner, or something deeper. He never has anything to say and can't put any of his feelings into words. I know that most guys have this problem, but I figured if he can't say it, maybe he can show it. I'm still waiting for either.

I've also noticed that even after a year, he still doesn't understand that everything he does affects me. For instance, he and I were going to attend a hockey game next week but since he has to work the day of the game and wouldn't make it home in time, we decided that we wouldn't go. Today he tells me that he is going to the game with his friend because his friend bought tickets. I really wanted to go to that game, and I was bummed out that we couldn't. But he ignored that, didn't think of my feelings at all, and is now going out with his friend. He has a bad habit of putting his friends before me in everything. I understand he's known some of them for as long as I've been alive, but if they have been there for 20+ years, they're going to be there even if he can't see them as much as when he was single. I've tried in many ways to tell him that romantic relationships are much more work than friendships, but he apparently doesn't understand that. It's like he lives and breathes for the approval of his friends while throwing my opinions and emotional needs out the window.

I guess what I'm wondering is if this is a common occurrence. I've only been in a handful of relationships in my life and I've had many a problem, but not blatant insensitivity like I'm experiencing now. I'm running out of ways to express my concern for his inability to communicate his feelings and understand my issues with how he acts. I almost feel greedy complaining about this stuff because things could be way worse and he could be a cheater or abusive. But I'm constantly put down by things that he does and it's starting to affect other aspects of my life. Is there hope? How do you teach someone to communicate and care about another person?

what's definitely not right is putting his friends before you.
guys sometimes don't recognize our needs, but that is not your fault. remember that. you need to find someone who does. find a warm, caring person!

[taken4granted]

Thanks, everyone for your responses. I appreciate the time you've taken to send some positivity my way. I know I shouldn't blame him fully for his inability to care for others; his father once left him at home when they were supposed to go camping because he was taking too long in the shower. It sadly runs in the family. I know he tries, it has to be hard for him, and I guess I should do a little less complaining about it and instead help him open up more. Granted there are some things he really needs to wise up about, like the hockey incident and other similar occurrences. But I am hoping that by making a little more effort to be a less nagging girlfriend and a more supportive one, he will realize it's easy to love someone and have a great relationship. Again, thank you for reading my venting and offering advice. Happy holidays!