Very helpful ex!

[whatthehell]

Hi.I was just wondering if anyone could help me understand my exboyfriends behaviour? We were together about a year and a half.Im 30 and he is 34.he was always one of those guys who liked to "do" stuff for me-DIY,changing lightbulbs,etc.The thing is, since we broke up, 10 weeks ago he still wants to be doing those things for me.I spent a couple hours digging my car out of snow today,he text and asked if I needed help,I said no,it was done.He gave out to me for not asking him for help!This is a regular occurrence.I broke my arm a few weeks ago and he was annoyed that I didnt call him to bring me to hospital (I drove myself there.. ).I have pointed out a number of times that he can't be that guy anymore,the one I call when I need help with something,but he insists that he wants to be that guy!!Its at the point where,every weekennd, he comes up with a reason that I need his help so that he can come by my house.I really,really love the guy and the break up in my opinion was unnecessary.Opinions anyone??Thanks for taking the time to read this,I'm very grateful!

[Lovable]

How about the next time he calls or comes by, you 2 have a sit down & talk about all this. Ask him why he wants to be the "it" guy? Maybe he wants to try again as well & this is his way of trying again with you.

Talk to him about it all...communication is KEY!!

[whatthehell]

Communication absolutely is key,I completely agree with you!The reason that the relationship ended was that we didnt communicate enough and never talked about 'us' so I became very insecure and more or less pushed him away when we did finally talk.I guess I have been putting it off because I'm afraid if I talk to him and he says he definitely does not want to try again,then it will be over for sure....cowardly I know.....Thank you for your advice,this is what I need to do!

[damn2010]

My friend is like this. It was actually a contributing factor that pushed his girlfriend away. Aside from his massive jealousy and anger issues, he's a good, unselfish type of guy..VERY unselfish.

He was doing EVERY-LITTLE-THING for her. From getting parts of her car fixed, to even carrying her down the street on his back when her feet hurt, and it was very admirable to a point because at times it made her look out to be like a little girl (He is 27, she is 22-23...granted, she is very immature herself but is trying to be an adult) and it pissed her off.

After he lost her the second time, I told him he really needed to back off on doing stuff for her because it smothered her independence and didn't make her feel like she "knew to do things alone". I told him that if her car broke down or she forgot to get something checked on whatever, it's HER problem. He has learned heavily and backed off. They hang out every once in a while but he doesn't go out of his way for her like he used to.

Your guy is very nice and it is very admirable that he does that stuff for you, he does not mean ANY malice. He's just a giver and unselfish and wants to show you that he's there. A constant male thing is to be "problem solver". However, too much of it can be smothering behavior and can put you in a bad spot.

You say you want him back anyways, but you do need to sit down and talk about this behavior. Perhaps try to identify with him "where it comes from?" and then tell him you need to figure out how to tone it down.

[Olenjka10]

Why did you break up in the first place? and whose idea was that ? Seems lke he is trying to win you back otherwise why wasting time doing stuff for you? He is clearly not over it. What about you?

[whatthehell]

Thanks for your responses
Damn2010-I can see that my exs behaviour is very similar to your friends's but I have not yet started to see it as annoying,I am very grateful when he does this stuff for me.My biggest worry actually,is that I will become a nuisance to him if every time we see each other he is doing stuff for me.For this reason I have refused his offers of help on the last couple of occasions.Right or wrong thing to do?I'm not sure....
Olenjka10-we broke up because I wanted some affirmation from him that he saw the relationship going somewhere,I didnt ask for a definite commitment,more a vague agreement that we might be on the same page.So I started the conversation but he decided to end the relationship.I am definitely not over him, even after 11 weeks,and it upsets me a lot that he clearly cares so much about me but cant see that he has made a mistake.Having said that,he did say a number of times in the first weeks after the break up that he may have made a mistake.He just didnt do anything about getting me back..........

[ccjc]

He just didnt do anything about getting me back..........

Problem starts right there. There are some guys who dont have a clue how to handle relationships as well as girls, in my opinion.
Sometimes, its helpful for guys to know little hints and if he fails to see those hint, just give him another one

I totally agree with the communication advice, if its not clear and out in the open then neither of you would be able to decide what to do. Without acknowledging what there is between the two of you, you wont be able to change a thing. No matter how determined your feelings are for each other.

damn2010,
Your friend is one lucky guy to get her back a second time. I wish I knew his secret!

[Gratedwasabi]

Problem starts right there. There are some guys who dont have a clue how to handle relationships as well as girls, in my opinion.l:

I laughed for about an hour at this. "Some guys who don't have a clue how to handle relationships as well as girls"

Is that a joke? Show me someone who knows how to "handle" relationships. They're bizarre, make no sense, and you can't mind read. It's always a crapshoot, you just need to do your best. As well as girls, huh? Do you know how many things most women do that drive guys away? You're not born with some ability to be awesome at relationships, all women annoy the piss out of us at some point.

Mini-rant aside, OP, it sounds like he misses you and is trying to get a chance to see you. It sounds like you both just kinda sat and waited for the other to tell you how much they cared and didn't want to lose you, but you both were too chicken to say it first. Sit down, tell him you miss him, and I bet he'll say the same. It sounds like his "I wonder if it was a mistake.." was a chance for you to agree, but instead you left him hanging and probably made him think you didn't agree. Relationships go 2 ways, hun, you need to throw your weight in too.

[sadlady]

Thanks guys, that helps a lot. You really hit the nail on the head gratedwasabi- so many times it has appeared that he has made excuses to see ne and even when I have said I'm ok, I don't need help, he insists on coming over. Ccjc- I think you are also right. He doesn't seem to know shat he wants most of the time though so even though I've hinted, nothing has changed!!

[whatthehell]

Hi guys. So after a very unexpected turn if events I have decided to give up on my ex. Today I was feeling very emotional (pmt) and lonely (Christmas). I text my ex asking how he was enjoying his holidays from work. He replied that he wasn't up to much. I said I wasn't either and, if he wanted company he should come over. He said thanks but he was at his parents. He never spends more than an hour with them and they live close to me so if he wanted to see me it would have been easy for him. My invitation wouldn't have surprised him as he has come over many times since the breakup. I said ok to thus. Few mins later he texts asking if I'm alright. I decide to be honest and tell him that I'm missing him a lot. His response was "you'll be ok!I'm very dull, you're not missing much!" I expected at least an "I miss u too" in response, especially given his recent behaviour! What do you guys think? Time to throw in the towel?

[breakupguy]

Communication absolutely is key,I completely agree with you!The reason that the relationship ended was that we didnt communicate enough and never talked about 'us' so I became very insecure and more or less pushed him away when we did finally talk.I guess I have been putting it off because I'm afraid if I talk to him and he says he definitely does not want to try again,then it will be over for sure....cowardly I know.....Thank you for your advice,this is what I need to do!

Well it sounds like you guys have a shot at getting back together, as it sounds like you both want to get back together, which is key. It can't be only one of you that wanna get back together. What are you waiting for, go get your man back, girl! :-)

[whatthehell]

You really think so? Even after what happened today? Usually I think I might be in with a chance but not so much now....

[breakupguy]

Oh sorry, you updated that while I was in the midst of typing my response (I had to step away for a bit in the middle of typing). I don't know now. I think you should ask him for a 30 minute talk regarding your relationship and your feelings. That way, you can begin your healing process (which requires no contact with him) if he says he doesn't want to get back together. As things are right now, you're wasting time in a sense, as you just hang there in limbo, unsure about what's going on. Talk to him about everything once and for all so that you can move on, regardless of the outcome of the conversation.

[whatthehell]

Thanks breakupguy. It seems that his attitude towards me changes a lot which I guess is what I'm finding confusing. When we are together he us very affectionate and as loving as he was when we were still a couple. When we are texting though he seems quite distant, almost to the point if being cold sometimes. He never was very good at texting though.....yes, a conversation us required here. I have a feeling I know what he will say when I put him on the spot but hey at least I'll know where I stand....thank you

[damn2010]

damn2010,
Your friend is one lucky guy to get her back a second time. I wish I knew his secret!

Haha oh man, no he isn't and neither is she.

My friend is a very good guy, very unselfish even towards his male friends. Hard worker, but not college-educated. But he is extremely short-tempered and has anger/jealousy issues. He'd be a real catch if he could get over all his anger issues. He's from Jersey and Italian, not the guido-type but trust me the stereo-types are there: hot-tempered, into their looks, and as much as they might deny it...they LOVE drama.

The girl has daddy issues (he sadly passed away) as well as other past issues. She's trying to be an adult and "grow up" but is mentally and emotionally still immature and scarred. She can string my friend along because she is the only girl he has actually been so deeply in love with. But she can't let go of him and neither can he. So they play constant jealousy games but they hang out as friends.

They've called each other every name in the book, they've made each other angry and cry and run towards other people, but they have a deep connection. As toxic as it is...it's there. They just need to stop communicating all together and I think each other would be happier.