She left me on Christmas day...

[Lost Tom]

Hi there everyone, I'm Tom. This is my first post as I feel I need a place to vent - or hope to get some advice from you 'experts'!

So here goes:

Almost exactly two years ago I found the love of my life. It really was a match made in heaven, we suited each other perfectly and it was like no feeling I every felt before. I had waited a long time to meet the right person, 8 years of serious searching, so it was also a great relief to finally be truly happy. She also felt the same way, she said that she feels a different person and her colleagues noticed too.

We had a fantastic couple of years and were very much a loved up couple - everyone around noticed that. The affection and love never subsided and we shared some great experiences together such as a hot air balloon ride, and a long holiday to Australia plus a lot more. She still lives with her mother and I have my own place and although she's 9 years younger than me we often forget that fact as everything seems so natural and right. We spoke on the same level, we comprimised rather than argued and we shared the same future dreams of getting a house, marriage and kids.

Then a couple of weeks ago we had a bit of an arguement over something small which is rare. She then proceeded to break down and say that she is depressed and can't be with me anymore. This was shocking to hear. We were both very upset and she said she feels we are drifting apart, the relationship has become routine and we are more like best friends than lovers. With me in tears she continued to tell me things about her past that she's never told anyone and it's affecting her more than she knew. I put my upset to one side and comforted her, told her it'll be ok and we'll find some help together.

Minutes later we were kissing again, still upset, but it felt real, like she'd made a mistake, and we ended up in the bedroom.

The next morning we put a plan together as she accepted she needed help. We booked the doctors, got some time off work and a talk with a counsillor. Everything was gonna work out, but she said she needed some space from me. We decided to just get through Christmas and then sort our problems out. Days before Christmas she sent me the lovliest, most heartfelt text i've ever read about how much she loves me and thanks me for being there.

Christmas morning and all was fine - we were at her mothers so it was the three of us. An hour before dinner was ready unfortunately she started to feel unwell, shivering, sore through - signs of the flu we thought. This put a slight downer on the day but we ate dinner and got through it. Later that day she needed some time alone and went up to bed. An hour later her mother went to see if she's OK and 10 minutes later thay both came down and asked me to leave. She didn't want to be with me anymore. I begged for her to reconsider but she was just cold about it and I was heartbroken.

After saying i'll always love you I got out of there, confused and incredibly upset.

She has since been over only to collect her things from my flat, and to say a final goodbye.

I want her back so dearly as she is the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. She has a great heart and didn't want to hurt me but thinks it's for the best. The way she was acting wasn't like her at all. I have tried to follow advice of not contacting her as hard as it has been. I can't eat, sleep and have never cried so much in all my life over anything.

I would do anything to get her back.

Thank you reading, it's been good to type this all down but the pain in my heart just won't go away.

Tom.

[dan2k7]

You are doing the right thing by not contacting her. If she truly loves you that much she will make serious steps towards getting back with you and not just screwing around with your head. It is hard but for now the best you can do is keep yourself busy and get on with life as much as you probably don't want to at the moment.

[hope555]

I am terribly sorry to hear your story...it sounds heartbreaking. I think at this point you only have one option, which is to give her some space. I can imagine her state of mind and this must be tough for her too and extremely confusing. She needs space to think and figure this out for herself, and there's not much you can say to change her heart...at least nothing that will change her heart for good. That she needs to do on her own. After maybe a month or two, contact her, and try talking to her about it. But never pressure her or cling to her. I hope things works out because its hard to find someone you truly love...but at the same time, if you fight for this and it doesn't work, this wasn't the true love you thought it was and you will find someone else. Good luck.

[Lost Tom]

Hi,

Thanks for the lovely replies!

It is so hard resisting the urge to text or ring her. I just keep on wondering what might be going through her head, does she miss me, or is she getting over me and getting on with things. I am a patient man normally in life, but with this I feel I need to act now to fix things! I won't though...

One other thought that occored to me, what if she regrets her decision about leaving me, but doesn't want to tell me as she doesn't want to mess me around. I know she still cares you see so she may be trying to be kind. That would be a crime, but it is a big IF.

I don't know, it's new years tonight, do you think a quick Happy New year text would be OK?

Tom.

[smackie9]

Dude I have bad news for you. When someone pulls a 180, it means they have met someone else they are intrigued with. She may not be seeing someone per say, but she could be having an emotional affair with another man, maybe over the net. This would put question to whether she wants a future with you, when she has these feelings for someone else. Sorry dude, it's not looking good.

[hope555]

I don't know if she necessarily has "someone else" in her life. There are many other reasons a girl can have to act this way. I don't know, but it is best not to speculate, and take care of yourself for now.

Did you end up texting her? I know I personally do things out of logical reason...and early after a breakup, even if it was a mistake, I would text him. But if you could refrain,you most definitely should as she needs space and any communication probably bothers her and creates more confusion and angst in her head. Let us know how you're doing.

[Raze]

She still lives with her mother and I have my own place and although she's 9 years younger than me

That's a big age difference. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

I begged for her to reconsider but she was just cold about it and I was heartbroken.

I understand that you really loved her, but begging won't help. Begging is for dogs (no offense). It's best not to beg because you keep your dignity. You will be okay.. just never beg again.

[playfulfox]

give it time! could she be pregnant?

[Lost Tom]

Yes I did send a quick happy new year text and she repied straight away - but gave nothing away. You see we agreed to end on good terms and try to keep only happy memories.

She just posted the following on facebook and i'm a bit confused by what it means?

---
why do our emotions always get the better of us? Why is it when we start, we can never stop, be it love, hate, crying or laughing? How can our feelings make us feel like the most important person in the world...and the most insignificant? Some are better at coping with them than others...but it seems to me that it's the ones that seem to cope the most that break down the worst.
---

If only I knew what was going on in her head! And no, she's definately not pregnant.

[hope555]

I think every single one of us on here would love to be able to know what is going on in their heads, so we can act accordingly and more decisively. The truth is, they don't know with clarity what they're feeling either. Things are much more complex than they seem when it comes to an emotion such as love. I wouldn't try to decode a facebook status to try and understand her thoughts...it does absolutely nothing than to just mess with your mind. It CANNOT be decoded...trust me. o point wasting your mental peace on it. Thats why most people suggest removing the person that hurt you from facebook to help you move on. I know its early for you, but if you really want to move on, that will be a step you might have to take. For now, don't overthink things and stress yourself out. Take a deep breath and give her time...trust me when I say this only make her respect you more! You're doing vey well...hang in there and take things calmly and with a clear head...focus on yourself for the next few weeks and do anything tht will lift your spirits. Good luck!!

[angela85]

Hi Tom..
Im afraid I am confused what she meant about what she posted on her facebook. Sure thing there is troubling her.... Maybe she want new lifestyle and too shy to ask you... Yeeah theres a lot of MAybe... Im asking myself also. Its hard to assess what really she thinks of.

[twinrexes]

"a couple of weeks ago we had a bit of an arguement over something small which is rare. She then proceeded to break down and say that she is depressed and can't be with me anymore. This was shocking to hear. We were both very upset and she said she feels we are drifting apart, the relationship has become routine and we are more like best friends than lovers. With me in tears she continued to tell me things about her past that she's never told anyone and it's affecting her more than she knew. I put my upset to one side and comforted her, told her it'll be ok and we'll find some help together. "

I'm guessing she's been thinking about breaking up for a while and needed to start an argument to get her in the right space for "the talk". Adding all this depression and life issue stuff is just a way of distracting you and making you think "it's not you it's me". Really, she just wanted out and you didn't go for it. Instead you suggested you stay together and she get help.

She doesn't necessarily need professional help. I think she just wants to see what else is out there. Things got routine with the two of you, as they ALWAYS do in relationships. And she wasn't feeling all starry eyed and full of the endorphins that accompany the honeymoon phase, so she figured that meant she'd fallen out of love. And maybe others here are right, maybe she's found someone else she's feeling all weak in the knees about, so now THAT person must be "the one" for here.

She became physically ill because she needed to break free, felt she couldn't, and had a visceral reaction. Seen it before, even been there myself. Her mom figured this out and realized you had to go in order for her daughter to heal.

Look, she needs space right now. She's 9 years youger and living at home so I'm guessing she's not all that experienced. She's wondering what she might be missing or if there's someone/something better out there. You'll never get anywhere by preventing her from finding out.
So maybe she'll get with some other guy and find out that sooner or later that one gets "routine" too. Who knows how many times she'll have to go through that scenario before she "gets it" or if she'll start missing you right away. But even if she regrets her choice and wants you right badk right away, I would resist and tell her she needs to take that time for herself, even though you still love her.

[xxazurexx]

She's likely wanted out for a long time, but has hung on in the relationship hoping her feelings might change and they havn't.

Sad thing is, is that once we females make up our minds that something is 'over', we leave and we rarely go back.