2 Months broken up, and here I am. Advice Please!

[Tricia2710]

So I'll try my best to make this short, and to the point. I posted my story on here a few months ago last year. I'll just give a quick recap...

My ex broke up with me 2 months ago. I had a really hard time with that. I thought he was the problem, and it was his fault etc etc. After last night I think I truly figured out why we split up. I saw him for the first time since our break-up. I'll get to that in a minute.

I was in a realtionship before this most recent one for a year. We split in January of 2010. Him and I ended up moving into a place together in October of 2010. That was my first time away from home living in my very own place. I started to grow with him, and I thought he was going to be the one. Well needless to say, the immature person that he is, he just walked out. He didn't want the responsibility of living on his own, nor did he want a relationship. It was just awful. I suffered emotionally from that quite a bit. I didn't realize how bad that situation really was. So unfortunately, because I wasnt fully healed, I lost the recent relationship. I waited 4 months after our break-up before I started dating this most recent ex, but again, that wasn't long enough. My emotions got the best of me, and I became a different person. It took over me, and took over my life.

I'm pretty hurt by my actions in this recent relationship, but he wasn't the nicest to be either at times. I made up lies, I tried to get my way with certain things and I just couldn't be an adult about things. But now I truly figured out what the issue was, and I feel good about it. Now I know what it is, so I can work on it better. I'm in therapy, and I think thats a great first start. I'd like to make 2011 a better year.

So to get to my story I need advice on. I saw him for the first time in almost 2 months. Here is the story:

Well Its been almost 2 months since I've been broken up with my ex. During that time, I have spoken to him off and on. It wasn't all nice texts, but there were some that were civil. We spoke on Christmas, and New Years. I initatied contact both times. He was very nice about it. Nothing mean was said. It was really good to talk to him. During our conversation, I think I ruined the good mood for us. I asked him to meet me for coffee. I think he was uncomfortable with doing that. I unfortunately was a bit too persistant for his liking, so I did upset him by acting that way. At the time, I didn't think it was so wrong. We haven't talked since I reached out to him on New Years Eve. And again, on that same day, I asked to meet for coffee. I think I blew it at that point. I became upset, and so did he. He said it wasn't a good day to meet, and he didn't feel up to it. I should have left it alone then, but I didn't. I was a bit pushy. So after that, he advised me to not contact him anymore, and that it was over, and we would never be friends. So ok fine. I blew it by asking. I didn't say anything to him after I responded to that text. I thought I would NEVER hear from him again.

So I'd say an hour passed, and I recieved an text message. I look to see who it is, and it was my ex. The message just contained the word "Do" so I responded back with "Excuse Me?" and he responded with " I'm sorry, I butt cheek texted you" I thought about that for a few minutes, and found that to be very odd. First off, he ALWAYS clipped his phone to his side pocket, and he has an iphone. He ALWAYS locked it. I didn't think that was possible to "accidentally" text someone. So I figured he did it on purpose. So after he apologized for "butt texting" me, I erased the message, didn't respond back, and put my phone down. About 5 minutes later, he texted me againg! and said: "OK Tricia23, If you really want to see me, I'll let it happen. I'm at home and you can come here" I was shocked. So I accepted. I got to his house about 30 mins later, and I stayed for a few hours. We talked about how our lives were, and what we were doing at the moment, work, etc etc. We then touched base about my persistance on wanting to see him, and some of the reasons our relationship failed.

It was hard to talk about those things with him. He did apologize for bringing them up, but its obvious, it was going to be brought up anyways. So again we talked. I did end up crying and apologizing to him for all the pain/problems/ etc I caused him. He appreciated my apology, and embraced me with several hugs as the tears ran down my face. He sat there and hugged me still. It was nice. I was in his arms again, and I liked it. So we ended up cuddling with each other. Again it was very nice to be there with him. Afterwards, we started a serious talk again. During our first conversation, before the cuddling, I did advice him that I was in therapy to better myself. He was proud of that accomplishment for me. It was nice of him to show his concern for that matter.

So in conclusion, he said the following: I can't be so persistant with him. He's open to communicating, but not daily, weekly etc. He said if I needed anything, he'd be there if he could. He also said that I needed to work on fixing all of the problems I had during our relationship, which I KNOW caused the relationship to fail. My emotional side took over me, and ruined "us". I truly realized how awful of a person I was being.

I explained again, that I was getting help to better ME. I responded to all that he had asked, and apologized for all of my wrong doings. He knew I was serious about that. We touched base on several other subjects, but nothing worth bringing up. I know this means nothing for us, but I can't help but be glad. Glad I got to see him, and glad we embraced in affection. I needed that from him. It may or may not have been wrong. But seeing him, really made me realize the things I truly needed to fix.

And lastly, he did say I needed to respect him, buy letting him go on with his life, and not texting him as much. He also did say he was going to be more open-minded with me. He said it was completely and 100% over. But he did say anything could happen in the future, and he's open to whatever happens. If anything did EVER happen, I would have to be completely different, and that I know.

I do have a diffferent sense of feeling right now. I'm happy in a way, but also confused too. I do care alot about him. He's just very emotionally scared from the awful behavior. I don't blame him. I've been pretty hurt too myself, about how everything happened. If we ever do cross paths again, I'd really like to show him I'm a changed person once and for all. I am getting the help for ME. Not for him. I know I need to fix things, and I will. I just want to let go of that terrible past, and make the future nothing but bright and happy no matter where it takes me.....



Advice would be appreciated!

[sweetkissesforu]

Way to start a new years with hope and change awesome

[IncognitoSir]

Damn girl, you are really ****ed up in the head. Not to be mean, but this guy has an emotional grasp on you and he knows it. He's got you admitting that you're the SOLE reason the relationship failed. 9/10 thats never true! He realizes how badly you want to be with him and he's taking complete advantage of you. I'm not sure what you discuss in your therapy but unless you address the real issues that plague your relationships you want get far. I know a girl like you, she's always getting hurt by some guy and never slows down enough to find out why it keeps happening. He fake text you on accident and ended up getting you to come to him. He broke up with you, yet you're still doing what he wants you to........thats a problem.

[Tricia2710]

IncognitoSir- Yes he broke up with me, but I'm not doing what he wants. I was the one asking to see him, and talk to him. He finally agreed because he felt bad. And I DO have emotional issues. I wrote in my post earlier that I need to fix those. I figured out where they came from, I wasn't emotionally ready to jump into a realationship so soon, and I did. I'm not taking any blame from him. He said he was emotional at times too, but I know mine was worse. It stemmed from alot of unresolved issues, so all I need to do is fix those and I will!! I also told him that I didn't want him back. Its just been hard for me that he left. I don't see anything as a problem. Its about addressing the issues that I have, and I certainly am doing just that!

[SelflessnHumble]

So I'll try my best to make this short

Well, you did say you that you would try, lol! j/k

I had a really hard time with that.
I thought he was the problem, and it was his fault.
After last night I think I truly figured out why we split up.
I suffered emotionally from that quite a bit. I didn't realize how bad that situation really was.
I waited 4 months after our break-up before I started dating this most recent ex, but again, that wasn't long enough. My emotions got the best of me, and I became a different person. It took over me, and took over my life.

I'm pretty hurt by my actions in this recent relationship I made up lies. I tried to get my way with certain things and I just couldn't be an adult about things. But now I truly figured out what the issue was, and I feel good about it. Now I know what it is, so I can work on it better. I'm in therapy, and I think thats a great first start. I'd like to make 2011 a better year.

From what I see in your posts you are taking responsibility for your actions and even more good of you
is the fact that you keenly identify where you went wrong and how!!! This is so good on so many levels!

I think the fact you are going to therapy says a lot bout your character in that you want to fix these issues
and I hope you become more well adjusted and learn to control your emotions!

Well Its been almost 2 months since I've been broken up with my ex.
It wasn't all nice texts. We spoke on Christmas, and New Years. I initatied contact both times.
I think I ruined the good mood for us. I asked him to meet me for coffee. I think he was uncomfortable with doing that. I unfortunately was a bit too persistant for his liking, so I did upset him by acting that way. At the time, I didn't think it was so wrong. We haven't talked since I reached out to him on New Years Eve. And again, on that same day, I asked to meet for coffee. I think I blew it at that point. I became upset, and so did he. He said it wasn't a good day to meet, and he didn't feel up to it. I should have left it alone then, but I didn't. I was a bit pushy. So after that, he advised me to not contact him anymore, and that it was over, and we would never be friends. So ok fine. I blew it by asking.

Look, I can understand you still have a connection with someone that is now an "ex."

BUT you cannot keep thinking that with each passing day, as you learn what and why you did was wrong...
That he is magically going to change his mind and want to be with you...

The best decision for you to make is to completely sever the ties
you have together and to begin a new chapter in your life: without a guy until you learn
that your feelings for him must be met with true closure before getting with the next guy -it isn't fair-

While you are aware of your issues you continue to allow them to control you and your actions/reactions.
If you cannot have a disagreement with someone over opinions and points of view then you don't respect
them for who they are...This doesn't work in relationships because:
People who have expectations are NEVER ever met with perfect satisfaction.

So I'd say an hour passed, and I recieved an text message. I look to see who it is, and it was my ex. The message just contained the word "Do" so I responded back with "Excuse Me?" and he responded with " I'm sorry, I butt cheek texted you" I thought about that for a few minutes, and found that to be very odd. First off, he ALWAYS clipped his phone to his side pocket, and he has an iphone. He ALWAYS locked it. I didn't think that was possible to "accidentally" text someone. So I figured he did it on purpose. So after he apologized for "butt texting" me, I erased the message, didn't respond back, and put my phone down. About 5 minutes later, he texted me againg! and said: "OK Tricia23, If you really want to see me, I'll let it happen. I'm at home and you can come here" I was shocked. So I accepted. I got to his house about 30 mins later, and I stayed for a few hours. We talked about how our lives were, and what we were doing at the moment, work, etc etc. We then touched base about my persistance on wanting to see him, and some of the reasons our relationship failed.

You are over thinking things and IF he has to text you (lying saying it was an accident) then he
lacks the maturity and the confidence to tell you how he feels. The issue with being this way means
that he will also intentionally omit other things in the relationship and it gets worse as time goes by.
Open and honest communication is key. If it's not there then one of you (YOU) needs to open up this
kind of dialog so he can hear how you feel and then he could possibly learn from your example.

He does seem to care about you BUT your instability creates distance between yourself and the one you want to be with.

So in conclusion, he said the following: I can't be so persistant with him. He's open to communicating, but not daily, weekly etc. He said if I needed anything, he'd be there if he could. He also said that I needed to work on fixing all of the problems I had during our relationship, which I KNOW caused the relationship to fail. My emotional side took over me, and ruined "us". I truly realized how awful of a person I was being.

It's great you had realized all of these truths.
Now you must apply what you have learned, not side step them whenever you get or feel wronged or upset.

I explained again, that I was getting help to better ME. I responded to all that he had asked, and apologized for all of my wrong doings. He knew I was serious about that. We touched base on several other subjects, but nothing worth bringing up. I know this means nothing for us, but I can't help but be glad. Glad I got to see him, and glad we embraced in affection. I needed that from him. It may or may not have been wrong. But seeing him, really made me realize the things I truly needed to fix.

Yeah, this is wrong.
Getting affection from someone you treated poorly in a previous relationship is a no no. (Why?)
You still have emotional feelings for this guy. It's a conflict of interest when you decide on being
just friends when the emotions are (in your mind) fresh...On one hand it is a kind embrace which you liked.
On the other you aren't doing yourself any favors by getting physically close to someone you still love.

2nd, seeing him shouldn't make you realize what you need to fix.
Your previous actions (evident by your own words) should make you realize this.

And lastly, he did say I needed to respect him, buy letting him go on with his life, and not texting him as much. He also did say he was going to be more open-minded with me. He said it was completely and 100% over. But he did say anything could happen in the future, and he's open to whatever happens. If anything did EVER happen, I would have to be completely different, and that I know.

I do have a diffferent sense of feeling right now. I'm happy in a way, but also confused too. I do care alot about him. He's just very emotionally scared from the awful behavior. I don't blame him. I've been pretty hurt too myself, about how everything happened. If we ever do cross paths again, I'd really like to show him I'm a changed person once and for all. I am getting the help for ME. Not for him. I know I need to fix things, and I will. I just want to let go of that terrible past, and make the future nothing but bright and happy no matter where it takes me.....

There is nothing to be confused about here.
Life isn't about what you think you will get based on your opinions and/or wants.
Life is all about NOT getting what want, and learning how to deal with the dissatisfaction in coping with it.
Life is all about experiences. This is just another experience where you must know some are great, others are good
and the vast majority are bad, but the benefit from each experience is that there is something to be learned and applied from each...

You are contradicting yourself here...
You say (and even repeat) how you are changing for you and are fixing yourself to better YOU.
Why then is it so important for him to see this change you've undergone? (This is a problem) and it won't stop until you stop it.

Letting go of the terrible past is very easy once you realize the truth (which is always self evident)
If you don't see it? You won't KNOW it, make sense?

"Yeah but it's just so hard because I miss him and...." <-------This is how you negotiate staying in that current state of mind
that enables you to still love him, miss him and care about him...If you honestly find yourself saying this
or feeling this way? It means you aren't willing to let him go due to your own selfish reasons.

(Thinking for yourself instead of the good of the both of you is: Selfish)

Your outcome of this break up is the direct result of your actions and emotions running wild over you.
Sometimes in life you get 2nd chances and even then it is up to him, not you.
Respecting his position means that you will honor it and won't act too clingy when you're just friends.

I think it's great you identify and target what you need to fix for yourself in order to be a better you!
However don't veer off the track thinking he will just suddenly run to you in slow motion,
realize how much he loves you and hold you forever under the stars...Life doesn't work that way.

[Tricia2710]

SelflessnHumble- I truly appreciate your kind words on every part of my story. It really means alot that you have taken the time to go over certain paragraphs and advise me on them.

I know I contradicted myself on that one sentence I wrote. I guess I want him to see that from me, if him and I were still to be friends and or hang out. I really want to erase that whole entire past of mine and just do my best to fix myself.

I'm trying my best not to think about him constantly. I really don't have a big urge to want to text him anymore. I'm feeling better knowing that I have identified my issues, and I'm taking the proper steps to fix them.

Does it mean anything when they say "I'm open to what happens in the future" or is that their way of just trying to be nice.

Its been better for me, and I feel it can only go up from here....

[SelflessnHumble]

SelflessnHumble- I truly appreciate your kind words on every part of my story. It really means alot that you have taken the time to go over certain paragraphs and advise me on them.

I know I contradicted myself on that one sentence I wrote. I guess I want him to see that from me, if him and I were still to be friends and or hang out. I really want to erase that whole entire past of mine and just do my best to fix myself.

I'm trying my best not to think about him constantly. I really don't have a big urge to want to text him anymore. I'm feeling better knowing that I have identified my issues, and I'm taking the proper steps to fix them.

Does it mean anything when they say "I'm open to what happens in the future" or is that their way of just trying to be nice.

Its been better for me, and I feel it can only go up from here....

Well, you're very welcome...
The thing you just have to remember is that applied knowledge gained through experiences
is fundamental in knowing how to feel and how to control emotions.

You can never erase the past but you can learn from it which leads to your growth, maturity and development.
Look, it is natural to think about someone you want or even miss BUT he has made it perfectly clear
that he doesn't want to be with you. The faster you respect this the better you'll be.

The culmination of his words derives from a platonic state of mind in which he just doesn't feel
for you what you feel for him...When someone says that they are open to what happens in the future
9 times out of 10 it is a kind gesture indicative of a softy that doesn't want to hurt you further.

The issue with "sugar coating" people is that it can lead to the other person feeling contempt
once they've realized that the truth is always the best option to take...It does set people free.

Doing the right thing doesn't always "feel" right at the time especially when your emotions
are compromised by your own choosing...However consider that you are allowing this situation to
affect you and this is unhealthy for you.

True closure happens when:

(1) You look deep within yourself and in a mirror and you truly realize that you did the best you possibly could
with the circumstances you had to deal with (your instability for example) AND

(2) that no matter what choices you did decide to make: You must own them and accept the repercussions of them (no matter what) AND

(3) that realizing what you want isn't what you need in your life, no matter how strong the feeling may be.

[Tricia2710]

Thank you again... I figured in a way he was trying to sugar coat it, by saying " I'm open to what the future holds" I did ask him if he ever saw himself with me ever again, and he said "No" he said it was because of the terrible past we had, and he didn't want to go through that again. I do understand what he means. I would be very hesitant too, especially if it happened again.

He did say he'd be open to talking to me, but not often of course. He seems to be open to communicating. There were also a few things he said that made me feel he was unsure about. But again, I'm probably overlooking things. He had a relationship 6 years before we started dating, and he left her because he heard she was cheating on him. He said she tried to win him back, and he didn't budge. He also said he always hoped she would come back to him. But again they were together for 4 years. We were only together for 7 months. So I guess that's different.

I guess its just all confusing to me. I feel better now that I got to see him on Sunday. I think alot about the good memories we had, but I also wonder how and why its so easy for him. Yes, I've had a break up before, and yes I've tried to win that ex back, but something deep down inside is telling me otherwise about this one. It may be my emotions messing with my head, but then again I don't know. He's a wonderful man, and I wish I could have held on to him longer. I know that I've got to let him go. Gosh does that kill me, but I have too. I'm a very big believer in prayer. I've said this special prayer a few years ago when I wanted something so badly, and truth be told, the 2 times I said it, my prayer request was answered. So I'm back saying that prayer again, hoping in time we can cross paths again. I'd love to show him the progress I've made to better myself. I know he's going to date again, and that will hurt me if I ever find out, but the feeling that I get when I think about him is really unexplainable.

Maybe with time, he could be mine again..... But at this time, I have to let go. I just wish it wasn't so hard.... =(

[SelflessnHumble]

Thank you again... I figured in a way he was trying to sugar coat it, by saying " I'm open to what the future holds" I did ask him if he ever saw himself with me ever again, and he said "No" he said it was because of the terrible past we had, and he didn't want to go through that again. I do understand what he means. I would be very hesitant too, especially if it happened again.

Just a friendly heads up; if multiple people have helped you; there is a thank you button to show them.
It's all good because trust me I don't post for thank you's when all I'm really concerned with is
(1) showing you through a different perspective and (2) for you to realize the truth based on this.

If you ask a loaded question to someone who feels nothing for you: be prepared for disappointment.
See, you say you understand, but in reality you don't.
Understanding doesn't just mean you can "see" his point of view when it conflicts with your own
expectations of "possibly having a future with him" when you both are in better/different places.

Understanding is shown through your thoughts, feelings and subsequent actions.
If you're having to fake one of these to conceal your true intentions then you're lying to yourself<----and this isn't healthy.

He did say he'd be open to talking to me, but not often of course. He seems to be open to communicating. There were also a few things he said that made me feel he was unsure about. But again, I'm probably overlooking things. He had a relationship 6 years before we started dating, and he left her because he heard she was cheating on him. He said she tried to win him back, and he didn't budge. He also said he always hoped she would come back to him. But again they were together for 4 years. We were only together for 7 months. So I guess that's different.

You are reading much too deeply into things.
If he didn't take someone back solely because he "heard' a rumor he isn't going to take someone back (you)
with whom he has had first hand knowledge and proof of your bad behavior towards him! You also need to stop
making analogies comparing apples to oranges. Two similar sounding situations have NOTHING to do with one another
except for the common denominator: he preserves himself from being hurt by quickly getting rid of the catalyst: You.

It doesn't matter in the end what you did you him...
He wasn't willing to forgive you and support you while you undergo changes...
This means he doesn't unconditionally love you and there is someone out there who will.

I guess its just all confusing to me.

Once again you are telling yourself it is confusing so that you don't have to face the truth
and UNDERSTAND what is happening -regardless how many times you "say" you know what has to
be done, or how many times you "say" something to yourself. The repetitive saying things to yourself
can be considered conditioning so that as I had said previously: so you stay in limbo until he is ready for you.

I feel better now that I got to see him on Sunday. I think alot about the good memories we had, but I also wonder how and why its so easy for him. Yes, I've had a break up before, and yes I've tried to win that ex back, but something deep down inside is telling me otherwise about this one. It may be my emotions messing with my head

See, the above text in bold is VERY concerning to me.
You feel better because the one you love agreed to see you.
What does this say about you and what does this mean if you don't get to see him again?
Will you choose to be confused and try to lie to yourself again? Something like;
"I think it went very well seeing him..." then soon it will be "I think he might see the change in me"
then it will turn into "I think he will realize how much I truly love and care about him" then "why doesn't he want me back"
then you will reinvent having to proclaim what you did the 1st time....it is a cycle without an end.

Something deep down inside of me is telling me that YOU aren't doing the right thing considering
you think you can pick and choose the recovery processes that must occur for true closure.

(1) If you had it your way you'd talk every day and see each other each day. (this is wrong)
(2) If you had it your way: you'd be showing him affection and even more if he allowed you. (he has better judgment)

but then again I don't know.

Unfortunately you don't, but I do. (as do many others who've undoubtedly read your posts)
You are WAY too attached emotionally and you are having to try your hardest to show your poker face...

See, if you aren't willing to identify what you did, and that you are now taking steps to better YOU for you (not for him)
then you are doing everything in your power to become a better person...THIS is good. Obsessing over
someone who doesn't feel the same for you? -This is bad-

I've got bad news for "praying." (and I've got nothing personal against other people's beliefs/religions)
If you are to believe that God gave you free will, then you must know he cannot intervene and "answer prayers."
Millions of children DIE each year of starvation...Can we blame this on God?
If we are to believe the power of prayer is real, then the answer is an unequivocal NO! (this is my point)

Is it not selfish to ask "God" to answer your prayer: to reunite with your lost love while
little Timmy is praying for running water, or to have food on his table at least once a week?
See...it puts things in perspective how selfish a "prayer" is when you have people begging to live, much less
beg for someone back into their lives that they abused and took for granted...

I'd love to show him the progress I've made to better myself. I know he's going to date again, and that will hurt me if I ever find out, but the feeling that I get when I think about him is really unexplainable.

Maybe with time, he could be mine again..... But at this time, I have to let go. I just wish it wasn't so hard.... =(

I don't like to beat a dead horse and while I do have hope for you: this doesn't matter!
I could reveal why praying doesn't work: and why and how things worked out for you when you prayed before but
I think you wouldn't beLIEve me. But just in case:

Powerful thoughts coupled to speaking them aloud CREATE the environment for your
wish, prayer or goal to happen...This doesn't mean that it will...it just means the pieces are in place
for this want to happen. The defining factor doesn't lie with YOU...it lies in the other variables in which
you have ZERO control over, and this again...is life and how it works.

Anyway, showing him progress is foolish. Why?
It shows your motives for becoming a better person aren't just for YOU -it is for him too
and that post above confirms it...

The feeling you get is anxiety coupled to your hyper sensitivity that is heightened
in knowing that your poor treatment of a man you claimed you had loved was the catalyst
that enabled him to leave your relationship.

To know something means that the culmination of your expressed
unhappiness (via your regret in how you treated him) means that your actions NOW
would serve the right purpose and to exemplify "knowing" what you must do:

To let him go because: HE chose to give up and QUIT the relationship.
Even if it was due to your treatment: you made it clear you were very sorry and
that you were going to make a change. Honestly, if a person doesn't realize what
they have done to someone: how can they change and grow from it? (they can't)

He wasn't willing to give you that opportunity ONCE you had realize the exact error
of your ways.

If you "can't" do something or find the courage the ACT on letting him go:
You are saying to everyone and to yourself that you don't WANT to let him go due to your selfishness
and your delusion that once you have changed: he will take you back with open arms...

If he dates someone and it hurts you: HE didn't hurt you.
Your inability to rationalize and reason with yourself that HE is single and that he
wants a stable and loving relationship with someone else *not you* would be the cause of your hurt.

You're not trying hard enough if you use these excuses as the source and basis for
your continuous obsession and infatuation with someone who doesn't feel anything for you
no matter what he "says." His actions tell me a different story.

[angela85]

Your story is very sad. At the last part I thought of you two bring up together so sad it didnt result to that. Me too i am that kind of person an awful one...And try changing to a better one before its too late. From your story I think I had learned a lot. What do men really feels about women and dedicated on their decisions.

[BeneathTheSun]

There is just one thing that I need to underline don't listen to him when he says that: "anything can happen in the future" and don't look forward to showing him you've changed. This relationship is beyond repair. I Just need you to understand it. Get better for you and then find a new relationship that doesn't have this history and you will be twice as happy.