He Sleeps Over at His Ex-Wife's House

[Katydid]

Please Advise!
I have been seeing a great guy for a bit over 1 year now and he referrers to me as his "girlfriend". We live separately, are both in our late 30's and we are both divorced... I have 2 children from my marriage and he has NO children from his. Our relationship has become very close and we spend weekends and any other free days together (when my children are with their father). I am truly hoping to be with him for the rest of my life... or I "was" hoping.

Now, I am not so sure...

He is very close with his ex-wife- they talk on the phone often (usually it is his ex-wife calling him- asking advice on her daily decisions etc.) He was the one that ended the marriage and she has not had a serious relationship since...it's been years since the split. She lives in another state.

Before I came into the picture, she would visit him in our city and stay at his home...now when she comes to town she stays in a hotel. However, when he goes to visit her he sleeps over at her home...sometimes for extended periods of time. Just this summer he stayed with her for 3 WEEKS.... he was laid off at work and she provided him with work around her house. I was not at all comfortable with this situation, but tried to be understanding and supportive because of the financial necessity involved.

Here is my problem:
They share custody of the two dogs they adopted during their marriage, both of them are very attached to these dogs and trade them back and forth (hence all the visits between them).

Sadly, one of their beloved dogs died just days ago.

I rushed to his side and tried to comfort him... while I was there, he informed me that his ex-wife had purchased him a plane ticket and he would be staying with her for 5 days.

This feels unacceptable to me because the reason for staying with his ex-wife has changed from necessity to "emotional reasons". They will be supporting and comforting each other and there is no place at all for me to fit into the picture. I feel hurt and utterly like a third wheel in this relationship

I think this might be a deal-breaker.... am I overreacting???

[smackie9]

It's a deal breaker, end it.

[devonbrown]

They were a large part of each others' lives for a long time. They are still trying to find that ground between a spouse and an acquaintance. In other words, friendship.
However, you need to express your concern over how the situation makes you feel. If the ex-wife has been understanding enough to stay at a hotel when she comes to visit, your boyfriend should make the same efforts. But he may not even know that the situation bothers you as much as it does.
In this situation, I would say that you are definitely justified in your concerns and your unhappiness with his staying with her. He can still think of her as a close friend, even have some emotional ties (as friends and as people who know each other well), but he shouldn't exclude you from that.
What would happen if you offered to go with him to visit her? That might tell you a lot about what his mindset is.
But for now, the biggest thing is to talk openly with him. Make sure he knows how you feel. Don't give him any ultimatums right now, but you can gauge his reaction and see what he does once you are sure he knows about your feelings on it. That should give you all the answers you need.
Good luck!

[smackie9]

What really gets me is that he only spends time with you when the kids are not around. If you want to marry this guy, he should be enjoying time getting to know your children because lets face it, the kids are part of the package deal. What I see is a guy that's getting sex and still doing whatever he wants. I doubt very highly he is interested in "Forever" with you. You sound more like a booty call, than a future life mate.

[Raze]

He is very close with his ex-wife- they talk on the phone often (usually it is his ex-wife calling him- asking advice on her daily decisions etc.) He was the one that ended the marriage and she has not had a serious relationship since...it's been years since the split. She lives in another state.

It seems to me that she still has feelings for him and is still dependent on him. It seems that she was heavily dependent on him to make daily decisions when they were together. She is unable to make decisions for herself so she is depending on him to make decisions for her as if they are still married. This means that she is unwilling to let him go even though they have separated.

Before I came into the picture, she would visit him in our city and stay at his home...now when she comes to town she stays in a hotel. However, when he goes to visit her he sleeps over at her home...sometimes for extended periods of time. Just this summer he stayed with her for 3 WEEKS.... he was laid off at work and she provided him with work around her house. I was not at all comfortable with this situation, but tried to be understanding and supportive because of the financial necessity involved.

I wouldn't be comfortable if I faced with that situation. You have no idea what they do when they are together. They could be doing anything - you just don't know.

[xxazurexx]

Maybe I'm just a heartless bitch, but if a partner of mine ran off to spend days comforting his ex and because a dog died, I'd tell him to stay there.

Personally I think he's taking the piss out of you and the dog is a lame excuse to spend time with his ex.

I know people can get close to pets, but really....this whole thing of people sharing custody of animals is laughable - we don't hear of that that kinda thing over here and I reckon it's used an excuse for couples to not cut the ties and still have contact.

It's usually KIDS people share custody of.

[xxazurexx]

It seems to me that she still has feelings for him and is still dependent on him. It seems that she was heavily dependent on him to make daily decisions when they were together. She is unable to make decisions for herself so she is depending on him to make decisions for her as if they are still married. This means that she is unwilling to let him go even though they have separated.



I wouldn't be comfortable if I faced with that situation. You have no idea what they do when they are together. They could be doing anything - you just don't know.

Probably still shagging the pants off her.

[HeartIsAching]

I'd be uncomfortable with it, and I'm not the jealous type.

[VincenzoG91]

Five days? One for the funeral and um, um... what are the other four days for?

[Katydid]

Thanks for the feedback!!

They were a large part of each others' lives for a long time. They are still trying to find that ground between a spouse and an acquaintance. In other words, friendship.

Well...they have been divorced for many years so I would think they would have a better idea of what is appropriate by now. Actually, I am beginning to realize that SHE doesn't care what is appropriate because she never moved on...HE, however, has had many girlfriends since his divorce... maybe this a major reason is why all his relationships have failed?

What really gets me is that he only spends time with you when the kids are not around. If you want to marry this guy, he should be enjoying time getting to know your children because lets face it, the kids are part of the package deal. What I see is a guy that's getting sex and still doing whatever he wants. I doubt very highly he is interested in "Forever" with you. You sound more like a booty call, than a future life mate.

I didn't mean to give the impression that he never spends time with my kids... he is trying to get to know them even though he isn't very familiar with being around children. He always thought he didn't want children...he is really trying to adapt to be with me.

It seems to me that she still has feelings for him and is still dependent on him. It seems that she was heavily dependent on him to make daily decisions when they were together. She is unable to make decisions for herself so she is depending on him to make decisions for her as if they are still married. This means that she is unwilling to let him go even though they have separated.

I feel this is 100% true. He just doesn't seem to "get it" that this is not...normal? Their relationship began when he was just 19 years old and she was in her upper-20's (she is from China and didn't speak English well). I can't imagine why a woman that age would want to marry a teenage boy- they were together for YEARS and she never has been with anyone else... IT'S WEIRD!!!

Maybe I'm just a heartless bitch, but if a partner of mine ran off to spend days comforting his ex and because a dog died, I'd tell him to stay there.

This was my initial reaction when he told me he was leaving first thing in the morning...I was pissed off. Now (already staying at her house) he is mad at me...telling me I am being totally unsupportive.

I'd be uncomfortable with it, and I'm not the jealous type.

Thank You. I am not the jealous type either....I put up with her calling him almost every day....but this ...this is just too much.

Five days? One for the funeral and um, um... what are the other four days for?

Exactly. How did she think 5 full days was reasonable at the drop of a hat? Not to mention.... he is taking nearly a WEEK off work for this.... ummmm....makes it pretty unlikely he could ever go anywhere with me. Financial Problems and all. Plus...how did she know when she ran out and bought this ticket that he won't lose his job for just taking off a week of work unexpectedly? Actually he just might lose his job over this...

[shadowMike4d4]

guy sounds like an idiot, move on and find someone better.

harsh as that sounds someone has to have told him by now his relationships fail because HE is obviously attached to his ex.

[Lovable]

I have to agree with the rest of the people here, I think it's time for you to move on from this guy. He's had relationships, but they didn't make it, plus think about this. If he's hanging with his ex-wife while he's with your for a year, chances are he was doing it before & with the others ladies he was dating.

It's a pattern, the ex depends on him & he probably feels like that "knight on the white charger" coming to her rescue all the time. Honestly you don't need the drama, he won't see your side of things so what else is there.

Do you really think you can continue for years, maybe through a marriage with him, with his ex in the background & actually coming before you?