how to win back long distance ex i know still loves me

[oneflower22]

sorry im posting something really similar in two sections on here, im really feeling desperate for advice

My boyfriend of over a year left me last night. yet he couldnt really explain why and im rather confused.

we have a great relationship. hardly ever fought. he called me every single night to wish me sweet dreams. even when leaving me he couldnt deny he is still completely in love with me.

we are young, and in a long distance realtionship. i know the distance is hard on him. he also hates seeing me cry or hearing how much i miss him when are not together. my life is pretty planned out, but he has alot ot figure out and i think he wants space to figure out on his own. hes also very insecure, and has always worried hes not good enough for me and that im turning down men who could make me happier becuase im tied up with im.

i know its not about seeing other people either. he wants space, time alone. he has no itnerest in being with anyone else. he even admitted hell probably want me back. but hes so stubborn and sure its over now. i dont get it.

the reason he kept giving me that he cant handle hurting me anymore. he doesnt want to hurt me anymore. he loves me, so he cant hurt me. i assume hes referring to the distance. it dosnt make sence. hes th nicest guy i ever met.

am i just kidding myseld here that he doesnt really want to be broken up? that if i give him space, stop talking for a few weeks, then give him a casual call to see how hes doing he might realize how much he misses me and want me back?

also, what complimcates things is what happened after we 'broke up'. I wrote him a hundred reasons he lvoes me confident he would take me back. didnt work. so i asked him to make love to me one more time. it was great, and wasnt the last time that night at all. but it didnt work. after i got dressed and started packing, i broke down. this is what gets me. sex is just sex, im not kidding myself here. but he held my hand as i cried over him for hours and hours, and even though e has work in morning stayed throught the night just olding me, listening to me rant, telling me id be strong and be alright. no man would do that for you if i doesnt love you, would he?

so where do i go from here? im about to be half way across the country. i messed up infront of him when he left me. i told him i loved him, i would wait, i knew he would come back. but ive sucessfully cut contact since i left.

how do i win him back? do you think he does still love me?

im only a college junior and i know i have alot of time ahead of me. this may not be 'the one' but he sure as hell is a good guy worth fighting for. i cant give up on our relationship. how do i save it?

your help would be greatly appreciated

[Dean Kaplan]

You need to go at least a month without contacting him. Perhaps it will make him miss you and come back for you, maybe it won't. But the 30 days is more importantly for YOU. You are in a state of intense emotions and desperation, and it's impossible to make the right decisions under such conditions. Give yourself a makeover, go to the gym, get your teeth whitened, do things that will help you feel even better about YOU. The confidence that you'll have from your "tweaks" will make you more attractive to him the next time he sees you.

An improved look combined with the time you took away from calling him will be hard for him to turn down in a month if you can hold out. It's reverse psychology in a way. Make him think you've moved on, and at the same time, you're preparing to move on, in case he doesn't come back. It's a win-win for you.

[carlosaugustine]

Hello dear,

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I have first hand experience of my own long distance relationship and subsequent broken heart from way back when I was in college. Even though it's over 20 years later, I still feel some emotional pain. Your situation is a bit more curious. Your boyfriend claims he does not want to hurt you and therefore the only way to not hurt you is to break up with you? I'm truly baffled by this. In any case, he's gone and you want to figure out how to get him back.

Well, there certainly is no harm whatsoever in working on improving your self image, but you need to really find out why he is breaking up with you. His explanation doesn't really cut it. You must know someone on his end who will recognize that what he is doing to you is totally beyond the pale, I mean totally. Is there anyway you can find out from his close friends or family what is going on with him?

There are only a few options here, you know. Have you considered that there is something you are doing that is turning him off and he doesn't have the heart to tell you or doesn't want to have to deal with all the conversation? Are you sure you aren't smothering him?

I also think it's a good idea to stay out of contact with him for a bit. If he calls you again, you should say that breaking up was a great idea and that you are really looking forward to moving on...then wait and see what happens.

[foreverxlove]

Seems like he cares a great deal about you, but doesn't truly love you, love you. Of course I could be wrong and I'd like to be for your sake, but this is just how It seems based on the information provided.

[xxazurexx]

He's ended it and he's ended it in the nicest way possible.

My guess is, he's met someone closer to home.

[hello123]

my situation is EXACTLY the same! it sucks so bad...no closure at ALL! If you want to talk about it, feel free to skype me, tnk1121. it would be nice to vent to someone who understands...

[needs advice]

I am in a very similar situation. We had been dating for 2 years, a year of it was long distance, and I still care for her very much. However, I am the one who ended it. The long distance thing has just gotten to me, and I do not see the situation changing anytime soon. But I am already questioning my decision. The reason I ended it was because I feel it it is best for both of us. I love my ex, but I haven't been missing her lately, I haven't been longing to see her, and I have just been feeling guilty that I am feeling like this, sort of like I am leading her on.

I have always treated her with the utmost respect, and I just felt like I needed to be honest with her and myself. I think she is feeling the same way you were, very confused and upset. It broke my heart to tell her how I felt, I hated hurting her and I hated seeing her cry. She asked me if there was anything she could say to make me change my mind, and I told her that right now this is how I feel.

I know she still loves me and wants to be with me, but I need some time to try and figure out what I want. If I am going to be with her, I want to be able to treat her right and truly feel invested in the relationship. Right now I am not feeling that way, and I don't want to stretch this out any longer if it isn't going to work. I am going let some time pass before I come to any decision. I am not going to contact her for at least a month, but my question to you girls on the other side of situations similar to this is, if I contact her in a month or whatever and tell her I want her back, will she take me or will she have already moved on and reject me? How would you react?

[confused&single]

I am in a very similar situation. We had been dating for 2 years, a year of it was long distance, and I still care for her very much. However, I am the one who ended it. The long distance thing has just gotten to me, and I do not see the situation changing anytime soon. But I am already questioning my decision. The reason I ended it was because I feel it it is best for both of us. I love my ex, but I haven't been missing her lately, I haven't been longing to see her, and I have just been feeling guilty that I am feeling like this, sort of like I am leading her on.

I have always treated her with the utmost respect, and I just felt like I needed to be honest with her and myself. I think she is feeling the same way you were, very confused and upset. It broke my heart to tell her how I felt, I hated hurting her and I hated seeing her cry. She asked me if there was anything she could say to make me change my mind, and I told her that right now this is how I feel.

I know she still loves me and wants to be with me, but I need some time to try and figure out what I want. If I am going to be with her, I want to be able to treat her right and truly feel invested in the relationship. Right now I am not feeling that way, and I don't want to stretch this out any longer if it isn't going to work. I am going let some time pass before I come to any decision. I am not going to contact her for at least a month, but my question to you girls on the other side of situations similar to this is, if I contact her in a month or whatever and tell her I want her back, will she take me or will she have already moved on and reject me? How would you react?

EXACT same situation I'm dealing with. Only I'm the girl on the other side. He has no real reason as to why he wanted to break up. We've been together for almost 4 years and the past year it's been long distant. He told me its not that he doesn't love me, its not that he isn't attracted to me, it's not that he wants to be with anyone else...he just needs time to figure things out on his own for a while. I freaking hate that answer, but I am also beginning to understand it. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell. That doesn't mean that I don't hope and pray that he'll come around. So to answer your question...yes if she truly loves you...she'll be there (depending on how long it takes to figure yourself out). However she will more than likely have a wall up to protect herself for sometime. You will truly need to win her back and prove to her that she is what you want. And don't just do it for the first several weeks...make it a change and a change that she can depend on. This kind of a break up is probably one of the hardest ones to go through. Because you there isn't anything that you could do or change to make the other person come back. You feel totally rejected by someone you truly love and ironically KNOW that they love you in return. It just sucks..royally. Hopefully she'll still be there when you figure everything out...just don't take to long, because trust me..she'll be gone soon.

[DarkHelmet82]

yeah when peopel say... "i just need time." WORST reason ever.. just tell me that its me, so i can move on... its cowardice.

[confused&single]

To answer the original question, you already answered it. As I said before I'm in the exact same situation as you. No reason for the break up to happen so I've been pouring over what went wrong, what is he thinking...how in the hell could he do this to me? It's been almost two and a half months since we broke up and I can tell you that it's what he (and my ex) said. They just need space and time to figure out what they really want. However I think it's probably more like "who I am" than what I want. My ex is also young and just started his first professional job so I think he needs time to grow up...see what else is out there. And for whatever reason he feels like he can't do that with me right now. I know for a fact that he loves me...even if he won't say so right now, (how he acts when he's around me). But I'm finding that I also need this time right now to figure out me as well. I spent way to much time making him my life instead of figuring out what i actually wanted out of life. Career goals, places to live, ...really things that I wanted and not just what I wanted for "us". I'm not a whole person yet and neither is he. Neither are you...take this time as a blessing to figure out you. He clearly cares for you and I know it sucks..and you just want to call him up and cry to him and beg him to come back. But that isn't productive. He may come around..and he may not. I've heard that it takes men 6-12 months to begin to reflect and either get over or regret their decision to end a relationship. I've also heard on good authority that that's an accurate time line from multiple people. I know that seems like a prision sentence...but in that time you'll have grown and he'll have grown and if it's meant to be...it'll be. Hang in there...it really does get better with each day. And something my mom said to me really helped me... "It's not that he doesn't care about you...he still does, just give him time." You'll be fine soon hun..hang in there.

[needs advice2]

Hey needs advice, were you born in Germany?

Did you tell her that you were going to not talk to her for one month? Or did you just decide that on your own and then leave for a one month vacation? If so, I think that you are being immature and that if you do go back to her, you are going to have to explain everything to her and never mess up again. I say this because if you and she are as serious as you say, then she is going to look at what you did in two main ways: as something that her future husband could potentially do to her and your children...no mother wants a father that can or will just up and leave for one month or more for that matter; and as a sign of disrespect.

But other than so harshly critiquing you, I think the most pertinent advice I can expel is derived from your statements "I have always treated her with the utmost respect..." and "If I am going to be with her, I want to be able to treat her right and truly feel invested in the relationship.".

Often times, someone (S1) will say "I have always treated her with the utmost respect..." etc. for another (S2). However, in stating that S1 neglects the possibility that S2 might not define or interpret "___" in the same way as S1. RIght now it sounds like you think you should treat her a certain way, for a certain purpose, but have you actually talked with her and asked her what she wants and expects from you? Just a thought. One more thing, what is your girl friend like?

This is an interesting situation; please keep me updated.

[needs advice2]

Hey, I think you should really try to work it out with your ex.

I don't know the situation because you haven't told me, but I think you should fly in and surprise her, stay for a few days, talk, and spend some quality time together. When you visit though, make sure that at the beginning of the trip she knows that you are not thinking about getting back together again right away--merely seeing if you both still enjoy the others' company and that there is no need to rush into a serious relationship at such a young age. Then by the end of the trip, you know, tell her how you are actually feeling but that you still want to take things slow...she probably will too.

I think that the most important thing is that you should go visit her as soon as possible though. Even if you guys ended on a really bad note and were fighting, you are in control of the situation now and can amend all the wrongs you have done--if there have been any (e.g. ceasing communication for one month with no notification)--by simply visiting and showing that you do indeed care and are trying.

Also, i think it is important for you to not be so impatient. It seems like you are trying to rush into knowing who you want to marry 100% and declaring that you do or do not want to marry her right now. Slow down, focus on yourself, let her focus on herself, but be on good terms. Think about the past. Maybe she has hurt you, but has she helped you a lot too? Maybe even more than she has hurt you? Take things into perspective and try seeing a counselor. You might actually have a really good relationship but it is just looked down upon because the normal relationship is not a good one. Do not be intimidated by those around you and let go of our ego. Is she worth it? Most times girls that are ready to be that committed are. You should really take advantage of someone like her. If she did make a mistake, consider the situation and ask her more about it. Did she perhaps do it with good intention? Often times, girls that are actually more genuine than the best of them end up making a mistake early on because they want to make sure that they do not commit to a man they cannot actually commit to. If this is the case, forgive her, forget about it, and don't just try, succeed and force yourself to move on to a new chapter where her previous action is nonexistent, but where you two are still the characters in love and working together as a team to better yourselves independently.

[relationship999]

You need to go at least a month without contacting him. Perhaps it will make him miss you and come back for you, maybe it won't. But the 30 days is more importantly for YOU. You are in a state of intense emotions and desperation, and it's impossible to make the right decisions under such conditions. Give yourself a makeover, go to the gym, get your teeth whitened, do things that will help you feel even better about YOU. The confidence that you'll have from your "tweaks" will make you more attractive to him the next time he sees you.

An improved look combined with the time you took away from calling him will be hard for him to turn down in a month if you can hold out. It's reverse psychology in a way. Make him think you've moved on, and at the same time, you're preparing to move on, in case he doesn't come back. It's a win-win for you.

I have to agree with Dean. Stay out of contact and concentrate on your life. If he doesn't come back then at least you can move on and if he wants to come back he will let you know. Good luck!

[Enchanté]

I once read somewhere that no matter the reasons for a breakup, the motivations, or the uncertainty, once someone breaks up with you, even if all signs hopefully point to getting back together, act as if you never will. It's not healthy to dwell on what could happen or what happened. Your mulling over the break-up won't change his mind or the way you feel. Assume that it is what it is and start being yourself again. I know this is incredibly difficult--trust me I can relate to your situation as I'm not even two months into my break-up and I struggle with letting him go every day. But you have to focus on your own strength and moving forward into your own future, not his. Who knows, maybe he will come back, things will work out, but that's not where you are currently, and you can't concern yourself with what-ifs. It seems an impossible feat to accomplish now, and it's hard to focus on anything but him, but you have to try. For your own sake.