Am i over reacting???

[rabbit151]

Hi all im new to this forum, and im stuck in one hell of a dilemma, im hoping some wise person can show me the light.

Let me give you some background on the relationship first.
I met this woman at work, i had worked there 2 years before anything happened, other than the odd bit of flirtation. So we got together and within the first 3 months of us being together she fell pregnant, and wanted to keep the baby. So at this point i think its too early in the relationship but theres nothing i can do she wants to keep the baby. I decide that im going to do my best, anyway as the relationship has developed, i have become aware just how insecure and little self confidence she has. So ive tried to help her feel better about herself, which really isnt working. The problem is she is really controlling and possessive, let me give you a few examples.

I can no longer see any of my friends, if i do i get 20 questions on who was there, what you talking about, in a nasty way.

I am unable to go out with my own brother unless we stay in, and she drops me off at his house then picks me back up before 11pm

I am unable to talk to any female co-worker even though my job requires this (IT support)

I Used to play pool for a team, but now she wants to come with me.
In fact she wants to come with me all the time, everywhere.
I feel as though she cant do anything by herself, even shopping.

If i havent text her or phoned her while ive been at work i get the cold shoulder all night.
If she texts me and im really busy and dont text her back for a couple of hours i get the cold shoulder.

but this is it where it gets really silly

I am unable to watch any film that has an attractive female lead or co-lead in it or any film at all that has an a attractive woman in it.

If we are watching a soap and the commercials come on and there is one advertising a new shampoo and its Cheryl Cole for example, i must look away.

If i am watching coronation street and someone comes in who she deems to be attractive, again i must look away.

If we go out any where i feel like i should really look at the floor to avoid any arguing later on, i.e i saw you looking at her.

One of my favourite shows was shameless but i am no longer allowed to watch this as it sometimes has risqu� parts in it.

it may seem like a small thing but its really starting to get me down, because i used to have a wide variety of shows and movies that i used to watch, but thats all stopped.

In other respects i cannot fault her, she is loving, she is a fantastic mother to our child, the house is always clean and tidy, she never expects me to get up to the baby, i can watch as much football,snooker,tennis or play on the xbox as i want, she'll do anything for me. Shes beautiful and i mean really beautiful, but i just dont know how much longer i can take this, i feel like im constantly walking on egg shells.

It doesnt seem to matter how many times i tell shes beautiful and im not interested in other women, she doesnt believe me, she has really low self esteem.

Shes terrified that i may find someone more attractive than her, even if its on TV.
If i could sort this out this relationship would work, but somehow i dont think i can, and very soon i can see myself packing my stuff and leaving.

Ive tried explaining to her that her behaviour is starting to drive me away.

I thought it might have been baby issues, but i have realised that she was like this before we got together i just didnt see it then.

Any ideas???

Thanks for reading

[RockNRoll]

She really needs to work on herself (self confidence, etc) with some professional consultant!

[hello1]

You silly man. You got a woman pregnant before even know what she was like as a person, now you are stuck with this woman for the rest of your life.

Tell her she needs to get counselling, you may be feeling bad BUT think how she is feeling, it must be hell in her head being that insecure all the time. If counselling doesn't work or she refuses to go then you must leave.

[rabbit151]

i know what a silly man i am, but there isnt a great deal i can do about that, and since hes been born i dont regret it, i love him more than anything.

[Aniphilia]

How old is she? you? I would like to say that there is a good chance she will get over this. What was her upbringing like? Religious? Did she have a jelous father or mother or mother with low self confidence? Yes counseling is great, you can go sometimes too, with her.

[rabbit151]

Shes in her 30's, ive asked her to try counselling, shes got no intention of going. I know her mother was married several times, and she had a bad time and felt very isolated, her dad stopped seeing her when she was 10, and now she doesnt speak to him, i realise this has something to do with her now. I mean there is only so much i can do to reassure her, and the rest has got to come from her.

[hello1]

Strange I thought you two were a young couple. By the way she was acting I thought she was an insecure young woman not an grown woman who must had previous relationship experience.

There is not much you can do if she refuses to get help. I had to leave my boyfriend till he finally realised he had problems and got the help he needed for himself and us as a couple to work. Maybe leaving is for the best, either way it goes

[rabbit151]

Strange I thought you two were a young couple. By the way she was acting I thought she was an insecure young woman not an grown woman who must had previous relationship experience.

There is not much you can do if she refuses to get help. I had to leave my boyfriend till he finally realised he had problems and got the help he needed for himself and us as a couple to work. Maybe leaving is for the best, either way it goes

I know, sometimes i feel as though im with a teenager, she came out of a previous 12 year relationship, and he was extremely possessive over her, and that is why she left him, ive tried reasoning with her and saying, look youre doing the same thing to me as he did to you, you know how it made you feel, well its making me feel the same way. When i say this to her, she understands and realises, but it doesnt take her long to forget as soon as some woman comes on TV.

I think you maybe right though i might have to walk, the horrible thing is, we work at the same place, well at least it will be easy to get hold of her to make arrangements for our Son lol

[VincenzoG91]

I assume that you've tried talking to her about all this. So insist on counseling together, or leave her. As long as you keep up with child support payments and don't act crazy, you should be able to get visitation or maybe even joint custody.

[rabbit151]

Well its been a while now, and things have gotten even worse, ive got to the point were im starting to despise her and being around her, i feel as though her whole world revolves around me, she has no friends, no interests, no hobbies, and slowly over the last 2 years i now have no friends, no hobbies, no life!!! im really depressed, i want out of this relationship, but i feel so guilty for leaving her.

she always makes me feel bad after an argument, because she goes on about how much she does and everything she does for everyone and how she tries her best and i just throw it in her face. I have begun to be lazy around the house, and even dont say much, the truth is i have no motivation, i dont see it as my future home and just dont care, i love coming to work just so i can spend a few hours away from her, when she isnt coming to my office to check on me.

She is a wonderful mother, a great house wife, but i feel so smothered i constantly feel sick, shes out right now buying me shirts for work and no doubt cooking something wonderful for when i get in, but cant she just realise i dont want all that, id just like her to get on with her own life and maybe do somethings she enjoys, and give me 5 minutes peace!!!!

The other night she had the xbox on all day (she does this because there is really no risk of any female coming into my field of vision) she turned it off for football which i watched, then when it had finished she put the xbox back on, so i thought fine, im going to go upstairs and watch a film, took my laptop up with me, within 5 minutes she was up screaming at me that i am watching things behind her back, well when she found out it was James Bond (casino royale) she hit the roof calling me a pervert and such for ogling half naked women.

I just dont have the energy to fight her anymore, and maybe i cannot see the woods for the trees but i really feel like i need out of this!!!

[BusyBee]

I have to say, you have a very difficult situation there. I mean, no matter how insecure she is, she needs to understand that you need to be a person outside your couple, you need to be yourself so that you can be a better boyfriend to her, she should understand it, by blocking you she is going to make you miserable and changed and then eventually you may not love her as much anymore or she may not love you.
Maybe, you should try and turn the situation around. Are you a jaleous person? Maybe you should start and be, irrationnally. If she has friends, pretend one of them has a crush on her and make a fuss about it.

[rabbit151]

no im not a jealous person, i used to be when i was younger but its something that ive dealt with and now feel very comfortable within myself. Ive tried what you suggested already, and she turns it around on me, saying shes not interested in anyone else, but half dressed women are around because men are perverts and thats what they like. i have become miserable, i used to be such a happy person but now im just down all the time, i can affoed to live bymeslf, but she cant which makes me feel guilty because we have a child together, and i know i have to see her everyday at work, how did i get myself into this mess. i started fantasising about living alone just being able to flick channels without feeling paranoid about some woman coming on the tv, or just renting a movie that i want to watch as apposed to the ones she rents, vets first then decides whether or not im allowed to watch it. Just going to the pub on a saturday afternoon with my friends and talking crap and play some pool, i dont know what to do!

[xxazurexx]

Guess this is what happens and when you get involved and before you KNOW a person.

I can imagine what you are going through and because I know her sort and have seen her sort in action....the sort that keeps their guy on a leash.

She needs 'therapy' ...there is something 'mentally' wrong with her.

If she refuses to seek help, you have two choices. Stay and put up with it, or leave....

[BusyBee]

You see, you're miserable now, what will you be like if you stay any longer? My brother was in a similar situation to yours. He met that girl, the started datng, 2 months later, she was pregnant, at first all went ok, they moved in together, my niece was born, lovely little girl. That's when the girlfriend started going weird, she became violent if my brother didn't agree with her, started forbidding him things and finally ran off for 2 weeks with their daughter not telling him where she was becos my brother didn't want a second kid and she wanted to be a full-time mum. Finally, my brother said enough and moved, but the situation has benn on/off for 7 years now and my brother is unhappy and I can only assume that she is and in between you have my niece who hopes her parents will get back together. I reckon you need to think of what's best for you and your kid.

[nymphomaniac]

Borderline Personality Disorder Alert.
- fear of real or perceived rejection or abandonment
- unable to keep up personal boundaries
- little to no self identity
- black and white thinking

Sounds like your woman is a high functioning, introverted bpd, suffering in denial and silence.
The title to your thread sounds to me like a classic non-bp (borderline's partner) reaction.
Do the people around you who know you both think you are over-reacting because she appears normal.