Fighting about money is killing my relationship

[cancankant]

My husband and I have a pretty good relationship, or so I thought. We have a lot in common, spend time together and generally agree with one another on major decisions, but recently we have been fighting over money constantly. I'm beginning to wonder whether he shares the same values I do with regards to finances.

He seems to take the opinion of "everything will work itself out, no matter what we do, since it always has before". I was raised to be very frugal and budget conscious and have always been this way. He is not a spendthrift, but he isn't as careful with money as I am. I have learned to accept this somewhat, but it still causes problems.

For example, we have been talking about getting a new computer with our tax return money. Doing some preliminary calculations, there might not much, if any, money left over once we do our tax returns. I mentioned this to him and he was upset that now we may not be able to afford the new computer for several more months. I am not willing to go into debt to buy an expensive computer that he wants for playing video games. I have suggested buying a video game system and just keeping our old, but very serviceable computer. He doesn't want to do that, so we're back to square one. The minimum for a gaming computer that meets system requirements for the games he likes is about $800. We've so far got about $350 saved up, which would actually be enough to get a Wii or XBox 360 and some games. I feel like pounding my head against a wall.

Then, he found out my parents were going on vacation and taking my sister. He actually was ticked off that I'm taking care of her cat because "didn't she just go on a vacation" (yes, about 6 months ago...and so did we!!! My mom took care of our cats, so I figure it's only fair. Well, he's irritated because I said that this year, it seems like we're going to be able to afford a computer or a vacation, not both. I don't want to go into debt for either.

I feel like I'm always the bad guy in this. I try to work on creative solutions, but we still have arguments and disagreements. I'm about ready to just give up, do things "his way" and make him clean up his own mess. We are in no way rich, but we've been able to live pretty comfortably because I've managed to be budget conscious and pay things off in a timely manner.

I've tried to get my husband more involved in our finances in the past, and he doesn't really seem to show an interest. We have a house payment, car payment and student loan payment (for his schooling) and these all come first before computers and vacations. To top it off, he has some medical bills that will be coming soon that may total around $1000 when all is said and done. This is stretching our budget to the limit and all the juggling of funds is starting to stress me out. We still have some savings, and I want to keep it that way.

Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks in advance!

[sadie_genie]

Sit him down and go through the budget with him. Lay down your monthly incomes and the monthly bills and go through the calculations with him so he can understand the limited budget situation. If he is not willing to put effort into managing the finance; he should at least be willing to sit down for this.

[Boisdevie]

If he doesn't understand your quite understandable point of view then suggest separate bank accounts.

[DavidDeAnge]

Just be easy with him, he probably haven't just accepted he is not a boy anymore make him realize that he is fighting for every dollar.

Go through the budget; what is the incomes/outcomes and decide how much should be spent on "gaming" and other sweet entertaining stuff.
Come up with how it would be separated for the sweet stuff and some future savings.
And biggest part is for gods sake don't let this come between your relationship it is just money meaning it just is some papers and not as worth as LOVE
Just work it out with him sit down and talk about the problem because 800 $ is not like getting a book its more considered as a investment.

Talk with him and it should work it out by it self- ( hopefully)

[cancankant]

We've been married for 12 yrs -- he's 39, so he's aware he's "not a boy", but I get your reasoning. I think he thinks we're at a stage in our life where we "deserve" things, but in my opinion, you don't just buy stuff to buy it. You have to earn it. So many people are living paycheck to paycheck because that is how they operate. Buy now and think about it later. I know that approach would only cause more fights because I am the one to deal with the aftermath.

He has another expensive gaming hobby as well -- miniatures. He basically only spends the money he gets as gifts for this right now, so I don't let it become too much of an issue, but he spent over $200 on miniatures for Christmas. His choice, but that $200 could have gone toward a computer that he wants!!!

Then the sour grapes and griping about a vacation. He decided he wanted a vacation more than a computer (supposedly). Now we are back to square one with it.

I've sat down with him so may times over the years and when he realizes our "budget", usually he says something like, "F*ck it then.", when he realizes that he is going to have to save a while for a vacation, computer, etc. A lot of the "extra" payments are for "his" things -- the car he drives (it is in my name, actually, but he goes further and the older care is less reliable) and his student loan payment ($300/month consolidated --- it's more than the car payment --- but I didn't select where he went to school).

For once, I'd like him to take the initiative about these things. Say something like, "I know money's tight, but I want a new computer so I'm going to (save up, find a way to make some extra cash, etc.). I feel like the pressure is always on me to "make it work" or that he feels that I'm keeping him from getting what he wants. I'm always just trying to be the voice of reason. When you are working within a lower level budget, you sometimes have to forgo the luxuries for a while. He seems to understand this, but accepting it is a different story.

Just be easy with him, he probably haven't just accepted he is not a boy anymore make him realize that he is fighting for every dollar.

Go through the budget; what is the incomes/outcomes and decide how much should be spent on "gaming" and other sweet entertaining stuff.
Come up with how it would be separated for the sweet stuff and some future savings.
And biggest part is for gods sake don't let this come between your relationship it is just money meaning it just is some papers and not as worth as LOVE
Just work it out with him sit down and talk about the problem because 800 $ is not like getting a book its more considered as a investment.

Talk with him and it should work it out by it self- ( hopefully)

[DavidDeAnge]

Well if you think you have made what you can you should find out how much you have in loans and other things you have to pay before the fun stuff and try to threaten him or like show him how much money he gets on his toys instead of investing on something good for the whole family.
You are right when saying he have to earn it, as it stands now until he follows your instructions he IS NOT earning anything
Be a bit hard on him because if he don't care about money make him see that you do take it seriously, because there is a chance it can be bad for your children to know you are fighting because of money.

If he really loves you to death, just sit with him, hold his hand, look in his eyes and tell him that this is bloody serious and that you love him but don't want money to come between your love.
Make him bealive he is not bill gates or some old billionaire he is a normal loving man and it will just do him more loving if he listens to you so make him see it as a high priority

[VincenzoG91]

He is still making student loan payments at 39? I'm 45, and I paid off my student loans 20 years ago. Admittedly, I didn't go to a fancy school or get multiple degrees, but if I had, I would have been making even more money to pay off student loans.

[Yet another guy]

The minimum for a gaming computer that meets system requirements for the games he likes is about $800. We've so far got about $350 saved up, which would actually be enough to get a Wii or XBox 360 and some games. I feel like pounding my head against a wall.

If your husband is anything like me when it comes to games, buying a game console is not like "meeting halfway". I'm a pc gamer and I find consoles almost entirely unenjoyable. So don't be upset if he doesn't warm up to that idea.

That said, you don't seem to be able to afford a new pc OR a vacation. I hope that he realizes the situation and that you won't let this strain your relationship.

[vashti]

How annoying to be saddled with a 39 year old man-child.

I don't suggest you let him do things HIS way - you will end up in debt that YOU will be 50% responsible for. Maybe he should sign up for some remedial course in budgeting?

[cancankant]

Maybe the loans will be paid off before we retire. He's been laid off a few times and went back to school for a while, so at those times, it was deferred. He went to private school, so we still owe over $30K. So....yeah.

I went to a community college and had ZERO in loans when I graduated. I did finish up my bachelor's degree and didn't take out loans for that either.

He is still making student loan payments at 39? I'm 45, and I paid off my student loans 20 years ago. Admittedly, I didn't go to a fancy school or get multiple degrees, but if I had, I would have been making even more money to pay off student loans.

I am a good budgeter and problem solver, so I could probably swing a vacay or a computer. I'm not crazy enough to think I can do both.

I see the point about the gaming console, too. He likes certain games that aren't available for the consoles, too, so I do get it.

For the comment about kids, we don't have any, and we won't be having any.

He's a good person, and we are decent with our money AS A TEAM. Left to his own devices, I'm not so sure. I just HATE HATE HATE being the bad guy all the time. It's incredibly tedious.

I don't suggest you let him do things HIS way - you will end up in debt that YOU will be 50% responsible for. Maybe he should sign up for some remedial course in budgeting?

I only say that in jest. I'd let him "totally run the show" over my cold, dead body. I doubt he'd take a budgeting course. What he needs is a reality check, and I don't relish the thought of him actually getting one because I'm sure that reality check would come at our expense!!!

[VincenzoG91]

I used to work at a law firm that handled a lot of family law cases. Money issues were the leading cause of divorce. That's probably still true.

[cancankant]

I used to work at a law firm that handled a lot of family law cases. Money issues were the leading cause of divorce. That's probably still true.

It's kind of a broad statement, but I'd have to agree that it's definitely a serious issue. I think when people get married, they are all with the "team" idea, and then that tends to fall by the wayside over the years. I'm not going to say that I don't spend money on things he might not value as much, but any major purchases are in my mind, a joint decision where either person has veto power.

I kind definitely sympathize with the guys that say that their wives "don't get it" when it comes to money. I know my husband was not raised in the same sort of environment as I was because his mom is terrible with money. She's not incredibly irresponsible (i.e. she's not calling us & other family members for loans or anything), but she makes a substantial amount of money for a single person and she is always "broke". For someone with a paid off car and a low house payment, she has had to raid her 401K (retirement savings) account for things like home repairs, etc. because she just buys TONS of stuff and does not save much of anything.

I appreciate the responses, though. I try to work with him and understand that some of the things I don't value (gaming systems, etc.), he does, but I also want a vacation and computer, so he's not all alone. I just am more content to wait a little longer. We've traveled all over the world, so waiting a few more months or even a year isn't going to kill me. The computer does what I need it to --- send/receive emails, surf the web, etc. It isn't going to play the latest & greatest games, but he can play older ones, and he's got dozens of those (I know gamers...not much consolation there).

[Dolmetscher]

I can promise you one thing cancankant... you will not resolve any of your issues with him unless you can learn one thing; you have to learn to accept his feelings, and basically ignore them. What I mean is... your post is full of things like, "Why do I always have to be the bad one?" And things like... "And now he's all upset because..."

It is fine that he is angry. Allow him to be angry. It is fine that he gets disappointed. Allow him to be disappointed. Stop reacting to what you think HE is feeling. It is a VERY simply matter. You guys either can or you can't afford a new computer. If you can... then get it and all is well. If you can't, then don't, and you just have to be okay with him being disappointed. Don't try to explain yourself. Don't say things like, "I don't understand why you are getting so mad... You know that we... blah blah blah".

I PROMISE YOU that an argument cannot just have itself. And I swear to you that if you just stop talking, the argument miraculously stops happening too. It's weird that way. You have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot affect very much about this man. You can't change his mind about damn near anything. You can't make him un-want a computer. And you can't make him un-jealous of your sister going on vacation. You can't TALK him into changing his ingrained sense of money. And ANY attempt to do any of that is going to result in friction, distance, and misunderstanding.

When he is talking, STOP LISTENING TO THE WORDS THAT HE IS SAYING. Listen to what he is really saying and WHERE those words are coming from. He is a little boy. Sure he's 39, but he's a little boy when he gets disappointed. We all are. And you are a little girl when you get disappointed that he isn't just automatically naturally JUST LIKE YOU with regards to money. I don't know they guy, so I don't know how bad he is with money, but even if he is a complete jack-ass with money, you should still be able to maintain. You just have to grin when he starts going on about money, and think TO YOURSELF "Oh boy, he's such a mess with money." And then love him anyway for all the other things that I'm sure he IS good with.

So, honestly... the next time he brings up buying something that you can't afford, don't "reason with him." Just smile, and say, "I understand that it sucks we can't get a new computer just now. I'd love a new computer too. I know it would make you very happy to be able to take a baseball bat to the old one. But right now, we just can't." And then, immediately do something fun. I strongly recommend just giving him a BJ. Trust me, no one's will to argue is strong enough to trump a good old fashioned kitchen floor BJ. And you can be as obvious as you want about it. If he says, "You only did that to change the subject and distract me." You can just smile and say, "Yup! We talk too much."

I promise, you will argue less, and he will start to get on the band wagon of doing nice things for you to avoid arguments... and lo-and-behold... a happy marriage. Crazy huh?