torn between two guys

[tornbetweentwo]

I broke up with my ex about 6 months ago because he was leaving for another country around the world and he didn't invite me to come with him and wasn't ready to say I was "the one". He wanted to try to keep up some kind of distance relationship over skype but I knew that was basically impossible and I'd never see him, and frankly I thought that after a year and a half of dating he should have manned up and said he saw a future for us together instead of just saying "maybe, I'm not ready yet". Anyway, this was the first guy I ever loved, and our relationship was really passionate - the sex was incredible and it was more than just sex, it was like this odd magnetic connection that I can't imagine feeling with anyone else. Since our break up I've gone through a multitude of emotions - intense anger, jealousy, extreme depression. We did not talk all summer or fall because, though he still wanted to maintain some kind of civil contact, I couldn't handle talking to him, it just made it harder to get over him.

In early fall I met a guy and started dating him. He is compassionate and loving, kind of goofy and dorky (I've usually gone for the "bad boys" so I had to get used to that)...I didnt think at the beginning that it woudl work out because I wasn't all that attracted to him in the animal sort of way. He's attractive, but it just wasnt this immediate feeling I had. Anyway, we kept dating and he made me laugh and smile and was never critical of me the way that my ex was...this new guy accepted me for who I am, flaws and all. Still, however, one thing that was missing for me was sex. We didnt have it enough and when we did, honestly, I was thinking about my ex a lot. It was just so good with my ex and I couldn't have an orgasm with this new guy because mentally I wasnt fully there and also physically it's a little awkward and I wish he did some things differently. We worked on it, and it improved, but I still never was pulled to him in the same intense way that I was to my ex.

My ex came back into town for a brief period over Christmas - that was all the time he had off - and I agreed to meet with him. My new bf was ok with it though wary of what might happen. The truth is I really wanted to get some closure with my ex because I didnt feel like I ever got it - even with all the time that had passed I was still missing him and angry and thinking I had been rejected. I thought that seeing him might make me less tormented - especially if he admitted he was wrong for some of the ways he made me feel bad about myself, etc. So they say be careful what you ask for because you might get it, right? My ex said that as soon as the plane landed in the US he felt ill because he missed me so much, and realized he had been completely immature and wanted me back, to make a life with me, have kids with me, marry my etc. He asked if I was in a relationship and I said I was but admitted to my ex all the things i felt I was missing. My ex is trying to convince me that since I don't feel the "spark" with my new boyfriend, it's not meant to be with him, and that while he is happy that I'm with someone who treats me well, that I should choose to go back to him. This would entail a long distance relationship until I finish my masters and then moving overseas for the last 6 months of his tour. I would be moving around all the time for the next 5 years or so if I chose to go back to my ex - it would be a sacrifice, I'd be away from friends and familhy and a lot of my career ambitions could become secondary. At the same time I'm kind of unsure what to do with my life anyway so that's not such a big deal...anyway I have asked my ex over and over again how I know I can trust him, how I can know it's for real and for good this time, and he says he promises that he is a different person now, that he was so obsessed with his career before that he was trying to find reasons to push me aside whereas now he realizes his career is not as fulfilling as he thought, that he was being childish, that he loves me and will take care of me, etc.

Meanwhile, my new boyfriend knows everything that is going on with my ex, I've cried and cried and tried to be as honest as possible. He such a good guy, and he loves me and does not want to lose me. He wants me to choose him and thinks that my ex is just selfish and probably hasnt actually changed that much. But no matter what, I still feel this thing for my ex and I'm afraid that if I push it out of my life I will still be thinking about him like I was before and that will only hurt this new guy even more. That is the absolute last thing I want to do. I think about a life with both of them and with the new guy, I know it would be nice, steady, calm, I'd be comfortable and be myself and laugh a lot, etc, but I wouldn't feel that intense excitement. With my ex, I know I would have the latter, but I'm still unsure if I could really trust him and I think the relationship could be more challenging and rocky. I think we are more mature now and could both handle it and work through it, but it wouldnt be smooth sailing. I'm also a little worried that my ex and I don't have a ton in common in terms of interests (for example I love music and art, sports, and I'm into math and science, and he is not all that interested in those things, but rather is really interested in reading and international affairs...kind of the opposite of me). I think each of us respects our differences now but I'm just worried that without some of those common interests and only the love we have between us, would it be enough to sustain us? I dont know who to choose -- or if I should choose neither. I love them both. Really.

[shadowMike4d4]

LOL! The human mind never fails to amaze me...sacrifice EVERYTHING of your own to follow someone around for the "animal magnitism and sex" or stick with someone who's odd but ultimately a better partner over all.

Sorry but I can't even think of good advice because your new boyfriend sounds just like me and I've had women like you in my past, so it just brings up old pains and anger.

Do what you want and if you regret it, too bad its what you chose.

[xxazurexx]

I'd personally choose neither of them.

I wouldn't trust that the first guy had changed. He turned his back on you once, IMO he'd be capable of doing it again. He has proven himself unreliable and I want and would be looking for stability.

The second guy...if there is no spark, I see no point in pursuing it.

I need the full package, not half of a package. Fuill package includes: a guy who is physically appealing and who Im sexually attracted too. A guy on the same wavelength as me, mentally, spiritually and emotionally....a soul mate.

Sex alone doesn't make a soul mate.

[sadie_genie]

Your boyfriends LOVES you while your ex DESIRES you. The fact that your boyfriend has always treated you well, accepted you for who you are, and doesn't even try to control you when he knew you wanted to see your ex shows he is selfless towards you (a sign of love). Whereas your ex all of sudden "realize" he loves you. That doesn't sound like love, more like desire and heat of the moment. If you are smart girl, you wouldn't risk losing your current boyfriend over this ex who has never thought of your feelings when he left you. I don't believe in sacrificing sex for love because I think for a truly compatible, fulfilling, and long lasting relationship, sex is a part of it. But I think it is possible to improve in that area with your boyfriend. Also, I think the left over feelings you had for your ex can be a big part in hindering you from feeling a stronger initial physical attraction for your boyfriend.

[shadowMike4d4]

Your boyfriends LOVES you while your ex DESIRES you. The fact that your boyfriend has always treated you well, accepted you for who you are, and doesn't even try to control you when he knew you wanted to see your ex shows he is selfless towards you (a sign of love). Whereas your ex all of sudden "realize" he loves you. That doesn't sound like love, more like desire and heat of the moment. If you are smart girl, you wouldn't risk losing your current boyfriend over this ex who has never thought of your feelings when he left you. I don't believe in sacrificing sex for love because I think for a truly compatible, fulfilling, and long lasting relationship, sex is a part of it. But I think it is possible to improve in that area with your boyfriend. Also, I think the left over feelings you had for your ex can be a big part in hindering you from feeling a stronger initial physical attraction for your boyfriend.

yes it could be you don't feel that spark with your new bf because you really can't let your old one go.

[smackie9]

If you were smart you wouldn't be wasting your time with any of them. Trust me hun you need everything and more to be able to tolerate being with someone for the rest of your life. You are young and don't know any better. Take it from a veteran like me. Never ever settle just because. When you are in it for the long haul you need compatibility and stability, that means compatible in bed, having lots in common and someone that will be there for you thick or thin, because when the infatuation "In love" dies off, you need all that to to keep it together. Also marriage is no fairytale, it's a lot of hard work, so enjoy your youth as long as you can.

[Take2]

Yeah, it sounds to me like you are not ready to settle down at all. You have a sweet and caring guy who makes you laugh and cares about you-just a drea come true. And you are sorely tempted to toss that aside and move all around, leaving your friends and family and career behind entirely for FIVE YEARS because another guy (who dumped you 6 months ago and flew halfway around the world) gives you good orgasms? I say dump both guys, party yourself silly (in your own hometown, while keeping your friends and family and career intact) for a couple of years and then find someone like your current boyfriend when you come to your senses and will cheerfully hold onto such a catch. And do it with no regrets, because you will not be happy long-term with either of the dudes you have lined up today.

[tornbetweentwo]

Thanks guys, this was all really helpful actually. I think I'm taking a break and being single.