about to marry and having feeling for another man.

[scaredpooless]

I have been in a relationship for four years. I has had its good and bad moments, but overall its a good relationship. About a month ago he proposed and I said yes. Since then my bestfriend introduced me to one of his friends who recently moved into his home. Immediately, when I met him I was attracted to him and felt drawn to him. Recently we spend time talking to eachother when I go visit my bestfriend. This weekend we went rock climbing together and spent hours at the gym. I enjoy his company and I am extremely attracted to him. During the time we spent recently he asked me if I was sure about getting married and if it wasn't too late to back out of it. I feel terrible for feeling such intense feeling for him, but I love what I feel and always look forward to the next time I see him. Should I avoid him or should I see where these feelings take me. Or am I delusional!

[IronLion09]

Why is he asking you if you are sure you want to get married, I am assuming the conversations are getting a little more 'personal'?

Either way you are looking at this the totally wrong way. Before worrying about pursuing this guy, you should end your current relationship(engagement at that!) before you hurt your soon to be 'ex'-husband. I'm sorry to sound so harsh but you are obviously not marrying the right person. Once you get that taken care of then you can focus on this other guy. So to answer your question, ignore him until you end your current relationship. If you keep talking to him you will just keep wanting him more and just create a huge mess.

[Petit Papillon]

I just know you will regret it...Anything you want to do... You're probably a case of cold feet.

[xxazurexx]

Something that is known as 'common sense', should tell you what to do.

End your current relationship and if you are having feelings for another man.

Your current partner is not the man for you and if you can be so easily led.

[vertical_sky]

Look, crushes are normal. Getting married doesn't mean shutting off your lizard brain and suddenly not noticing the opposite sex. That engagement ring on your finger doesn't suddenly make you immune to other guys' charms. Getting married means you IGNORE those impulses. Getting married means controlling your emotions, putting them in a box that you occasionally glance in, and continuing to be committed.

Maybe you're marrying the wrong man. However, I think it's a big clue that your attraction for this guy happened so soon after you got engaged. It could as likely be cold feet about the fact that you are committing yourself to one man for the rest of your life (hopefully.) It's normal, and the wise among us don't run away from that emotion, but analyze it and see if it's coming from a realistic, logical place, or if it's just our insecurities playing with our heads.

Is this new guy The One? My opinion: no. My guess is your ambivalence about getting married means you latched onto the first attractive guy that you felt some spark with. I'd bet that in 98 out of 100 cases, if you dumped your fiancee and started dating this new guy, he'd lose his allure (because the polish always comes off after the Honeymoon stage), and you'd find yet another guy to have a crush on, and the cycle would just go on forever.

Again, your relationship with your fiancee may not be the relationship for you. You maybe shouldn't get married. But you need to decide that SEPARATE from your attraction to the new guy. Being attracted-even strongly attracted-to a guy does not mean your engagement is a farce. It means you're human and not dead. Making a commitment means being able to have that attraction, but put safe boundaries around it.

You want a chance with the new guy? Is he worth breaking up an engagement for? If you really think your fiancee isn't the guy for you, then break up with him, be single for a while, and THEN date the new guy. Do NOT jump from one relationship to another because of some unrealistic Honeymoon yearning. If you choose to stay with your fiancee, then GET THE HECK AWAY from the new guy. Stop rock climbing with him. Stop DISCUSSING YOUR RELATIONSHIP with him. He is a temptation, an itch, and as long as you feel unsteady about your relationship, you will be more and more tempted to scratch.

[SelflessnHumble]

I mean zero offense with what I'm about to say but take this opinion as mine from someone who is experienced in messing things up over and over and over k?

Would you like it if your man (you're about to marry) started banging each of your friends, then your sister then your mother...How would this make you feel?
What if he never told you and you had to find out from a 3rd party? If you compounded all of these hypothetical indiscretions they still wouldn't equal the amount of anger, rage, pain and hurt he would feel if he knew you were emotionally cheating on him (which you are) with each new passing glance, concealed attraction for another man. -This hurts like hell-

Only a selfish, heartless coward would marry someone they don't even truly love (no, you don't)
I'm not talking about puppy/sympathetic love...in which you feel he's such a nice man, and he treats you "really good..."
I'm talking about the physical attraction you feel for this stranger. You are robbing your fiance of what he truly deserves:
A loving and meaningful relationship full of respect, honor, compassion, and open/honest communication.

You aren't in love with him nor do you unconditionally love him -which should be the basis for any marriage regardless of public scrutiny/opinion.
Last...there is nothing wrong with you feeling how you feel for this other guy, nothing at all...just one little problem:

YOU are in a committed relationship with your fiance!
What did you tell this rock climbing stud when he asked you that question?
Have you had sex with this rock climbing mystery man?

The solution:
Sit down with your fiance and you tell him:
"I never thought I could be any more happy than I've been with you, (insert name) "
"You are a good man and deserve to have a woman who loves, honors and respects you in the same way you do for me."
"I cannot marry you because I'm not ready for a stable, secure and true relationship with just one man."

Don't make excuses (like "I'm young") just tell him the wedding is off (no matter who gets upset, friends, family...it doesn't matter)
Your happiness is what matters just as HIM finding the right woman to spend the rest of his life with IS also what matters.

You then tell him you cannot see him anymore because you don't truly love him as he needs to be.
(If you lie he will eventually find out about this other guy) so don't lie. Tell the truth.
If you slept with the rock climber you don't have to add salt to the wound you've inflicted already just by dumping him.
You just say you developed feelings for other men and you want to experience different relationships period.

What you don't do is name names and where he can find this guy. Men will take their misplaced anger out on other people- namely the rock climber.

He will hurt, and cry BUT in the end he will respect the fact you had the courage to tell him face to face BEFORE
you LIE to him and his friends/family in God's house and make vows you have zero intention of upholding...So, Do the right thing!

[Replanet]

I have been in a relationship for four years. I has had its good and bad moments, but overall its a good relationship. About a month ago he proposed and I said yes. Since then my bestfriend introduced me to one of his friends who recently moved into his home. Immediately, when I met him I was attracted to him and felt drawn to him. Recently we spend time talking to eachother when I go visit my bestfriend. This weekend we went rock climbing together and spent hours at the gym. I enjoy his company and I am extremely attracted to him. During the time we spent recently he asked me if I was sure about getting married and if it wasn't too late to back out of it. I feel terrible for feeling such intense feeling for him, but I love what I feel and always look forward to the next time I see him. Should I avoid him or should I see where these feelings take me. Or am I delusional!

Its better if oyu sit with your fiance than with that guy..
I hate womans like you but you are human you have the right to do whatever you want.
If you are going to chouse that guy atleast be nice with your fiance unlti the end.

[Kaius]

You already know the answer. If you are ready to marry your fiancée, you wouldn't have such deep feelings for another man. It's not fair.
Please end the engagement. This is a very bad start. At this point you should feel excited about growing old with your life partner. If you
feel otherwise, you shouldn't marry right now.

[scaredpooless]

I have not slept with the rock climber because when ever I think about it I also think of how that would change my current relationship (How I would be turning my back on my relationship, yet feelings exist even if sex doesn't) When he asked me if I would back out of the wedding I did not respond, and instead I climbed. I don't want to hurt anyone, but the reality of marriage is frightening. I wasn't frighten before to be with my boyfriend throughout the years that we have been together. However, I am now become aware that it will take self control to make a marriage work. That I will make a vow to someone and that vow seems unnatural for our an individual to make who suffers from the natural human condition. So, the reality is that I am scared to fail and I have lost touch of (or never knew or believed in) the idea of "the one" or "the soul mate"

[scaredpooless]

Thanks for your advice. One thing I have noted is that the way this new guy makes me feel is what I used to feel as well with my boyfriend. Perhaps I have to become more knowledgeable about the cycle of emotions and the sensations. I wasn't before, but it scares me shitless now and even more so when I have utter the words yes to marriage.

[VincenzoG91]

How soon is the wedding? Have invitations been sent out? You better put the brakes on this fiasco now. And forget about the new guy, too, this whole situation is actually about you and your unresolved issues.

[smackie9]

Look, if you have intense feelings for someone else then you will be making a big mistake getting married. Let me tell you hun, marriage is no picnic. If you don't have the intense compatibility with your partner, then you don't have what it takes for the long haul. I say call it off, you are definitely not with "The One".

[HeartIsAching]

Don't get married unless you're completely without reservation, without doubt about it.

It took me four tries before I figured that one out. At least I finally got it right.

[VincenzoG91]

Thanks for your advice. One thing I have noted is that the way this new guy makes me feel is what I used to feel as well with my boyfriend. Perhaps I have to become more knowledgeable about the cycle of emotions and the sensations. I wasn't before, but it scares me shitless now and even more so when I have utter the words yes to marriage.

You can get that same falling-in-love sensation by smoking meth. I don't recommend smoking meth, it's very bad for your health and highly addictive. Being seriously in love isn't as exciting as falling in love (or smoking meth), but it's a warmer, steadier sensation, one that you can build a life together around. Get over this immature obsession with falling in love before you get married to anybody.