"Once a cheat always a cheat" or can we learn from our mistakes

[akman123]

I’ve heard the saying once a cheat always a cheat and that our past actions determine our future demeanor, but can someone who's cheated never become trustworthy and faithful or will they forever miss out on a stable relationship?

[RockNRoll]

Don't get wrong what I'm going to say, I am NOT trying to shatter your believe in the best, but you can never be sure, you don't get guarantee. You can chose to trust, which is always a risk, or not. You can't calculate this risk. If she wants to be only with you - she will. You need to make your choice and go with it. Maybe it's worth learning to trust her (I remember your story), so don't disqualify her because of how you got together.

Generally speaking, some people never learn from mistakes or it takes a few similar mistakes. For some one or even none is enough.

As for the phrase.
Technically it is always a 50/50 chance, no matter what history a person had. But as said before, the history shows what a person is capable of.
I think it's likely to be true for the same relationship. Maybe in a new one a person will not cheat on someone else. But, to be honest, if I knew that in someone's history, it would push me away. But you were a partner in her crime, so it's a bit unfair to push her away now.

Ok, just my opinion. I am not sure what your girl learnt from this experience. Your girlfriend's mistake was getting involved with you (even BEFORE you had sex) without breaking up with her (at that time) boyfriend fist. Ideally, a girl would have feel that it's wrong once there is "more than friends" connection, but she pushed it aside, went further and had remorse when it was too late. Your relationship didn't seem a mistake, as you are still together. Although it was a mistake then, it worked out well.

[smackie9]

People cheat for different reasons. Some cheat because they are in a moment of weakness, some cheat because they are in a bad relationship and some cheat because they are neglected. Then you get the habitual cheater that have no conscience. They are the type that only think about themselves and with this selfish way of thinking they feel that if they want it they should be able to have it.

[HeartIsAching]

One can learn. It happened for me, not by simply WANTING to not cheat anymore, but for two reasons:

1. I learned that cheating is a form of sexual abuse. It's a way to hurt the one you're cheating on, and a power game to boot. I'm trying to learn and grow and change into somebody that is not abusive. I have a lot of insight into people's motivations, including my own, that I did not possess before I started therapy.

2. I found (rediscovered) a woman that I absolutely could not bear to lose. Life without my wife would be joyless. I'm also apparently incapable of lying to her. I tried once or twice... opened my mouth, and the truth fell out. So basically if I did cheat, and she asked me, I'd have to tell her the truth. I don't want to hurt her that way, ever. Or any other way, for that matter.

It's possible - but it's not easy.

[Take2]

I would say it depends. People do not tend to change a whole lot. So in general, someone who doesn't value a commitment and promise enough to stay away from sex with other people will tend to make that kind of choice whenever the option arises. A person who cheats because they are too insecure and need that validation, will probably always have a tendency to cheat. However, a person who loses appropriate inhibition only when binge drinking and changes his/her lifestyle to stop binge drinking, for instance, will have a pretty good chance of not cheating again as long as that trigger is truly gone.

I still wouldn't risk it. I have never cheated on anyone, and I never would. And I really need that level of commitment to fidelity so that I can trust a partner without any doubt at all. I just am not willing to overcome that particular obstacle in a relationship.

[MadMardegan]

I don't understand how people can cheat. I'm a very monogamous person.

If I ever got to the point where I felt like cheating I would end the relationship and find someone else. If I did cheat on her I'd never to able to look that girl in the face and feel good with myself.

I'd like to think that people can change but there's no telling what could happen to you in a moment of weakness.

My grandad always had a saying; "you know where you stand with a thief, you know where you stand with a murderer, but you never know where you stand with a liar". Almost impossible to trust someone like that.

[akman123]

How many of you actually know your partners history? I mean unless you've known them since highschool they might have cheated and never told you, it's not something they'd really want to tell you.

[Take2]

How many of you actually know your partners history? I mean unless you've known them since highschool they might have cheated and never told you, it's not something they'd really want to tell you.

Certainly this is true in theory. But really, over time you get a big picture of a person. The more you know, the more you can trust them, if they are honest in general. You talk about theoretical ideals, and see if they are consistent withstories they tell you and how you see them acting in life. That is why little lies matter. If I see my mate being honest around me about little inconsequential things that don't directly involve me, my mate is telling me he is honest in general and I am learning that I can trust him to be honest all the time. If my mate doesn't find scrupulous honesty to be important, then I may have some doubts about his honesty with me. That's why scrupulous honesty is a requirement for me. I like to be able to trust a guy 100% without another thought.

And of course, some people are still passingly friendly with their exes. That's a pretty good sign it didn't end with massive betrayal.

[xxazurexx]

I knew all I should have needed to know. I knew my ex husband had been married prior to me and it ended after 6 months and because he cheated on her....or so his ex wife claimed in the papers when she was seeking a divorce. He however told me, that he didn't cheat on her. But why would she lie??

Of course, I ignored 'red flags'....and of course, he went on to cheat on me.

[xxazurexx]

And of course, some people are still passingly friendly with their exes. That's a pretty good sign it didn't end with massive betrayal.

Not always. I'm friends with ex hubby, he cheated on me 3 times.

Of course we have a daughter, so I had to remain somewhat civil. But as time passed and the pain healed, I found I could be friends.

We get along better as friends than we did as a married couple.

I also have another ex from years back who was a cheat...and we are friends too - not that I see him a lot.

[xxazurexx]

How many of you actually know your partners history? I mean unless you've known them since highschool they might have cheated and never told you, it's not something they'd really want to tell you.

How is the relevant?

This is not 'our' situation, it is YOUR situation and fact is, you are AWARE your partner cheated on her ex and to be with you....and you were an accomplice.
It makes you no better than her IMO.