Is she really ok with me doing this (to/with her)?

[Sean89]

Hello my friends,

first of all, thanks to everyone who reads this with the intent to help me out.
So the situation is, I'm 19, and have a female friend (also 19, slightly younger than me), and we know each other since we're able to think. Also, I have a distance relationship, I see my girlfriend about 1 to 2 times a month, and we really do love each other.

But I think I do also love my female friend (let's call her Anne), however, not in a sexual or relationship-wanting way. Also, she is single.
We do call us brother and sister for a time now, because we feel really close to each other, in a way brothers or sisters seem to be.
I'm an only child, so I've never had any siblings, and don't really know how it is to have a sister like I "do have now". She has a blood-related younger brother whom she has practically no contact to, because he has problems (let's just leave it at that).

When Anne comes to my place, or vice-versa, we often watch movies together (one of our many similarities in hobbies), thus sitting on my or her bed (as our rooms are both small and we have no couches). What we do even more often is often just talking together, about everything, also intimate things (relationship status, feelings, about our bodies etc.), which proves that we do trust each other in that aspect.

Now here comes my "problem":
Lately, I do enjoy putting my head on Anne's lap or generally snuggling with her. We didn't do anything like that before, besides hugging somewhat intensively when we see each other or depart.
The first time I put my head on her lap, I just felt like doing so, and thought she wouldn't mind. It was while watching a movie (we weren't talking in that moment), and she didn't say a thing, nor did she change position or so.
After a while it came to my mind, that she might feel uncomfortable with it, not daring to say so though, so I told her, that if my head was too heavy, or she generally feels uncomfortable with it, I'd instantly stop that.
Anne said, kind of reluctant though, that it doesn't bother her. She seemed quite nervous or somehow 'strange' in that moment. I believed her and we watched the movie, talking as usual, while my head was resting in her lap. I also put my right hand/forearm around her leg, as this was more comfortable.

She was at my place again some days ago, and after I helped her with her homework from school, we had Donuts, had fun and ended up sitting on my bed, talking about stuff and listening to her favourite music, which she recently acquired and wanted to show to me.
Snuggly as I am, I once again put my head in her lap (I always do it so that my neck is on one of her legs, I'm lying sideways, so I would look right down her legs to the feet if I opened my eyes), this time I also embraced her hips with my arms. She never did this before, but this time, without me noticing it first, her left hand was on top of my head, and her right hand
was on my shoulder, after I laid a while in her lap.
Again, asking if it bothers her, she assured me, more quickly spoken than usual, almost hastily, you can say, that it wouldn't bother her at all. I also changed position once so that my face was resting on one of her breasts. Asking, if I may remain in this position, she did approve, and we talked long into the night about topics a brother and a sister might talk about.

Now my question is, if she is really okay with that, or if she might be 'enduring' it for my sake, because I know she really loves me in a siblings-love-kind of way, and so do I love her like a sister. I'm not feeling her up with my hands or anything, I just enjoy having physical contact with her. It's hard to believe I guess, but I don't want ANYTHING sexual with her. If she would ask or offer me to have sexual intercourse with her, I would INSTANTLY REFUSE, without thinking about it. As we know each other for so long, I'm sure she doesn't want a relationship with me either, so I thought (or am still thinking) that the physical contact wouldn't end up in hard feelings. Also, I do absolutely NOT WANT her to feel uncomfortable, and this is my problem, as I don't know if it actually makes her feel so. She does respond kind of nervous or unsure (but only in the moment) if I ask her if it bothers her, however, only slightly, and we still watch movies and talk with each other like always.

I'm very sensitive and almost over-thoughtful of other people's feelings, especially those of my sister (again, she isn't blood-related to me, but we do call us and feel like brother and sister), so I might be overthinking it.

Please help me.
Thanks in advance and sincerely,

'Sean'

[RockNRoll]

Why don't you stop being that cuddly with her?
What is the purpose of that? Can you use a cushion instead?
Not sure if she is really ok with it. Personally, I wouldn't be ok with any non-relationship guy resting his head on my breast or lap.

[girl68]

Buddy, brothers and sisters don't SNUGGLE together. Nor do they put heads in laps...

You know the f.r.i.e.n.d.s episode where rachel is dating a weird dude who like acts all weird and shit with his sister? yeah... man for someone who is like brother and sister you sure ain't acting like it.

[xxazurexx]

^Exactly what I was thinking.

One thing is for sure, my brother never got his head near my lap or breast....nor anyone I wasn't in a relationship with.

OP, why continue to do it and if you are unsure she likes it??

[MerryH]

Yeah, you need to stop that. You're giving the impression that you want to have sex with her. She probably thinks you have feelings for her now. Don't lead her on.

Also, I doubt your girlfriend would appreciate you putting your face on another girl's breasts.

[Aniphilia]

Sounds like the line between platonic love and partner love is getting fuzzy. Is it possibel she fulfills somethings that you dont find in your girlfriend? Start nurishing your relationship with your girlfriend if thats the case. I wouldnt snuggle with her anymore though and I would verbalize too your findings and personal feelings about it. Likely she will return some thought since your both so close to one another.

[hello1]

You have a girlfriend and what you are doing is WRONG.

[Sean89]

You have a girlfriend and what you are doing is WRONG.

Also, I doubt your girlfriend would appreciate you putting your face on another girl's breasts.

First of all, my girlfriend knows Anne, they get along very well and she has absolutely NO problem with us cuddling, as long as I would prefer her over Anne when both are present (which I of course do). Also, she, as well as Anne (she told me so) and me, don't regard cuddling as anything related to adultery, or respectively sexual; cuddling is, for us, just, to use Aniphilia's words, still something in the realm of platonic friendship.
Second, the issue was not this situation in relation to my girlfriend, but mainly the 'is Anne okay with that' thing, so please don't go off topic.
But thank you for taking your time.

You're giving the impression that you want to have sex with her.

To you, perhaps, not to her. Anne know's me better than my girlfriend does, she knows I don't want that.

Is it possibel she fulfills somethings that you dont find in your girlfriend?

Reading this I realized, being raised as an only child which always wanted to have siblings, it might be those feelings from my childhood.
I wanted to have siblings really bad back then, as I often felt lonely because my parents had to work a lot.
Also, it might be a factor that my girlfriend and I have a distance relationship. I don't really know what's going on in my subconsciousness, as emotions are subconscious, so these theories are just hypothetical.

I would verbalize too your findings and personal feelings about it. Likely she will return some thought since your both so close to one another.

I wouldn't know what to say besides that I felt like snuggling, and she would just be like 'okay'. She is pretty straight-forward and usually says so if she's not okay with something.

I will however follow all your advice and not cuddle with Anne anymore.
Thank you all for taking your time for helping me understand.

[hello1]

Fact is if you overstep that line something will happen. Its like putting temptation right on your doorstep. People in commited relationships should walk away from temptation, you are bringing it on. You say nothing will happen but I bet you, cuddling will progress to something eles. I hope your girlfriend dumps you over this, shes setting herself up with a guy who has no respect for her or their relationship.

Also you going on about having no brothers/sisters. I have two sisters and one brother and we NEVER put our heads in each other lap. This is an disgusting excuse you giving yourself in your head.

[Sean89]

Fact is if you overstep that line something will happen. Its like putting temptation right on your doorstep. People in commited relationships should walk away from temptation, you are bringing it on. You say nothing will happen but I bet you, cuddling will progress to something eles. I hope your girlfriend dumps you over this, shes setting herself up with a guy who has no respect for her or their relationship.

Also you going on about having no brothers/sisters. I have two sisters and one brother and we NEVER put our heads in each other lap. This is an disgusting excuse you giving yourself in your head.

Fact is, hello1, that you don't know either of us, particularly me, personally, but you still assume I would eventually fall for a person I regard as my sister. Seriously?
I guess you're judging me by stereotypical male behaviour, or at least assume that because you have no other detailed information about my personality. There is nothing I can do to convince you of something else anyway unless we'd known each other for 16 years, since childhood, but then, you would never say such things about me.

My girlfriend and I are very happy in our relationship for several years, FYI, and, honestly spoken, I didn't know (nor do I think) that cuddling necessarily leads to (or as you say, progresses to) 'something else', nor do I think cuddling is a temptation.
I don't know what kind of males you have to deal with, though.
It might also be that, to you, cuddling requires a higher level of intimacy then for the people I live with.

I do understand what you want to say, and assume you have nothing to add to the actual topic. Thank you.

[girl68]

Since you don't have a sister you can't possibly know how brothers and sisters act. You *think* you're acting like siblings when you're acting in fact NOTHING like siblings. Trust me NO siblings snuggle/ cuddle like you do. They just don't.

[Sean89]

Since you don't have a sister you can't possibly know how brothers and sisters act. You *think* you're acting like siblings when you're acting in fact NOTHING like siblings. Trust me NO siblings snuggle/ cuddle like you do. They just don't.

Realized it by now. Thank you, and thanks to everyone. I request this topic to be /closed.

[MerryH]

Ok, well, problem solved, I guess. But I'd just like to point out that your responses were sort of out of line, Sean. You asked for opinions, then you argued with them. You left out relevant information in your OP (that your girlfriend is fine with all this, for example) then you seemed to get upset that people brought it up. If you come to this forum in the future to ask a question or get advice, please don't argue, and please don't tell people to basically get out of your thread. You said thank you and everything, which was nice and a lot more than some other posters can manage, but you still sort of spit in the faces of people who took the time to share their opinions. You could be a little better about it next time. Good luck with your situation, though.

[sadie_genie]

I have a younger brother and I kiss him on the cheeks, let him put his head on my lap if he wants to, lean his head on my shoulders if he wants to, and let him sleep on my bed sometimes if he is scared of the dark. But that is because he is my blood brother. But your friend even if you know her for the longest time isn't your blood sister so that is probably why she feels uncomfortable about it. If I have a boyfriend and he puts his head on his blood sister's lap, I wouldn't think anything about it but if she isn't his blood sister, I would feel threatened.

[mahouyuki]

Although you may see your relationship with her never developing into a romantic one, is there any chance that she might? It could explain why she was nervous when you first did it? I was really close friends with a guy which everyone including him thought of it as a sibling kind of relationship, but I didnt want it to be like that.