the take away

[SelflessnHumble]

I did not even see that he was acting like this from a pattern from mother. (seemingly)
How can this be true when you said: "I think his mother has been a driving force all along in what he should and shouldnt do, with approval, with interferance, with guilt trips" Didn't he try to influence your choices? Didn't he give you guilt trips?
Then there's this: "I see that he may be putting on me what his parents put on him." Same difference...

When he used to complain about his moms constant invasions I would ask him if he said such and such (in order to make a boundry). he would say he did yadayada. I just didnt see that he was bought by his parents (recently showed acceptance over the holiday) and that all of what he was experiencing was being returned to me UNTIL this past week! And its only been a week since we broke up.

It doesn't matter if it was a day after the proposal. There were obvious signs, you refused to address them.
When someone complains about something: it obviously says: "I like to whine, bitch and complain because I am unable to address my issues with ________so instead I take them out on YOU." -There is no other way around this.
You either face your problems, choose to hide them OR, take them out on the ones you love.

I said yes to marriage (October) back before this weeks revelations , not after. We had talked about shaking off the old patterns (which were not all that bad) but in order to open up the paths we wanted to pursue together (individually). I do feel a bit like an idiot but am trying to use kinder ways. Gawd, when I really think about things we talked about in the past and add in my new idea that this pattern derives from, Its like discovering it all over again!!! i read a site of an authors that discusses all this momma and son business and I also realized how many woman know they are married to one.

I'm sorry but you are making excuses for his behavior here.
Someone telling you that you are wasting time with what you choose to do, study, OR even try to become
more "spiritual" then doesn't like the fact you aren't doing it "good enough" sounds like someone who has issues
with their own self worth, so they project their being put to a higher standard (usually via parents) onto you.
This is a deal breaker for ANY relationship. You let it pass: and here we are, right? See, momma boy's exist.
Daddy's girl, exist. You knew from the get how she was -when he told you. You never addressed this, and neither did he.
Once again: here we are. You are dumped after a 2month old proposal...and on a love forum site asking for advice!

I did make mistakes in not saying "Hey hunny, I cant have more than the two of us in this relationship so draw some new boundries with the mom and show me you are then we will talk." and things like that, and I didnt because I didnt see that it was so directly connected to how he handled things with us!
This sounds like a cop out. If you didn't know, then you either lack experience OR didn't really care enough to say something.
Obviously it's one thing if someone brings it up once in a while: this is different. However IF his mother's opinions
on his life seep into your lives (as a couple) then it's clear there's a problem here. There are always signs.


I did tell him I thought they were way too involved in his life. (they want him to be successfull in the way they see fit but he doesnt operate like them.) So they have never favored him, only his brother. When she calls him and he doesnt answer, she calls me, then goes off on how she hates when he doesnt answer because" what if one of the kids has to go to the hospital!".. while she has a valid point, he can not always answer.
This is a huge problem, and here we are. Make the connection please!
He is a grown freaking man, not a 13 year old with a prepaid cell phone for Pete's Sake!
A cell phone is NOT an electronic leash. If he didn't have the balls to confront this: he's not an adult.
And again: look what happened. You think his behavior (in calling off the wedding and the relationship) warrants a WTF???
NO, it doesn't...His behavior is perfectly normal for a mentally abused person who suffers from many psychological problems.

And back on Hallows Eve I get a ring from her (cuz he wont answer) and she goes on and on about how the kids left their costumes in their vehicle and that my bf was so irrisponsible for not retrieving them... I firmly told her in a nice enough tone that my bf had gone to retrieve them but they were gone with the car so my kids were hookin them up with costumes and that they were happy as could be. And I tolder her that she had asked the kids to get their costumes out of the car because they were leaving and they didnt so they have a lesson to learn. She went on ( in a guilt tone) to tell me that the adults in the house (bf included) were responsible to make sure the kids follow up. I reminded her they were happy and moved it along.

Consider this: You never addressed her concerns, instead you told her, "I'm doing this shit my way."
She didn't like that. You need to validate people's concerns, not invalidate them. This might even be a trend where
you discount how people feel with, "well, I don't think it's that big a deal" type of defense.

I mention all that to distinguish how differently this 'way' is different than mine. My girls are independent and not overly managed. I made them learn from a young age their mistakes were something to learn from and helped them figure out how to fix it by asking them how they thought the could go about doing it. And help them with options. So his mom doesnt like me, so what, get over it, I think he must of been trying to prove something to them with our new start but couldnt do it or 'mom' threw some new wedge of a conversation in. It just gets at me right now. It is a whole new way of looking at everything.
Obviously you taught your children to be independent while your "man" was taught to rely on mommy and daddy's every
whim and word. -High standards that can never be met with satisfaction...The fact is (and this is reality)
IF his mother cannot accept you as his wife (prior to breaking up) then she needn't be there for the wedding, the grandchildren's lives she will miss being a part of AND his son's life as well. She can say "you never stop being a mother" all she wants BUT normal people feel pushed away when parents over bear them...He didn't or doesn't have the balls to "cut the cord." You made a bad choice in him for a husband...Lesson learned.

Bleh! I cut the cord at 19 !!!!! if not sooner. All my actions are mine to own and I do not get unsolicited advice from my parents. I make my own mistakes and if i fall i get back up on my own. I rarely ask for help and people get mad at me for it sometimes-not asking that is. And I dont owe any friend, lover, or parent a dime.

Bad news: You cannot expect someone to do what you did just because your view dictates that is what people
do when they "grow up" because HE doesn't know that! That's great you persevere, but people like him HATE that.
In some way he wants to see you fail, so you can call him and tell him how right he was about our "poor" choices...he was against.

I am doing alright, no sobbing or anything, who has time, I have to hold it all together AND with this new view on things Im still picking my jaw up off the floor. I mean NOBODY saw this, not my friends he knows not my mother, sister(analytical thinker), not anyone! It was well hidden.

Problems like this are always hidden from plain sight.
It takes you taking a step back from the relationship and using rose colored glasses to see what is happening.
All you can do is control what YOU are able to control, not his choices, and definitely not his thoughts/actions.
He is a little boy trapped inside a grown man's body as I stated earlier before...Move forward.
Your children are priority #1 and need a stable and secure man, not this chump.

[Aniphilia]

Okay, the last bit made me laugh BackUporGetStng: " If he approaches you, ask him who he is and what he wants, repeat as necessary."

I know I have control over how things go now.. I didnt use my full power before. Beyond all the apron strings mother business, I have just been up all night reading posts after posts after posts (you get the idea) of people w/ Bipolar personalities and posts of those who love them. And OMGoddess, If I had only done this before. Not saying it would of mattered but wow. I cannot tell you how fitting it is. I felt I was reading my life in these stories. To .. the.. tee. It was worth it to stay up reading that, couldnt sleep anyway, tried, gave up. He is not the physically abusive delusional type but not all are. And I hate labels from Doctors concerning human mental / emotional 'disorders'.

So hopefully he doesnt contact me again and meant it this time so I dont have to ignore his onslaught of love and affection that makes me feel Im the divine manifest. I love him deeply and hope he sees to himself, which may take a while considering he is constantly occupying himself right now and living up to his parents expectations in their home.

It has been very difficult in the past with the cycles. I have briefly noted things when he has cycled before and espeacially since his sister is Schizophrenic. His mothers side of the family is unknown to me as she hardly visits them out of state and no one else knows or tells about them so I didnt have more to go off of. I just know its nothing she wants to be a part of her immidiate family. But he fits the bill more than I can say and every story I read was parts of mine.

Knowing what I know now will help me with my boundries and confidence. Cant tell you how much I looked to myself for why why why. I definatley allowed it to happen to me. This is going to bother me though in that I dont know if I will be able to contain this. If it has not been brought to his or anyones attention, will I keep my mouth shut? Somehow that seems wrong. His mother even works now for a mental health organization. Maybe she knows but keeps it a family secret because she already has one adult child that is somewhat functional under meds? Everyone has challenges but I cant see how he will ever stop. I am going to seek counsel at my school, free for students thankfully. Among many enlightening posts I read, some stated that the unconditional love was most important. Some had boundries. Some were married with kids. Thing is, the cycles can happen twice a year or daily. I experienced the 2- few times a year. And the details were so exact in these posts, I am just blown away. He even told me I was palying co-dependent a couple times. Wont say he was wrong by definition of the word but cant say I didnt try either.
I really appreciate everyones input here and I will continue to be here. I am just taking on alot of information right now.

[Aniphilia]

Okay, the last bit made me laugh BackUporGetStng: " If he approaches you, ask him who he is and what he wants, repeat as necessary."

I know I have control over how things go now.. I didnt use my full power before. Beyond all the apron strings mother business, I have just been up all night reading posts after posts after posts (you get the idea) of people w/ Bipolar personalities and posts of those who love them. And OMGoddess, If I had only done this before. Not saying it would of mattered but wow. I cannot tell you how fitting it is. I felt I was reading my life in these stories. To .. the.. tee. It was worth it to stay up reading that, couldnt sleep anyway, tried, gave up. He is not the physically abusive delusional type but not all are. And I hate labels from Doctors concerning human mental / emotional 'disorders'.

So hopefully he doesnt contact me again and meant it this time so I dont have to ignore his onslaught of love and affection that makes me feel Im the divine manifest. I love him deeply and hope he sees to himself, which may take a while considering he is constantly occupying himself right now and living up to his parents expectations in their home.

It has been very difficult in the past with the cycles. I have briefly noted things when he has cycled before and espeacially since his sister is Schizophrenic. His mothers side of the family is unknown to me as she hardly visits them out of state and no one else knows or tells about them so I didnt have more to go off of. I just know its nothing she wants to be a part of her immidiate family. But he fits the bill more than I can say and every story I read was parts of mine.

Knowing what I know now will help me with my boundries and confidence. Cant tell you how much I looked to myself for why why why. I definatley allowed it to happen to me. This is going to bother me though in that I dont know if I will be able to contain this. If it has not been brought to his or anyones attention, will I keep my mouth shut? Somehow that seems wrong. His mother even works now for a mental health organization. Maybe she knows but keeps it a family secret because she already has one adult child that is somewhat functional under meds? Everyone has challenges but I cant see how he will ever stop. I am going to seek counsel at my school, free for students thankfully. Among many enlightening posts I read, some stated that the unconditional love was most important. Some had boundries. Some were married with kids. Thing is, the cycles can happen twice a year or daily. I experienced the 2- few times a year. And the details were so exact in these posts, I am just blown away. He even told me I was palying co-dependent a couple times. Wont say he was wrong by definition of the word but cant say I didnt try either.
I really appreciate everyones input here and I will continue to be here. I am just taking on alot of information right now.