How to move on when your self esteem has been shattered

[Starry Night]

Hi everyone,
Well long story short my relationship of 3 years ended just shy of a month ago, just a few days before Christmas. We were long distance for 2 years and lived together for 1 year. I pretty much go through all the stages of grief each day. I flip from, sad, to angry, to hopeful.

My self esteem has been shattered, and I feel terrible about myself. When we were LDR, everything was great- he was expressive, commutative, passionate. We would see each other for 1-2 weeks every 2 months. I left the US to be with him (moved to Canada) with the intention of getting married. Well that never panned out because he lied to everyone and the pastor never filed the paperwork thinking we were already married & that the ceremony was just for the sake of having one. Then he made irresponisble purchases so we wouldn't have money to get married.

As soon as I moved in, I knew something wasn't right, he just never wanted to be intimate. Maybe 3 times a month. 6 months in there was 1 month we didn't have sex at all. My self esteem was destroyed, he was always denying me any love making (too tired, back hurt, maybe later). Sex was always on his terms, when he wanted it. It didn't take long to find out he had a pornography addiction, and he'd rather meet his own needs than go to bed with me. I know sex isn't everything, but we might as well have been roommates, when we did have sex it was a quick "in and out" that left me feeling dirty. No passion, maybe 2 kisses, it was so mechanical.

In the end, he picked the porn, kicked me out of his life. I've been doing some reading now and suspect he has a passive aggressive personality disorder, and I think he was with-holding intimacy on purpose. I can't tell you how many discussions we had on it, all I wanted was more sex, but it was too hard for him. Not a ton, but 2 times a week would have been great.

I don't know, I'm 29, and can't help but feel like I wasted so many years on this guy. It hurts so much that it was so easy for him to say "see ya", and pick those images on the PC over me. You know, some guys can look at that stuff and it doesn't effect their relationships- but he couldn't. He never wanted sex because of it. It has made me feel so unattractive and ugly.

He left me as a shell of my former self, I used to walk with my head held high in confidence. Now I walk with my head down. I just don't know how to move forward from this, I am left with a feeling that "I'm just not good enough". Not good enough to keep, not good enough to try (and man did I try to get him some help when he said he needed it), not good enough to make love to. I feel worthless.

[Gigabitch]

You're going to be fine. The guy had issues. Move on.

[Lovable]

I agree with giga. It may be hard, but moving in is a must for you.

[Yet another guy]

Then he made irresponisble purchases so we wouldn't have money to get married.

Does the paperwork really cost that much over there?

[GK001]

i have the same issue right now. this girl i gave it my all to help after been assaulted by her ex-bf threw me in the garbage and went back to her abusive, short ugly, broke, ex-bf during Christmas. my ego and my self esteem got shattered...i kept asking my self "whats wrong with me""why am i the lesser man?" because i usually get attention from the girls at
parties and used to girls chasing after me. this was the first girl i put my heart into helping and end up hurt so damn bad. i didnt even expect her to love me back but at least we would be good friends.

what i'm doing now is trying to heal my self through going out with supportive friends. trying to forget (its hard) by focusing on gym, spending money on my self, making my self feel better.i still cant talk to random girls with out feeling unattractive/uncharismatic even though its been nearly 2month.
people say time heals all wounds..so i guess for people like us we just have to gain back whats taken away from us by loving our self more each day at a time.

[VincenzoG91]

You move on by believing in yourself. That Canadian guy was literally a wanker, and it wasn't your fault. You gave it your best shot, and you learned that this guy wasn't capable of handling a relationship. I hear you about the lost time, but that can't be helped. Give yourself some time to get back on track, and you will be okay.

[xxazurexx]

i have the same issue right now. this girl i gave it my all to help after been assaulted by her ex-bf threw me in the garbage and went back to her abusive, short ugly, broke, ex-bf during Christmas. my ego and my self esteem got shattered

Sorry, no offence here, but:

Because you helped a wpman get back on her feet after a breakup with an ex, meant she owed a relationship?

Is that why you helped her....to get a relationship from her?

Sorry but I see this a lot. How some guy has helped a woman through bad times and he gets pissed and when he gets nothing out of it or in return. Is it fair to expect something in return? Good and true friends help, because they want to help....

See...this is why some men get hurt.

It's like me giving a man sex and then expecting him to give me a relationship, isn't it?

[xxazurexx]

OP, you are 29 and still have many years ahead of you in which to find Mr Right. Think yourself lucky you weren't around 45 when he left....apparantly it becomes harder to meet someone.

Why let one man get you down? And especially when you are aware he was a waste of space? God help his next woman.

[VincenzoG91]

Here is a nice quote that is helping me survive shattering today:

"In the midst of winter, I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer." --Albert Camus

[sweetkissesforu]

Get over the idea that it had anything to do with you my ex use to reject me and i now know he was the one with the problem

[Starry Night]

Yet another guy- As far as the cost goes, I have no idea. The license was $75 I believe, which got wasted since it wasn't filed. He was in complete control of the money, not sure how much it would have been at the courthouse after the license fee was paid. I'm guessing not much, but I never had access to our money, and he always said we didn't have any. That is, unless he wanted to buy something...then all of a sudden we had money for it.

I guess I just feel duped. I really understand the saying "love is blind" now, so much I see now in hindsight, things I was oblivious to in the name of love. It hurts when you put so much trust into someone and they destroy it.

I'm starting to get some pride back, and to be honest, he won't get anyone better looking than me. And I don't know how he's ever going to find a woman that will tolerate him playing PS3 for 6-8 hours a day. Most girls, won't put up with that- but games made him happy so I let him do his thing. He never follows through on anything, so that's helping me get by- knowing he's not going to improve his quality of life anytime soon. I know that sounds really bitchy, I've been in the anger stage for 2 weeks now.

[GK001]

Sorry, no offence here, but:

Because you helped a wpman get back on her feet after a breakup with an ex, meant she owed a relationship?

Is that why you helped her....to get a relationship from her?

Sorry but I see this a lot. How some guy has helped a woman through bad times and he gets pissed and when he gets nothing out of it or in return. Is it fair to expect something in return? Good and true friends help, because they want to help....

See...this is why some men get hurt.

It's like me giving a man sex and then expecting him to give me a relationship, isn't it?

yea good and true friends help. because they want to help...sure. thats what i did. was i expecting too much from her to just respect me as a good friend and not lie to my face and disrespect me? i never ask her for anything yet she kept on taking.
even strangers say a thank you after you helped them. i was there in her darkest hours...what she did is throw it all back to me. you think thats OK in a friendship?

[xxazurexx]

yea good and true friends help. because they want to help...sure. thats what i did. was i expecting too much from her to just respect me as a good friend and not lie to my face and disrespect me? i never ask her for anything yet she kept on taking.
even strangers say a thank you after you helped them. i was there in her darkest hours...what she did is throw it all back to me. you think thats OK in a friendship?

I was questioning your motive for wanting to help her - whether it was because you'd expected something else to follow, ie: a relationship. I read a lot of stories in forums where a guy has helped out and in lots of cases they help out and because they are looking for more than a friendship.

Course I don't think it's ok and for a person to turn their back on another and when they were there for them in their time of need.

The thread aint about me though is it and not all women are like the woman in question in this case.

Sorry if I came across as insensitive btw, didn't mean too.

[GK001]

I was questioning your motive for wanting to help her - whether it was because you'd expected something else to follow, ie: a relationship. I read a lot of stories in forums where a guy has helped out and in lots of cases they help out and because they are looking for more than a friendship.

of course not. i'm not dumb. you dont jump in and help a girl after she just broke up to get her to love you lol that never happens. i cared for her so i couldnt just stand by and see her in hell all by her self after her BF bashed her. i got her out. i was expecting we would at least be good friends. what i didnt expect is she used me and throw me away like a used band-aid.

[xxazurexx]

of course not. i'm not dumb. you dont jump in and help a girl after she just broke up to get her to love you lol that never happens. i cared for her so i couldnt just stand by and see her in hell all by her self after her BF bashed her. i got her out. i was expecting we would at least be good friends. what i didnt expect is she used me and throw me away like a used band-aid.

Well if he bashed her up once, he will bash her up again - only next time don't be there for her. She doesn't deserve your friendship.

Know how it feels and to help someone out and then they disappear. Being used is not a nice feeling