help me out!! please!!

[unicornamy1974]

hi
i'm new here, i'm tearing my hair trying to figure out my boyfriend but i just cant so can you please help me?

we've been together for 14months and we live together. i have a young son from a previous relationship that my current partner has taken a long time to warm to, only really the last 4 or 5 months.
he is insanely into cars and is constantly in his workshop day after day except thats an issue in itself - hes impossible to wake up, often doesnt get up till 2pm (when i go to work), i come home at 7pm and hes not here, im presuming hes at his workshop 99% of the time but he doesnt come home till gone midnight, this past week it has been 6.30am and 4.30am on two occasions so basically, im not seeing him at all hence we dont get chance to talk, he doesnt bother to ring me unless he wants something.

for our first christmas together he bought me a nintendo ds. then for valentines day - i got nothing, not a card not even a meal out. my birthday - i got a card and a trip to the cinema. this christmas - i got a blanket with arms.

we dont go out anywhere, we dont do anything. he doesnt take an interest in my horses despite me having taken a keen interest in cars for him and have even gone and bought my own project car to work on.

he doesnt help around the house and when discussed with him the other week, the general response was that he doesnt mind helping round the house if i'm going to stop making a mess?! yet i clear up his mess every day!!! hes not worked for the best part of a year now since a bad accident last february and i have been left to support the bills and everything on a part time wage and even when i was out of work for 6 months i still had to support everything.

i feel totally unappreciated, totally taken for granted and im beginning to wonder if his interests are elsewhere??

thoughts please?!!!

[SelflessnHumble]

These aren't just thoughts, these are based on FACT:

He doesn't love you, doesn't respect, doesn't validate your feelings AND is generally UNMOTIVATED to be a man, despite his ongoing excuses
as to why he's still unemployed and despite his bad accident...

It stands to reason an accident isn't really his fault (unless he had a DUI) because accidents can and do happen, but...consider this:

YOU have put up with his BS, his careless and thoughtless/insensitivity towards you...In fact: you openly agree that you like this behavior...
You don't put your foot down, and since you are the one working your ass off: he doesn't even seem to appreciate that!!!

You are being played for a fool, no question.
What are you going to do? Continue to ENABLE him?
He doesn't give a shit about you nor your son because IF he truly did this ridiculous post would not exist.

His interests are: ALL about HIMSELF.
Stop enabling him and tell him he needs to put in his 100% because that is how it is: not this 50 50 bullshit...
It's 100% each person OR: this is what happens: you pick up the slack with zero appreciation and contempt....

[unicornamy1974]

thanks for your honest answers, its kinda a big wake up call really, the main reason i'm such a walkover (as thats pretty much what i am) is because i dont want to be one of those typical girlfriends that whinges and whines at their man about not spending time together and stuff, i dont want a man to ever have to agree with his mates that im whingy and needy and do his head in, silly i know, but i like to let them know that they can have freedom - although i am not granted the same pleasure at the moment!

[smackie9]

Tip: don't have a BF to give you a life or revolve around you. Have some independance and have things you can do on your own, like chillin with your GF's or head out to some parties, etc. You sound young and I will tell you (from this old gal )that you will understand eventually that when they have something else they want to do with out you, you shouldn't feel rejected. Learn to enjoy your own downtime.

[vashti]

e?

we've been together for 14months and we live together. i have a young son from a previous relationship that my current partner has taken a long time to warm to, only really the last 4 or 5 months.

You spent 10 months of this relationship with a man who wasn't warm to your child?

Why would you do this to your kid?

[Yet another guy]

for our first christmas together he bought me a nintendo ds. then for valentines day - i got nothing, not a card not even a meal out. my birthday - i got a card and a trip to the cinema. this christmas - i got a blanket with arms.

He buys you presents Nice. What did you buy for him?

we dont go out anywhere, we dont do anything. he doesnt take an interest in my horses despite me having taken a keen interest in cars for him and have even gone and bought my own project car to work on.

Have you tried talking about this with him? Maybe he doesn't understand that your interest in his hobby is a request for him to be interested in yours.

That's from the making it work point of view. On the other hand, unless you are exaggerating, he does seem like a moocher
Is he ok from the accident now? Is he looking for work?

[xxazurexx]

God how boring.

If he's like this now after 14 months, imagine him in 20 years.

I couldn't be in a relationship like this.

[xxazurexx]

got a blanket with arms....

LOL, I've seen those advertised on tv.

They are something I'd more buy for a grandma, than a partner....lmfao

How romantic...uhm not.

[Aniphilia]

bahahaha my 15 year old daughter who is such an independent cool chick got a snugie ( blanket shawl with arms type o thing from t.v-and I dont even stream t.v.) for Yule. Not from me. hahaha I laughed at her. In good fun of course

[ashley89]

sorry but the blanket with arms part made me laugh out loud

[speakerspoke]

That sounds really helpful Assley89. Surely you have a twitter account to twit on?

[speakerspoke]

You spent 10 months of this relationship with a man who wasn't warm to your child?

Why would you do this to your kid?

Vashti, have you ventured outside since last I was on here?

I don't see how berating another forum member constitutes helpfulness in this situation.

[unicornamy1974]

Tip: don't have a BF to give you a life or revolve around you. Have some independance and have things you can do on your own, like chillin with your GF's or head out to some parties, etc. You sound young and I will tell you (from this old gal )that you will understand eventually that when they have something else they want to do with out you, you shouldn't feel rejected. Learn to enjoy your own downtime.

im 25 so im not that young, i'd love to be able to go out with my friends and stuff but he doesnt like me being out of the house let alone going out with my friends, i used to have tea with my friends every thursday night but after about 4 weeks, he conveniently started needing me for 'car stuff' on a thursday night and the thursday night tea thing just never got picked back up again. now my son is at pre school everyday, hes in bed by 7.30pm so im housebound all week.

He buys you presents Nice. What did you buy for him?



Have you tried talking about this with him? Maybe he doesn't understand that your interest in his hobby is a request for him to be interested in yours.

That's from the making it work point of view. On the other hand, unless you are exaggerating, he does seem like a moocher
Is he ok from the accident now? Is he looking for work?

for our first christmas i bought a dvd boxset of family guy and a model of a pagani zonda with his name on the number plate (they're his fave car), for valentines day i bought him a card and gave him a key to my house. for his birthday i bought him a clock for his workshop (as hes so bad with timekeeping) but had a photo of his own car printed on it, then i paid for him to have 2 photos of both his cars embroidered on some socks for him, plus i arranged with all his friends to come out for tea with us and come to the cinema with us aswell. this christmas i bought him a nitro remote control car, a red bull mini fridge (as he lives off the stuff) and his favourite gucci aftershave.

i've tried talking to him about the hobby thing but hes just not interested. i can totally understand that horses are not everyones thing but in my opinion, if you're with someone, you take an interest in what they're interested in because you love them and you want to understand their passion for something you're not familiar with. hes fine from the accident, hes a lorry driver and works for his dad, he clipped a roundabout and rolled his lorry, i can totally understand how it must have shaken him up, he has worked since then but only when he wants to, the odd day here and there when he can be bothered to answer the phone to his dad, otherwise, no, hes not looking for work.

Vashti, have you ventured outside since last I was on here?

I don't see how berating another forum member constitutes helpfulness in this situation.

thanks, i'm not a fan of negative comments unless they're constructive lol

[vashti]

thanks, i'm not a fan of negative comments unless they're constructive lol

Yes, I can see how bagging a man that isn't warm to your child and treats you like shit is SO much more important than caring for your child.

I think you should continue elevating his importance above yours and your kid's. If you play your cards right, maybe your child will adopt him as a role model, and will perpetuate this cycle of harmony. Good luck!

[SelflessnHumble]

sorry but the blanket with arms part made me laugh out loud

I didn't know what the heck that even was!!!???
I thought of those oversized ghetto snuggies that look like an XXXXL outfit Yoda would wear.