I don't want to move in!

[Kaius]

Okay there was another recent post about moving in with fiancee , but my situation is about 15 years ahead of theirs, and the dynamics are very different, so here is goes:

I started posting on this forum around the time I met my fiancee (around October 2009). We are both divorced, 2 small kids, mid/late 30s, previously married for over 13 years. We have a very close relationship, though not very mature at times because neither of us had much dating experience. There were ups and downs and craziness, but we decided that we are good for each other, and should spend our lives together. We were engaged last month.

Now that we are engaged, she wants me to spend more time at her house, and start sleeping over (I never did before because she has small children). She also wants me to give my landlord notice so that I can move in during spring. I am hesitant about this plan, and is driving me nuts. First, she lives really far from my work. It's a 90 minute commute each way, whereas it's 25 minutes each way from my apartment. Second, I really don't like living in the valley.... The scorching summers are brutal. Lastly, I don't want to move into her small house... I need space!

I don't know how to tell her. I want to be with her, but it's becoming soooo exhausting. I'm always late to work because the drive is insane. At this point I look forward to the days when I can go to my apartment and do my own thing. I hate to say this, but I feel boxed in. I want to move in when I find a new job, and hopefully get a bigger place. She has mentioned that her house will only be a temporary transition for us, and that we'll have a new place in the near future. But I worry what if I end up living there longterm. I really don't want to. I want my own house, which is currently occupied by my ex-wife, who takes care of my kids. I really don't know what to do. I have been pretending everything is cool, but I am actually not okay with it.

Any advice?

[RockNRoll]

There is no sense to pretend that everything is cool, when it isn't. If you are engaged, I assume you'll move in together soon anyway. Share with her your ideal but realistic way of doing it.

[girl68]

It sounds like you're not OK with A LOT of things in this relationship. How the hell are you going to be married into this without living together? How are you going to maintain a this marriage. How have you not discussed this before proposing? You're old enough to know that this shit is important. Sounds like you got real caught up in love and lost your practical head in the meantime.

[girl68]

Change that... you're caught up in her sex. And you lost your head.

[Kaius]

It sounds like you're not OK with A LOT of things in this relationship. How the hell are you going to be married into this without living together? How are you going to maintain a this marriage. How have you not discussed this before proposing? You're old enough to know that this shit is important. Sounds like you got real caught up in love and lost your practical head in the meantime.

Like I mentioned, people like me who married really young for many years have no mature ideals when it comes to love and dating. Yes I was totally caught up in love. I have broken most of my own rules. I was practical in my marriage for12+ years, and it cost me my health and my self-worth. I figure the 2nd (and last) time around, I will only focus on love. I will not marry for any other reason. Now I have to figure out how we are gonna do this. I have no doubt that things will iron out when i find a new job. That's basically what everything depends on.

[Junket]

I have no doubt that things will iron out when i find a new job. That's basically what everything depends on.

That's a pretty piss poor plan.

[HeartIsAching]

Are you freaking kidding me?!

What is it with people? If you're not interested in moving in yet, then freaking TELL HER. Tell her why. Tell her that at some point in the future you're willing to look at a mutually-selected domicile. If she's not ok with that, you need to re-evaluate your relationship.

[speakerspoke]

Change that... you're caught up in her sex. And you lost your head.

Someone finally made you a mod after years of endless lobbying and ingratiating?

Listen little mod, big butt, psycho girl 68 or whatever moniker you care to be called by, the first sign of abuse of your e-maginary powers and I am reporting YOU.

I've seen you troll my personal profile in the past and that was totally uncalled for, I'm watching you focker.

[Junket]

Someone finally made you a mod after years of endless lobbying and ingratiating?

Listen little mod, big butt, psycho girl 68 or whatever moniker you care to be called by, the first sign of abuse of your e-maginary powers and I am reporting YOU.

I've seen you troll my personal profile in the past and that was totally uncalled for, I'm watching you focker.

Shut the f*ck up.

[speakerspoke]

Shut the f*ck up.

No, why don't you instead.

This is the kind of offensive material I am talking about people and is not appreciated.

You have over 14,000 posts. That smells like an addiction, and addicts can be very nasty. Don't take your many problems out on me buddy.

Get yourself clean and get yourself help. I wish you the very best.

[doppelgaenger]

No, why don't you instead.

This is the kind of offensive material I am talking about people and is not appreciated.

You have over 14,000 posts. That smells like an addiction, and addicts can be very nasty. Don't take your many problems out on me buddy.

Get yourself clean and get yourself help. I wish you the very best.

Yeah, he's also been here for 4 years and his activity averages out to about 6 posts per day, which is acceptable. Now shut the f*ck up and stop trolling.

As for Kaius, I agree with Frasbee. You have a pretty sucky plan. The solution is simple - if you don't want to move in, then don't move in.

[vashti]

Kaius - are you talking about the San Fernando Valley? Do you live in Los Angeles? Which part? (I live there.)

You need to work this out, and although this may be an unpopular opinion, I think she gets a bit more consideration about your living place arrangement she has young kids that should be living near their father (assuming he is still in the picture). How old are these kids, anyway? If they are very young, then moving isn't a big deal, but once they get to be 5th or 6th grade and older, moving is a very big deal. Also, where you choose to live has a very large impact on the quality of the schools, which to me, is the most important factor.

[girl68]

Listen little mod, big butt,

My ass is small firm and tight you little dipshit. Sorry OP, I couldn't help it. Back to you...

[Kaius]

What do you mean I have a sucky plan? It's very realistic, and I have 10 months to make it happen! I know there are lots of people unemployed, and lots of accountants willing to work for cheap. I am a specialized accountant, so there is a demand for people like me. I need to feel settled before I proceed with the next phase. Once I land a new job, everything will fall into place. I need a bigger house, that's my point.

[SelflessnHumble]

Someone finally made you a mod after years of endless lobbying and ingratiating?

Listen little mod, big butt, psycho girl 68 or whatever moniker you care to be called by, the first sign of abuse of your e-maginary powers and I am reporting YOU.

I've seen you troll my personal profile in the past and that was totally uncalled for, I'm watching you focker.

I knew you were a rat.