who do you think is better off, the person who is dumped, or the one who dumps?

[ashley89]

I've been thinking about it, and I wanted to know what you guys think. I feel like initially the person who is dumped has it worse; they were rejected, they have to deal with the pain of the loss and suffer through the breakup. But in the end, it makes them stronger, they see that they can do better, and they eventually are able to move on and remain happy. While the person who dumps the other may be free and not feel as much pain, I think it sucks that they have to deal with the guilt of hurting another person. If they really loved and cared about the other person, they will know how bad they hurt them and even if it takes awhile, they will come around to missing them. Plus, they didn't really learn a lesson or have to deal with the hurtful pain of a breakup, so they can't really go through a change. I don't know though, how do you guys feel? who is better off in the end?

[SelflessnHumble]

It depends. The dynamics are the catalyst in my experience.
If I dump you; and you don't see it coming, I'm up on you (psychologically speaking) so of course you feel it much more than I.
(Even better for me if I dump you: and I don't ever look back) It makes me even higher up than you, while I drive you emotionally into the ground...

True, it *should* in theory make them stronger BUT self realization is a commodity most people are unaware of-instead of "making" it happen: they wait for IT to happen.

However if the other person dumps say YOU, and then they actually realize the huge mistake they've made (and you actually move on) then it stands
to reason you're on the up and up: and they are down low: just waiting for YOU to approach them: then the cycle can start all over again...

In the end: True Closure is where it's at.
I can tell you I've never in my life felt as I do now: in complete control in my life! How I arrived at this conclusion wasn't easy: but consider this:

We all must be held accountable for our actions: no matter what: even if the other person was also to blame, see?
When I apologize: I do it because I know I messed up, not because "well, if I apologize first, then she will also feel sorry too" <----------This doesn't work.

However consider this: Ego, pride and expectations are the root cause of arguments, yelling, bickering and fighting...
A simple disagreement should not lead to a road of "taboo" like religion or even politics -but it always seems to with emotionally irrational people.

It's perfectly fine to have emotions and to "feel" but it's not cool at all to allow them to control your reason to the point where they manifest and create destruction.

Lying sucks, and I can't stand it when people choose to lie. It's possible to be a good person who has lied, but soon think about it:
A good person who continues to lie: is a liar, not a good person who lies...feel me? This means that while they may even "think" about their guilt for doing so...
Their actions: to lie, to deceive supersede their thoughts! Thoughts (alone) are the moral equivalent of bullshit to me.

Consider one final thought on this one: If a person has never experienced, much less applied the knowledge gained through these experiences then how
can they be held accountable for something they never knew? It is a pickle, no doubt but once they've learned: it should never again be an issue. People deserve
to correct their mistakes; but not at the expense of your sanity-ever.

The whole point of absolution or forgiveness: is to intend or to see to it that you never do it again! Does this happen? Usually not. Why not? Zero self realization of their actions...

In the end: the person who is better off: is the one with the good heart, the level headed conscience that says:
"I do my best in all I do, I tried my absolute best to be happy with this person, and to make them be happy with me...and it wasn't enough" <--------------At this moment...
You have just stated you have exhausted all of your resources and it STILL wasn't good enough for this person to SEE your efforts, your feelings and your thoughts/actions enough to validate them, to address them and to resolve them: for OUR relationship...Once you establish these facts:

Closure begins as a natural process because you finally
(self) realize the truth:

They didn't truly love you, they didn't respect you, they didn't want you in their lives enough to the point where their convenient excuses, choices and actions were unequivocally
more important than YOURS.

[xxazurexx]

I've been dumped and at the time probably thought I'd got the 'shit end of the stick' and felt like shit.

But if I'd never been dumped, I probably wouldn't be as strong nor as wise as I am now.

Sooo, thankyou dumpers for dumping me

[smackie9]

I'm a dumper, it's better than being dumped. Depending on the circumstances, there's no guilt, just relief.

[Take2]

I thiink it is in everyone's best interest to refuse to see this as a contest. There is no "better off" or "worse off" between two people who have no relationship with one another.

But as far as determining which party will be happier, it's more individual than that. A person who thrives on being a victim will likely tend to be a victim as the dumper or dumpee. A person who tends to be optimistic and make his/her own opportunities and sees life as an adventure will likely overcome the pain and thrive as the dumper or the dumpee. My ex dumped me back in May, and as far as I can tell we are both pretty darned happy with our lives right now. I don't need him to have "lost" in order for me to have won in this.

Now, one thing I have noticed as the dumpee, certainly I got the better deal with social response. I know a woman who left her husband because he was a horrid cheating scumbag, but still she was judged harshly for it. My ex has certainly had to face a lot of people thinking less of him for leaving. But those same people see me as a hapless victim in the situation. They are warm and caring and want to help and reach out to me. So that part is easier for the dumpee, for sure. I don't think either party should really be guilt-free, every broken re;ationship has the fingerprints of both parties on the corpse.

[Olenjka10]

Hate being dumped.. But it really depends...It's a lose-lose situation. Both parties will suffer, the dumped one probably more than the other but i kinda learned to look at it like at an operation - it will hurt at first, but you will be cured in the long run.

[Boisdevie]

I was with my former partner for 8 years. I ended the relationship. It was awful for her. It was awful for me. Perhaps it was easier for me because I moved on faster than she did. She has been single for a year. I have a new lovely GF

[xxazurexx]

^Well I wouldn't read into the fact that because she's been single for a year, that she hasn't moved on from you.
Some of us don't need to have a partner to be happy.

[twinrexes]

"Plus, they didn't really learn a lesson or have to deal with the hurtful pain of a breakup, so they can't really go through a change."

I don't think this is always the case. Even if it's the dumper's idea to leave, that doesn't mean it's painless and there's no lesson learned. I've played both roles, and even though there's less feelings of rejection when you're the dumper that doesn't mean there aren't other aspects that hurt. And even then, the dumper might have felt rejection and left because of it. What about the person on this forum who left her ex because he refused to have sex with her and looked at porn instead? She's feeling like crap because he rejected her sexually. Or an old ex of mine. When someone asked why I ended it, I replied "he figured if he ignored his problems long enough, they'd go away. And I did". I was feeling like crap before I left, and learned to treat myself better by leaving him. You get my drift.

[ammi00]

Both, in the long run.

[xxazurexx]

I've been a dumper in an instance where he got chance after chance to change and he didn't change. I ended it and it hurt to end it. I was probably hurting way more than he was, even though he was the dumped. It depends on circumstances and why/what led to the dumping.

[Heartache]

It really depend on the individual... If the one who get dumped and blame the others even if he/she is the one who commit in the relationship and start to do all the silly things, then I guess he/she will be worse off. As for the person who dumped the other party, it will depend on the reasons on why he/she want the break up.

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[SealedWithAKISS]

I've been a dumper in an instance where he got chance after chance to change and he didn't change. I ended it and it hurt to end it. I was probably hurting way more than he was, even though he was the dumped. It depends on circumstances and why/what led to the dumping.

I've been there.

For me, the level of hurt is not contigent on who did the 'dumping' but on the character, self-esteem and emotional character of the individual. Some have a 'bleeding heart' while others move on quickly not matter if they are dumped or do the dumping.

[coolvaibh2010]

I am a guy who has been dumped for no reason (or just a silly one). And i have the view that if a person is dumped by someone whom he loved truly and deeply then there is no option left for them other than ending their life. I am also dumped by my GF and living with with a dead heart!!!!!!!

[SelflessnHumble]

I am a guy who has been dumped for no reason (or just a silly one). And i have the view that if a person is dumped by someone whom he loved truly and deeply then there is no option left for them other than ending their life. I am also dumped by my GF and living with with a dead heart!!!!!!!

THAT is an unfortunate disposition to be in.
What you must learn to understand is that SHE is her own person and she is going to make decisions based on: what *she* wants, not what you "need."

If you truly loved her (and respected her) as you claim you do: you'd let her go and to enjoy life and all of the new experiences she wants to have.
^^^This is true love: putting her needs above your own selfish wants.