Second Chances

[shopgirl]

I know it's different for every case whether to give someone a second chance or not, but I could really use some advice. So here's the situation...

Me and "Greg" started talking in the summer of 2010, probably in August. Ever since we've met we've talked every single day.

We first hung out at the end of September before he was leaving for the Army. It was me, my friend, him and his friend. We went to a movie and it was fine, not too exciting but ok. Then he was off to the Army and he sweetly asked if I would write him while he was there because there would be no phones or internet obviously. So we wrote each other for the next two months and he got back home in December, but only for 2 weeks. He had to go to one of the Carolina's to visit family for Christmas so by the time he got back we only had the chance to hang out once. We went to another movie just the two of us and then I only gave him a hug. I would have liked to kiss him I was just too nervous. New Years is next. He told me he was going to his friend's apartment for a party. I was totally cool with that because I wanted to stay in with my older sister who was also leaving in a couple days. Then a couple days later he left, only this time for 6 months. It a real struggle with him being away all the time so that in itself is hard.

From there we continue to talk, obviously we're pretty much together but without the label. He tells me he got me a Christmas present/Valentines day present. I finally get it about January 19th. It was a necklace from Kay Jewelers, beautiful! I loved it, and he sent a card with it asking if I would be his. I said yes and we made it official Friday the 21st. The next night I received an email through Facebook that he had also been talking to another girl. I asked him about it and he denied if for hours that night. The next morning the girl emails again telling me they had sex at the New Years party and that she had texts from him proving it. So I asked if we could meet so I could see for myself.

After receiving that email I immediately text him and asked him about it. Denied it again. Then I said she had the texts and she was willing to meet and show them to me. I then asked him if he had anything to say before that happened and that's when he admitted it to me. It broke my heart.

Now I don't know if I should give him a second chance or not because technically we weren't dating when it happened but I pretty much thought we were together. When he admitted it I put my status as back to single and he was very upset about it. He is also heartbroken at the thought of losing me and is willing to do anything not to let that happen. I really like him and want to try to make it work, but I think about him and her all the time and I'm sad all the time. What should I do?

shopgirl

[MerryH]

Was it just a one-night thing with that girl, or is it possible he's still seeing her?

If it was just a one-time thing, then the only thing he did wrong was lying to you about it. Are you ever going to be able to trust him again? If the answer to that is "no", you should definitely break it off for good.

[lovenInsp]

Hello shopgirl,

This is an interesting situation. For one, it looks like he didn't think you guys were together at the time and you guys did officially get together on the 21st. Did you let him know that you thought you guys were together? I would let him know just to see how he reacts and to get a feel of what he thought at the time as well.

In the end its up to you if you want to give him a 2nd chance. Only you know how much you care for him and how the dynamics were leading up to officially being together on the 21st.

lovenInsp

[shopgirl]

It was for sure a one night thing. He stopped talking to her that Sunday before we were official. And yes I did tell him that although we weren't dating it didn't mean we were sleeping around either! He doesn't consider it cheating because we weren't "official" but was all that happened prior meaningless for him to do this?

[Aniphilia]

At the time he slept with her you hadnt even been able to kiss him as you were too nervous. It was really early in the steps you two were taking. Yeah it would be nice if he hadnt (your ego) but he chose you it seems anyway. So maybe make him chase you a little? Since hes overseas that would translate to not always being available or responding so quickly. Did he ask for forgiveness?

How old are you two? Does he have a history?

But bottom line is it was before you two were tight so if I were him I would like it to not be considered a cheat. AFterall the heart falls when it falls for another. I had a similar situation happen with the man I love. 6 years ago we started as friends and I had a few things I did that were something I would never do once I fell for him but he was still hurt and it took some time but all was forgiven.

[shopgirl]

He has said sorry countless times, but then he'll turn around and say it's my fault he slept with her because I gave him the cold shoulder on our date! He's trying to turn it around like it's my fault he did it. We're in our 20's and I believe this was only the second time he's had sex...so it was kind of surprising for this to happen because the first time was with his ex-girlfriend and this time a totally random girl. And he's at a training camp in Texas, not overseas. Just clearing that up, guess I didn't say that earlier.

[Yet another guy]

You weren't in a relationship. You don't need to know whom he has been with before you were and have no right snooping around. And he didn't have to tell you which is why he denied it. Some People meet other potential partners until they catch someone. It sucks but that's the way they are. It's possible that he was insecure and didn't think he had chances with you back then.

It was very nasty of her to send those emails and it makes me question her motives.

It would be unfair to leave him over this but if you can't trust him, you don't have other choice.

[MerryH]

he'll turn around and say it's my fault he slept with her because I gave him the cold shoulder on our date! He's trying to turn it around like it's my fault he did it.

Okay, that's a huge problem. What a jerk. Don't get back with him. Sucks, but you'll be better off.

[twinrexes]

Or, he could be trying to say it's your fault because saying sorry doesn't seem to be working. You say he's said it "countless times". So maybe turning it around is just his lame attempt at trying a different tactic.

I do agree with other posters that you two weren't a couple yet. And I would consider it a one nighter that didn't mean much to him. Guys are really good at separating sex from feelings. You're the one who got the necklace from Kay's and the "be mine", not her.

I'd give him another chance.

[eonbar]

what gave you the idea that you were "obviously pretty much together" ??? you hadn;t kissed him, youd only met up a couple of times and been to the movies? he slept with someone when you wern't together? second chance? he hasn't even had a first chance yet.... it may suck that he slept with someone when you fancied him, but hey ho .... deal with it?

[xxazurexx]

Even though you were not 'official', IMO there was still an 'involvement' between you and him and an ongoing one where there was no break. You met, dated a couple of times, you wrote to each other for 2 months and while he was away and you both probably expected to spend time with each other when he came back. He went to a party and slept with another female....while knowingly still involved with you.

If none of this was your business and because you weren't exclusive, then why didn't he come clean himself and tell you about this other girl? The answer is, he's been afraid to ruin what he has with you. So if he's afraid to lose you, which he obviously is....then why even take the risk of sleeping with someone else??



I think this other female has been a one night stand and something he regrets. He likely hasn't bothered with the girl he slept with anymore and because it is YOU he is more interested in. This is why this girl has come forward and told you he slept with her...'hell hath no fury, than a woman scorned'.....
You received a card asking you to be his, gifts, etc and that all tells me that he's pretty serious about you.

All down to you though hon. It's a situation I can't advise on and because I honestly don't know what I'd do.