So... what the hell do I do?

[DonkeyHueco]

I'm in a relationship with a beautiful girl I've known for a long time. We broke up once after a year long relationship because we no longer trusted each other. Years later, we're back together and we're not trusting each other. I have cheated in the past. It was something I regretted and I am determined not to do it again, how can I convince her of that? How can we grow closer when we argue often about trust issues, when she doesn't feel comfortable around me sometimes and often small things are taken way out of perspective. Earlier tonight, we were dining out with one of her friends I'd not met before. At some point during the dinner, I was trying to catch a goofy and candid picture of her friend so I could joke with and cheer up my girlfriend because she has a lot of things going on. After dinner, she told me that she believes I was planning on trying to sleep with her friend in the future because I took a picture. I deleted all but one and I honestly intended to delete them all. I tried explaining this, but her only conclusion is that I wanted to sleep with her friend and was already planning on trying to make it happen. Am I wrong? Or is it that we simply have too many trust issues to work out?

[sweetkissesforu]

way to many trust issues wow gf to insecure its a picture

[AllenGlines]

Once trust is gone, it's gone forever. You can earn trust. You can lose trust. You can never rebuild trust.

[MerryH]

She blew things out of proportion with that dumb photo thing, but she has a right not to trust you. You cheated on her, you're clearly not to be trusted. I don't know what you two are doing together, it's pretty ridiculous to be with someone you won't trust.

Couples counseling, I guess. But that would just be like trying to polish a turd, no?

[lovenInsp]

I would like to think, if you can try hard enough you can earn her trust again. But since you've cheated in the past, you're going to have to go above and beyond... not once, not twice, but do it consistently. That's what relationships are about, are you willing to work hard enough depending on your personal situation? We all end up being with someone as messed up as we are.

[xxazurexx]

You will NEVER earn her trust again.

Lost cause I'm afraid.

[MynameisJesus]

I agree with all of you. You'll never get her trust back. And quite frankly, you do not deserve it

I do not buy your BS about staying faithful either. That is just something you say to yourself and others, hoping to restore the image that you have built by cheating.
You regret your actions because of their consequence, which is that people do not trust you and you can not have a succesful relationship anymore. You don't regret the cheating on itself.

Cheating is a way of looking at things, it describes your personality and it is not just a mistake you can make up for

[DonkeyHueco]

I cheated on her three years ago. I've been through a lot since then and I am faithful. I'm not trying to garner support for my side. I cheated, I know I'm the one who has some redeeming to do. We're together because, quite frankly, we did have a great relationship outside of that one mistake. It was a big mistake, and I have wished a million times I could undo it. Since I can't, I want to figure out how to fix it.

[MynameisJesus]

I cheated on her three years ago. I've been through a lot since then and I am faithful. I'm not trying to garner support for my side. I cheated, I know I'm the one who has some redeeming to do. We're together because, quite frankly, we did have a great relationship outside of that one mistake. It was a big mistake, and I have wished a million times I could undo it. Since I can't, I want to figure out how to fix it.

There are 2 types of cheating. 1 of them is accepted by most people (including myself) and the other one isn't.

1) You were totally drunk, went out clubbing and had a one night stand with an other drunk girl. Not on multiple occasions, just once
Alcohol and vulnerability can do a lot, especially to women. If my partner ever did this and admitted it to me, I'd consider forgiveness exactly one time

2) You were not drunk and cheated on your wife with someone who is/was more appealing to you at that point. You didn't feel the need to tell your wife about it in all honesty, but tried to hide it and she found out via somebody else.
It wasn't a one time occasion, you have done it multiple times.

So which one is it, 1 or 2 ?

[girl68]

I disagree trust cannot be earned back. However it does not seem you gf wants to let you earn trust back. This is mostly likely because if she doesn't she always always has a 1 up on you. In order to get past cheating the other party has to be willing to move forward and learn to trust again and to commit to this. Your gf here isn't committed to doing that, in fact quite the opposite. I don't think you should have ever got back with her as she will never let go of your past cheating episode.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I agree with girl68. She doesn't want to trust you, she wants to control you.

You should break up with her and tell her that you can't be in a relationship where she doesn't trust you. You know you messed up and you want to work to show her what she means to you, but it won't work unless she forgives and forgets, and since she can't you two need to break up. This way, it puts the ball in her court to move on from this or let it break you up.

[xxazurexx]

She doesn't want to trust you, she wants to control you....

Yiup, control him so she feels she can trust him.

Usually the way it becomes and when one partner has been cheated on.

[HeartIsAching]

Trust can be earned back, but it's very difficult. I'm going to suggest that if she's that important to you, you try to get her to go to couple's counseling. There are exercises and behaviors that they can suggest in order to rebuild trust.

I'm going to give you one very small example that I learned myself in counseling. It's called a time-out. It sounds simple and silly, but when you're angry and feeling yourself getting close to losing control, you take a time out. During that time out there are specific things you can and cannot do, and I won't get into them... the point is (for this post) that one way you use the time out to build trust is that you left before you exploded. Do this consistently. Second way is, the time-out is exactly one hour long, no more, no less. This means that if you say "I'm taking a time out" and go out the door, then one hour later, you open the door and come back in. This reinforces that you mean what you say, and say what you mean.

You DO have to explain the time-out to her ahead of time - before any angst, so that when the time comes, she knows what you mean, and knows what's coming.

[MynameisJesus]

I disagree trust cannot be earned back. However it does not seem you gf wants to let you earn trust back. This is mostly likely because if she doesn't she always always has a 1 up on you. In order to get past cheating the other party has to be willing to move forward and learn to trust again and to commit to this. Your gf here isn't committed to doing that, in fact quite the opposite. I don't think you should have ever got back with her as she will never let go of your past cheating episode.

I can only speak for myself. But whether I'd want to move on or not totally depends of what is behind the cheating. Was it a moment of vulnerability or was it consistent lieing. All consistent cheaters I know lie about almost anything else too

@ BackuporgetStng: I'm not sure why you conclude that she wants to control him. It could be true though.
I find her reaction about the picture very strange as a reason to break up and I get the feeling that something else is going on.
If she decided to get back together and then blows up about a picture, I think she has very serious issues as well and I wonder what it is that got them back together

[Emerald_Dreams]

she believes I was planning on trying to sleep with her friend in the future because I took a picture.

Psychobitch. Run, run away and never look back.