Two professionals, same salary - can't agree on splitting expenses

[KingZ]

You know this site is full of 50-50 stories. Like who folded the most laundry that week. Bickering like unhappily married couples. Yes your gf probably is a little self adsorbed. But I still say you are nickle and diming your relationship. So let me explain it this way.

Suppose you break up with her and you go out looking for another prospect. You meet this nice hot waitress and you ask her out. She is a college student, and most likely living paycheck to paycheck. Are you going to expect her to pay 50-50?

If the above girl is worth you picking up her tab, then why isn't your current gf? I bet at one time you paid for her - at the beginning of the relationship. So why are you griping now? Is it because you don't love her as much? Or perhaps you feel that you already got her, so she isn't worth the effort any longer?

You are lucky right now that you have your financial equal and she pays some. Because I can guarantee you that your next girlfriend will expect you to pay up 100%. Sure these girls on this site say they go 50-50. Bet they have never dated someone making several times more than they do. Even a dumb girl will eventually figure out the math, that because you make so much more than her, you spending a dollar is equal to her spending $5. And that fancy restaurant meal she just paid for, was money she should have spent on her utility bill.

So the cold truth is your career and fortune came with a price tag, and that is women will now COST you. You will pay because three things - you are the guy, because you can afford it, and because women want to be able to boast about what their boyfriends did for them. Just because a woman decided on a successful career does not mean that she agreed to give up these three basic things from a man. Note – your gf is only asking for you to pay for a portion of the fun things/gifts, she isn't asking you to pay for her basic humdrum living expenses. She is looking for the boasting factor so her friends don't think she is a fool stuck with a cheap jerk who doesn't give a rip about her.

I think you're misunderstanding the emotion behind his point of view.

He isn't bothered by the idea of paying for even 100%. What bothers him is the fact that she's completely capable of paying for her share, but she's refusing to. She's the one making a big deal about it.

[edit] The longer I think about this, the more I agree with his point of view. This is feminist bullshit; she's wanting the best of both worlds (making a lot of money and being paid for). Why should he be the one to pay? Why not her? It makes perfect sense for him to feel undervalued and resentful.

[reeba]

Oh I read it. Yes she is capable of paying her share. But he is also totally capable of paying for her.

Just because a woman makes money does not mean she has to give up being spoiled a little by her man. Or is there some unwritten rule other there stating that a successful woman have educated herself out of a nice
date?

If it wasn't a big deal to him that he has to cough up some cash to go out on a date, then why are they fighting about it (if it was no big deal he would pay and thus no more fights), and why is he posting here?

By the way when I go 50-50 I do it for several reasons. 1. because I want to feel zero obligation (chances are if I'm throwing money down on the table, the clothes are probably staying on) 2. becasue I don't want to be a financial burden (that is reserved for someone who can't afford it, not some guy who is boasting about making $300,000 a year).

[Take2]

OP, here is the problem. You are arguing with your gf about expectations. You expect equal sharing of the date expenses and she expects you to take the lion's share if not all of those expenses. No amount of going round and round is going to work here because one of you will feel bad with either solution.

Furthermore, logic won't work here because both of you come to your preference in this matter based on emotion that grows out of something deeper than the details you are arguing. To both of you, the payment solution you prefer REPRESENTS something far more meaningful, and that is why it is non-negotiable.

There ia good news! You don't have to argue expectations. Instead, look at the need that would be met if she did as you want. Get her to look at the need that would be met if you did as she wants. Then discuss those needs, and branch out from the narrow field of date finances. What can you do to help her feel cared for unrelated to date expenses? What can she do to make you feel appreciated and respected as an equal unrelated to dating expenses? If you figure out the real answers to what the needs are and find real alternatives to meeting them, the dating finance issue will probably become irrelevant because it won't matter so much to both of you.

[HeartIsAching]

I don't believe in the 50-50 rule. I once had a boyfriend who went as far as keeping a ledger of expenses during vacatations, where he went as far as writing down stamps and newspapers. What was going to be next on the 50-50 ledger? Making sure we spent equal minutes giving oral sex?

So it's your contention that women are prostitutes? Trading sex for money?

[KingZ]

Just because a woman makes money does not mean she has to give up being spoiled a little by her man.

There's a clear difference between being spoiled a little and being paid for. How are you unable to see the difference?

If it wasn't a big deal to him that he has to cough up some cash to go out on a date, then why are they fighting about it (if it was no big deal he would pay and thus no more fights), and why is he posting here?

The big deal isn't paying for her. The big deal for him is that she's making it a big deal.

[red_sparrow]

wow

this girl doesn't seem educated at all...

[red_sparrow]

haha my BF doesn't really pay for everything; we usually split it. It would be nice to be a little spoiled sometimes, though! but it's true.. money does not necessarily equal spoiled. he could do other things too, like cook for you or give you a great shag. I know nothing says love like multiple orgasms.

[OkieDokie]

What is going to happen if your relationship goes way long term and you get married? Has that been discussed? Will this fight go on forever or are you going to put both of your salaries in one account? That seems like the only way to resolve it, is if your money is together.

When my wife and I first dated I paid more often than she did, probably all of the time actually but she started paying sometimes when it got serious. When we lived together she paid more often for recreational things since I paid the mortgage , while she paid all other house related expenses and when we got married it wasn't an issue since we just combined our checking accounts.

[greg2345]

There ia good news! You don't have to argue expectations. Instead, look at the need that would be met if she did as you want. Get her to look at the need that would be met if you did as she wants. Then discuss those needs, and branch out from the narrow field of date finances. What can you do to help her feel cared for unrelated to date expenses? What can she do to make you feel appreciated and respected as an equal unrelated to dating expenses? If you figure out the real answers to what the needs are and find real alternatives to meeting them, the dating finance issue will probably become irrelevant because it won't matter so much to both of you.

I really like your post, Take2. Possibly something constructive we could try to prevent these money issues from ruining our relationship.

[greg2345]

He isn't bothered by the idea of paying for even 100%. What bothers him is the fact that she's completely capable of paying for her share, but she's refusing to.

The "hot waitress" example reeba uses makes a lot of assumptions about how I would act and what I want in a relationship, also. I would probably not seriously commit to a relationship with someone who wasn't similarly accomplished as me and career-oriented. I was attracted to my girlfriend for many reasons, physical attraction being one of them, but also more importantly because she was not only my colleague and peer (went through the same training and now we work side by side in different specialties as M.D.'s) but one of the most intelligent and accomplished women I met.

I thought this would fit well with my ideal relationship that is about equality. For me, money would be spent generously on each other and used by both people to live a great life together. For the first few months when we were together, and she lived with me, I continued to spend generously like I was used to under the assumption that she would eventually naturally reciprocate, especially as the relationship became more serious and long-term.

However, I was disappointed as time went on, and my monthly expenses nearly doubled, and I paid for dinners, outings, etc., that her natural tendency was to very infrequently help contribute. Back then I paid for groceries too. In addition, I was doing most of the cleaning, taking care of the home, and having her live at my place which was far nicer than her place. I was also readily doing things like fetching things for her and delivering them to her workplace if I was off, and nearly always doing what she wanted to do.

Obviously I burned out after several months and started to have financial problems due to the massive spending. Keep in mind, we are still a couple years from the end of our training, and right now we make the same amount, but neither of us make enough money to afford a lot of luxuries. For example, simple things like fixing my car door and buying a smart phone for myself are put on hold indefinitely because there's not a whole lot of extra money.

So I protested about the money and things evened out-- or more accurately, we just stopped doing very much at all and I probably have continued throughout our relationship to unevenly pay for things on average when we do (less frequently) go recreate.

Still, she not too infrequently suggests that we do stuff that costs money (mostly eat out) but then is very reluctant to go if there's any question that I'm not going to pay for both of us. If she does pay in an alternating fashion, it is not seen as fairly alternating payment, but some what of an imposition that she is doing me a favor because as a woman she shouldn't be paying at all ever.

But to be honest, again, it's so much more about the feeling I have associated with being "required" to pay for her more often than not, rather than the actual hardships associated with making and spending the money. Sometimes we're talking about just a 20 dollar bill at a restaurant. Still, she sees this as something she should not have to do, and any contribution on her part is being more than generous.

It's easy to get resentful when I'm called cheap if I'm reluctant to pay unfairly but she has never been particularly generous with her spending, aside from birthdays or special occasions. Meanwhile, again, she's contributing far more than me to her personal retirement savings.

[Mongoose]

If she's so into such gender stereotyping, why doesn't she just quit her job, stay at home, and do all of the washing, cooking, shopping, and cleaning. THEN you would understand her wanting to be treated all the time, but everything you have described so far suggests a degree of selfishness and a lack of appreciation for what you do. If anything, she should be taking YOU out to dinner! Relationships are all about balance and equality. She clearly has no concept of this whatsoever. Does she do anything nice for you at all?

I was bored and irritated so I drew you a picture:

[URL=http://img710.imageshack.us/i/seesaww.jpg/][/URL]

[vashti]

I don't understand why you aren't allowing her the opportunity to feel like someone's beloved girlfriend. Is she an ungenerous woman? Perhaps without your being so unwilling to act in the traditionally male role, she would like the opportunity to spoil YOU a little, too. This isn't a financial issue for you, so I don't understand why you don't take some degree of pleasure in being generous. It's weird.

[Mongoose]

But it IS a financial issue. If I was a woman and my boyfriend couldn't fix his car door because he was spending the money on me, I certainly wouldn't be demanding him to spend more, especially if we earned the same amount and I was largely hoarding my own earnings [that's how it looks from what has been described]. Do women not appreciate men driving them around, cleaning their house for them, washing dishes, helping with the cooking, and making a reasonable/fair financial contribution as well? How can she expect him to fulfil every aspect of the traditional male role as well as a substantial amount of the female one too? How many people are able to take pleasure from being generous in a continuous one-way street? This woman isn't staying at home looking after children and doing housework all day, she's out earning the same amount as OP, yet expects him to pay for everything, and completely fails to take into account all of the highly significant little things that he does for her on a day-to-day basis! That's just plain wrong! How can anyone stand up for such behaviour?

Edit: By financial issue I don't mean that you have a problem with paying for things, but rather that, from a financial perspective, you aren't being treated fairly, either through reciprocation in kind or simply appreciation and thanks.

[vashti]

But it IS a financial issue. If I was a woman and my boyfriend couldn't fix his car door because he was spending the money on me, I certainly wouldn't be demanding him to spend more,

He said this isn't a financial issue, and I would only appreciate all those (seemingly) nice things he does if he did them with a generous heart. Also, she's not asking him to pay for everything. She's asking him to pay for their dates, and unless she is demanding 5 star restaurants, I don't think this is such a big deal. Lots of nice things can be done with little to no money, and a little imagination.

[Mongoose]

Well from the sound of things it is indeed out of generosity and care. She doesn't like cleaning so he does most of it [I presume that's at her house]. That sounds pretty nice to me.

I agree with what you're saying there, but why should everything be about the woman, and making her feel special? Isn't it equally important to do this for the guy in a relationship? Why should the man put in all the effort when he doesn't appear to receive it back? Also, if I've read it correctly, it's not just about dates, but shared expenses as a whole.